For those of you who don’t follow the intrigues of hunky newsboys as much as I do (i.e., all of you), let me introduce you to hot stuff Chris Wragge. I mused on the blond beauty back in his ill-fated year on the national stage as an anchor in the reboot of The Early Show on CBS. It took just a year for Wragge’s reboot to get the boot, sending the tall, tanned stud back to the minor leagues (albeit, the much coveted NYC market). Although he’s not been nearly so prominent on the national news scene since, Chris has remained in my Twitterfeed. And based on the increasing frequency of beefcake shots and extensive gym workout coverage in skin-tight leotards showing off his gargantuan, thick thighs and gasp-worthy ass), I’m thinking Wragge still has his eyes on the fad (I like to think of it as an enduring fashion) in national news outlets to feature Hollywood leading men-looking hunks with hot bodies. Not to be upstaged by Chris Cuomo’s videoed workouts for Men’s Fitness or Gio Benitez popping the seems of his suit coats with his gargantuan biceps, Chris is keeping his hot bod toned and ready for the next call up. Staying entirely competitive in that race for a spot back in the major leagues, Chris is pounding out his sweet, juicy muscles with an impressive focus and steady stream of teases online. He’s not as lean as Chris Cuomo. He’s not as stacked as Gio Benitez. He’s not anything like the hot, hairy, smolderingly sexy Matt Gutman. But he’s sporting entirely clawable pecs. I’m still not sure that the nation is ready to trust a tanned, bleached-teeth muscle boy who is (and this is the key question) blond. We seem to like our news chicks blond, but our lustworthy newsboys? He’s either just out of synch or avant grade. I think a snap suplex on muscleboy extraordinaire Gio Benitez could convince me he’s got what it takes, though. What do you think?
|Chris Wragge on his way out at The Early Show|
|Carter Evans – the most recent evidence that news producers hate me.|
And now I’ve learned that Carter Evans, the real anchor of my hunk lust morning routine, is leaving his morning market report to follow his prego wife who’s just got a new job in L.A. I don’t know what Carter’s plans are, but apparently they don’t involve appearing on my television screen every morning.
|Matt Gutman – my last, best hope|
The slim bright spot and ray of hope is that Good Morning America is tapping hairy chested hunk Matt Gutman with increasing frequency as a correspondent. Matt is ripe for the picking, as far as I’m concerned. I think I’m due for a little good news from the traitorous bastards at ABC News who sent Chris Cuomo to Siberia (aka, 20/20). Matt Gutman needs to be tapped for an on-air desk job on GMA.
|The Gutman – ready to get the call to the Big Show|
Please, picture The Gutman with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his hot, hairy chest, which is his standard operating procedure as a correspondent. Those dimples, the strong arms, and that aforementioned hairy chest as regular news reader on GMA would be golden, I tell you. Who wouldn’t want to tune in to see this man flashing that sexy smile on a regular basis? WHO?!
|Matt Gutman is fully committed to delivering the news.|
|I have no idea if this is actually The Gutman, but this provocative shot
is out there and attributed to him… and it works for me.
What the fuck? Sorry about my crass language, but again: what the fuck? Less than a year after the morning “news” landscape brightened considerably with the installment of a blond and blue eyed, 6’3″ hunk with powerful arms and big, beautiful pecs behind the anchor desk of The Early Show, latest scoop is that Chris Wragge is out.
|Despite his shirtless appearance training for the triathalon, Wragge gets dunked.|
This isn’t sending me into the spiral of despair and existential angst that Good Morning, America’s decision to turn their backs on Chris Cuomo did. There’s a definite hierarchy in my lustful fanaticism for my morning cup of Chris, and Wragge comes in second place behind a certain curly headed Italian with a fondness for fishing shirtless.
|Chris Cuomo illustrates while he’s still the hottest newsman getting no respect.|
However, the rumor is that CBS has decided to replace Wragge with Charlie Rose and Gayle King.
|What. The. Fuck?|
And now I return to my primary question of the day: what the fuck!? Now, some toothy, nerdy hunkiness from adorable lisper Jeff Glor, and the sincerity of even nerdier West Coast blond pretty boy correspondent Ben Tracey are legitimately entertaining side shows. But replace the sheer hunky sexual magnetism of Chris Wragge with either Charlie Rose or Gayle King and the message couldn’t be clearer.
|Totally hot back-up singer, but I don’t think Jeff Glor can be the headline attraction for this audience of one.|
I am NOT the demographic that CBS is aiming for. I suppose it’s back to Good Morning, America to relive 18 year old fantasies of meeting George Stephanopoulos in a wrestling ring. Then again, there are rumors that the gorgeous diminutive Greek may be on the way out as well! But of course there’s the tragically rare treat of seeing Chris Cuomo doing a guest bit as “legal analyst”on GMA, though it seems like he and Dan Abrams are due for a no-holds-barred loser-leaves-town beat down to once and for all settle whose legal briefs are on top at ABC.
|Dan Abrams has both attracted and repelled me ever since O.J. introduced him to the world.|
There is clearly no shortage of hunky newsmen who could give drowsy heads a welcome dose of adrenaline in the mornings. The obstinate refusal of the news outlets to dangle some tasty meat to get our hearts pumping is making me contemplate switching to HGTV for my morning devotions. Sure, maybe I won’t be as well informed about world events (though let’s not overestimate the morning news programs for their capacity to accomplish that), but at least I’ll be happy and eager to wake up again.
|Chris Wragge – Buttoned Down, Rouged, and Turning on the Charm|
|Chris Wragge bobbing and bouncing as he jogs in Central Park|
Just to prove the point, he’s posted this impressive shot showing off his grease painted race number down his rippling arm (yeah, sure… it’s the number he’s showing off).
For the past two weeks, it’s been Chris Wragge who is typically the shiny, bright face smiling back at me first that makes my heart beat a little faster amid the morning doldrums. In my intimate morning ritual with Chris, I’ve learned a few things. He has an infectious smile. He has really big hands. He possesses a handsomeness that’s not entirely “pretty,” which surprises and intrigues me. He has a temperament perfectly tuned to the frequency of morning national “news,” which means that he can pull off a little gravitas, but he’s really there for the sexy charm, self-deprecating folksy humor, and a willingness to sell whatever “entertainment” crap that they insist on populating those shows with.
Okay, so let me be blunt in answering my own question. In my two, intimate weeks of getting to know him in the morning, it’s not all been dimples and winks. I’ve also noticed that he gets unattractively pursed lips when he’s thinking too hard (there’s an easy solution to that problem, prettyboy). I’m not sure if the Early Show make-up people have a grudge against him, but they consistently apply the bronzer inconsistently, leaving him with a Bozo the Clown air about him (olive-skinned Cuomo just doesn’t face this problem ever, I’d wager!). And while his cocky, sexy charm makes me think naughty thoughts, he also borders on perhaps loving himself just a little too much. I really don’t know his story (despite the gratuitous “get-to-know-us” testimonials the new Early Show team presented the first week), but he has the swagger of a big, sexy white boy who’s accustomed to having the world handed to him the moment he flashes his superwhite teeth and unbuttons his shirts down to his sternum.
Back to my naughty thoughts, though, I’m as predictable as a rainy day in Seattle when I report that everything about Chris screams out for a starring role in a fictional wrestling match in my imagination. The boys of ABC have been sole proprietors of the spotlight for too long, and I’m picturing Chris leading the CBS charge to smack down some opponents and slap down their dicks in laying claim to be the new big boys in the News Division in my homoerotic wrestling universe. With Mr. Blue Steel, Jeff Glor on his right, and aforementioned nerd-‘olicious Ben Tracey on his left, I think all the studs who’ve been driving the drama in the News Division had better watch their backs. There’s a new Chris in town, and he’s ready to flex those pecs with the best.
If you were tracking my musings this time last year, you may remember that I did my own “best of 2009″ countdown. I’m reprising the tradition as I reflect back on another year of finding a ridiculous quantity of things to say about beautiful men, wrestling, and especially beautiful men wrestling.