“Holy shit, look at the size of this guy!” Jonny Firestorm appears genuinely impressed, when he and his long-time BFF Brad Rochelle stride into the ring room to find Monstah Mike flexing. “That’s a lot of man,” Brad agrees, equally as awed as Jonny is by what they see at the start of Three-Way Thrash 6: Bodybuilder Beatdown. What they see is awesome by any measure. Mike is a fucking specimen! The official numbers put him at 5’10 and 230 pounds, but the numbers can’t capture the pull of gravity this sculpted bodybuilder possesses. He’s come on like a house on fire since setting foot at BG East just last year and immediately winning Best Butt of 2023. Dude is dripping with big boss attitude and more than enough gargantuan muscle to back it up. Last year I called him “fucking amazingly pretty,” and despite seeing him chew up and spit out opponents one after another ever since, I stick by it. Yeah, yeah, he’s a fucking muscle monster(ah). He’s got serial killer facial hair and dazzlingly dangerous power. I buy it, without a doubt. Mike’s a fucking force of nature, not to be fucked with lightly, if at all, and badass to the core. But what makes all of that even more astonishing, is that he’s fucking gorgeous.

So, it’s not like Jonny and Brad are overselling him in the least. And it’s a fun bit of physical drama when Jonny, having newly reclaimed his title as Top Heel this past year, literally bounces off the bodybuilder when he tries to blindside the enforcer with chops to those humongous pecs. Jonny’s flying drop kicks, showing the veteran heel can still soar, similarly don’t move Mike an inch. If anything, it looks like trying to drop kick a brick wall might have legitimately injured Jonny’s ankle. Again, it’s melodrama, but I don’t think it’s an oversell for a second when Mike catches Jonny’s swinging fists in midair, before turning it into a test of strength that lasts a split second before Jonny is on his knees and yelping in fear for having his hands snapped off at the wrists. “This is my ship, now,” Mike claims, and Jonny’s in no position to argue, considering he’s suspended way off his feet in Mike’s two handed straight-armed overhead choke. Top Heel title holder or not, Jonny was walking into a massacre from the start of this match!

Good thing for Jonny, he brought back up. Mike’s no dummy, either, giving Brad a cold once-over when Jonny’s classic babyface BFF takes a seat on the couch to watch, wearing wrestling boots, trunks, a black leather jacket, and sunglasses. “Him? Oh, he’s just the time keeper, the bell ringer,” Jonny assures. “He’s never done this before. don’t worry about him.” Monstah Mike does not look worried in the least, even though you and I know that Brad has most definitely done “this” (ALL of this) before. Brad provides a little light comic relief with his spontaneous commentary as he watches Jonny run headlong, again and again, into that gorgeous brick wall. “Oh, my goodness,” Brad mutters like somebody’s grandma when Mike whips Jonny from corner to corner and then spears the Top Heel in the gut and send Jonny through the ropes and bouncing off the ring apron.

There’s something a little Harold and Kumar about Jonny and Brad. Or maybe it’s Bill and Ted? Whatever it is, the BFF chemistry between them cracks me up and turns me on so… fucking… hard (yeah, for the record, I’d pay to watch Harold and Kumar tag team against Bill and Ted any day!). Again, it could easily be oversold, the one liners, the clever quips and the working for laughs. But the self-congratulatory wisecracks paired with the beautiful violence of their diabolical double-teaming is perfectly balanced, as far as I’m concerned.

Monstah Mike is nearly muscle beast enough to knock them both on their asses, and STILL I say his dominating power is not oversold. But it’s when Jonny and Brad really start hitting their stride and beating the living fuck out of the amazingly pretty bodybuilder that this compelling drama turns into my favorite type of porn. Just like they did when Brad made his huge (HUGE) comeback last November, double-teaming achingly pretty muscle twink Kal Connor in The Comeback 3, the BFFs synchronized offense is a thing of beauty. Their double-team corner work is one of the highlights for me, when Brad, on the apron, has Mike trapped in a chin lock and nipple clamp, while Jonny, inside the ring, is clawing the fuck out Mike’s balls and biting his other nipple. Honestly, I’d have my money on Mike if he was taking on almost any other pair of BG East wrestlers on the roster, but against these diabolical heel/babyface wonder twins, he’s just a high protein lunch special.

It’s the Brad and Jonny show (and I’ll buy front row tickets for that every fucking time), but credit where it’s due: Mike tells the story. Mike morphs from snarling narcissist badass muscle monster into a sniveling, screaming, weeping mass of humiliation in a sensationally paced descent into ego-shattering despair. I sampled Mike’s screams and pleas in the first episode of Sidelineland Sounds because his deep, meaty bass boss voice crumbling into panicked begging and agony is epic suffering. He’s still got the gravitational pull of a neutron star, as the wonder twins manhandle and pummel him, but it collapses into the mysterious magnificence of a black hole, as his lush and meaty muscles writhe and strain and twitch and quiver with four vicious claws ripping him apart. With range like this, I can totally believe that Monstah Mike is, indeed, capable of being the franchise player he brags that he’s ready to be.

I’m officially infatuated with Jonny and Brad’s partnership. The boys genuinely look like they’re having fun ripping apart their prey. Their mutual appreciation mixed with good-natured sibling teasing is such a delightful vibe paired with their deep arsenal of low down double-team torture. And Mike’s cocky boasting that he’s the new sheriff of BGE is making me a believer more and more. Hot drama that’s over the top in just the right proportions to make me swoon in a way that heel on heel (on heel) action doesn’t always get from me!