The bathroom door flies open. “Let’s get a look at this Daemon,” Kid Leopard smirks, strolling in without knocking, of course. There’s just a momentary twitch across the Boss’ face, and I’m convinced that he’s surprised and impressed with what he sees. Drake looks sensational, and the solid black square cut trunks he’s pulling on are sexy as fuck. “Well, you’d better wrestle better than you look,” Kid Leopard snarls with contempt. His lingering look at Drake’s ripped abs tell an entirely different story.
A few seconds later, Gabriel Ross walks through the door. Holy shit, this kid is insane to look at! He’s shorter than I am, which is saying something, but good fucking God! He’s huge! I mean, I’ve seen his massively muscled-up body on camera before, but honestly, he’s breathtaking. His massive pecs shake a little as a walks to the ring and steps up to the ring apron. As he climbs through the ropes, I stifle a gasp at the full-on view of his magnificently muscled ass straining the seams of his tantalizingly tight trunks. They’re the same yellow swim trunks he wore in his first match with Drake. His glorious glutes bulge out over the top of them as he slowly walks barefoot across the ring, stretching his arms behind his back, hopping on the balls of his feet, warming up all of that gorgeous muscle mass.
The awards show that turns my crank this season is of course, the announcement of the BG East Best of 2014 polls. Well, technically there is no “show,” although I think there should be. Hot contenders show up on the red carpet. Winners announced. Rip ‘n’ strip wrestling breaks out all over the place. Me, with a gallon of baby oil, standing nearby to keep things moving along nicely. Short of that, let’s take a look at the matches that rose to the top of the rankings of BG East fans and voters.
For sexiest match, voters swung toward X-Fights 38, with Drake Marcos and Lorenzo Lowe taking it all wonderfully too personally. I don’t have any problem at all with this victory, even though I finally decided it was Trey “Oscar” Dixon and Skrapper who demanded my vote. There’s a major bitter aftertaste to X-Fights 38, with Drake and LJL slapping down hard, angry resentment from start to finish, so voters seem to have a taste for the passionately punished grudge angle on for sexy this year. I totally get that.
Best Mat Battle was awarded to yet another LJL match, this one against Cameron Matthews in Submissions 9. I could see this coming from a mile way, even though my personal favorite was Drake and Mason’s brutal humiliation session in Passion & Punishment. Cam and LJL are first rate grapplers, stunning contortionist, and damn fine hunks that are a delight to watch, particularly with a liberal coat of sweat dripping off of them. A second Best Mat Battle honor in a row for Cameron, who took the title with Eli Black last year. Total winners.
Voters picked Demolition 17 for Best Ring Match, with Guido Genatto crushing delectable Jake Jenkins, this year’s (and last year’s, and the year before that) Best Babyface. I’m not surprised my pick, Tag Team Torture 17 didn’t take it, but I am surprised the crowd when this direction. Unlike the best mat battle winner, Demolition 17 was total one-way brutality, which I always assume won’t speak to a significant segment of the voters. I think Z-Man & Kip Sorell have got to be picking their jaws up off the ground to be runners up for this one.
On the other hand, Best Squash winners Jonny Firestorm and Nicholas Rush for their Demo 17 match should just prove never, ever bet against Jonny Firestorm (or his fans). I called Jonny & Nicholas total dark horse contenders in this field, and the majority propelled them to the top of the heap. This is a third Best Squash victory in a row for Jonny who seems to own this category as commandingly as he owns his babyface victims. Which again begs the question for me why, oh why, was he not in contention for Best Heel this year?! I also find all sorts of mixed signals about Demo 17’s Guido v JJ match winning for Best Ring and Best Submissions, but Demo 17’s Jonny v Nicholas pulling out Best Squash. Fascinating, perplexing, but again, I say, another reminder to NOT best against Jonny Firestorm.
As I just mentioned, Demo 17’s Guido v JJ again won in the Best Submissions category. As I’ve also mentioned, I’m not sure about exactly what this category is measuring, but I am surprised that this was the match that won. Guido’s match in Demo 18 against newbie Kirk Donahue featured far more terrifying, humiliating, screaming submissions than this one. Cameron and LJL surely won best mat battle for the incredibly acrobatic and insanely hot and dangerous submissions both accomplished submission wrestlers slapped down on each other. And Wet & Wild 7 had submission flying between 5 different hot, wet hunks, including my personal favorite, Mason’s lips crushed against Trey’s balls poolside in a face-to-crotch headscissors. But Guido & JJ? Fantastic match, but I’m just out of step with the majority/plurality on this one.
Best Liplock was awarded to Gabriel Ross & Christian Taylor in Wrestleshack 18. I called this as an incredibly tight field, which I honestly found completely impossible to handicap. There wasn’t a loser among them, though I was blown over hardest by Drake & Ty in Babyface Brawl X and Trey and Skip in Gear Wars 4. However, I’ve never failed to dehydrate whenever I’ve watched Gabriel or Christian in action, and there’s something appropriate about BG East’s resident kisser-king, Christian, taking home this title. Perhaps the key here is that this was Gabriel’s third taste of this title in a row, having won 2 years ago with his lips attached to Drake Marcos, and last year again with Kid Karisma. Fans clearly love watching Gabriel suck face, and I’d give a kidney to lock lips with Christian.
Looks like Guido & JJ nearly grabbed Best Match Overall, but they were runners up to Cameron & LJL’s Best Mat Battle of the year, Submissions 9. There wasn’t a Best Match Overall category in 2012, but last year this award went to the Aryx Quinn and Alexi Adamov’s Ring Revenge. I’m sort of excited to see this award getting doled out to both mat and ring matches over the years. And I predicted Cam and LJL would take this title, despite my tastes lying with Drake v Mason and Trey v Skrapper.
The Demolition series, and particularly Demo 17, certainly was the big winner this year, with 3 victories. Lorenzo “Jake” Lowe also has to be seen as a major league player for starring roles in Best Mat Battle, Sexiest Match, and Best Match Overall, despite being inexplicably absent from the individual wrestler awards. The other major story here seems to me to be the disconnect between best individual wrestler award winners (particularly Best Heel, Best Jobber, Best Debut) and the match awards.
One thing for sure, it was a stunningly hot, incredibly entertaining year in BG East wrestling! Handicapping the field and now going back to review the winners and losers is reminding me all over again what a sensational body of work BG East produced from start to finish in 2014. Congratulations to all the winners, and if any of the losers need some full contact blogger consolation, just let me know. I’ll be happy to soothe, stroke, or knead out any sore spots you’re nursing. And if you haven’t fully appreciated all of these fine homoerotic wrestling matches, consider taking BG East up on the offer to send them your way for 25% off if you order before the end of the month!
Mere hours are left for you to register your votes for the 2014 BG East Besties. The last 4 categories I have to reflect on are what I think of as the most dramatic and titillating. Like saving “best picture” and “best actor in a leading role,” I’ve held off on reflecting on these because these mean most to me in any ways. First up, let’s look at those who sold the most compelling characters this year, beginning with nominees for Top Heel.
Shockingly, the reigning Top Heel the past two years running, Jonny Firestorm, was absent from this year’s slate. Was Jonny’s work somehow less dominant, less dastardly, less sadistic? With him suspiciously out of the way, however, someone is definitely taking the crown for the first time. I’m leaning toward Guido because of both quantity and quality of his matches. His trash talk alone is terrifyingly hot, but his muscle domination and indy pro heel superiority are absolutely soul crushing. I’m guessing fans will break his way or possibly Morgan’s. I think Cage Thunder is a long shot this year solely because he didn’t put up more evidence of his heel mastery in 2014, but he very well could be the sentimental favorite of long-time fans.
Top Jobber is crazy competitive this year. I would argue a jobber is not someone who just gets squashed, but someone who sells that he whole heartedly believes he has a fighting chance, even mounts some offense and keeps the suspense building, but sooner or later, inevitably goes down in crushing defeat. A jobber isn’t a pushover. He’s not a joke. He inhabits a full story arc, even if the outcome is as certain as the sunrise. You and I know a jobber is doomed from the start, but he doesn’t. Let’s take a look at the contenders for this nuanced category.
Tough call, with a ton of blurry lines depending on exactly what you think and feel about jobbers in general. Two-time winner Rio Garza was not nominated this year, leaving the field open for a first-timer to be guaranteed the crown. With the fond memory of him out cold, stripped naked, and with his trunks stuffed down his throat in the middle of the ring after coming face to face with a certain blogger, though, I have to punch Drake Marcos’ ticket (once again) for Top Jobber. I think his biggest competition for this one is Ty, with the difference being, in my mind, mainly the certainty that Ty would love to be Top Jobber, while Drake would hate it. Paradoxically, I think that gives Drake the edge here. Long shot I think is JJ, mostly just because some people will vote for him regardless what the category is. He’s so complex, though, and you have to partition out his mat work to fully justify him as Top Jobber.
Hottest Liplock may not be a category others think of as the top tier choice to make, but I fucking LOVE this category. Like “Best Submissions in One Match,” the context isn’t entirely clear. A particular liplock? Perhaps not, since the nominees are just matches. I love wrestling liplocks, though, so however you slice it, I’m so into this category.
So many fantastic liplock moments that speak to the very heart of what moves me most about homoerotic wrestling! If I could vote for all of the nominees, I would, because they all rocked me dizzyingly hard. Just one, though? Fuck. It’s razor close between Babyface Brawl X and Gear Wars 4. My vote finally goes to the homoerotic jobber wonder twins, Drake & Ty, whose Babyface Brawl X was incredibly innovative and pushed the envelope in all the right directions. I have no idea what the majority will vote for in this category. I won’t be surprised for whoever wins, though I’m pulling for the jobber wonder twins.
Now for Best Overall Match of 2014…
I’m fascinated that all three ring match entries are squashes. That, along with Guido’s double entry, really fucks with my confidence in predicting a frontrunner. My vote is going to Mason and Drake because of several factors, including Mason’s gorgeous naked ass, Drake’s horrified whimpers, bitter trash talk, a gallon of sweat, and the ball rolling that would lead to me snapping Drake’s photo flat on his back under my foot about 9 months later. Extremely close 2nd place for me is Trey and Skrapper. Holy fuck that’s one over-the-top hot, hard fought, insanely sexy match. My barely better than a random guess for the majority on this one is Cameron and LJL, mostly because of Cam’s fan following. I think long odds are on Guido & Kirk.
If you haven’t voted yet, this is your Bard approved final ballot to point your way to where my tastes take me:
Best Abs: Lon Dumont
Best Bulge: Pete Sharp
Best Butt: Kid Karisma
Best Body: Kid Karisma
Sexiest Match: Passion & Punishment 1 – Trey Dixon v Skrapper
Best Mat Match: Passion & Punishment 1 – Drake Marcos brought to whimpering tears by Mason Brooks
Best Ring Match: Tag Team Torture 17 – Dumont/Baynard v Reno/Walsh
Best Debut: Ty Alexander
Top Babyface: Denny Cartier
Best Squash: Jobberpaloozer 13 – Austin Cooper v Leo Tomasi
Best Submissions in One Match: Wet & Wild 7 – Trey Dixon’s face-to-crotch headscissors on Mason Brooks
Top Heel: Guido Genatto
Top Jobber: Drake “damn-it-I’m-not-a-JOBBER!” Marcos
Hottest Liplock: Babyface Brawl X – Drake Marcos v Ty Alexander (aka, the homoerotic jobber wonder twins)
Best Overall Match of 2014: Pain & Punishment 1 – Drake Marcos sniveling and choking like a jobber punk beneath Mason Brooks
My interest in professional football has primarily centered on a three-way ring wrestling fantasy in which Aaron Rodgers, Jordy Nelson, and Clay Matthews beat the living shit out of each other (obviously including extensive double-teaming by Aaron and Jordy), until they’ve all been stripped out of their trunks and the winner gets a blow job from one loser while he racks the other across his gargantuan shoulders (yep, you can pretty much guess who’s who). Actually following a season has been outside of my frame of reference for well over a decade, and actually paying attention to draft day has frankly never been on my radar. But it was hard not to notice Michael Sam getting drafted by the Rams and sucking face with his boyfriend in celebration. The kiss seemed a tad forced and uncomfortably choreographed to me. Nevertheless, it was hot. For me. Others were clearly offended. There were apparently the predictable junior high level “ewwwwws” from the un-self-reflected narcissists privileged to remain far too long in angst-ridden adolescent ignorance and knee jerk self-defensiveness around their own secret same-sex fantasies. There was the wildly hypocritical “shield my baby’s eyes” indignation from the same mothers who blissfully see no irony in wanting more guns in their children’s schools while earnestly believing that witnessing g-rated affection between consenting adults will scar their offspring permanently. And there’s the “homosexual agendaists” who whip themselves in sackcloth because of the “politicization” of sport, and sports television, and masculinity itself. Whatever it means for football or football fans or sports television, the kerfuffle highlights the simple truth that persists regardless of where you stand: the personal is political. Oh, and two men kissing is sexy.
While I sort of despise the use of the phrase “hump day,” I have to admit today feels like a classic hump day. Grinding hips, anticipatory pleasure, the fun of friction… yeah, I’m feeling it today. Sort of like these studs…
Yes, it’s another Saturday edition of Friday Fashions. By a vote of 84 to 34, my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler Kid Karisma trounced bulging newcomer Dylon Roberts for the title of who wore that low slung, made-for-erotic-wrestling singlet best. Right now, Kid K can do absolutely no wrong in my eyes, so this comes as not surprise to me. The only thing that would be better would be to see the karismatic one bust onto a taping of Roberts back in that singlet and watch the ginger menace strip him naked and shove the singlet (among other things) down his throat. Get down on your knees and pucker up, Dylon, because you can kiss Kid Karisma’s award winning ass and admit what more than 70% of neverland readers recognize: he wore it best.
So, homoerotic wrestling fashionistas, who else needs to go bulge-to-bulge to decide which hot hunk wore the same item of wrestling gear best?