Producer’s Ring: Cuomo vs. Champion

The News Division – Introduction
By Bard

Eli Brody didn’t get in on the ground floor of the News-Entertainment industry.  Eli knew what would sell based on whether it made him hard.  News seldom made him hard.  But when browsing some of his competitor Titans’ channels, he began to notice that they were raising the News-Entertainment industry to new heights with their latest talent.  Some of the latest crop of newscasters and reporters did make Eli hard, and he wanted to exploit this new “hard” news talent to their fullest potential.

So Eli contracted with some of the News-Entertainment Titans for a “reality” show featuring the testosterone-filled news talent in physical combat.  He had to bargain hard for the rights to their top talent, purchasing contracts for a limited 14-day stint with which to craft market gold.  Eli was forced to share more generously the potential profits with his fellow Titans than he would normally be willing to do on a venture like this.  But Eli had built his empire on just this sort of genre-crossing, and his gut, and his cock, told him that this was another winning combination.

In his Los Angeles network office, Eli smiled at his new contract-employees from behind his desk.  In two leather winged-back chairs directly in front of him sat his East Coast talent, Chris Cuomo and Chris’ broadcast partner Sam Champion.  Chris had sex written all over him, from his dark curly hair to his hard body to his massive hands.  Chris was in his traditional navy pin-striped suit and bright red power tie cinched up around his thick neck.  A Harvard trained attorney, Chris was plucked from the drudgery of the legal world when his Titan first saw him giving a statement to the press on behalf of a client he was defending.  The camera loved Chris, and Chris quickly felt the love of a loyal fan-base tuning in to see him read the news on the East Coast morning program.  Sitting in Eli’s office, Chris looked confident, but every so often his awkward, boyish grin revealed his nervousness.  His broadcast partner, Sam, was blond, blue-eyed, and softer than Chris, but he had a hardcore edge about him that Eli expected would blossom into a first class heel.  Sam was plucked from a local affiliate to join the East Coast morning program at the same time Chris started his broadcast career there.  Both men enjoyed an easy friendship on camera, but off camera, they were highly competitive, sometimes agressively so, with one another.  Sam came to Eli’s office in a casual pink polo shirt and brown slacks, looking like he was ready for a southern California vacation.

Standing directly behind the East Coast boys were Eli’s two recruits on loan from the Southern syndicate.  Rob Marciano and Thomas Roberts had been growing market share for their Titan for a couple of years.  Rob started as a weatherman, but was transitioning to anchor weekend news broadcasts.  Thomas was in the regular anchor rotation.  Both dark haired, broad and thickly muscled hunks looked nervous, with their suit coats in their arms and their ties loosened and shirts unbottoned at the top.  “I’m just not clear what we’re doing here, Mr. Brody,” Rob was saying.  “We’re in the news business.  We’re not fighters, or whatever you’re looking for.”

On a couch at the back wall of the office, Eli’s final two new contracts looked much more confident.  “Speak for yourself,” said Carter Evans.  “I’ve always loved wrestling.  Just because you’re about to get your ass kicked doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t ready for this gig.”  Carter was smaller than the boys from the East Coast and the South, but he and his fellow independent correspondent, Richard Engel, looked at ease.  Both Carter and Richard were freelancers, usually hired for short stints by whichever Titan needed a local correspondent to travel into some dangerous situation, most often when armed conflict broke out in a remote corner of the world.  Talent like the other four men in the room wouldn’t be placed in such jeopardy by putting them in harm’s way, so Titan’s hired from a pool of freelancers like Carter and Richard to go into tough spots and report, usually for just a few weeks at a time.  Their paychecks were therefore inconsistent, and all freelancers longed to get picked up by the big leagues, to earn an ongoing contract and be another pretty-face talking head on a regular basis.  Richard and Carter had jumped at the offer of a two week contract with Eli Brody, the immensely powerful West Coast Titan.  Both Richard and Carter wore jeans this day, along with sports coats and white button-up shirts open halfway down their chests.  They looked ready to scrap, like they had a confidence born from fieldwork and skills to improvise on the fly when needed to get out of a tight spot.

“Your Titans and I agree that you may not have been used to your fullest potential yet,” Eli smiled.  “For the next two weeks, you’ll live together in a house in Malibu.  Your lives will be filmed 24/7.  And you will compete with one another for both an individual grappling title and a tag-team title.  Winners of each match will get sizeable bonuses, and champions at the end of the show will be rewarded even more handsomely.  You may not like it, Rob, but you’re mine for the next two weeks.  I suggest that you put your game face on and get ready to please the fans.”

Eli’s closed his eyes for a moment, as an electric wave raced through his body.  This was going to be a ratings bombshell.  He was as hard as a rock.

Cuomo v Champion

by Bard

The six newscasters-turned-wrestlers arrived at the set, a mammoth beachfront house in Malibu.  There was immediate tension between Carter Evans, the independent correspondent, and Rob Marciano, the rising star from the Southern syndicate.  Carter seemed to sense a weakness in Rob, and he was ready to push his buttons.

“This is bullshit,” Rob was complaining to no one in particular as they dropped their luggage inside the front door.  “I did not sign up for this.”

Carter sneered at Rob.  “Your ass belongs to your Titan, dip shit.  You sold your body to him, so you’re his.  He sold your body to Brody, so I guess now your actually Brody’s.  But don’t worry, soon your ass will be mine.”  Carter raised his eyebrows up and down and licked his lips, taunting Rob.

Rob took a step toward Carter with his fists clenched, but Thomas Roberts put his hand across Rob’s broad chest and stood between the two of them.  “We’ve got to make the best of a bad situation, Rob,” Thomas spoke low, soothingly.  “Let’s just ride this out and see what happens.”

As all six of the talent walked through the entry way and into the posh living room, a large plasma screen came to life on the wall above the fireplace.  Eli Brody, the West Coast Titan and producer of this venture, smiled from the screen.  “Gentlemen, the cameras are on, so welcome to ‘The News Division,’ in which you star as competitors.  We’ve already sold more bandwidth than we originally anticipated necessary for this broadcast, so there is an eager audience tuned in to see what you can do.”

“What are the rules?” asked Chris Cuomo.  “What’s going to happen next?”

“Good question, Chris,” Eli responded.  “We’re going to give the fans what they want, right off the bat.  Our first match will take place this afternoon, on the beach.  You’ll find your fight-wear in your rooms upstairs.  Your rules are to secure a submission from your opponent, however you can.  No leaving the beach until someone has submitted.  Other than those rules, what happens next is up to you.  Our first match will be a singles competition.  Our online chatters that are already tuned in have voted to start off with a friendly match between you, Chris, and you, Sam.  Be dressed in one hour and ready to wrestle on the beach.”  The screen went blank, and the boys stood still, stunned for a moment.  Slowly, silently, they moved off to find their designated rooms and get their heads ready for the first match.

An hour later, all six men were on the beach.  Rob, Thomas, Carter and Richard stood in speedos and tank tops at the bottom of the stairs winding down the cliffside from the house to the beach below.  Chris and Sam were walking out onto the otherwise deserted beach.  Chris wore the tight, navy blue speedo that he found in his room an hour earlier, with a white tank top that had to stretch across his broad chest. His skin seemed to soak up the California sun, turning a dark Mediterranean tan by the second.  He had dark, curly brown hair.  His shoulders were broad and round, and his arms were well-muscled and vascular.  His thighs were relatively slender, but corded with muscle born of distance running.  Sam was dressed in an emerald green speedo and a sky blue t-shirt.  Sam was slightly shorter than Chris, with pale Nordic features and blond hair.  Sam was fit, thickly muscled but less defined than Chris.

A horn sounded from the house behind them, and the boys knew that the tournament had begun.  Chris smiled awkwardly at Sam.  “Are we really going to do this?” he asked with a boyish grin.

“Let’s give them a show.  Who knows, this may make you an even bigger star than you already are,” Sam said, holding out his hand for a gentleman’s handshake to start the match.

As Chris reached forward to shake Sam’s outstretched hand, Sam simultaneously grasped hold of Chris’ wrist, tugged Chris forward into him, and lifted his foot to plant a solid kick into Chris’ midsection.  As Chris doubled over, stunned and gasping for breath, Sam straddled Chris’ head between his legs and squeezed.  Chris moaned in pain and fell to his knees, grasping Sam’s legs and trying desperately to pry them apart.

Sam gave an evil grin as he glanced up at the house on the cliff, where he presumed the cameras were placed to capture the action.  Bending down, with Chris’ head still wedged between his knees, Sam grabbed the back of Chris’ tank top and yanked it up.  Quickly releasing his opponent’s head, Sam pulled Chris’ shirt upward, drawing Chris’ arms straight up in the air.  But rather than removing the shirt completely, Sam wrapped the white fabric around Chris’ wrists, tying them together.  Sam stepped away from his trussed up opponent to admire his handiwork.  Chris knelt on the sand, his entire head still red from being squeezed, with his hands held limply in front of him knotted together with his own shirt.

“Well, at least one of us will have a rising star after this,” Sam said to Chris who was kneeling in front of him.  Sam reached down and grabbed a handful of Chris’ curly dark hair by the roots.  Just as he began to pull Chris upward by the hair to get him to his feet, Chris lunged forward, head-butting Sam in the crotch.  An “ooof!” sound came from Sam’s mouth as his breath came rushing involuntarily out of his lungs.  He doubled over, crossing his legs to protect his vulnerability, and reaching down to massage his stunned cock and balls.

“You fucking bastard,” Chris said low and angrily as he climbed to his feet.  Chris tried to pry his hands free from the fabric that bound them, but when he saw Sam begin to stand up straight again, he decided he couldn’t allow his opponent any more time to recover.  Taking a few steps backward, Chris stopped, gauged the distance, and then ran forward.  He leapt into the air, feet first, planting a solid drop kick across Sam’s chest.  Sam was knocked off his feet, landing on his ass in the sand several feet backward.

Chris jumped on top of his dazed opponent, straddling him with his powerful legs.  “You fucking punk,” he growled.  Then still with his wrists tied together, he landed a series of double fists across Sam’s face, sending Sam’s head whipping left and right as the blows beat down on him.  Sam’s face was turning purple from the prolonged beating, and blood was dripping out of his nose when Chris finally stopped pounding.  Wrapping his bound wrists behind Sam’s neck, Chris yanked Sam’s upper body forward.  At the same moment, Chris shifted to the side, sliding his right thigh beneath Sam’s body and trapping Sam’s chest between his legs.

“No!” Sam shouted in pain as Chris began to squeeze.  But when Chris laced his ankles together, leveraging his leg and core muscles into a mighty crush, the air came out of Sam’s lungs in a “whoosh!”  With his mouth gaping open and his eyes wide with fear, Sam tried to yell out, but he had no air left to make a sound.  Still yanking Sam’s neck sideways with his bound wrists, Chris simultaneously squeezed with his legs and abs, and pulled forward with his bulging arms and shoulders.  Chris’ own face flushed with the massive exertion, as he leaned forward, placing his face inches from Sam’s gasping, open mouth.  All his muscles quivering, Chris held Sam trapped for a full 30 seconds, twisting and crushing his body with all his might.  When Chris’ muscles finally fatigued and he could flex them at full strength no longer, he relaxed while holding his opponent still in place.

Sam gasped as his chest exploded outward.  As soon as he had a chestful of air again, he croaked, “I submit!”

“That’s right you give, you little fucker!”  Chris shouted back in his face.  Pulling his wrists out from behind Sam’s neck, Chris drew his left knee up to his own chest and planted his foot in the side of Sam’s torso.  With one mighty kick, he sent his colleague rolling over and over across the sand.  Chris got to his feet, his body sweaty and half covered in white sand. His abdomen extended and contracted rapidly with his deep breathing.  Staring at the house on top of the hill, he raised his bound hands above his head in victory.

The other boys at the bottom of the stairs looked on in silence, sizing up what may lay ahead for them.

Always Wrestling

I’m still contemplating taking up fishing on the off chance I get to see Chris Cuomo shirtless.

I used to post a lot more around here about largely non-wrestling related things. Well, I posted about things that are not inherently wrestling-related, but that in that perverse way I have, I can’t help but overlay with homoerotic wrestling innuendo. Well, really, I posted about hot hunks who, as far as I know, don’t have any relationship to wrestling, that I fantasize about in raucous, rowdy, balls out, full throttle gay wrestling scenarios.

Alexander Skarsgård inspires so many fantasies

My posts have become more and more focused on the world of unapologetic homoerotic wrestling, in part because I have less time in the midst of a busy life. That said, my remarkable penchant for recasting beautiful men into homoerotic wrestling fantasies in my imagination has never skipped a beat. I’m just not writing about it so much.

Perfect combo: Speed skaters and headscissors

I was reminded of this when “Commenter” commented on my most recent post, asking if I was planning on authoring another Olympics-gone-wrestling series. I’ve done this a few times, basically documenting what I’m always doing when I’m watching the Olympics, namely, looking for arousing, hot hunks and, regardless of their actual sport, picturing them wrestling one another.

I’m imagining the USA bobsled team has inspired more than just me this month

As I replied to “Commenter,” my time is achingly short to invest as much as I have in pulling off some round robins like I have for past Olympiads. However, if someone else wants to do the preliminary work of identifying the fantasy-worthy athletes and drawing up some brackets, I would do my best to sketch out where my mind goes. If different readers submit competing brackets, I will be happy to have you wrestle one another naked to determine whose brackets I should use.

I have intrusive erotic fantasies that star Eliad Cohen

In the mean time, I thought I’d just offer a quick update on the hot men who have made recurring appearances in homoerotic wrestling matches in my mind’s eye in recent months. For example, and as always, Eliad Cohen. Fuck, I can’t even open Twitter in a public place anymore because the first glimpse I get of Eliad’s magnificent, hairy muscles make me instantly erect.  Eliad appeared in a New Year’s Eve wrestling fantasy I wrote last year, as he appears in fantasy after fantasy ever since. Hey, wait, New Year’s Eve wrestling fantasies! There’s another fond tradition I slacked off on this year.

Marry me, Pedro Andrade

Another Twitter-infatuation I have that persistently drives me into wrestling fantasy territory is Pedro Andrade. I love this Brazilian beauty’s politics, his eye for photography, and apparently he’s a poet. So, fuck, yeah, I’m ready to propose marriage… and then he shares a little skin. Damn, he is gorgeous in every way. Brains and brawn? What a total threat he’d be as a babyface in the ring!

I’ll fuck this “sleeve”

I almost nearly lost my shit as I started watching the Netflix series Altered Carbon. I am a ridiculous Sci-Fi junkie, so believe me when I swear I had no idea that this series was packed with so much mouthwatering beef. And then basically in the first scene, Swedish stunner Joel Kinnaman shows up naked and glistening, covered in lube. And moments later he’s naked in a communal shower. And in the next episode he’s naked and having sex. And then people show up to his hotel room, and he just stands there naked, the camera strategically positioned with a potted plant or some such nonsense obscuring his crotch. So much naked hotness! Kinnaman reminds me again how easily I’m turned into a slack-jawed fanboy for pretty much any 6’2″ blond, stunningly handsome Swedish man who takes off his shirt, which in my experience is pretty much any Swedish man.

Squeeze those shoulders into my newsboy infatuation ranks, Baruch Shemtov!

My newest newsboy crush is apparently openly gay and buddies with Gio Benitez and Tommy Didario, so of course he’s got a place at my table anytime. But it’s not like he needs any coattails. Just fucking LOOK at the size of Baruch Shemtov’s biceps!? I vacillate between picturing him as the smooth beefcake jobber to Eliad’s sadistic ring villainy, or seeing the two of them as contenders for the prettiest tag team in history.

Warm up the winter Olympics with some sweaty wrestling, please

Those are the current roster of studs slapping on face-to-crotch headscissors and making each other scream. In a better world, I’d write down some of the matches in which they star in my imagination.  In the mean time, I’ll try to clear a little time in my calendar in case you come up with a Winter Olympics 2018 bracket of homoerotic wrestling contenders to work with.


Throwback Thursday yesterday reminded me that I haven’t crushed on hot newsmen in a little while. For those who are just tuning in, I have long argued that mainstream news media outlets have conceded that sex sells, and the really adept newsrooms have been promoting hot hunks to give us something sweet to make the medicine of today’s events go down a little easier. I first started hitting on this subject when Good Morning America put their then-newsreader Chris Cuomo in a dunking booth and made sure we got to see his tight white t-shirt soaked to the skin overtop his bulging pecs.

The glorious state of morning news programs: Chris Cuomo’s rippling muscles beneath a soaking, wetly transparent undershirt (circa 2009).

There was a time when I played with the homoerotic male news tease as a “what-if” concept. I’ve written homoerotic wrestling stories exaggerating the theme for you and me in particular. I’ve intentionally allowed myself to “read into” the subtext of big, beautiful, beefy boys nailing positions in front of the news cameras as a device for sexing up and turning on the portion of their audience titillated by male beauty. But somewhere along the line, I think reality overtook my imagination.  It doesn’t take much imagination at all to recognize that hardbodied hotties behind the news desks and on assignment are a thing. No longer are we turning to grey haired, grandfatherly types with jowls and expressionless faces to convey trustworthiness. In these post-structural days of impossible-to-escape subjectivity, the old boys, later replaced by the not quite  young pretty girls, are now giving way to young, pretty, conventionally handsome hunks with big muscles.

These days, Chris Cuomo can’t stop flexing those gargantuan guns!

So for today’s news break, let’s get caught up on a few of my newsboy infatuations who have been dropping more and more pretense and proving more and more explicitly that they know why we’re tuning in. They know what we’re looking at. And I’m confident that they’re getting just a little turned on by being exhibitionist hunks squarely in our crushing gaze.

It’s about the fish. Yeah. Right. (look at the vacularity in Cuomo’s deltoids!) 

The newsboy hunk I’ve prattled on about longest is, as I mentioned, Chris Cuomo.  Now with CNN, formerly with ABC, Cuomo is, yes indeed, the younger brother of the current (and a former) New York State governor. A reader once mistook my infatuation for the Gov, but rest assured, I’m all about the younger Cuomo.  Chris has owned a special place in the homoeroticization of news in particular for his frequent shirtless fishing pics he posts.

Uh-huh. It’s about the fish.

These days, there’s less and less merely implied about our cravings for his hot, bulging bod. He writes a column for a fitness mag.  He posts videos of gym workouts. And I came across (pun intended) these video clips that prove Chris both knows we’re noticing his big, juicy muscles and he’s more than happy to stoke those fires with muscle teasing.  This first clip is a little hard to see, but it’s Chris videoing a close up of his big, flexed bicep staring us in the face as he imitates James Earl Jones’ deep throated voiceover introduction to his network.

Tell me, would you have wanted to see Walter Cronkite role up his sleep and muscle tease his audience? No, Chris is a big, hardbodied newsboy hunk of the 21st century, when we like them not only ridiculously good looking and sexy fit, but showing it off. Then there’s this second clip I came across from his reporting from the World Cup from last year. I’d noticed his hot, bulging muscles squeezed into that jersey in still frame, but I’d missed this video of him.  I’m not exaggerating so watch this now, because, no shit, Chris Cuomo is explicitly taunting us by bouncing his big, meaty pec.

Yes, that’s what I tune into the news for! Frankly, Chris can’t stop flexing.  Sure, there are fresh new fishing shots (iconically Chris Cuomo) in which he rolls up his sleeve before he holds up his catch, to show off those peaked biceps. But he’s also showing off his sexy goofy hotness flashing a gasp-worthy double bicep in celebration of his 45th birthday this past week.

I know exactly what those massive biceps should be doing every damn day…

Hell, yes.  Just try to stop me from imagining that heavy artillery pounding some other news hottie in the ring.

Clawing his way to the top of the ABC news heap, hottie David Muir is ready for any takers.

The top echelons of national news are rife with industry intrigue. Not everyone was expecting young David Muir, who always looks ripped from the pages of a last-decade Abercrombie catalog, to land the evening news anchor desk. He did though, and I’m not ashamed to admit I tune in more often just to soak in his dazzling hotness.  David has been a little more coy about showing off his bod than Chris Cuomo is. But he does it.  And clearly, it’s his chiseled triceps he’s most proud of.

Just this morning, filling in on GMA, David took the opportunity so squeeze into a short sleeve shirt 2 sizes too small and make sure the cameraman got his favorite, flexed tricep in the pic.
It’s all about the triceps.

Strip them down to speedos and lets see how painfully pretty Muir stacks up against 6’2″ Italian stallion Cuomo. David is long, lean and strong. If it were a marathon match, he’d be slapping on a front-face sleeper on a gasping, exhausted Chris before it was all over.  Which is why Chris would make sure this doesn’t go the distance, with one high impact move after another, body slamming, clothes-lining, and suplexing David’s magnificent body all over the ring. I predict Cuomo takes the match with a rag doll full nelson submission, but Muir would make him work for it. Hard.

Gio Benitez appears to have his eye on a particular baby blue-eyed muscleboy!

And speaking of working it hard, Gio Benitez has certainly been my biggest newsboy crush in recent months. His desk colleagues at Good Morning America have openly called out Gio’s bulging, hot bod, and producers keep insisting he cover “features” that require him to get soaking wet. There’s been a ton of speculation about where Gio’s lustful gaze lands (okay, I’m sure I’m projecting there, but I know I’m not the only one), but I’ve not been able to find any confirmation one way or another whose team he bats for.  However, checking out his online pictorial archives, I’m noticing a certain sky blue-eyed slice of beefcake heaven appearing more and more frequently in his Instagram feed, including being featured prominently in Gio’s recent beach vacation photos.  If he doesn’t play for our team, or at the very least is a switch hitter, he’s the most sexually secure straight Latino man on the planet.

A tag team partnership made in homoerotic wrestling heaven.

I’ve speculated long and hard on the fireworks that a Cuomo v Benitez ring battle would incite. Fuck, Cuomo and Benitez have explicitly been comparing fitness and muscle fans. As for me, I’m sure muscle daddy Chris would demand face-to-crotch headscissors forcing Gio to suck on the agony while staring up at the Italian stallion flexing his biceps and pecs back at him. Gio’s blue-eyed, hotly muscled beefy “friend” would interfere from outside the ring, because no homoerotic wrestler wants to see his lover tag partner getting completely owned by a domineering muscle beast. Sooner or later, though, Cuomo’s got them both stacked into the corner and spearing the fuck out of them with shoulder blocks. A figure-4 sleeper putting down Gio and one of those coiling pythons choking out baby blue-eyes at the same time, and Cuomo is left flexing in victory atop both of them.

What road?

My other low boil newsboy hunk crush is Mr. GQ, Matt Gutman. This son of a bitch is downright stingy with his beefcake shots, which I guarantee you is a factor in why he’s been struggling for airtime at ABC with Gio’s dazzling star on the rise. But ABC news producers have also treated us to making Mattie get wet, many times, including one segment in which we get a glimpse of his fabulously furry, ripped, sensational bare torso. Of his more recent postings, one thing is for sure. That lush head of hair and sexy as fuck furrowed brow can make any terror fade into the background for me.

What forest fire?

Here’s where things get seriously interesting in my homoerotic wrestling imagination.  Mattie’s got some ice in his veins and heartless mystery about him that make me think what he gives up in sheer brawn to Cuomo, he may just make up for elsewhere. I picture him a smooth operator, chill. A graceful flyer who can plant a flat footed standing drop kick squarely into the Italian juggernaut’s collarbones.  Chris muscles him around because, fuck, this is Mr. Muscle we’re talking about. But I say Gutman is the man with the plan, crippling the Italian stallion with a knee-snapping figure-4 and then exploiting a masterful ground game and, sure, some illegal use of the ropes, to wear Cuomo out. He submits to a reach from behind nut claw that the hairy correspondent uses to make Chris crawl on his hands and knees around the ring in weeping humiliation.

I may need to towel off now. Can I borrow yours, Matt?

My thanks to the postmodern era for delivering newsboys who would have been muscle mag coverboys just 50 years ago.

Throwback Thursday

WordPress tells me that I this is my 1,295th blog post. No wonder I can’t remember what I’ve talked about over the past 6 years. Since I migrated the pages of this blog to a new server just over 2 years ago, over a quarter of a million visitors (statistically measured with replacement) have clicked more than 991,000 page views. For those curious about trivia, the most page views in a single day happened on September 3 of last year, when there were 2,845 views in 24 hours.  Interestingly, the most popular time for people to check out what’s happening here is 11:00 am on Sundays (US Central Time Zone). Fascinating.

What summary cross-sectional statistics can’t say, however, is something about the landscape of the distance we’ve traveled over 6 years.  So let’s do a longitudinal look and see what we may learn about how my attention has evolved.

Sam Champion & Chris Cuomo. You could see the sexual tension pulsing off of them (Sam).

Exactly six years ago I was obsessing about an enduring topic here, hot newsmen. Specifically, I was bitching about some transparent PR work to make sure viewers knew that hot Italian of my dreams, Chris Cuomo, was straight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I was also raising questions about his bromance with weatherman Sam Champion, significantly before Sam came out publicly.  Not like the sexual tension between the two of them, both featured on Good Morning America at the time, was difficult to notice. These days my morning newsmen obsessions tend toward desperately hoping to see more shirtless, soaking wet features starring Gio Benitez and Matt Gutman, preferably together. Oh, who am I kidding, preferably in g-strings and coated in sweat pounding the fuck out of each other in a wrestling ring.  Maybe in 2016…

Brenn Wyson asks Jack Hammer the eternal question: “Who’s Your Daddy!?”

On August 13, 2010 I was reflecting on how hot verbal banter can make so many near misses a bullseye. This was back when I was actively subscribing, and sincerely enjoying, Naked Kombat. Specifically, their then-recent release of Brenn Wyson squaring off against Jack Hammer was on my mind. I mentioned in the post that I was in a pretty-boy mood, and neither of these battlers were tickling my bone.  Yet it was Brenn’s aggressive, smart ass mat banter that was holding my attention and making me grab my crotch, demanding that Jack “call me fucking Daddy Wyson!” Yeah. Personality has been turning my crank for the duration of my blogging days. I miss those good old days when Naked Kombat had more personality.

BG East Wrestlefest 1 Battle R’Oil descended into total chaos. The fabulous variety.

If you checked in here this date in 2011, I was deep in homoerotic wrestling metaphor to make sense of riots around the globe.  Sociological theory meets hardcore gay wrestling fetish.  There’s still something bewildering to me about mass violence and killing. Of course, these days we have sanctimonious ISIS nut jobs quelling dissent with beheadings and institutionalized terror. I think, as I did 4 years ago, that there’s something in the human condition that can be pushed only so far, though. Bullies and oppressors are notoriously shit at gauging it, but it’s there, inside each and all of us, ready to go ape shit and fuck conventions and rules and throw our lot in with desperate chaos, when pushed over the line. Revolutions seem to always take us by surprise. But clearly, they shouldn’t.

Of course Roman Sebrle trashed the homoerotic wrestling decathlete competition. Look at that body!!!

On this date in 2012, my homoerotic wrestling imagination was still running wild from seeing so many Olympic athletes pumped and primed in competition. The summer Olympics were over, but my obsession with translating those stunningly world class bodies into homoerotic wrestling scenarios was still roaring full speed.  August 13 was for crushing hard and imagining the pleasures of watching the Olympic decathletes climb into the ring and work their phenomenal cross training bodies. Damn, I enjoyed writing those Olympic Spirit stories!  For the record, the singles homoerotic wrestling decathlete title went to hot daddy Czech Roman Sebrle, heeling his salt-n-pepper hotness all over golden boy American Trey Hardee.  However, Trey won a taste of retribution, pinning the hot naked Czech ass to the sky for team America. Damn, I can’t wait for Rio 2016!

Kevin Crows naked back is a work of homoerotic wrestling art!

Two years ago today, I was fixated on hotly muscled backs as wordplay on celebrating being back from vacation and getting back to updating the blog. This reminds me of the way that continuing this blog has been about ebbs and flows, sometimes finding a ton to say and time to say it, sometimes not. Over the years I’ve often emphasized that this is truly just at the edges of what pays my bills. So life often keeps me from musing further. But I always miss it when that happens. And as much as I mull over whether I’ve said absolutely everything I have to say about the topic of homoerotic wrestling, I keep finding more to write.

Three cheers for Jake’s bro Eli Black for putting Jake out cold!

If you tuned in exactly one year ago, you’d have found my grand finale of my Making Jake series.  It took over a year to work my way through the alphabet, marveling at how pleasurable it is to watch opponents bring out so much, such variety, and every bit of hotness from Jake Jenkins. Of course, the end of the alphabet sucks, but still, I was pretty pleased to call out the joys of seeing opponents make Jake unconscious, vertical, wet, x-rated, yelp, and zealous.

A lot has changed in 6 years.  A lot hasn’t. Looking forward to seeing what next year brings!

Making the News Bearable

The news these days is downright shitty. Murder and massacre and war, and the NRA screaming how the answer is more guns. Dumb shits.  On the other hand, to help the bitter pill of today’s news go down just a little easier, news producers are serving up some distractingly sexy newsboys. Regular readers know my infatuation with newsboy hunks. I complete the circuitry of my fondest infatuations by persistently picturing the choicest journalistic meat going pec to pec in scorching hot homoerotic wrestling scenarios. But even if you don’t watch televised news and instantly think, “now that stud needs to star in a rip, strip and fuckstakes wrestling match!,” you can’t deny that there’s some pleasing eye candy to numb the horrors of the world of news today.  Take, for example, my growing infatuation with insanely hunky young newsboy Gio Benitez over at ABC.

Gio Benitez fuels those massive muscles. Look at that upper arm!

There’s a reason this smolderingly sexy, massively bulging beauty appears in People Magazine’s recent 100 Hottest Bachelor’s countdown. He’s featured regularly for special reports on Good Morning America and that fine bubble butt graces the guest reporter chair on World News with some regularity.


I’ve been offering a bounty for the first photograph made publicly available of gym bunny Gio shirtless, because we’ve seen more than enough shots of his gargantuan pecs barely contained within the fabric of V-neck, skin tight shirts. A couple of months ago, Gio himself posted a group shot of him hanging with a bunch of friends at the park, and (cue the choir of heavenly angels) Gio’s bulging torso is bare.  Holy Mary mother of God that body does NOT disappoint!  The shoulder, the veiny bulging bicep, the slabs of beef that are his pecs, and look at his six-pack singing like the Sirens!  My life will remain woefully incomplete unless I someday see that smoking hot muscle bod crushing some ridiculously lucky hunk in a feet-off-the-floor bearhug.  For starters, I nominate the similarly ripped red-headed fitness model posed in perfect symmetry to hunky Gio.

I offered a bounty to the first person to get me a pic of Gio shirtless. Since it was Gio who posted this, he can name anything (anything) he’d like from me.
Hell yes look at that body! Get this newsboy in a ring!

Personally, I’ve convinced myself that Gio’s right hand his stretch far enough behind the chick between them for him to slip his fingers down the back of red-head’s shorts and, at the moment this pic is snapped, take a long, juicy squeeze.  There’s going to never be enough Gio hotness to soak in, so here are a couple more shots of the only guns that have a snowball’s chance in hell of bringing about world peace.

Potential to be a cocky son of a bitch.
Gio contemplates who needs to get squeezed between those gargantuan thighs of his.

So, definitely let’s see Gio and the red-headed scorcher in the ring, and once Gio has made that lucky stud lick his nips in submission, I’ve got more newsboy beefcakes for him to face next.

You’ve seen this classic Chris Cuomo shirtless fishing pic before. It’s worth another look.

I believe the keyword “Chris” remains the one used with most frequency throughout the history of this blog, and major league stud puppy Chris Cuomo gets most of the credit for that.  Years ago he posted shirtless fishing shots that revealed to the world just how much Italian meat you can hang off of a 6’3″ body.  Since then, Chris left Good Morning America (I’m still bitter), and finally left ABC all together and now anchors his own morning show on CNN.  He’s also launched a partnership with Men’s Fitness in order to satisfy my fans’ infatuation with his gorgeous body. For clearly being someone who loves his body and doesn’t mind flexing his muscles for our adoration, there’ve been precious few follow-ups to his early iconic shirtless fishing pics.  Recently on summer vacation, however, we’ve been treated to a couple of more.

Look at the muscles! He’s still got it.
And flaunts it.

Despite the fish placement, I’d say little bro Cuomo is looking as hot and sexy as ever. I tend to give age and experience an edge in homoerotic wrestling quarters, but I honestly don’t know who I think would win if Chris and Gio threw down.  One way or another, Cuomo’s curly hair would definitely be used to drag his fine ass around the ring by the network newbie.  Here’s another shot of Chris flexing his big guns subtly in Brazil for the World Cup.  Sure, he’s begin all ballsy at the moment roaming the Ukrainian rebel-held territory and chatting up self-appointed “prime ministers,” but I think his work in Brazil (in tight polos) is his best recent work.

Like Chris Cuomo flexing a bicep in a hot, tight blue polo? Thumbs up!

Does Cuomo know why many of us keep track of him and make his name the #1 keyword on our blogs?  I can’t say with certainty. His ongoing devotion to his muscle development, however makes me think he understand his asset ledger pretty well.  And if this shot of one of his fans crawling up between his legs to gnaw on his bone is any indication (yes, this is an actual shot of Chris), I’d say shirtless fishing and bone sucking innuendo suggest he knows why some of us can still handle following the horrific news of the day.

Some lucky bitch gets to crawl up between his thighs and gnaw on that mouthful of a bone. I’m next.

And speaking of newsboys crotch shots, I wasn’t the only one who popped my cork when ABC sent their other power hitter hunk reporter to be one of the first to experience “the world’s tallest water slide.”  Neverland reader Uzzie sent me his caps of the segment in which deliriously handsome Matt Gutman gave us the perspective that all of us would like to experience firsthand, sliding camera between his legs for an up-crotchshot of him screaming and getting soaking wet.

Of course this piece requires seeing Matt Gutman pull his shirt up and show off his hot, lean, hairy torso.


Screenshot (6)
The ideal Matt Gutman piece also requires him to spread his legs wide so he can slide a camera in to give you a picture of what it looks like to be in a Gutman face-to-crotch head scissors.
Matt calls this his “Verrukt” face.

So in summary, the news sucks, but it helps if you can just picture yourself sucking a newsboy hunk. I’d stack these three particular fantasy men in order of muscles this way: Gio, Chris, Matt. Since the idea of stacking them is turning me on, let me further say I’d stack them in order of raw sexiness this way: Matt, Gio, Chris. When it comes to wrestling fantasies, the possibilities are endless. What do leading man good looks and rocking hard muscles have to do with news? Nothing. Which, considering the news these days, seems like a genius strategy.

PSA – Newsboy Challenge

Upshot of Gio Benitez gargantuan pecs as he works out his bulging body in preparation for the biggest competition of his young career.
The competition: 15 years his senior, towering mass of Italian beefsteak, hard, hunky, shirtless fisherman Chris Cuomo.

After I swooned over every captured still of Gio Benitez muscling his way through the surf on Good Morning America on Tuesday, several of you let me know you’re with me.  Turns out, a random Twitterer’s mind went to the exact same place mine did: evaluating how pumped Gio compares with Italian Stallion Chris Cuomo:


Fuck and yes!  I love that Cuomo, who is a notorious muscle stud, gets called out publicly on behalf of the young pup Gio.  Of course, when I read, “the competition is heating up,” I’m picturing muscles soaked in oil, gym bodies stripped to speedos, and a brutal beefcake beach battle of balls out homoerotic wrestling.  Now that Chris is on a competing morning show at CNN, I wasn’t sure if he’d even be allowed by corporate to acknowledge that Gio exists.  Well, apparently he is, and he did:


See what he did there? Chris feints with self-depracating praise, then slips in that Gio is a novice compared to the veteran newsboy.  And just to drive home the point of who would win the “competition,” Cuomo points out emphatically that Gio is a fucking lightweight compared to him.  Competition?  I’d squash that anklebiter like a fucking bug! Sweet, I thought.  But no way Gio’s handlers would let him dip his toes into the newsboy trash talk pool, right?  Wrong:


Baby beefcake Benitez climbs into the ring like an upright, earnest babyface, giving his props to the well-known muscle monster Cuomo.  Aw, shucks, I’m just honored to be in the same Tweet.

On his most recent shirtless fishing expedition, Chris Cuomo’s physique is ripped like never before!

Let’s recap.  43 year old, 6’2″ dynasty spare Chris Cuomo not only periodically and cruelly teases muscle fans with his shirtless fishing exploits, he also writes a column for Men’s Health and is currently video documenting a provocatively named kick ass workout regime with multiple clips of him pumped, sweaty, and working his giant body with a hot, handsome stud trainer barking in his ear.  Cuomo says his ideal weight is 210 pounds of rock hard mountainous muscle.  He says that he isn’t an MMA boy, but he’ll “try a 5-minute fighting circuit to disturb my metabolism.”  I know of a lot of opponents who’d give a left nut to be on that circuit!

Babyface beefcake Gio Benitez has youth and dimples on his side of the equation.

I haven’t uncovered any guesses about Gio Benitez’ height or weight, so I’m totally making this shit up when I say he’s 5’10” and a ripped 185 pounds. He turned 28 about 7 months ago. His official ABC bio says that he’s fluent in English and Spanish, and was the first journalist to shoot a segment entirely on iPhone, which is pretty much crap info when you consider that they’ve left out his vital statistics like chest and bicep measurements.  His Instagram suggests that the boy wonder likes muscle tees and completely unbuttoned polos, form-fitted to his mammoth pecs and struggling to contain his bulging biceps. He’s not nearly as smooth and confident on camera as Cuomo, but he’s come a long way since his GMA debut about a year ago.  Unlike Cuomo’s omnipresent naked torso, and despite his most obvious assets, ABC has yet to unleash full-on Gio shirtlessness.  I assume they’re waiting for a desperate sweeps week.

In the pre-match pose-off, Chris shows off his big, beautiful biceps.
“Nice biceps, man,” Gio replies before flexing his own veiny peaks right back. “What do you think of these?”

I say liberally baby oiled beach wrestling in South Beach, Chris in a speedo and Gio wearing a posing strap. Entirely televised by both CNN and ABC, with special referee weatherman-turned-celebrity gossip monger Rob Marciano.  What are the highlights of that action and who wins?  You make the call in the comments.

Chris Cuomo gets ripped like never before The Hardway. He may be 15 years older, but his conditioning is out of this world right now!
Adorable good guy Gio plays is cool, but the straining fabric stretched to the limit across his luscious nips and not-even-flexed upper arms speak volumes. This kid is fully equipped to do damage!

Picking Up the Remote

Within the context of the news that one of my favorite newsboys, Chris Cuomo, has been successfully wooed away from ABC by CNN to headline his own morning news program, ABC quietly brought on board a new correspondent a couple of months ago.
Luscious Latino stud Gio Benitez looks hungry for success.
Gio Benitez joins the Good Morning America crew after his recent migration north from Miami.  My instant reaction to young Gio was, “hola!”  The Latino stud is handsome as hell.  He’s got a mouthful of teeth, sporting a smile bigger than most (not hating here, mind you… not at all).  Gio has a strong wiff of fratboy hottiness about him, mixed in with an unmistakable “aw shucks” quality that shines through the impeccably tailored suit he wears to increase his network news cred, unmistakably revealing he’s just fucking thrilled to have landed this shot at the big leagues.  I liked him instantly.  I thought immediately that he well could earn an appearance in a homoerotic wrestling fantasy, perhaps teaming up with fellow GMA correspondent and frequent object of my lust, Matt Gutman.  It’s hard to judge, when I only get to see a stud from the waist up as Gio typically reports sitting at the GMA desk or, when in the field in a head-and-shoulders framed shot, but sure, I’d almost definitely like to see someone like Gutman jump this rookie from behind and rip off the suit and tie to reveal what the fresh meat carries underneath.

There’s no mistaking it: Gio’s bulging!
Then a couple of weeks ago, something caught my eye when I was lustfully fantasizing in the middle of one of Gio’s morning reports.  Damn, that suit is tailored all to hell, and fuck me if those aren’t some serious pythons coiled up inside those sleeves!  Of course, you know me.  I can let my imagination run a little wild at times (aka, always).  I can picture a stone-carved hunk of mouthwatering meat with just a single button undone to reveal the barest glimpse of pec cleavage.  But there was something about the way Gio sat at the GMA desk, something about those obviously packed shirt sleeves and an unmistakable bulge at the shoulders.  Is this yet another example of my imagination running away with me, or is Gio Benitez an undercover muscleman!?  A little internet digging and bingo!
This shot alone makes me ready to move to Miami!
Holy shit.  I mean, holy… fucking… shit.  This kid is a side of beef!  I get absolutely nothing in my treasure hunt for a shirtless shot ($10 to anyone who’s got nip sightings on lovely Gio).  But some sleeveless t-shirt shots show seriously nice, thick biceps and big, round shoulders of a pump-junkie gym bunny!
Gio’s prominent nips are begging to debut!
Already there’s online speculation about Gio’s sexual orientation, because yeah, that’s what we do.  Personally, I’m holding out hope that Matt Gutman’s recent assignments reporting from Miami led to a torrid love affair with a certain Cuban powerbottom and subsequently the inside track on a major league job promotion.  True story or not, I’m helpless to stop the barrage of images stroking my imagination featuring Gio’s powerfully sculpted pecs bouncing as he climbs through the ropes alongside his new newsboy tag team partner, Mattie too-hot-to-handle Gutman.  Talk about a power couple!  The old guard on the newsboy beat better get their tired asses to the gym, because there are a couple of new kids on the newsboy block that I absolutely cannot take my eyes off of!
That physique is made to deliver a newsboy beatdown!
Speaking of which, this countermove by ABC to position an insanely sexy rookie newsboy with biceps way thicker than George Stephanopoulos’ neck into my morning routine moments before Chris Cuomo goes live on CNN with his own morning show is undeniable genius.  I’m almost paralyzed by the win-win choice of GMA vs. yet-to-be-named Cuomo morning vehicle.  A no-holds-barred pro wrestling match between Gio and Chris would certainly settle things for me (and don’t think that isn’t playing itself out in my imagination soon!).  However, short of that ideal scenario, let me just clarify for the powers that be that the owner of my loyalties will almost certainly be the network that manages to contrive the more creative ways to maneuver their meat in front of the camera wearing as little as possible.  
Beat it goofy!  That upper body is mine to fondle!
I haven’t been this turned on over my morning cup of tea in far too long. Summer’s coming soon.  I think it’s about time for a GMA correspondent swim suit fashion show!  Sincerely, welcome to my homoerotic wrestling fantasies, Gio Benitez!
Wanna wrestle, Gio?  Call me!

And word to the wise, Mr. Cuomo: this rook looks like he could very well have pecs to rival even your mouthwatering mounds of muscle.  Knock out another set at the bench press and start practicing your pec claws, because this beautiful specimen could very well be more than you can handle!
Call up that personal trainer again, Chris, and look over your shoulder, ’cause Gio’s making his move!

Picking Up the Remote Again

I know that there are probably no more than a half dozen or so of you that share my particular homoerotic wrestling infatuation with the fantasy of wrestling newsboys.  I’m pretty okay with that, actually.  I’d like to think of myself as someone who marches to my own drummer, at least from time to time.  So I’m pulling out the snare drum and pounding one out regardless of who cares, because late breaking news today is making me think long and hard on not only my active wrestling imagination, but also my real life morning routine.

Recurring star of many of my homoerotic wrestling fantasies: CNN’s (!) Chris Cuomo

Chris Cuomo, long-time infatuation of mine, has just been announced as a new hire at CNN to host/co-host a morning news program.  You probably didn’t hear them, but a choir of angels just belted out a C-major across three octaves at the end of that last sentence.

Chris has been getting his big muscles nice and wet as a triathlete lately

I was emotionally crushed and thrown into a spiral of existential angst when ABC passed over promoting Chris from the newsreader chair to the anchor spot, choosing instead the hot little piece of baklava George Stephanopoulos while simultaneously booting Chris into 20/20 purgatory.  Although I find Josh Elliott surprisingly adorable in the newsreader spot on GMA, I simply haven’t felt the rousing hit of lust mixed with my morning news since Chris and his HUGE hands left the scene (seriously, have you seen his hands!?).

Sam Champion is thinking, “Holy fuck, his cock is 2 inches behind my head!”

I hear he’s been serving his time at 20/20 just fine, though I’ve never bothered to track down exactly when 20/20 airs to see for myself.  His occasional reappearance on GMA to do some gratuitous tease and plug (sounds fun, actually) of one of his more attention-getting investigative pieces for 20/20 always left me with a reminder of his hotness mixed in with the lingering sense of loss.

Chris points out the secret to his sexy success (hint, it’s not the fish)

Obviously, I’m not the only one who’s caught on to the ridiculously hot Italian muscle bod hiding underneath that big ‘n’ tall wardrobe of his, considering he’s been writing occasional columns for Men’s Health and continuing to permit himself to be photographed pumping his worship-ready muscles.  He’s also disclosed that as part of his triathlon training he’s wearing banana hammocks and skin tight (aka “aerodynamic”) gear.  Baby!

Look at the pecs barely squeezed into that Men’s Health t-shirt!!!

So, yeah, I’m there, CNN.  You say you’re still deciding who he may co-host with?  You don’t know what will happen to Solidad O’Brien?  Blah, blah, blah.  You had me at “Cuomo.”  This will, undoubtedly, push a new News Division homoerotic wrestling fantasy match up my to-do list, now (with the enticing addition at GMA of an additional gorgeous correspondent, Gio Benitez, to join the likes of insanely fuckable Matt Gutman).  And I’m desperately hoping that I can get back to the good old days of settling down in front of the television early in the morning with my cup of tea in one hand and my mounting excitement in the other as Chris Cuomo turns me on and at least occasionally finds a reason to have to go shirtless.

I’m announcing the official open to shirtless fishing season for Chris Cuomo!

Friends with Benefits

Sam Champion (r) announces he’s marrying his partner (l) who is, shockingly, a man.
Breaking news! Sam Champion is gay!  Well, really now.  Breaking news? I’ve probably spent more time than most studying newsboys and speculating on their sexualities, but even a casual observer of that glazed look of unrequited lust and conspicuous blushing every time 6’2″ Italian thoroughbred Chris Cuomo gives him a wink and a smile couldn’t miss the obvious truth.  So excuse me if I fail to look surprised, even as I sincerely celebrate another hot celebrity throwing wide the closet doors.  Seriously, ABC has been handling the whole thing with remarkable poise.  It’s all about the good news, unrestrained excitement, gentle kidding… all the stuff that happens when anyone tells their friends that they’re engaged.  Because that’s the real news.  Sam’s tying the knot in a state where that’s legal with his smoking hot, sultry Brazilian (all of that’s redundant, now, isn’t it?) fiancé. 
Chris flexes his mouthwatering gun: Sam blushes and adjusts his position on his bicycle seat.
Sam and Chris were stars of the first homoerotic wrestling fiction I posted nearly 4 years ago.  They were tag team partners who had to compete head-to-head in a singles match to start off the newsboy tournament.  Their notorious gay/straight bromance turned nasty quickly when winning was on the line.      Sam used the excuse of the opening handshake to sucker punch (kick, really) Chris in the gut, dropping the big muscle stud to his knees, and slapping on a skull crushing standing head scissors.
Chris feins indifference to Sam’s straightboy crush
I imagine Sam to be a seriously vicious scrapper, while Chris is just stunned that his good looks and rippling muscles aren’t making his little buddy weak in the knees like they usually do.  Sam rips Chris’ tank stop off and ties the red-faced Italian’s wrists together with it before stepping back and taking in the sight of the muscle stud transformed into a vulnerable meatscicle.
I suspect Sam volunteered to co-star with Chris in a wet t-shirt scenario
Sam and Chris were at the very beginning of this blog, too, inspiring me to snag my first caps to post what it looks like when they get dropped into a dunking booth, their wet t-shirts plastered to their bodies.  Soaked to the skin, Chris’ hot pecs and tight abs on display as the fabric goes transparent… this is the type of “news assignment” every gay man wants to be part of!
Chris points at his pride and joy: that gorgeous, bulging bicep (oh, yeah, there’s a fish there, too)

Chris Cuomo remains a fixture in my homoerotic wrestling imagination, appearing in an astonishing 5 fictional wrestling matches in the Producer’s Ring.  His real-life penchant for absolutely needing to show off his massive, bulging biceps doesn’t do anything to douse this fire I’ve got burning for him.

Technically, one doesn’t actually need to roll one’s sleeves up past one’s granite carved deltoids to display one’s catch, does one? Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

If somehow fishing could be worked into my erotic tastes, Chris would certainly be my patron saint.  As it is, his insistence on showing off his catch with his shirt sleeves rolled up past his massive shoulders, letting the heft of his catch pump his mountainous bicep up to a mouthwatering peak, is sufficient to cement him as a recurring character transported into my erotic wrestling fantasies.

Chris makes Sam sweat with a hands-on weightlifting spot.

Now with Sam trading up his bromance with Chris for a romance with Rubem, it makes me wonder if the chemistry between the two newsboys had a part to play in driving my instant infatuation with the big, handsome, muscle clad Italian.  The chemistry between them most definitely inspired that no-holds beach match between them.  Just to round out that action for those who missed it, there’s hair pulling, a heat-butt to the groin, face punching, and a rib crushing body scissors that makes one stunned newsboy wish he had air left in his lungs to be able to cry, “I submit!”

I’m pretty certain the green is photoshop, but the muscles are all Chris Cuomo!

With some major projects in my rearview mirror, I’m recommitting myself to the Producer’s Ring universe in the coming weeks.  First up, my infatuation with homoerotic wrestling newsboys is inspiring a rush of new action.  Chris Cuomo, the hunk featured most in my writing thus far (of any celebrity genre!) is almost certain to make an appearance again soon.  He’s pumped. He’s hard.  He’s been bicep curling massive fish and ripping that physique of his with triathlon training.  Somebody’s in for some hurt, even if the big, gregarious muscle stud tends to be a rather tragic babyface object of muscle-bashing sooner or later.

Chris unbuttons his shirt, flexes his pecs, and ponders the direction his homoerotic wrestling career is heading.

Then again, even the biggest boy scout on the planet (or the one with the biggest pecs) can be pushed only so far.  One of these days, our baby face hero may just decide that playing by the rules and flashing his dimples and nipples isn’t the key to success in the wrestling ring.  And if pec-pappa Chris takes a legitimate heel turn, holy shit! There are some hot newboy objects of lust who’d better watch their backs!

Picking Up the Remote… Again

What the fuck? Sorry about my crass language, but again: what the fuck? Less than a year after the morning “news” landscape brightened considerably with the installment of a blond and blue eyed, 6’3″ hunk with powerful arms and big, beautiful pecs behind the anchor desk of The Early Show, latest scoop is that Chris Wragge is out.

Despite his shirtless appearance training for the triathalon, Wragge gets dunked.

This isn’t sending me into the spiral of despair and existential angst that Good Morning, America’s decision to turn their backs on Chris Cuomo did.  There’s a definite hierarchy in my lustful fanaticism for my morning cup of Chris, and Wragge comes in second place behind a certain curly headed Italian with a fondness for fishing shirtless.

Chris Cuomo illustrates while he’s still the hottest newsman getting no respect.

However, the rumor is that CBS has decided to replace Wragge with Charlie Rose and Gayle King.

What. The. Fuck?

And now I return to my primary question of the day: what the fuck!? Now, some toothy, nerdy hunkiness from adorable lisper Jeff Glor, and the sincerity of even nerdier West Coast blond pretty boy correspondent Ben Tracey are legitimately entertaining side shows. But replace the sheer hunky sexual magnetism of Chris Wragge with either Charlie Rose or Gayle King and the message couldn’t be clearer.

Totally hot back-up singer, but I don’t think Jeff Glor can be the headline attraction for this audience of one.

I am NOT the demographic that CBS is aiming for. I suppose it’s back to Good Morning, America to relive 18 year old fantasies of meeting George Stephanopoulos in a wrestling ring. Then again, there are rumors that the gorgeous diminutive Greek may be on the way out as well! But of course there’s the tragically rare treat of seeing Chris Cuomo doing a guest bit as “legal analyst”on GMA, though it seems like he and Dan Abrams are due for a no-holds-barred loser-leaves-town beat down to once and for all settle whose legal briefs are on top at ABC.

Dan Abrams has both attracted and repelled me ever since O.J. introduced him to the world.

There is clearly no shortage of hunky newsmen who could give drowsy heads a welcome dose of adrenaline in the mornings. The obstinate refusal of the news outlets to dangle some tasty meat to get our hearts pumping is making me contemplate switching to HGTV for my morning devotions. Sure, maybe I won’t be as well informed about world events (though let’s not overestimate the morning news programs for their capacity to accomplish that), but at least I’ll be happy and eager to wake up again.