Newsbreak

Throwback Thursday yesterday reminded me that I haven’t crushed on hot newsmen in a little while. For those who are just tuning in, I have long argued that mainstream news media outlets have conceded that sex sells, and the really adept newsrooms have been promoting hot hunks to give us something sweet to make the medicine of today’s events go down a little easier. I first started hitting on this subject when Good Morning America put their then-newsreader Chris Cuomo in a dunking booth and made sure we got to see his tight white t-shirt soaked to the skin overtop his bulging pecs.

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The glorious state of morning news programs: Chris Cuomo’s rippling muscles beneath a soaking, wetly transparent undershirt (circa 2009).

There was a time when I played with the homoerotic male news tease as a “what-if” concept. I’ve written homoerotic wrestling stories exaggerating the theme for you and me in particular. I’ve intentionally allowed myself to “read into” the subtext of big, beautiful, beefy boys nailing positions in front of the news cameras as a device for sexing up and turning on the portion of their audience titillated by male beauty. But somewhere along the line, I think reality overtook my imagination.  It doesn’t take much imagination at all to recognize that hardbodied hotties behind the news desks and on assignment are a thing. No longer are we turning to grey haired, grandfatherly types with jowls and expressionless faces to convey trustworthiness. In these post-structural days of impossible-to-escape subjectivity, the old boys, later replaced by the not quite  young pretty girls, are now giving way to young, pretty, conventionally handsome hunks with big muscles.

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These days, Chris Cuomo can’t stop flexing those gargantuan guns!

So for today’s news break, let’s get caught up on a few of my newsboy infatuations who have been dropping more and more pretense and proving more and more explicitly that they know why we’re tuning in. They know what we’re looking at. And I’m confident that they’re getting just a little turned on by being exhibitionist hunks squarely in our crushing gaze.

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It’s about the fish. Yeah. Right. (look at the vacularity in Cuomo’s deltoids!) 

The newsboy hunk I’ve prattled on about longest is, as I mentioned, Chris Cuomo.  Now with CNN, formerly with ABC, Cuomo is, yes indeed, the younger brother of the current (and a former) New York State governor. A reader once mistook my infatuation for the Gov, but rest assured, I’m all about the younger Cuomo.  Chris has owned a special place in the homoeroticization of news in particular for his frequent shirtless fishing pics he posts.

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Uh-huh. It’s about the fish.

These days, there’s less and less merely implied about our cravings for his hot, bulging bod. He writes a column for a fitness mag.  He posts videos of gym workouts. And I came across (pun intended) these video clips that prove Chris both knows we’re noticing his big, juicy muscles and he’s more than happy to stoke those fires with muscle teasing.  This first clip is a little hard to see, but it’s Chris videoing a close up of his big, flexed bicep staring us in the face as he imitates James Earl Jones’ deep throated voiceover introduction to his network.

Tell me, would you have wanted to see Walter Cronkite role up his sleep and muscle tease his audience? No, Chris is a big, hardbodied newsboy hunk of the 21st century, when we like them not only ridiculously good looking and sexy fit, but showing it off. Then there’s this second clip I came across from his reporting from the World Cup from last year. I’d noticed his hot, bulging muscles squeezed into that jersey in still frame, but I’d missed this video of him.  I’m not exaggerating so watch this now, because, no shit, Chris Cuomo is explicitly taunting us by bouncing his big, meaty pec.

Yes, that’s what I tune into the news for! Frankly, Chris can’t stop flexing.  Sure, there are fresh new fishing shots (iconically Chris Cuomo) in which he rolls up his sleeve before he holds up his catch, to show off those peaked biceps. But he’s also showing off his sexy goofy hotness flashing a gasp-worthy double bicep in celebration of his 45th birthday this past week.

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I know exactly what those massive biceps should be doing every damn day…

Hell, yes.  Just try to stop me from imagining that heavy artillery pounding some other news hottie in the ring.

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Clawing his way to the top of the ABC news heap, hottie David Muir is ready for any takers.

The top echelons of national news are rife with industry intrigue. Not everyone was expecting young David Muir, who always looks ripped from the pages of a last-decade Abercrombie catalog, to land the evening news anchor desk. He did though, and I’m not ashamed to admit I tune in more often just to soak in his dazzling hotness.  David has been a little more coy about showing off his bod than Chris Cuomo is. But he does it.  And clearly, it’s his chiseled triceps he’s most proud of.

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Just this morning, filling in on GMA, David took the opportunity so squeeze into a short sleeve shirt 2 sizes too small and make sure the cameraman got his favorite, flexed tricep in the pic.
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It’s all about the triceps.

Strip them down to speedos and lets see how painfully pretty Muir stacks up against 6’2″ Italian stallion Cuomo. David is long, lean and strong. If it were a marathon match, he’d be slapping on a front-face sleeper on a gasping, exhausted Chris before it was all over.  Which is why Chris would make sure this doesn’t go the distance, with one high impact move after another, body slamming, clothes-lining, and suplexing David’s magnificent body all over the ring. I predict Cuomo takes the match with a rag doll full nelson submission, but Muir would make him work for it. Hard.

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Gio Benitez appears to have his eye on a particular baby blue-eyed muscleboy!

And speaking of working it hard, Gio Benitez has certainly been my biggest newsboy crush in recent months. His desk colleagues at Good Morning America have openly called out Gio’s bulging, hot bod, and producers keep insisting he cover “features” that require him to get soaking wet. There’s been a ton of speculation about where Gio’s lustful gaze lands (okay, I’m sure I’m projecting there, but I know I’m not the only one), but I’ve not been able to find any confirmation one way or another whose team he bats for.  However, checking out his online pictorial archives, I’m noticing a certain sky blue-eyed slice of beefcake heaven appearing more and more frequently in his Instagram feed, including being featured prominently in Gio’s recent beach vacation photos.  If he doesn’t play for our team, or at the very least is a switch hitter, he’s the most sexually secure straight Latino man on the planet.

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A tag team partnership made in homoerotic wrestling heaven.

I’ve speculated long and hard on the fireworks that a Cuomo v Benitez ring battle would incite. Fuck, Cuomo and Benitez have explicitly been comparing fitness and muscle fans. As for me, I’m sure muscle daddy Chris would demand face-to-crotch headscissors forcing Gio to suck on the agony while staring up at the Italian stallion flexing his biceps and pecs back at him. Gio’s blue-eyed, hotly muscled beefy “friend” would interfere from outside the ring, because no homoerotic wrestler wants to see his lover tag partner getting completely owned by a domineering muscle beast. Sooner or later, though, Cuomo’s got them both stacked into the corner and spearing the fuck out of them with shoulder blocks. A figure-4 sleeper putting down Gio and one of those coiling pythons choking out baby blue-eyes at the same time, and Cuomo is left flexing in victory atop both of them.

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What road?

My other low boil newsboy hunk crush is Mr. GQ, Matt Gutman. This son of a bitch is downright stingy with his beefcake shots, which I guarantee you is a factor in why he’s been struggling for airtime at ABC with Gio’s dazzling star on the rise. But ABC news producers have also treated us to making Mattie get wet, many times, including one segment in which we get a glimpse of his fabulously furry, ripped, sensational bare torso. Of his more recent postings, one thing is for sure. That lush head of hair and sexy as fuck furrowed brow can make any terror fade into the background for me.

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What forest fire?

Here’s where things get seriously interesting in my homoerotic wrestling imagination.  Mattie’s got some ice in his veins and heartless mystery about him that make me think what he gives up in sheer brawn to Cuomo, he may just make up for elsewhere. I picture him a smooth operator, chill. A graceful flyer who can plant a flat footed standing drop kick squarely into the Italian juggernaut’s collarbones.  Chris muscles him around because, fuck, this is Mr. Muscle we’re talking about. But I say Gutman is the man with the plan, crippling the Italian stallion with a knee-snapping figure-4 and then exploiting a masterful ground game and, sure, some illegal use of the ropes, to wear Cuomo out. He submits to a reach from behind nut claw that the hairy correspondent uses to make Chris crawl on his hands and knees around the ring in weeping humiliation.

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I may need to towel off now. Can I borrow yours, Matt?

My thanks to the postmodern era for delivering newsboys who would have been muscle mag coverboys just 50 years ago.

Making the News Bearable

The news these days is downright shitty. Murder and massacre and war, and the NRA screaming how the answer is more guns. Dumb shits.  On the other hand, to help the bitter pill of today’s news go down just a little easier, news producers are serving up some distractingly sexy newsboys. Regular readers know my infatuation with newsboy hunks. I complete the circuitry of my fondest infatuations by persistently picturing the choicest journalistic meat going pec to pec in scorching hot homoerotic wrestling scenarios. But even if you don’t watch televised news and instantly think, “now that stud needs to star in a rip, strip and fuckstakes wrestling match!,” you can’t deny that there’s some pleasing eye candy to numb the horrors of the world of news today.  Take, for example, my growing infatuation with insanely hunky young newsboy Gio Benitez over at ABC.

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Gio Benitez fuels those massive muscles. Look at that upper arm!

There’s a reason this smolderingly sexy, massively bulging beauty appears in People Magazine’s recent 100 Hottest Bachelor’s countdown. He’s featured regularly for special reports on Good Morning America and that fine bubble butt graces the guest reporter chair on World News with some regularity.

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I’ve been offering a bounty for the first photograph made publicly available of gym bunny Gio shirtless, because we’ve seen more than enough shots of his gargantuan pecs barely contained within the fabric of V-neck, skin tight shirts. A couple of months ago, Gio himself posted a group shot of him hanging with a bunch of friends at the park, and (cue the choir of heavenly angels) Gio’s bulging torso is bare.  Holy Mary mother of God that body does NOT disappoint!  The shoulder, the veiny bulging bicep, the slabs of beef that are his pecs, and look at his six-pack singing like the Sirens!  My life will remain woefully incomplete unless I someday see that smoking hot muscle bod crushing some ridiculously lucky hunk in a feet-off-the-floor bearhug.  For starters, I nominate the similarly ripped red-headed fitness model posed in perfect symmetry to hunky Gio.

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I offered a bounty to the first person to get me a pic of Gio shirtless. Since it was Gio who posted this, he can name anything (anything) he’d like from me.
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Hell yes look at that body! Get this newsboy in a ring!

Personally, I’ve convinced myself that Gio’s right hand his stretch far enough behind the chick between them for him to slip his fingers down the back of red-head’s shorts and, at the moment this pic is snapped, take a long, juicy squeeze.  There’s going to never be enough Gio hotness to soak in, so here are a couple more shots of the only guns that have a snowball’s chance in hell of bringing about world peace.

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Potential to be a cocky son of a bitch.
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Gio contemplates who needs to get squeezed between those gargantuan thighs of his.

So, definitely let’s see Gio and the red-headed scorcher in the ring, and once Gio has made that lucky stud lick his nips in submission, I’ve got more newsboy beefcakes for him to face next.

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You’ve seen this classic Chris Cuomo shirtless fishing pic before. It’s worth another look.

I believe the keyword “Chris” remains the one used with most frequency throughout the history of this blog, and major league stud puppy Chris Cuomo gets most of the credit for that.  Years ago he posted shirtless fishing shots that revealed to the world just how much Italian meat you can hang off of a 6’3″ body.  Since then, Chris left Good Morning America (I’m still bitter), and finally left ABC all together and now anchors his own morning show on CNN.  He’s also launched a partnership with Men’s Fitness in order to satisfy my fans’ infatuation with his gorgeous body. For clearly being someone who loves his body and doesn’t mind flexing his muscles for our adoration, there’ve been precious few follow-ups to his early iconic shirtless fishing pics.  Recently on summer vacation, however, we’ve been treated to a couple of more.

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Look at the muscles! He’s still got it.
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And flaunts it.

Despite the fish placement, I’d say little bro Cuomo is looking as hot and sexy as ever. I tend to give age and experience an edge in homoerotic wrestling quarters, but I honestly don’t know who I think would win if Chris and Gio threw down.  One way or another, Cuomo’s curly hair would definitely be used to drag his fine ass around the ring by the network newbie.  Here’s another shot of Chris flexing his big guns subtly in Brazil for the World Cup.  Sure, he’s begin all ballsy at the moment roaming the Ukrainian rebel-held territory and chatting up self-appointed “prime ministers,” but I think his work in Brazil (in tight polos) is his best recent work.

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Like Chris Cuomo flexing a bicep in a hot, tight blue polo? Thumbs up!

Does Cuomo know why many of us keep track of him and make his name the #1 keyword on our blogs?  I can’t say with certainty. His ongoing devotion to his muscle development, however makes me think he understand his asset ledger pretty well.  And if this shot of one of his fans crawling up between his legs to gnaw on his bone is any indication (yes, this is an actual shot of Chris), I’d say shirtless fishing and bone sucking innuendo suggest he knows why some of us can still handle following the horrific news of the day.

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Some lucky bitch gets to crawl up between his thighs and gnaw on that mouthful of a bone. I’m next.

And speaking of newsboys crotch shots, I wasn’t the only one who popped my cork when ABC sent their other power hitter hunk reporter to be one of the first to experience “the world’s tallest water slide.”  Neverland reader Uzzie sent me his caps of the segment in which deliriously handsome Matt Gutman gave us the perspective that all of us would like to experience firsthand, sliding camera between his legs for an up-crotchshot of him screaming and getting soaking wet.

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Of course this piece requires seeing Matt Gutman pull his shirt up and show off his hot, lean, hairy torso.

 

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The ideal Matt Gutman piece also requires him to spread his legs wide so he can slide a camera in to give you a picture of what it looks like to be in a Gutman face-to-crotch head scissors.
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Matt calls this his “Verrukt” face.

So in summary, the news sucks, but it helps if you can just picture yourself sucking a newsboy hunk. I’d stack these three particular fantasy men in order of muscles this way: Gio, Chris, Matt. Since the idea of stacking them is turning me on, let me further say I’d stack them in order of raw sexiness this way: Matt, Gio, Chris. When it comes to wrestling fantasies, the possibilities are endless. What do leading man good looks and rocking hard muscles have to do with news? Nothing. Which, considering the news these days, seems like a genius strategy.

A Blue Christmas

Chris Wragge on his way out at The Early Show
Why do morning television news producers hate me so? My extra blood pump in the morning is getting rarer by the day. It started with Chris Cuomo getting booted from Good Morning America almost exactly two years ago. Things brightened up last January when The Early Show brought hunky Chris Wragge to the anchor desk, but again, the Christmas season is bringing tragic news for my daily dose of hunky newsmen. Wragge is being benched and replaced by two cold showers.

Carter Evans – the most recent evidence that news producers hate me.

And now I’ve learned that Carter Evans, the real anchor of my hunk lust morning routine, is leaving his morning market report to follow his prego wife who’s just got a new job in L.A. I don’t know what Carter’s plans are, but apparently they don’t involve appearing on my television screen every morning.

Matt Gutman – my last, best hope

The slim bright spot and ray of hope is that Good Morning America is tapping hairy chested hunk Matt Gutman with increasing frequency as a correspondent.  Matt is ripe for the picking, as far as I’m concerned. I think I’m due for a little good news from the traitorous bastards at ABC News who sent Chris Cuomo to Siberia (aka, 20/20). Matt Gutman needs to be tapped for an on-air desk job on GMA.

The Gutman – ready to get the call to the Big Show

Please, picture The Gutman with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his hot, hairy chest, which is his standard operating procedure as a correspondent. Those dimples, the strong arms, and that aforementioned hairy chest as regular news reader on GMA would be golden, I tell you. Who wouldn’t want to tune in to see this man flashing that sexy smile on a regular basis? WHO?!

Matt Gutman is fully committed to delivering the news.
Sure, Chris Cuomo is willing to work a wet t-shirt, fish shirtless, and wear muscle-hugging spandex as a triathlete. And no doubt, Chris Wragge made a desperate bid to stave off the axe by doing his own behind-the-scenes ironman self-expose. But in The Gutman, we have a new hunk who, in the interest of informing the public, is ready to strip down to a towel while covering a story. He’s got an international resume. He was harassed by big oil as he bravely covered the Gulf Spill with seemingly fewer and fewer buttons needing buttoned with each broadcast. He showed off that broad, meaty, hairy chest of his covering the soft news of extreme diving.  The Gutman is versatile (which I love in a man), sharp as a whip (which I love even more), and already starring in my homoerotic wrestling imagination.
I have no idea if this is actually The Gutman, but this provocative shot
is out there and attributed to him… and it works for me.
The morning news landscape is getting downright desolate. I’m bitter and disillusioned. I’m perfectly poised to be captured by a new vision of sexy news with brown eyes, dark curly hair, fit body and coverboy dimples. In the mean time, when it comes to my morning routine, it’s a blue, blue Christmas for me.

Year in Review – Favorite Moment #5

If you were tracking my musings this time last year, you may remember that I did my own “best of 2009” countdown. I’m reprising the tradition as I reflect back on another year of finding a ridiculous quantity of things to say about beautiful men, wrestling, and especially beautiful men wrestling.




Again, if you were tracking my musings this time last year, you may also remember my bitterness at the end of 2009 as a result of Italian adonis newsboy Chris Cuomo getting shafted (linger on that image a moment…) and yanked off of my morning television into the oblivion that is 20/20… or is it 60 minutes… or Dateline…. one of those news programs that I have far too much of a life to be watching on a weekend evening.
To kick off my 5 most favorite moments of 2010, I’m reflecting with deep appreciation on the new crop of news hunks that the networks are now beginning to harvest. I was sure it was going to happen, but it seemed like an eternity before hot new meat popped up to catch my eye in the morning news. When Matt Gutman showed up on ABC covering the oil spill in the gulf, suddenly the morning news grabbed my attention like it hadn’t managed to do since Chris’ exile.

So my discovery of Matt is the “moment” I’m appreciating, but I’m also happy to have seen plenty more of Matt on the oil soaked beaches of the gulf, and then covering the tornado ravaged Southeast, and more recently in harms way as Haiti rioted. I’m pulling for Matt to get a desk job soon, so that he can be a more regular fixture of lust and we can see those dimples up close. As long as he continues to keep his shirt unbuttoned to give us a glimpse of that hot, hairy chest, he will remain my favorite new fantasyman from the world of journalism.

Matt’s debut in my homoerotic wrestling fiction (it was inevitable) was at first glance, perhaps, inauspicious. He submitted to David Muir in a Mexican Ceiling hold variation, despite the ringside encouragement of his mentor, Chris Cuomo.


When Chris’ nemesis, Carter Evans dives into the ring looking like he’s eager to take a bite out of the beaten rookie post-match, Chris intervenes in defense of his protegé. Matt cements himself as an anti-hero object of my lust by Pearl Harboring his now-former mentor and double-teaming the Italian Stallion with his new BFF, Carter. I expect to see more of all parties involved showing up in my homoerotic wrestling imagination in 2011, needless to say.

And I’m delighted to add that there are a bevy of newsboys ready to join them. A real life shake up at CBS’ The Early Show has catapulted Chris Wragge and Jeff Glor into my sights. I’ve also been taken with the appearance of CBS newsboys on the rise like Ben Tracy and Whit Johnson.


And did you see that Thomas Roberts is clawing his way up the ladder, now over at MSNBC? True fans will remember Thomas made a delightful debut in some of my very earliest wrestling fiction posts, including taking his tag team partner, Rob Marciano, by surprise in singles competition, illustrating that Thomas is a wrestling kinkster and erotic sadist in his own right (welcome to the family, Thomas!).

Indeed, Matt Gutman broke a bitter drought for me in newsboy infatuations, completely earning him my #5 most favorite moment in blogging in 2010. As the new year approaches, I’m toasting to Matt’s good health, unbuttoned shirts, muscled arms, and a lively News Division in 2011!


Drama

The first wrestling fiction matches I wrote featured newsmen going at it in an elimination tournament. I do enjoy imagining news personalities ripping off their suits and ties and getting down and dirty in no-holds-barred battles. My latest upload to the Producer’s Ring is my take on a pro-style battle between ABC news hunks, Matt Gutman and David Muir.
These two beautiful boys made catastrophic oil spills seem somehow sexy this summer. I’m not sure who sexed up man-made environmental disaster more. For that reason alone, I tossed the two of them into the ring in my imagination to battle down until one of them comes out on top.
Because ABC News seems to be out front in maintaining a stable of lustworthy newsboys, Matt and David each arrive with a cornerman to watch their backs. Matt’s hitched up with my perpetual newsboy object-of-lust, Chris Cuomo. You knew Chris would be making another appearance in my wrestling fantasies. Don’t act surprised.

David shows up with giant man, Bill Weir as his mentor. I get the hit that Bill isn’t a simpleton news reader, and smarts are sexy, if you ask me. So in my imagination, he’s a master tactician and brains-behind-brawn, coaching young David with masterful skill.

And, as always, Carter Evans is your host with the absolute most. I’ve noticed that in real life Carter looks like he’s been putting on a few pounds lately, which could force some character adjustments (still sexy as hell… just with the beef outweighing the pretty… that could reshuffle his potential in one way or another). Carter takes advantage of his monopoly of the microphone to continue his psychological assault on the man he humiliated for the pilot tournament championship, Cuomo. Drama, drama, drama… as seems entirely appropriate for a homoerotic pro-style wrestling fantasy.

Newsboys


Okay, I know. You don’t have to say it. Two posts in a row on my newest newsboy crush,
Matt Gutman, may be a little obsessive. Then again, I haven’t had a newsboy crush to gush about in so long, and it’s my blog, damn it, and if I want to write love letters to Matt and dot my i’s with a heart, then damn it, that’s what I’m going to do.

So, I ♡ Matt. I ♡ him even more after seeing this clip of him getting hassled as he tried to file a report on the gulf coast oil slick. The BP boy off camera needs to get his ass kicked… by Matt… after he rips off his shirt and starts talking serious trash.


When I fantasize about my favorite newsboy crushes wrestling on the beach, I tend to set the scene on the beige sands of southern California, rather than the crude-oil soaked beaches of the devastated gulf coast. Matt staking out his claim and diplomatically but firmly making it clear that he’s not going to be intimidated from moving off his spot gets me just a little hot and bothered. Again, I just need to say, Matt needs to throw the punk ass hassling him off camera to the sand, shove his face in it until the kid chokes, and then slap on a camel clutch while the clean up crew take an on-the-clock break to laugh at him.
And I know that you don’t read this blog for commentary on world politics, but the dumbasses that drilled deep sea oil wells without a means of stopping the oil flow in the event of a catastrophic failure should also be slapped around hard… in prison.
Silver-lining: Matt Gutman hits the national news scene, his shirt unbuttoned far enough to see his sexy, scruffy chest. David Muir must be feeling the heat, as he unbuttons another button.

Newsboys

I don’t want to toot my own horn. I much prefer someone else tooting my horn… preferably a dark haired, dimpled hot hunk of meat who can talk geopolitics.

Speaking of which, it seems I’m not alone, yet perhaps just a fraction ahead of the curve, in identifying newsboy Matt Gutman as an inevitable object of lust. I love to think of myself as a trendsetter. Hell, I’m going to go out on a limb and be an early adopter of this new-fangled gadget I’ve just heard about called a “cell phone.” I’ll let you know how it goes.
Back to my fingering of Matt Gutman as a newsboy hunk on the rise. Another blogger (3 days later… just sayin’…) suggests that sweet, swarthy Matt “looks like he’s ripped from the cover of Men’s Health or Muscle & Fitness.” Okay, I’ll give you Men’s Health… I’m not sure about Muscle & Fitness. I need to see him stripped down and oiled up (baby, not crude) to make that call. Seriously, I NEED to see him stripped down and oiled up.
Now I’m going to get NO work done for another hour or so with the fantasy of Matt Gutman stripped and oiled, damn it. In for a penny, in for a pound… just try to tell me that Matt and Carter Evans in pro boots and trunks in the ring wouldn’t just about be the sweetest newsboy match up since Carter busted Chris Cuomo’s nose on the beach and made the massive Italian scream (for new readers, note that all of that is fiction). Once Carter and Matt pull out the measuring stick and see who’s bigger, I’m thinking they’d make an absolutely mind-boggling tag team. If I can just find Chris a tag team, this would be a fantastic new chapter in their grudge saga. Maybe David Muir might be a little resentful of Matt’s skyrocketing stock…
So now I’m no good for at least another three hours…