The first wrestling fiction matches I wrote featured newsmen going at it in an elimination tournament. I do enjoy imagining news personalities ripping off their suits and ties and getting down and dirty in no-holds-barred battles. My latest upload to the Producer’s Ring is my take on a pro-style battle between ABC news hunks, Matt Gutman and David Muir.
These two beautiful boys made catastrophic oil spills seem somehow sexy this summer. I’m not sure who sexed up man-made environmental disaster more. For that reason alone, I tossed the two of them into the ring in my imagination to battle down until one of them comes out on top.
Because ABC News seems to be out front in maintaining a stable of lustworthy newsboys, Matt and David each arrive with a cornerman to watch their backs. Matt’s hitched up with my perpetual newsboy object-of-lust, Chris Cuomo. You knew Chris would be making another appearance in my wrestling fantasies. Don’t act surprised.
David shows up with giant man, Bill Weir as his mentor. I get the hit that Bill isn’t a simpleton news reader, and smarts are sexy, if you ask me. So in my imagination, he’s a master tactician and brains-behind-brawn, coaching young David with masterful skill.
And, as always, Carter Evans is your host with the absolute most. I’ve noticed that in real life Carter looks like he’s been putting on a few pounds lately, which could force some character adjustments (still sexy as hell… just with the beef outweighing the pretty… that could reshuffle his potential in one way or another). Carter takes advantage of his monopoly of the microphone to continue his psychological assault on the man he humiliated for the pilot tournament championship, Cuomo. Drama, drama, drama… as seems entirely appropriate for a homoerotic pro-style wrestling fantasy.
I need help. Seriously, I know someone out there reads this blog. I never ask you for anything in return, now do I? But I’m asking. This is serious.
The good news is that Chris is ranked #1 so far among the top 5 “candidates” being considered. The bad news is those bastards at city file are spreading the horrific rumor that Chris is slated to move to 20/20. I don’t know that even Chris could get me to tune in at 10 pm on a Friday evening to watch the snoozefest at 20/20. There MUST be a groundswell of mob rule demanding that he both stay on GMA and take the anchor seat.
Speaking of the others, David Muir is ranked #3, as of my writing this. David is both competition for Chris in being an actual newsman and in sex appeal. David must be destroyed.
Bill Weir is ranked #4, where he should be. Bill is handsome and quick-witted, distinctly not as sexy as either Chris or David, but he’s been with ABC News for a while.
Shockingly, George Stephanopoulos is in last place. He filled in for Diane this morning, which is ominous (looks like GMA is taking the merchandise out for a test-drive). But why would George want the job? Face it, morning “news” programs in this country are only vaguely “news.” Seeing George ham it up with Jamie Oliver the Naked Chef over his recipe for pork loin just seems… well, demeaning for George Stephanopoulos. He should leave the demeaning fluff news (as in the anchor of GMA) to pretty boys who don’t mind. Like Chris Cuomo.
Perhaps more importantly, I believe this is an absolutely perfect set-up for my wrestling fiction. I’m feeling a battle royale coming on. Five newsmen stripped to their trunks, last man standing in the ring gets the anchor chair. Hardbody Cameron has got to experience some fantastic suffering for presuming to get into the ring so completely outclassed. Okay, so the outcome may be a bit predictable, but I promise I’ll make it spicy!