Worn Wragged

For those of you who don’t follow the intrigues of hunky newsboys as much as I do (i.e., all of you), let me introduce you to hot stuff Chris Wragge.  I mused on the blond beauty back in his ill-fated year on the national stage as an anchor in the reboot of The Early Show on CBS. It took just a year for Wragge’s reboot to get the boot, sending the tall, tanned stud back to the minor leagues (albeit, the much coveted NYC market).  Although he’s not been nearly so prominent on the national news scene since, Chris has remained in my Twitterfeed.  And based on the increasing frequency of beefcake shots and extensive gym workout coverage in skin-tight leotards showing off his gargantuan, thick thighs and gasp-worthy ass), I’m thinking Wragge still has his eyes on the fad (I like to think of it as an enduring fashion) in national news outlets to feature Hollywood leading men-looking hunks with hot bodies.  Not to be upstaged by Chris Cuomo’s videoed workouts for Men’s Fitness or Gio Benitez popping the seems of his suit coats with his gargantuan biceps, Chris is keeping his hot bod toned and ready for the next call up.  Staying entirely competitive in that race for a spot back in the major leagues, Chris is pounding out his sweet, juicy muscles with an impressive focus and steady stream of teases online. He’s not as lean as Chris Cuomo.  He’s not as stacked as Gio Benitez. He’s not anything like the hot, hairy, smolderingly sexy Matt Gutman. But he’s sporting entirely clawable pecs.  I’m still not sure that the nation is ready to trust a tanned, bleached-teeth muscle boy who is (and this is the key question) blond.  We seem to like our news chicks blond, but our lustworthy newsboys?  He’s either just out of synch or avant grade. I think a snap suplex on muscleboy extraordinaire Gio Benitez could convince me he’s got what it takes, though.  What do you think?

A former college football stud, 6’3″, 40 y/o Wragge still sports the pecs of a legitimate athlete.
Chris indulges frequently in posting pics of himself soaked in sweat and working out, so we know he’s a fan pleaser.
There’s no other possible explanation for why a straight man would wear this muscle-sucking workout leotards. His thighs are huge, his ass is stunning, and he wants you to know it!
Did I mention the pretty boy wants you to see him sweat?
Muscles flexing, the big studly blond wants his crack on the muscle stage of national newsboys.

A Blue Christmas

Chris Wragge on his way out at The Early Show
Why do morning television news producers hate me so? My extra blood pump in the morning is getting rarer by the day. It started with Chris Cuomo getting booted from Good Morning America almost exactly two years ago. Things brightened up last January when The Early Show brought hunky Chris Wragge to the anchor desk, but again, the Christmas season is bringing tragic news for my daily dose of hunky newsmen. Wragge is being benched and replaced by two cold showers.

Carter Evans – the most recent evidence that news producers hate me.

And now I’ve learned that Carter Evans, the real anchor of my hunk lust morning routine, is leaving his morning market report to follow his prego wife who’s just got a new job in L.A. I don’t know what Carter’s plans are, but apparently they don’t involve appearing on my television screen every morning.

Matt Gutman – my last, best hope

The slim bright spot and ray of hope is that Good Morning America is tapping hairy chested hunk Matt Gutman with increasing frequency as a correspondent.  Matt is ripe for the picking, as far as I’m concerned. I think I’m due for a little good news from the traitorous bastards at ABC News who sent Chris Cuomo to Siberia (aka, 20/20). Matt Gutman needs to be tapped for an on-air desk job on GMA.

The Gutman – ready to get the call to the Big Show

Please, picture The Gutman with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his hot, hairy chest, which is his standard operating procedure as a correspondent. Those dimples, the strong arms, and that aforementioned hairy chest as regular news reader on GMA would be golden, I tell you. Who wouldn’t want to tune in to see this man flashing that sexy smile on a regular basis? WHO?!

Matt Gutman is fully committed to delivering the news.
Sure, Chris Cuomo is willing to work a wet t-shirt, fish shirtless, and wear muscle-hugging spandex as a triathlete. And no doubt, Chris Wragge made a desperate bid to stave off the axe by doing his own behind-the-scenes ironman self-expose. But in The Gutman, we have a new hunk who, in the interest of informing the public, is ready to strip down to a towel while covering a story. He’s got an international resume. He was harassed by big oil as he bravely covered the Gulf Spill with seemingly fewer and fewer buttons needing buttoned with each broadcast. He showed off that broad, meaty, hairy chest of his covering the soft news of extreme diving.  The Gutman is versatile (which I love in a man), sharp as a whip (which I love even more), and already starring in my homoerotic wrestling imagination.
I have no idea if this is actually The Gutman, but this provocative shot
is out there and attributed to him… and it works for me.
The morning news landscape is getting downright desolate. I’m bitter and disillusioned. I’m perfectly poised to be captured by a new vision of sexy news with brown eyes, dark curly hair, fit body and coverboy dimples. In the mean time, when it comes to my morning routine, it’s a blue, blue Christmas for me.

Picking Up the Remote… Again

What the fuck? Sorry about my crass language, but again: what the fuck? Less than a year after the morning “news” landscape brightened considerably with the installment of a blond and blue eyed, 6’3″ hunk with powerful arms and big, beautiful pecs behind the anchor desk of The Early Show, latest scoop is that Chris Wragge is out.

Despite his shirtless appearance training for the triathalon, Wragge gets dunked.

This isn’t sending me into the spiral of despair and existential angst that Good Morning, America’s decision to turn their backs on Chris Cuomo did.  There’s a definite hierarchy in my lustful fanaticism for my morning cup of Chris, and Wragge comes in second place behind a certain curly headed Italian with a fondness for fishing shirtless.

Chris Cuomo illustrates while he’s still the hottest newsman getting no respect.

However, the rumor is that CBS has decided to replace Wragge with Charlie Rose and Gayle King.

What. The. Fuck?

And now I return to my primary question of the day: what the fuck!? Now, some toothy, nerdy hunkiness from adorable lisper Jeff Glor, and the sincerity of even nerdier West Coast blond pretty boy correspondent Ben Tracey are legitimately entertaining side shows. But replace the sheer hunky sexual magnetism of Chris Wragge with either Charlie Rose or Gayle King and the message couldn’t be clearer.

Totally hot back-up singer, but I don’t think Jeff Glor can be the headline attraction for this audience of one.

I am NOT the demographic that CBS is aiming for. I suppose it’s back to Good Morning, America to relive 18 year old fantasies of meeting George Stephanopoulos in a wrestling ring. Then again, there are rumors that the gorgeous diminutive Greek may be on the way out as well! But of course there’s the tragically rare treat of seeing Chris Cuomo doing a guest bit as “legal analyst”on GMA, though it seems like he and Dan Abrams are due for a no-holds-barred loser-leaves-town beat down to once and for all settle whose legal briefs are on top at ABC.

Dan Abrams has both attracted and repelled me ever since O.J. introduced him to the world.

There is clearly no shortage of hunky newsmen who could give drowsy heads a welcome dose of adrenaline in the mornings. The obstinate refusal of the news outlets to dangle some tasty meat to get our hearts pumping is making me contemplate switching to HGTV for my morning devotions. Sure, maybe I won’t be as well informed about world events (though let’s not overestimate the morning news programs for their capacity to accomplish that), but at least I’ll be happy and eager to wake up again.

Wet Newsmen

It’s been ages since I posted about the only reason I have any idea what’s happening in the world around me: hunky morning newsmen. I’ve migrated almost entirely to The Early Show on CBS, having felt crushed and pissed on (not in the good way… if you’re into that…) by ABC’s epic failure to retain Italian stallion and star of many a fantasy of mine, Chris Cuomo. As sexy as I think George Stephanopoulos is (and I do), I just can’t help but feel bitter resentment any time I see his face behind the anchor desk that, by all that is holy and just, should have been Cuomo’s. CBS has partially filled the void in my morning lusts by assembling a team of hunks that collectively get my juices pumping almost as feverishly as Cuomo does anytime he goes fishing.
ABC’s Chris Cuomo and that Bastard Fish
It takes four CBS news studs to approximate the raw sex appeal of a certain curly haired Italian, but I’m not disappointed by the assembled beef and beauty (in descending order of my lustful affections): anchorman Chris Wragge, news reader Jeff Glor, correspondent Whit Johnson, and correspondent Ben Tracy. Sure, Cuomo could crush any one of these studs in a marathon bearhug until the lucky bastard wilted in the Italian’s pythons, slid to his knees, and was force fed a northern Italian protein shake, but the four of them operating in tandem could probably take the Italian bull down and make him suffer a serious beating in the ratings. Yes, yes, I’ve already started that story in the backlog of my homoerotic wrestling fiction works-in-progress.
Chris Wragge – Buttoned Down, Rouged, and Turning on the Charm
The newsman sitting oh-so-pretty at the top of the CBS morning heap of hunks is Chris Wragge. The gargantuan step up from Wragge’s predecessor to this blond beast cannot be overstated. He isn’t as classically handsome as Cuomo, nor does he seem to me to possess as much raw sexual energy. He has some odd, not entirely attractive quirks, like his frequently pursed lips and unilateral smirks. However, the reportedly 6’4″ blond, blue-eyed sexpot is unquestionably worth changing the channel for, for a little dose of morning adrenaline to wake up to. 
I’m not surprised at all the CBS decided to contrive a reason to follow Wragge around with a camera as he trots and bounces about in skin tight lycra. On Monday of this week, they aired a gratuitously long segment on his training and completion of the Montauk Mightyman triathlon. Yes. This is national news that a former college athlete (ivy league football? um, let’s just say he was a big man on campus), swam, cycled, and jogged his way across the tip of Long Island. What, you say? That doesn’t sound like national network news? Have you seen this man’s chest?
Chris Wragge bobbing and bouncing as he jogs in Central Park
So my caps of the whole bodyworship segment sort of suck, because CBS’s online videos of their materials are not in HD (those bastards). But a few things can clearly be seen if you take the time to watch the video (especially if you watch it multiple times… trust me on this). First, the shots of Wragge jogging in Central Park illustrate a few things we just don’t see when he’s suited up for The Early Show. For example, he’s sans make-up and hair gel, so if you want to picture what he looks like waking up next to you in bed, this clip is for you. More compelling still, he’s dressed in tight grey training trunks that clearly show those big, powerful thighs of his have a nice bulge hanging between them.
My first trip to the pause button, however, came when he jogs away from the camera. Wragge has got major league ass (probably necessary to balance out the impressive beef hanging down from the front)! Baby! Those big, round glutes pumping away suddenly make his credibility as a news anchor skyrocket… for me.

There’s a criminally brief and blurry shot of him training in the pool. It’s not entirely satisfying, but Big Boy is clearly sporting some big, bronze pecs with tight little brown nips. They may not be quite as lucsious as Cuomo’s, but I’d need to compare in a side-by-side pec-off, with lot’s of flexing and baby oil, to make sure.

Wragge clearly knows he’s the resident sexpot at The Early Show. I get the impression his self-consciousness at being extensively videotaped in muscle-hugging lycra isn’t exactly born out of embarrassment. Towering over his triathlon veteran buddy after the race, it’s hard to miss the cold hard fact that he’s a big, beautiful, muscled pretty boy who enjoys showing off his side cleavage, big round shoulders, and bulging biceps.

Just to prove the point, he’s posted this impressive shot showing off his grease painted race number down his rippling arm (yeah, sure… it’s the number he’s showing off).

The towering stud bitched and moaned about the 20 minute swim, but otherwise he seems pretty proud of himself for muscling his way through Montauk. The joy of accomplishing an impressive physical feat is, I’m sure, something that he should be proud of. I suspect there’s a strong possibility that his self-satisfaction after crossing the finish line may also include a healthy dose of narcissistic delight in knowing that those pecs, massive thighs, and gorgeous, powerful ass fill out a wet suit exceedingly well.

Knowing that there’s some man loving waiting for him might also account for his success in sprinting all the way past the finish line.
So I’m painting Chris Wragge with my own brush, of course. The big, gorgeous blond could be deeply insecure about his rocking body. Critical comments about his pursed lips and one-sided smirks could possibly cut him to the core, as far as I know. I doubt it, but I could easily be mistaken. But more importantly for my purposes, in my homoerotic wrestling imagination, Wragge is a supremely cocky and confident news stud who delights in having his muscles adored, who lives to have a camera lustfully study every nook and cranny of his powerful physique, and who struts around with his entourage of Jeff, Whit and Ben just itching to kick some competition ass. So sure, one-on-one I’d put money on Cuomo to be more devastatingly beautiful and victorious in a wrestling showdown. But I don’t imagine Wragge as ever feeling the ethical obligation to deal from the top of the deck or show up with anything less than all guns (and flunkies) blazing.

A New Chris in Town

Someone who keeps me (relatively) honest recently pointed out to me that I’m awfully predictable. For example, wave Mitch Colby in front of me, despite his fall from the top two spots in my favorite homoerotic wrestler pornboy rankings, and I salivate like Pavlov’s dog. Or, for that matter, dangle a 6’3″ prettyboy with big hands in front of me as I’m waking up with a cup of tea and my dog napping beside me, and without fail, somehow, I can face the world a little more confidently. 
Ever since those bastards at ABC News passed over the option of promoting Chris Cuomo to the anchor desk of Good Morning, America, I’ve been having a crisis of morning confidence. That is, I’ve been having a crisis until the geniuses at CBS News swept out yesterday’s news and restocked the Early Show with Chris Wragge and Jeff Glor (with regular reports from the field by nerd-o’licious Ben Tracy).

For the past two weeks, it’s been Chris Wragge who is typically the shiny, bright face smiling back at me first that makes my heart beat a little faster amid the morning doldrums. In my intimate morning ritual with Chris, I’ve learned a few things. He has an infectious smile. He has really big hands. He possesses a handsomeness that’s not entirely “pretty,” which surprises and intrigues me. He has a temperament perfectly tuned to the frequency of morning national “news,” which means that he can pull off a little gravitas, but he’s really there for the sexy charm, self-deprecating folksy humor, and a willingness to sell whatever “entertainment” crap that they insist on populating those shows with.

Case in point: Chris won the “comfort food cook-off” competition against his other on-air cast members. Big, thick muscles, a 6’3″ frame, sexy charm, AND he can cook?! What’s wrong with this picture?

Okay, so let me be blunt in answering my own question. In my two, intimate weeks of getting to know him in the morning, it’s not all been dimples and winks. I’ve also noticed that he gets unattractively pursed lips when he’s thinking too hard (there’s an easy solution to that problem, prettyboy). I’m not sure if the Early Show make-up people have a grudge against him, but they consistently apply the bronzer inconsistently, leaving him with a Bozo the Clown air about him (olive-skinned Cuomo just doesn’t face this problem ever, I’d wager!). And while his cocky, sexy charm makes me think naughty thoughts, he also borders on perhaps loving himself just a little too much. I really don’t know his story (despite the gratuitous “get-to-know-us” testimonials the new Early Show team presented the first week), but he has the swagger of a big, sexy white boy who’s accustomed to having the world handed to him the moment he flashes his superwhite teeth and unbuttons his shirts down to his sternum.

Back to my naughty thoughts, though, I’m as predictable as a rainy day in Seattle when I report that everything about Chris screams out for a starring role in a fictional wrestling match in my imagination. The boys of ABC have been sole proprietors of the spotlight for too long, and I’m picturing Chris leading the CBS charge to smack down some opponents and slap down their dicks in laying claim to be the new big boys in the News Division in my homoerotic wrestling universe. With Mr. Blue Steel, Jeff Glor on his right, and aforementioned nerd-‘olicious Ben Tracey on his left, I think all the studs who’ve been driving the drama in the News Division had better watch their backs. There’s a new Chris in town, and he’s ready to flex those pecs with the best.

Year in Review – Favorite Moment #5

If you were tracking my musings this time last year, you may remember that I did my own “best of 2009” countdown. I’m reprising the tradition as I reflect back on another year of finding a ridiculous quantity of things to say about beautiful men, wrestling, and especially beautiful men wrestling.

Again, if you were tracking my musings this time last year, you may also remember my bitterness at the end of 2009 as a result of Italian adonis newsboy Chris Cuomo getting shafted (linger on that image a moment…) and yanked off of my morning television into the oblivion that is 20/20… or is it 60 minutes… or Dateline…. one of those news programs that I have far too much of a life to be watching on a weekend evening.
To kick off my 5 most favorite moments of 2010, I’m reflecting with deep appreciation on the new crop of news hunks that the networks are now beginning to harvest. I was sure it was going to happen, but it seemed like an eternity before hot new meat popped up to catch my eye in the morning news. When Matt Gutman showed up on ABC covering the oil spill in the gulf, suddenly the morning news grabbed my attention like it hadn’t managed to do since Chris’ exile.

So my discovery of Matt is the “moment” I’m appreciating, but I’m also happy to have seen plenty more of Matt on the oil soaked beaches of the gulf, and then covering the tornado ravaged Southeast, and more recently in harms way as Haiti rioted. I’m pulling for Matt to get a desk job soon, so that he can be a more regular fixture of lust and we can see those dimples up close. As long as he continues to keep his shirt unbuttoned to give us a glimpse of that hot, hairy chest, he will remain my favorite new fantasyman from the world of journalism.

Matt’s debut in my homoerotic wrestling fiction (it was inevitable) was at first glance, perhaps, inauspicious. He submitted to David Muir in a Mexican Ceiling hold variation, despite the ringside encouragement of his mentor, Chris Cuomo.

When Chris’ nemesis, Carter Evans dives into the ring looking like he’s eager to take a bite out of the beaten rookie post-match, Chris intervenes in defense of his protegé. Matt cements himself as an anti-hero object of my lust by Pearl Harboring his now-former mentor and double-teaming the Italian Stallion with his new BFF, Carter. I expect to see more of all parties involved showing up in my homoerotic wrestling imagination in 2011, needless to say.

And I’m delighted to add that there are a bevy of newsboys ready to join them. A real life shake up at CBS’ The Early Show has catapulted Chris Wragge and Jeff Glor into my sights. I’ve also been taken with the appearance of CBS newsboys on the rise like Ben Tracy and Whit Johnson.

And did you see that Thomas Roberts is clawing his way up the ladder, now over at MSNBC? True fans will remember Thomas made a delightful debut in some of my very earliest wrestling fiction posts, including taking his tag team partner, Rob Marciano, by surprise in singles competition, illustrating that Thomas is a wrestling kinkster and erotic sadist in his own right (welcome to the family, Thomas!).

Indeed, Matt Gutman broke a bitter drought for me in newsboy infatuations, completely earning him my #5 most favorite moment in blogging in 2010. As the new year approaches, I’m toasting to Matt’s good health, unbuttoned shirts, muscled arms, and a lively News Division in 2011!

Fresh Meat in the Morning

I’m predictable, I know. Having documented my obsession with Chris Cuomo’s exit from Good Morning America, I’ve illustrated clearly that I watch my morning news for eye candy. That’s why the dramatic news that CBS is dumping pretty much their entire weekday morning on air folks caught my attention. Whom they’re tapping to fill the seats is sparking my imagination, suggesting the possibility I may finally find a new morning news home.

Replacing Harry Smith with Chris Wragge is a no-brainer. I’ve just never found Harry a turn on. Perhaps he’s a wildcat in the sack. Maybe he even enjoys some boots and trunks homoerotic wrestling matches in his spare time. But on-air in the morning, I’ve got nothing for him. 6’3″ blond pretty boy Chris Wragge, on the other hand, makes me sit up and take notice. Another 6’3″ newsboy named Chris to lust after? Holy hell, this is tailored made for me. He can have a bit of an unattractive pursed look about him at times, but he looks delightful in a tuxedo (who doesn’t really?). The way he carries himself just makes me think “sex,” just like it makes me think that he’s a big, beautiful golden boy who’s managed to have life handed to him because he’s pretty. I smell a fictional wrestling character emerging…

Bingo! Oiled up and shirtless on the beach, Chris looks like he’s packing enough perhaps to even give my other newsboy Chris-crush a run for his money. Sensing something inevitably on the horizon? I am.

The boobulous Swedish swimsuit model and ex-wife aside, I think Chris has plenty to offer my raging homoerotic wrestling imagination. This could work. This could definitely work.

But wait! There’s more! New newsreader Jeff Glor has absolutely caught my attention on the weekend news round-up for CBS (as recently as last weekend). He’s got a fantastic boy-wonder potential about him. I don’t know much about him. Can’t find anyone speculating about his height, for example. He’s apparently married with a child, but I’ve already promptly written those details out of my caricature of him. He does have a sexy voice with an odd (in a make-me-hot-and-bothered way) inflection that sort of sounds like someone who’s overcome a lisp or some other impediment. He just looks like such a clean cut slice of white bread, I’m profoundly excited about the possibilities of his showing up as Chris Wragge’s sidekick.

Producer’s are expecting the new CBS morning team to make their audience grow, and I know one audience member who is already doing so. I will be tuning in to CBS’ The Early Show, and Chris and Jeff will, most definitely, be making an appearance in a fictional homoerotic wrestling match near you. Other newsboys should consider themselves on notice!