Making the News Bearable

The news these days is downright shitty. Murder and massacre and war, and the NRA screaming how the answer is more guns. Dumb shits.  On the other hand, to help the bitter pill of today’s news go down just a little easier, news producers are serving up some distractingly sexy newsboys. Regular readers know my infatuation with newsboy hunks. I complete the circuitry of my fondest infatuations by persistently picturing the choicest journalistic meat going pec to pec in scorching hot homoerotic wrestling scenarios. But even if you don’t watch televised news and instantly think, “now that stud needs to star in a rip, strip and fuckstakes wrestling match!,” you can’t deny that there’s some pleasing eye candy to numb the horrors of the world of news today.  Take, for example, my growing infatuation with insanely hunky young newsboy Gio Benitez over at ABC.

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Gio Benitez fuels those massive muscles. Look at that upper arm!

There’s a reason this smolderingly sexy, massively bulging beauty appears in People Magazine’s recent 100 Hottest Bachelor’s countdown. He’s featured regularly for special reports on Good Morning America and that fine bubble butt graces the guest reporter chair on World News with some regularity.

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I’ve been offering a bounty for the first photograph made publicly available of gym bunny Gio shirtless, because we’ve seen more than enough shots of his gargantuan pecs barely contained within the fabric of V-neck, skin tight shirts. A couple of months ago, Gio himself posted a group shot of him hanging with a bunch of friends at the park, and (cue the choir of heavenly angels) Gio’s bulging torso is bare.  Holy Mary mother of God that body does NOT disappoint!  The shoulder, the veiny bulging bicep, the slabs of beef that are his pecs, and look at his six-pack singing like the Sirens!  My life will remain woefully incomplete unless I someday see that smoking hot muscle bod crushing some ridiculously lucky hunk in a feet-off-the-floor bearhug.  For starters, I nominate the similarly ripped red-headed fitness model posed in perfect symmetry to hunky Gio.

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I offered a bounty to the first person to get me a pic of Gio shirtless. Since it was Gio who posted this, he can name anything (anything) he’d like from me.
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Hell yes look at that body! Get this newsboy in a ring!

Personally, I’ve convinced myself that Gio’s right hand his stretch far enough behind the chick between them for him to slip his fingers down the back of red-head’s shorts and, at the moment this pic is snapped, take a long, juicy squeeze.  There’s going to never be enough Gio hotness to soak in, so here are a couple more shots of the only guns that have a snowball’s chance in hell of bringing about world peace.

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Potential to be a cocky son of a bitch.
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Gio contemplates who needs to get squeezed between those gargantuan thighs of his.

So, definitely let’s see Gio and the red-headed scorcher in the ring, and once Gio has made that lucky stud lick his nips in submission, I’ve got more newsboy beefcakes for him to face next.

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You’ve seen this classic Chris Cuomo shirtless fishing pic before. It’s worth another look.

I believe the keyword “Chris” remains the one used with most frequency throughout the history of this blog, and major league stud puppy Chris Cuomo gets most of the credit for that.  Years ago he posted shirtless fishing shots that revealed to the world just how much Italian meat you can hang off of a 6’3″ body.  Since then, Chris left Good Morning America (I’m still bitter), and finally left ABC all together and now anchors his own morning show on CNN.  He’s also launched a partnership with Men’s Fitness in order to satisfy my fans’ infatuation with his gorgeous body. For clearly being someone who loves his body and doesn’t mind flexing his muscles for our adoration, there’ve been precious few follow-ups to his early iconic shirtless fishing pics.  Recently on summer vacation, however, we’ve been treated to a couple of more.

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Look at the muscles! He’s still got it.
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And flaunts it.

Despite the fish placement, I’d say little bro Cuomo is looking as hot and sexy as ever. I tend to give age and experience an edge in homoerotic wrestling quarters, but I honestly don’t know who I think would win if Chris and Gio threw down.  One way or another, Cuomo’s curly hair would definitely be used to drag his fine ass around the ring by the network newbie.  Here’s another shot of Chris flexing his big guns subtly in Brazil for the World Cup.  Sure, he’s begin all ballsy at the moment roaming the Ukrainian rebel-held territory and chatting up self-appointed “prime ministers,” but I think his work in Brazil (in tight polos) is his best recent work.

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Like Chris Cuomo flexing a bicep in a hot, tight blue polo? Thumbs up!

Does Cuomo know why many of us keep track of him and make his name the #1 keyword on our blogs?  I can’t say with certainty. His ongoing devotion to his muscle development, however makes me think he understand his asset ledger pretty well.  And if this shot of one of his fans crawling up between his legs to gnaw on his bone is any indication (yes, this is an actual shot of Chris), I’d say shirtless fishing and bone sucking innuendo suggest he knows why some of us can still handle following the horrific news of the day.

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Some lucky bitch gets to crawl up between his thighs and gnaw on that mouthful of a bone. I’m next.

And speaking of newsboys crotch shots, I wasn’t the only one who popped my cork when ABC sent their other power hitter hunk reporter to be one of the first to experience “the world’s tallest water slide.”  Neverland reader Uzzie sent me his caps of the segment in which deliriously handsome Matt Gutman gave us the perspective that all of us would like to experience firsthand, sliding camera between his legs for an up-crotchshot of him screaming and getting soaking wet.

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Of course this piece requires seeing Matt Gutman pull his shirt up and show off his hot, lean, hairy torso.

 

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The ideal Matt Gutman piece also requires him to spread his legs wide so he can slide a camera in to give you a picture of what it looks like to be in a Gutman face-to-crotch head scissors.
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Matt calls this his “Verrukt” face.

So in summary, the news sucks, but it helps if you can just picture yourself sucking a newsboy hunk. I’d stack these three particular fantasy men in order of muscles this way: Gio, Chris, Matt. Since the idea of stacking them is turning me on, let me further say I’d stack them in order of raw sexiness this way: Matt, Gio, Chris. When it comes to wrestling fantasies, the possibilities are endless. What do leading man good looks and rocking hard muscles have to do with news? Nothing. Which, considering the news these days, seems like a genius strategy.

2 thoughts on “Making the News Bearable

  1. Hey Bard,
    been awhile since I checked your blog…but yeah love me some Big Chris , Hunky Gio(though have not seen him on GMA Weekend lately) & cutie Matt plus I dream of David Muir muscles as well with those broad shoulders & his cute smirk!!!! I agree watching the horrible news is only made bearable by those hunks!!!!!

    Cheers Alex

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