I’d seen Jakob Rawley only in passing before I sat down to watch Ring Rookies 9, but honestly, all I saw was the beard. It’s serious beardage. Like, honestly, sometimes I think Forrest Taylor’s beard is a bit distracting from the rest of his hotness, but the only thing I’d seen from Hunkbash 30 (Jakob’s debut) was the beard. To call it “bushy” doesn’t quite cover it. It looks like a wild animal is eating his face. Which, now that I’ve taken a close look at him, is a fucking shame, because I do believe, underneath that intensely aggressive edge-of-unkempt facial hair, there’s handsome young fucker.

In Ring Rookies 9, Jakob climbs into the ring with Stevie Suave. This is my second look at Stevie, and he’s exactly as I remembered him: obnoxious as fuck. I’m pretty sure it’s his shtick, the irrationally overconfident narcissist newbie. He’s all in on it, so that about two and a half minutes into the match, I’m aching for Jakob to punch him in the face. Hard. But here’s the thing… before they ever touch each other, Stevie pays Jakob a 20 dollar bill to keep away from Stevie’s face. “My face is my moneymaker,” Stevie claims. I’m shouting at my screen for Jakob to just punch him in the face then and there and take the cash anyway. Hell, I’d cover the $20 if he wanted to throw it back in the loudmouth’s busted face. But instead, Jakob just smiles (fuck, he is cute), and says “I got ya,” before stuffing the $20 inside his trunks (oh, to be a 20 dollar bill).

On the one hand, it’s hard to take Stevie seriously because he’s so over the top. But on the other hand, the curly haired anti-hero is a mean fucker. He’s the aggressor to get the ball rolling. A couple of quick, decisive arm drags put muscle boy Jakob down hard, and that nod of respect you can see from Jakob is exactly the same look on my face as we both reevaluate the pretty boy loudmouth. Stevie has repeated flashes of mean offense, like chopping Jakob’s meaty pecs in the corner, choking the bearded muscle boy on the ropes, and bearhugging Jakob long and hard. When he lands a swinging place kick to Jakob’s balls, I begrudgingly have to admit Stevie’s not just a pretty boy loudmouth narcissist. He’s doing some damage to Jakob’s hot muscled body.

And FUCK, Jakob’s hot muscled body sort of sneaks up on me. I tell you, it’s that homeless shelter beard that distracts me from fully appreciating his legit fantasyman physique. But after Stevie has kicked the fuck out of his balls and Jakob falls to the mat, clutching his jewels, kissing the ring with his ass in the air (and I almost can’t really see the beard), it occurs to me. Fuck, Jakob’s muscle boy body rocks!!! And then once I’ve seen it, I can’t unsee it. He’s got these gargantuan, multiheaded shoulders and bulging traps. His hairy forearms scream Popeye. But it’s those pecs that keep making me gasp. Fuck, that meat looks tasty, and I’m officially obsessed with his nipples. Not only will I cover Stevie’s $20 if Jakob punches the mop-haired loudmouth in the face, I’ll put up another $20 if he makes Stevie suck his nipples.

Happily, Jakob is also a hotly aggressive wrestler/brawler. Holy shit, Jakob pitching turns me on. He’s got these decisive and curiously skilled counters that suck the momentum right out of his opponent. He locks on this Boston crab that showcases those pumped pecs of his and, again, makes me swoon over wanting to see somebody work on his nipples. He makes Stevie scream like a sniveling bitch in a vicious ankle lock (“You’re going to break my fucking leg!!!”), and then snaps back, darkly, “No, I’m going to break your fucking back,” before executing FIVE vicious OTK backbreakers, milking the last one long and hard, again showcasing those hypnotic pecs until Stevie’s begging and pleading in a panic.

I honestly don’t think there’s as much distance between Stevie and Jakob’s wrestling as I might think at first glance. Jakob’s fucking mean, too. He’s got just as much un-rookie-like polish as Stevie, with even a bit more bar room brawler blunt force offense. He likes shutting Stevie up almost as much as Stevie likes monologuing. And when he’s scored a submission, he proudly, but maybe with just a twinge of incredibly endearing shyness, flexes that rocking hot muscle bod victoriously.

Very entertaining story telling from start to finish in this match. Hot tension builds with the sweet back-and-forth battle that concludes with me seriously satisfied and a bit dehydrated. I didn’t know I’d walk away from Ring Rookies 9 this infatuated with Jakob Rawley, but there it is. I’m hoping to see a lot more of him, including his naked chin and neck, but especially that hot, sweaty muscle bod put to the most perfect use the wrestling gods made it for: beating the living shit out of opponents and then giving us that shy smile perched on top of that sensationally sexy muscle boy physique, flexing proudly.