UKWrestlingHub describes their match #178 as “the best of British muscle boys.” I’m instantly hooked by the pairing of Joey Mason, who I not long ago fell in lust with, and T-World, who I’ve crushed on from afar for quite a while now. I’m an American English speaker from birth, but I NEED fucking subtitles to catch even 50% of what Joey says. Other than “fuck,” which he says approximately 87 times over the course of the 16 minute match. There’s got to be some relatively subtle class politics playing out between these two based on their very different accents, but my expertise is limited to watching Gavin and Stacey and the Catherine Tate Show, so I think it mostly goes over my head. That said, T-World’s diction is crisp and dripping with condescension, while Joey’s is… literally unintelligible with notes of clearly-on-the-edge-of-pulling-a-knife out at any moment. Just to be clear, there’s no knife. And no subtitles. Just 16 minutes packed with some intense wrestling drama and the aforementioned 87 (or so) “fucks.”

Okay, in all honestly, I did understand more of what Joey had to say… but I had to listen to it a few times. It was worth the work, because his trash talk is fucking hot! T-World struts in like he owns the place, and sneers down his nose at the UKWrestlingHub newbie, Joey. “So, they said you were the new kid,” T-World says, with an emphasis on “kid.” “Right,” he rolls his eyes dismissively. “I didn’t realize we were running a creche.” This American watching quickly confirms through online sources that “creche” is what I’d call a nursery, and T-World just called Joey a snot-nosed child. And, honestly, I get it. Joey looks young and ripe for spoiling. Those union jack trunks are sensational in showing off a seriously hot bod, but, sure, but he’s a total babyface. Joey snarks back something that sounds like he’s gargling marbles, but when I watch it again a few times, it turns out he said, “Yeah, ready to fuck the shit out of you. Show you who’s the bad boy here!” And, fuck, yeah, the extra effort to translate it is worth it. Dialect aside, Joey’s trash talk game is fierce and seriously turning me on.

You know what else is turning me on? The back and forth battle of mean boys in this match. T-World looks like a candidate for the next Bond, frankly. Seriously handsome, sweet, meaty pecs, thickly muscles thighs. The syrupy buckets of condescension he pours out make me want to see Joey sit on his face and smother him with that union jack so valiantly stretched across Joey’s meaty ass. However, damn it all if T-World doesn’t heel seriously satisfyingly. When he’s wringing suffering out of the babyfaced newbie like a sponge with a long, mean Boston crab, I can’t help but enjoy the slow, cruel pace of it. Once again, Joey has that haircut so sharp you can cut yourself on it, and T-World dragging the boy up by a handful of it is lush. He hoists Joey high off the ring in a luxuriously long bearhug that shows off the star of the show (in my opinion), Joey’s munchable ass, and I’ve just go to sit back and appreciate it. T-World’s self-congratulatory snark and superiority are so fucking annoying, but fuck it all if he doesn’t heel like the “real champ” he repeatedly points out that he is.

The only other time I saw Joey wrestle he jobbed relentlessly, so I was sitting up and cheering to see him battle back against T-World’s size and experience advantages and put a hot, sexy hurt on 007. Joey’s got some sweet, hot-bully potential right below the surface as he manhandles his smart-mouthed opponent in a belly-to-back bearhug. Even T-World admits to being shocked by the kid’s power. Joey’s camel clutch is cocky and vicious, but he’s in the saddle for the real offense, which is his relentless dirty-mouthed, marble gargling trash talk. “So, you’re a little fucking bitch boy,” he snarls at the back of T-World’s head, who’s not exactly in any position to argue with Joey. “That’s all you are, right? Cry like a little fucking bitch, you little fucking pussy!” So, yeah, I still say it was worth rewinding and studying the audio to tease out that hot, sexy, take-no-prisoners trash talk from the new kid. True, he lets’ T-World get up without wrenching a submission out of the pompous asshole… but, he sadistically stomps T-World right back down when the pretty boy starts to try to climb up to all fours and finally defend himself against this mean, ripped, ridiculously cute newbie.

It’s a back and forth battle, which is SO in my sweet spot, although I know there are those of you who can never get enough squashes. So, buyer beware, this is NOT a squash. I’m pretty sure T-World’s cunning, size, and blind certainty of his own superiority are going to pull this out, but Joey, despite suffering like a fucking champ, keeps this seriously interesting to the end. Even when Joey’s writhing and wailing in agony, he’s making threats that make my crotch twitch. “Wait till I get out,” Joey gargles. “You’re fucked boy! You’re so fucking fucked, I promise you right now!” He doesn’t submit. Sure, he’s got an edge of pleading in his voice, but he demands T-World let him go from 007’s camel clutch like T-World may have just poked the bear cub one too many times. Still, draped over the bottom turnbuckle with T-World bouncing his ass on Joey’s lower back, it’s hard to see how this new kid is going to pull off the upset. “Big mouth,” T-World delivers his withering assessment of Joey’s prospects at UKWrestlingHub. “Weak back!”

I’ve got to study the transcript more to discover how much more turned on Joey can make me with his nearly incomprehensible trash talk (I suspect it’s a lot more). But let me just wrap up by saying both of these wrestlers are sensationally hot to look at, and they’ve got seriously compelling personalities on full display in this match. The wrestling is somewhere right on the border between pro and back alley brawl, and I fucking love that formula. I know I said this last time I reviewed Joey in a match, but sweet fucking wrestling gods, this skinny-fit pretty boy has got a magnificently compelling ass, and I hope it lures more of the Best of British Muscle Boys to sign up for a go at him!