Carl Edwards – Sidelineland

I’m not saying who it is, but somebody clearly needs an ass-whoopin’.

Carl Edwards has been on my radar since I first saw him in all his shirtless glory. After this weekend’s dramatic NASCAR crash, attributed to Edward’s bump, Carl is revealing why he will, indeed, make a fantastic character for my fictional wrestling world.

With the bluster of a pro-wrestler being interviewed post-match after splitting open his opponent with a folding chair, Carl says: hell yes he bumped Brad Keslowski from behind, sending him airborne so high he nearly flew over the barrier protecting the fans. And, Carl assures us, Brad deserved it.

These two have apparently tussled in the past, and Carl felt that the dramatic up-the-tailpipe move was coming to Brad. This is melodrama made for old-style pro, with Carl even appealing to his “personal code” that tells him that when a competitor dicks around with you, he deserves to have the boom lowered hard and decisively – let the chips fall where they may.

We all know what’s required here. Two punks need to strip to trunks, climb in the ring, and settle this shit. And who, may you ask, is going to have to face off with 6’1, 185 pound muscle stud, Carl?

Meet 5’10, 155 pound (seriously, I’m not making this up), Brad. Picture babyface Cameron Matthews‘ humiliating beatdown at the hands of hung hunk Beau Nasty. Ah, hell, I’m going to be obsessing about this until Carl v Brad shows up in the Producer’s Ring (hopefully soon).

I’ve received a few requests from readers of my celebrity wrestling fiction to add sports stars into the matches. While it’s true I don’t particularly follow most sports, I’m not as sports-illiterate as some gay men I know (though “icing” in hockey still bewilders me). I even enjoy taking in some of the action, particularly when it’s live (going to the ballpark is awesome… watching on TV is not). Still, I’ve had to do some research to find who in sports today needs to be body slammed, and who in sports needs to do the slamming.

I found that Towleroad has a very, very nice running feature called “Sportraits” that displays some of the prime beef in sports entertainment. If not for this search for talent to write up in the wrestling ring, I’d NEVER have discovered the fantastic torso of NASCAR driver Carl Edwards. I believe I detect a little airbrushing, but Carl’s beautiful body is still just aching to get tortured in a camel clutch, don’t you think?

And then there’s rugby boy Ben Cohen. The fact that Ben apparently has body issues is endearing – completely ridiculous and a tragic indictment of society, but endearing . In my mind, Ben’s prime for pile driving some cocky muscle-head hardbody in the middle of the ring.

And though he’s retired now, a reader put me on to the beauty that is soccer/footballer Hidetoshi Nakata. I’ve got a whole slate of soccer boys just aching to mix it up in the Producer’s Ring (Freddie Ljungberg and David Beckham have already posted a match). I’m already picturing Hidetoshi and some great, crippling arial work.

Finally, I am summoning a supreme act of self restraint not to make lewd comments about the stunning beauty of Brendon Ayanbadejo.

My self-restraint is in honor of the Baltimore Ravens football player’s outspoken support of human rights protections for the gays. I’ll keep him out of the fictional wrestling ring so that he’ll have more time to wax philosophical about the role of religion and human rights in a capitalist democracy. A man with fantastic lips, gorgeous body, classy ink, and he’s both politically reflective and articulate!? … restraining myself…. restraining myself….

I probably won’t start following many more sports any more closely. But I can’t wait to get some of these sports studs introduced to my homoerotic wrestling fetishist imagination.