“Last call, bitches!” Johnny Weir barks into the microphone, standing spotlighted in the middle of the ring. “Our final match of this, the first evening of competition features a 5’10” and 198 pound stud from Coventry, England. The 29 year-old goes by The Deliverer to his fans, but he’s going home empty handed unless he can claim the belt in this competition. Welcome to the ring Joel ‘Be Afraid’ Fearon!”
The crowd roars to life as Joel sprints from backstage, flying down the aisle, and diving under the bottom rope to slide into the ring. Wearing black ultra briefs and black boots, he jumps to his feet and climbs the turnbuckle, flexing for the screaming fans. He mimes placing the championship belt across his washboard abs.
“His opponent is 25 years old, hailing from Sydney, Australia. At 5’9″ and 205 pounds, his friends call him Haydos, but you’re going to just know him as Mr. Banana Hammock. Welcome to the ring Hayden… Smith!”
The Aussie bobsledder bursts out from behind the curtain bouncing on the balls of his bare feet. Wearing his signature swimwear in banana yellow, his ample package bounces in the designer pouch. He jogs at a leisurely pace down the aisle, hopping gingerly up to the ring apron to give the fans a full view of his beefy, hairy legs and muscled ass. He’s barefoot, with a sun-kissed tan beneath his lightly hairy pecs. After he ducks through the ropes, his eyes slowly wander up and down the glistening, smooth muscles of his massively built opponent. Hayden’s right hand absent-mindedly slides down his own washboard abs, following his furry happy trail until his fingers wrap firmly around his package and shift the ballast.
Referee Jake Dalton calls the wrestlers to the center of the ring as Johnny Weir stands very close behind, reaching around to hold the microphone for him. “All right gentlemen, you know the rules.” Joel and Hayden stare blankly into each other’s eyes, their massive pecs almost touching. “Advance to the next round with a 10-count non-response, a submission, or a 3-count pin,” the ref explains. “Do what it takes, or just go home!” Hayden and Joel back their way to opposite corners as Johnny retreats from the ring. The ref signals, and the bell rings twice.
The battling bobsledders start to circle cautiously. Deliberately, they spiral to the center of the ring and lock tightly into a collar and elbow position. Both heavily muscled men push and pull, testing strength and balance. With a grunt, the Aussie yanks hard, pulling Joel off balance enough to clamp a bulging side headlock on and back the Englishman into the ropes. Two astonishingly fast knee lifts pound viciously into Joel’s muscle-armored lower abdomen. Winded by the blows, Joel doesn’t mount a defense as Hayden pulls him away from the ropes and delivers a lightning quick suplex. The Aussie bounces off the mat in an instant, smiling, calculating, allowing Joel to more slowly peel his throbbing lower back up and into a low, defensive crouch. Again, absentmindedly, Hayden rearranges his bouncing package.
Once again they circle briefly before colliding into another collar and elbow lock up. Another contest of power and balance ensues, but comes to an abrupt end when Joel stomps the heel of his black boot viciously into his opponent’s naked toes. Hayden yelps in pain, pulling his injured foot off the mat. Instantly, Joel dives forward, clotheslining his hobbled opponent across the chest. Hayden slams to his back with a loud bang. Quickly, Joel mounts him in a schoolboy pin, yanking on the back of Hayden’s head to smother the Aussie’s face in his crotch. The crowd applauds appreciatively.
Joel tilts to the side and extends his gargantuan, smooth thighs, sucking the Aussie into smothering face-to-crotch headscissors. The English hunk laces his ankles together and leans back on his left elbow, treating the fans to a cocky, celebratory right bicep flex. A first trickle of sweat beads down the deep valley between the black bobsledder’s massive pecs.
Most of Hayden’s face is buried between his opponent’s inner thighs clamped around his head, but nearby fans can hear his grunts as the Aussie pulls himself up to his knees, lifting his opponent’s hips off the mat. Joel arches his lower back, evoking a sharp gasp of pain as he crushes Hayden’s skull with a fraction more pressure. However, the fierce Aussie drives forward, rolling Joel to his shoulders. The ref is on his knees nearby, but as Joel grasps his opponent’s head in both hands, his shoulders pull forward out of the pin. Hayden’s huge, hairy thighs quiver with power as he presses forward, folding his opponent in half, still struggling for air with his mouth and nose buried deep. Suddenly, the Aussie pulls his left leg back, arching his lower back, flexing his magnificently meaty glutes, before swinging a sharp, pounding knee into Joel’s exposed lower back.
The Englishman’s face twists in pain as a shocked grunt escapes his clenched jaw. His headscissors pop open, and instantly Hayden slides around, hooking Joel’s left leg and planting the Banana Hammock logo printed across his ass on Joel’s gaping face. Folded over, with Hayden sitting on his face, Joel’s shoulders are squarely pinned to the mat as the ref suddenly slaps his hand down. “One!” The Aussie smiles, as the ref pauses, and then slaps his hand down again. “Two!” As the ref lifts his hand and pauses briefly, Joel kicks hard with his free leg, dislodging his opponent just enough to pry his right shoulder off the mat and break the count.
Frustrated, Hayden captures Joel’s free leg, hooking both ankles under his armpits and leaning backward, completely smothering the Englishman’s face up his crack. The ref slaps the mat again. “One!” With a primal grunt, Joel flexes his world class hamstrings and ripped abdominal muscles, irresistibly pulling his opponent forward, off his face, and sending Hayden somersaulting head over heels and sliding under the ropes, halfway onto the ring apron.
Both wrestlers scramble to their feet quickly, but Hayden is half a step quicker. Just as Joel pulls himself off his knees, the Aussie’s right knee connects with a sickening crack across his opponent’s right cheek. Joel is flung back to the mat, clutching his face and groaning. Hayden doesn’t skip a beat, grabbing the Englishman by his right wrist and dragging him dazedly to his feet. Extending the captured arm locked straight, Hayden twists on the wrist, forcing Joel bent forward with a sharp scream of pain. In one, smooth motion, the Aussie steps over his opponent’s shoulder and leans his ass down onto Joel’s shoulder blade. Pulling viciously backward on his fingers, Hayden locks his hairy thighs around Joel’s captured arm and steadily increases the pressure threatening to snap his opponent at both the elbow and wrist. The ref drops to one knee next to Joel’s face and asks if he’s ready to submit. Joel waves him away, not trusting himself to open his mouth to respond verbally.
Hayden cranks on the pump handle for over a minute, drawing out anguished screams of agony but no submission. Finally, stepping back over the tortured arm, the Aussie gives it a violent twist. With his ligaments and tendons on the verge of snapping, Joel flips in mid-air, falling with a wet slap to his sweaty back. A half a second later, Hayden is pinning Joel’s arm to the mat, doing a handstand over top of him before powerfully driving his right knee into Joel’s quivering bicep.
The Aussie climbs off. Joel rolls to his side, defensively clutching his assaulted arm hanging uselessly from his shoulder socket. With the wind at his back, Hayden indulges in a few seconds to catch his breath. Joel hasn’t even begun to pull himself off the mat, though, when the Aussie grabs him by his right wrist again and drags him to his feet mercilessly. An Irish whip sends the English hunk sprinting into and then bouncing off of the ropes. Leaping astonishingly high, Hayden’s flatfooted standing drop kick places the balls of his bare feet bashing brutally into his opponent’s collar bones. Even as Joel’s lower body continues its forward momentum, his upper body is violently flung backward, slamming him hard to his upper back. Sensing the Aussie building up a head of steam, the crowd begins to pulse with excitement, calling for a finisher.
Joel valiantly pries himself off the mat, shaking his head and cradling his injured arm to his side. As he pulls himself up to his hands and knees, Hayden darts behind him, leaping to stand poised on the top turnbuckle like the figurehead at the prow of the ship. Joel is oblivious to his opponent’s whereabouts as he weakly pulls himself up to his feet. As Joel turns slowly around, looking for the danger he can sense from the rising shouts of anticipation from the crowd, Hayden walks across the top rope with perfect balance, leaping high and landing a soaring, barefoot drop kick to Joel’s chin. The Englishman is lifted off his feet and sent flying backward, landing in a heap in a corner.
Hayden indulges in a quick victory lap, pumping his fists over head and soaking in the adoration from the bleachers. Sweat glistens across his world class muscles, underneath the blond hair on his legs and torso. He smiles brightly, coming to a halt directly in front of his opponent, seated dumbly with his lower back propped up against the bottom turnbuckle.
Hayden reaches down and grabs Joel’s face in both hands, pulling him out of the corner and off his ass. Suddenly he freezes. A squeal of pain is ripped from the Aussie’s pursed lips. The crowd hushes as Joel climbs to his feet, the fingers of his left hand wrapped around his opponent’s balls and twisting viciously. Joel flexes his massive, veiny arm muscles, making Hayden rise to the balls of his feet and whimper, tears streaming from his eyes. As the Aussie fights crippling panic, Joel catches his breath, regaining his composure. He windmills his right arm gingerly, working out soreness and reassuring himself that there are no serious injuries.
Joel backs the Aussie all the way across the ring to the opposite corner. Hayden gasps in surprise when his lower back contacts the turnbuckle. Releasing the ball claw, Joel smoothly twists and drops to one knee, grabbing his opponent’s head from across his bulging shoulder and delivering a snap mare, slamming Hayden’s back into the middle of the ring. Hayden starts to roll to one side defensively, but Joel grabs the Aussie’s ankles and climbs to his feet. Hayden begs like a bitch, “No-no-no-no, please,” as his opponent pries his thickly muscled, hairy legs wide apart. Gingerly, at first, Joel places the heel of his right boot on top of his opponent’s balls. “Please, no, please!” Hayden cries, holding the palms of his hands up in supplication. Joel looks up from his opponent, peering into the bleachers, his head tilted slightly to ask the crowd’s opinion. A raucous chorus of screams erupt. The pleas of mercy for the Aussie’s pendulous balls are indistinguishable from the appeals to crush the pretty boy’s testicles. Joel’s eyes return to his opponent’s pleading face beneath him. With a smile, the Englishman’s lifts his boot briefly before stomping his heel down hard.
Joel flings Hayden’s ankles away. The Aussie curls into the fetal position his hands clutching his throbbing crotch. The English beefcake stomps his boot heels into his opponent’s wide, muscled back, into his huge, hairy thighs, into the back of his head. Hayden writhes and spasms in response to each brutal strike. Dropping into a schoolboy position, Joel pins Hayden’s shoulders underneath his knees and jabs hard punches into the Aussie’s tear-streaked face. Sweat glistens across the English stud’s gloriously thick pecs. Hayden’s face grows slack, clearly losing his hold on conscious thought.
Joel straddles his opponent on his hands and knees, looking down at the Aussie’s battered face with pleasure. Crawling backward down his opponent’s supine body, the Englishman hooks his fingers into the top of Hayden’s Banana Hammock and drags the trunks down Hayden’s legs. The Aussie’s lush, thick cock wags side to side and his mammoth balls tense as Joel strips him naked.
The crowd is nearly apoplectic with pleasure and anticipation. Joel climbs to his feet, twirling the yellow trunks over head teasingly before flinging them into the bleachers to inspire a collateral fight among the fans. Another lap around the Aussie’s naked body gives the Englishman the breather he needs to bend forward and drag Hayden’s limp, muscled body off the mat. Squatting low, Joel hoists his naked opponent across his huge shoulders in a torture rack. Pulling on Hayden’s chin with his left hand and clawing his huge balls away from his body with his right hand, Joel shakes and bounces him across his back until the ref confirms the Aussie’s screams of anguished submission.
The bell rings three times signaling the end of the match as the crowd roars their approval. Joel leaves his vanquished opponent draped across his magnificently muscled shoulders as he allows the ref to hoist his right hand upward in victory.
Steve Langton (USA) def Jesse Lumsden (CAN)
Pita Taufatofua (TON) def Chris Mazdzer (USA)
Sven Kramer (NLD) def Denny Morrison (CAN)
Joel Fearon (GBR) def Hayden Smith (AUS)