I bumped into JJ Allen on the Discord server The Wrestle Shack recently. He’s adorable. He insists on calling me “sir,” which gives me an intense urge to spank that bodacious butt of his. I’ve told him that. And, he keeps calling me sir, so…. you do the math. Anyway, I asked JJ what’s his favorite match of his that I should write a review of. Alex and Joe have reviewed several of JJ’s Muscleboy Wrestling matches already, with great things to say about them all, but I haven’t reviewed him here yet. It’s time to remedy that oversight, and JJ tells me that he thinks his hottest match was probably with Jake/Jesse Zane way back in catalog #3 for MBW.
The first thing I need to say is JJ is a hunk. Alex adoringly describes JJ as a “soft-bellied jobber,” and Joe is on record as referring to him in a complimentary fashion as a “sexy doughboy.” I get it, really, I do. JJ’s doesn’t have washboard abs. But holy fuck, I do NOT get a soft or doughy vibe from him. He’s got way more muscle than I think of classic doughboys having. He’s got sweet, strong pecs and arms, which I mention first to make sure and not forget them once I start admiring JJ’s legs. Because, FUCK, his legs!
His thighs, in particular, are fucking thick and juicy. His blue trunks look sewn onto his narrow (I stand by that 100%) waist and magnificently round bubble butt. And I LOVE that JJ knows his legs are dangerous as fuck. He pretty much says that, point blank, to Jake, and it’s not like there’s an argument to made to counter him. I stand up and cheer out loud when JJ’s snaps those monster quads around his lucky/unlucky opponent’s head in standing scissors, absolutely wringing Jake/Jesse out relentlessly. The babyface prettyboy gloats so beautifully, flexing his hot biceps and believably threatening to snap Jesse/Jake’s head right off his neck. And then his crotchpillow headscissors basically swallow Jake’s head whole. JJ has got a solid-as-fuck read on his own assets, as far as I’m concerned, and the yelps and screeches and whimpering submissions from the resident MBW It-Boy demonstrates that, no shit, JJ’s legs are NOT to be fucked with.
I’ve lost track of Mr. Zane’s wrestling-as name, so I’m not entirely sure what to call him. Back in his early career days when I first saw him at BGE, he was Lorenzo Lowe. Then “Jake” appeared in quotes (Lorenzo “Jake” Lowe), and then he seemed to mostly be called Jake. At MBW, his profile is Jesse Zane, and all of his match descriptions name him that, but in the match (and in the URLs), he goes by Jake. We all know who he is, of course, so maybe someone of his stature doesn’t need to worry about branding. He’s that lightweight, shredded, handsome little babyface stunner with mat skills that, 9 times out of 10, will fuck over opponents significantly bigger than he is. He’s cocky. He sneers with contempt a lot. He clearly loves wrestling and is turned on by the heat of his body grinding and sliding and pumping against a sexy opponent like JJ. So, when he gets ROCKED for almost exactly the first 50% of this 32 minute match… woah. JJ rides roughshod over him! I realize JJ’s brand is on the jobber side of the tracks, but, damn. His casual, delighted sell as he destroys Mr. Zane is compelling! JJ scoops him up in a feet-off-the-ground bearhug and looks like he’s literally wringing the sweat from Jake’s pores. And most compelling for me, JJ smiles slyly as he watches. He leans his head back to get a little perspective and soaks in the sight of his opponent’s adorable face twisted in agony. I feel really confident in saying that JJ enjoys being on top and watching what his hot body can do to an overwhelmed opponent. He wrings three honest-as-fuck submissions out of the notorious Mr. Zane, and I’m lapping up every one of them. “I think you know who’s got the better body,” JJ snarls at his writhing, wriggling worm-on-a-hook of an opponent, crushing those massive bodyscissors so hard that Jake is about to pass out.
Those first 16-minutes of the match are a delightful surprise to me. I get a little worried for the pretty boy with gargantuan thighs, though, when he starts counting his opponent out when Jake clearly still has some gas left in the tank. Heel-turn notes for you, JJ: don’t let up. I totally get that you want to savor your victory by shoving your crotch in a beaten tough guy’s face. Seriously, I’ve been there. But don’t count those chickens until a notorious terrier like Jake is flat out on his back and beaten to a senseless, motionless pulp. And even then… poke him a few times to make sure he’s not playing possum. Otherwise, you’ll get what Jake dished out to you, namely, a punch to the balls.
JJ catching is super compelling as well, for (obviously) different reasons. The second 50% of this match, the notorious franchise player grinds our prettyboy down to a raw, throbbing nub. JJ gets folded like origami and twisted like a pretzel. And at every damn turn, Jake delights in spanking his balls. JJ’s cool, cocky facade shatters into a million pieces, and it’s lovely to watch. The smirk on JJ’s pretty face melts into ugly, twisted agony. He whimpers and whines breathlessly, balanced on the edge of a sob. Jake drags him around by his hair, administering equal parts punishment and seductive face sucking. JJ’s stubborn fight evaporates out of him, and he’s begging for mercy early and often. Jake has to tell him to call him “sir” just once, and JJ dutifully says it every time thereafter that he’s pleading for his submission to be heard. The heel makes JJ call beg him by name. And JJ does it, frantically, with a little boy whimper, which is all that’s left of his smirking, pretty boy cockiness he was laying down 20 minutes earlier, when he was slapping his monster thighs proudly and crushing the fuck out of his opponent’s head in those standing scissors.
Jake makes JJ pay for his leg pride in the end, just about twisting the prettyboy’s right leg right out of its hip socket in one of those messed up, sadistic contortionist holds that Jake does better than almost anyone else. And then JJ sees from the other side what a victor can do when he’s squeezed absolutely everything out of an opponent. I don’t think either of them are really hating the victory lap at the end, to be honest. I certainly wasn’t!
I can see why JJ would pick this match out of his catalog as his favorite. It offers an outstanding, long, lush look at his range. He looks sweet enough to eat with a spoon. And those big fucking legs and that gorgeous bubble butt steal the show, both when he’s pitching and catching. Check out JJ’s MBW matches, and if you want to see more, browse his nearly 2 dozen videos on WatchFighters. I’ve seen a recent pic of JJ shirtless, and if anyone thinks they’re going to catch a match with him and face a doughboy, think again! And JJ, if you want me spank that bubble butt of yours, just keep calling me “sir.”
Sidelineland 