What Turned Me Gay (again, not really)


I’m not sure why I’m strolling down memory lane so much lately. Perhaps it’s a desperate attempt to retreat from the current demands of my life. In any case, I had a completely out of the blue epiphany yesterday. Hands down, undeniably, I’m absolutely convinced of it:
Steve Bond turned me gay.

Steve was the flavor of the month right in my most impressionable adolescent years (aren’t they all, really?). I saw him splashed across magazine covers all over the place for a brief moment in time. It was around the time he was on General Hospital. I wasn’t familiar with him from there, though. I knew him as the jaw-dropping adonis showing up everywhere I looked on the newsstand, making me hard as granite and drooling like a Saint Bernard.
Oddly enough, I think the only acting work I ever saw him in was an episode of Matlock. Holy shit, that’s embarrassing to confess. Yes, for a period of time I watched Matlock. No, I’m not old enough to be your grandfather (bite me). But seriously, I have a crystal clear image of the gorgeous coverboy on Matlock, if I’m not mistaken, shirtless. IMDB confirms that this isn’t just a brain fart. He did appear in an episode of Matlock around 1987.
IMDB also tell me that sex-on-a-stick Steve was a Chippendale dancer. Yes. Yes, indeed. And IMDB also gives the fascinating detail that he was born with the name Shlomo Goldberg in Haifa. Sweet God. It’s no wonder this man snatched up my adolescent imagination and made me worship him with mindless abandon. Perhaps the name Shlomo doesn’t do it for you. I realize I may be entirely on my own on this one. But that’s over-the-top, nipple licking, cock massaging, (his) knees across my shoulders, homoerotic to me.
I owe my firstborn (okay, I think I’ve given that one away multiple times… let’s say my fifth born) to the Shrine to the Soap Hunks for cataloging precisely the images that I remember capturing me by the cock as a teenager. Just browsing through these pics makes me feel 14 years old again, discovering that I am immediately weak in the knees and hard in several other places at the sight of a gorgeous, muscled hardbody.
Despite the fact that I totally knew I was gay long before I caught pin-up boy Steve’s stunning, provocatively posed body, I’ll stick to my guns on this one. If there was any chance that I was going to grow out of my Muscle & Fitness collecting, erotic obsession with muscled hunks and instead turn out straight, Steve Bond put a stop to that singlehandedly. Yes, indeed. Steve Bond turned me gay (thanks, Shlomo).

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