Crazy busy in my life for another two weeks, but I have to take note today of the pics of the Republican Congressman from Illinois who is featured bare-chested (and what a chest!) on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine. Aaron Shock has been selected as America’s fittest Congressman. Those of us who keep track of such things will also remember the homophobic response Representative Shock had to being teased for wearing a belt in a magazine pic that “made him look gay.” He jokes these days that he burned that belt. He also reminded everyone how very not-gay he is by criticizing the President’s decision to stop judicial defense of the so-called “Defense of Marriage Act.”
Uh-huh. You can’t see my eyes rolling right now. Notice the look of petulant irritation on his face in both of these Men’s Health pics, as if he knows full well that these male fitness mags are awfully popular as pre-porn with all the gay boys (at least, that’s why I scarfed them up with such enthusiasm as a teenager). It’s as if he’s pumped up and displaying his rippled abs and massive pecs against his will, stepping into so many gay boy’s sexual fantasies entirely involuntarily. My incredulity about a straight politician with a zero-bodyfat personal trainer body is about equal to my arousal in admiring those meaty round pecs of his. When he gives us the dramatic big reveal in a few years, acknowledging that he’s harbored the love that must not be named all along, I won’t bear a grudge (at least not one that can’t be settled in the ring).
Aaron… oh, Aaron. Like a good little cub doing daddy’s bidding, Aaron manages to twist his rocking abs and infinitely clawable pecs into an object lesson in the virtues of conservative politics, advocating for “personal responsibility and planning ahead” (read: the poor, the sick, the unemployed deserve to suffer without the aid of social welfare). It’s the same classist claptrap that we’ve heard for decades (centuries, really), just wrapped up in a much, much, much more attractive package deliberately designed to distract us from the content of his message. This all brings to mind a joint effort that I worked on with Bearhugs this winter, when we wrote a fictional wrestling encounter entitled “Threesome” over in Sidelineland. Threesome stars Adam, a fictional character who is a conservative operative, a staff member of a social conservative congressman in DC who’s a closet case with a gorgeous body and devastating good looks. By day, he winks at the housewives and makes political conservatism seem sexy. By night, he cruises the gay clubs looking for some muscle bottoms to pass the time. Adam gets himself in a little deeper than he expects, one night, as a threesome takes him home for rougher fun than he counted on.
Wouldn’t it be a “shock” to discover that a young, hot, ripped coverboy conservative congressman gets caught up in the same wrestling and bondage fetish trap? No, I agree with you. It wouldn’t be a shock at all.