Knowing that democracy can be addictive, I realize that some of you may be disappointed that I’m unilaterally selecting my favorite homoerotic wrestler of the month this month. 116 readers registered their votes for last month’s homoerotic wrestler of the month in the first ever reader’s choice wrestler of the month here at neverland. To feed the democratic spirit and give you an opportunity have your voice heard, I’ll post a new poll for a reader’s choice award next week.
In the mean time, I’m returning to the one true through-line that connects all of the dots here at neverland: that which turns me on. November saw a healthy, if not bumper crop of homoerotic wrestling new releases. Muscle hunk Jake Jenkins delightfully introduced “rookie” Eli Black to the high-impact, high-definition world of Rock Hard Wrestling. Expertly sadistic Jobe Zander introduced Jersey Shore rookie Derek Fox to every ball bashing maneuver conceivable in Can-Am’s Decrotchery 2. Thunder’s Arena’s Eric Fury makes bubble-butted Uno hurt so good in bed with him in No Holds Barred 16. I’m also joining the chorus of Thunder’s fans almost giddy with lust over gigantic, gorgeous, muscle-butted rookie Boxxy, and in particular, I’m jonesin’ off of what he and bearded thighmaster, Rex do to me in Battle of the Scissors. BG East delivered an unexpected 0.2 iteration of catalog 89 in November, with fantastic performances from smoldering rookie Rafael Valmor and Blaine Janus in Undagear 18, as well as mind-blowing crushing from my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler, non-pornboy division, Lon Dumont, delivering an unquestionably “badder” expert Rookie Wrecking against handsome, hairy hunk Morgan Cruise.
This is a hot, hot field of worthy contenders for the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month! Several of these sexy athletes have already proven themselves by claiming titles among my favorites in the past, and even more inspiring, the field is astonishingly strong in seriously impressive debuts of extremely entertaining rookies who are instantly on my radar to keep my eye out for. But there can be only one homoerotic wrestler of the month (ignoring last March), and truth be told, there’s one wrestler in this impressive field who just can’t help himself but command my attention and recur repeatedly in my wrestling fantasies. Step aside, Aryx Quinn, because the new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month is…
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Both reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month and title holder
as my favorite homoerotic wrestler – non-pornboy division: Lon Dumont. |
Lon was the original holder of the title as my
favorite homoerotic wrestler (non-pornboy), and he’s had a crushing, unflinching hold on that title as impressively as he squeezes every ounce of breath and will-power out of rookie
Morgan Cruise. His appearance in
Rookie Wreckers nearly made me miss a day of work. I somehow restrained myself from calling in sick when the match arrived, but I’ve blown a whole lot of time and a whole lot of body fluids on Lon’s detailed instructional one-on-one workshop on heel-wannabe Morgan.
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| Lon employs every one of his stunning muscles to wreck the rookie. |
Regular readers know that I was instantly and overwhelmingly moved by Lon from
the very first glimpse of him forcing big, sexy
Eddy Rey to flex in
Fantasymen 32. In Rookie Wreckers, he’s back, now with a full head of hair and possessing even more astonishing fitness and muscle definition than we’ve ever seen from him before (and that’s saying a whole lot!). He’s absolutely sculpted. He’s ripped to shreds. His already competition-worthy abs are cut even deeper, and his legs are bigger. And despite my ambivalence about Lon’s report that he was growing his hair back, a full head of hair looks just fine on this superhuman specimen.
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| Professor Dumont is a hands-on type of instructor. |
I’m prepared to climb into the ring and crush anyone who thinks he deserves to be president of the Lon Dumont fan club more than me. And it’s not just because of Lon’s smokin’ hot, award winning physique. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: it’s
wrestling that turns me on, and Lon’s wrestling is perfectly tuned to my tastes. Lon does to Morgan precisely what keeps me coming back for more from my homoerotic wrestling suppliers. He climbs into the ring supremely confident, even in the face of his bigger, furrier opponent. He lays out the story in simple detail: Morgan has arrived on the doorstep of
BG East to be the next great heel, and
The Boss has pulled in a favor to have Lon put the youngster through his paces to see what he’s got to back up his bravado. Lon always gives credit where credit is due, unreservedly appreciating Morgan’s big, hairy pecs that he is so, so proud to bounce in Lon’s face. And then Lon unleashes a crippling assault like a barrage of cruise missiles tearing the rookie apart joint by joint and limb by limb.
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| Morgan is a captive audience to Lon’s didactic delivery. |
Lon is a patient teacher. There’s something incredibly hot about the calm, cool explanations that he gives to his pupil with each application of devastating humiliation, illustrating the marriage of art and science that is being an accomplished heel. Morgan is writhing in agony, clearly uncertain as to which end is up or where in the hell he is in the world from the expertly delivered barrage of punishment, while Lon is dispassionately delivering his “pointers” like he’s laying out a scientific proof. Lon’s cool, however, cracks just a bit. When he traps the big rookie helpless in the ropes, Lon generously gives the barely conscious rookie a front row seat to Lon’s mandatory bodybuilding poses (damn, I’d sell my firstborn to TicketMaster for that…). The point, Lon explains, is that Morgan’s rookie beef is laughable compared to the exquisitely crafted beauty and power of Lon’s competition-ready muscles. So if anyone is going to flex, if anyone has something to strut and crow about, it’s not some fresh-faced, green ROOKIE with VISIONS of SGT. SLAUGHTER!!! It’s the proven talent, the weathered granite, the proportions and the skills of an indy wrestler with years under his belt and more tricks up his proverbial sleeve than Morgan has had birthdays.
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| Morgan squeezes some juices out of his bodybuilder tormentor. |
The rookie eventually gets lucky and makes Lon suffer in a sensationally sexy series of bearhugs. Like the proven pro he is, Lon sells the taking of abuse every bit as beautifully as he dishes it out. But it’s Lon climbing back on top, flexing and squeezing, crushing and pounding, and pouring out wit and wisdom as unnecessary evidence that he’s
smarter than your average bear, that supercharges my already deep reservoir of Lon Dumont fanaticism.
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| Lon glistens while Morgan withers. |
There’s not an inch of this man’s body that doesn’t make me dizzy (including his perfectly packed trunks). There’s not a second of his tutorial on bewildered Morgan that doesn’t hold me riveted in my seat and sweating bullets. Lon Dumont makes me gasp. He makes me laugh. And more than any other of the very worthy nominees, he is without a doubt my homoerotic wrestler of the month.
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| The undisputed title holder. |
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