I don’t have much connection to the military. My grandfather was in the occupation forces in Japan following WWII, but other than that, I don’t think I actually know anyone with first-hand experience in the military (which is sort of amazing, really). Other than learning a lot of dumb ass racial stereotypes that I’ve had to deprogram from after listening to my grandfather’s non-combat exploits in Japan, everything I really know about the military comes from homoerotic wrestling.
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| Army vet and Guy Pearce look-alike Steve Sherman |
For example, BG East’s Paradise 4 taught me that army boys look like way beefed up versions of Guy Pearce, with the roundest, hottest, muscled bubble butts in the world.
This I learned from Steve Sherman flexing and pumping his hips and letting his “manager-for-the-night” (hey, I still want that job!), coat him in baby oil everywhere.
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| Champion of the marines, muscleman Wade Cutler |
Paradise 4 also taught me that marines are, arguably, a fraction hotter than Guy Pearce look-alike army boys, with gargantuan pecs and shoulders, though perhaps not quite as juice an ass. Wade Cutler’s buzz cut, square jaw and insanely sexy strut-n-smirk made me entirely rethink my preconceptions about marines.
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| Army lifts Marines and takes a long gander at that ass. |
Paradise 4 further taught me that there are inter-branch rivalries between branches of the American armed forces that must be tested and tried in the only reasonable fashion: a thong-bikini oil wrestling match in front of a live audience at a gay club.
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| Army mounts and controls the muscle Marine. |
I learned that although marine boys may look more intimidating, deliriously fuckable Guy Pearce look-alike army boys can frequently neutralize Wade Cutler’s massive muscles and put the gorgeous marine on his back…
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| Army in total control, publicly humiliating Marine muscles. |
… and on his front, allowing Steve to humiliate the musclebound marine in front of an audience of delighted fans.
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| Army v Marines? Army bumps, grinds and physically dominates! |
Finally, Paradise 4 taught me that given 3 rounds of loosely refereed, excessively lubricated mat wrestling between an army boy and a musclebound marine, Steve Sherman will completely make Wade Cutler his bitch! I would never have guessed it, but I’ve seen it for myself… many times over… such that my old VHS tape is getting worn out and threatening to break. There’s a strip-ring rematch between these two on
Hard Pros 3 that I haven’t seen, but the photos look like mouthwatering Wade Cutler’s attempt to redeem the Marines goes down in yet another humiliating, sleepered-out cold blaze of bare naked glory.
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| Proud Army vet Aryx Quinn |
Many years later, former
homoerotic wrestler of the month and
interviewee here at neverland accepted the torch from fellow army vet Steve Sherman and showed up to test the fraternal rivalry once more against marine
Marco Guerra in
Military Muscle. Aryx demonstrates that despite my earlier over-generalization, all army boys do not look like beefed up versions of Guy Pearce. Some of them look like a much sexier and less religio-nutball version of Stephen Baldwin. “Let me explain something to you, slowly, because you’re a marine,” Aryx explained to his muscled opponent. “At BG East, the army runs the show!”
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| “At BG East, the army runs the show!” |
Honestly, Marco represents for the marines more competitively than Wade did. Aryx has got a tiger by the tail as the two demonstrate what clearly is a rule: Army v Marines battles must involve strip wrestling. The action is nastier than Steve Sherman’s 2-time beating up of Marine muscleman Wade, but again, it appears that a foundational truth is that when nuts and bare-asses are on the line, Army makes the Marines their bitches.
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| Boot Camp Drill Sergeant Travis teaches new recruit Tommy Cruze how it’s done. |
Can-Am’s
Boot Camp introduced me to exactly the tactics and techniques required to turn a blond, blue-eyed boy fresh off the farm into a lean, mean fighting machine for the red-white-and-blue. Drill Sergeant T begins by teaching young Tommy Cruze military hand-to-hand combat.
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| Military training covers all possible contingencies, including naked combat. |
When your drill sergeant looks like Travis and your recruit like Tommy Cruze, perhaps it should come as no surprise that the extremely thorough fight education our soldiers undergo includes how to handle yourself when forcibly ripped and stripped out of your fatigues. Again, obviously 1:1 military combat always gets naked.
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| Outranked. |
I also learned why they call them “Drill Sargeants.”
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| Recruit Brodie handles recruit Derek Cruz in Military Locker Room |
Can-Am’s Military Locker Room reinforced a few of the lessons I already learned. For example, military training always involves rip ‘n’ strip wrestling between hardbodied hunks.
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| Brodie and Derek stay combat-ready. |
Military Locker Room also taught me that the necessary finale to a hot and steamy soldierboy beatdown is a side-by-side jack-off session in the showers.
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| BG East’s Corporal John Daniels |
BG East’s Corporal John Daniels’ Hunkbash 8 appearance taught me how soldier boys fare when faced with civilian thugs like notorious BG East heel, Dave Christian. Apparently, when it’s not a military v military battle, the trunks stay on (damn it).
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| The people reject martial law. |
And I was shocked to discover that when faced with overwhelming firepower, Corporal John crumbles like blue cheese, transforming from a commandingly barking superior into a writhing, wallowing, physically and psychologically crushed mass of gorgeous meat. To summarize, when it’s army v marines, army wins. When it’s army v army, rank wins. When it’s military v civilian heel, civilian heel beats the living shit of the soldierboy.
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| John Magnum brings superior firepower pointed directly at civilian Philip Aubrey |
But wait. Then there’s the counter-evidence
offered by Naked Kombat, pitting 6-years of military hand-to-hand combat training of aptly named John Magnum against astonishingly lean, granola munching competitive yoga pornboy Philip Aubrey. Perhaps Magnum just outranked Corporal John Daniels, but whatever the reason, this is definitely not a hunkbash romp of crumbling military might.
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| John Magnum aims his artillery toward enemy lines. |
It’s also not a runaway victory for marital law, either, as Magnum and Aubrey are surprisingly evenly matched throughout their NK mat match. Magnum’s far superior fire power, however, may be the edge that Corporal Daniels just didn’t have in his civilian humiliation, because Magnum narrowly tames the hippy pornboy in the end.
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| Taming the civilian loser in the end. |
And, it turns out, when the soldierboy comes out victorious over the civilian, all of that pent up boot camp hazing and humiliation comes pouring out all over the hippy loser. Further lesson for me, when a soldier capitalizes on his military combat training to edge out a civilian pornboy, there will be a cock-tucked pony ride and lingering, groaning oral and anal.
I am one of the last people you’ll see draping myself in an American flag. I spend more time shaking my head at the squandering of our beautiful combat-trained hotties in blatantly unnecessary deployments around the world than I do pledging allegiance to the flag. But even I will admit that there is a necessary and proper role of a well-maintained military in establishing peace and security. For those who’ve done just that, I offer my respect this Memorial Day. And for those who’ve turned that military conditioning and training into over the top homoerotic wrestling art, I offer my enthusiastic and wholehearted gratitude.
Sidelineland 