Happy Memorial Day

I don’t have much connection to the military.  My grandfather was in the occupation forces in Japan following WWII, but other than that, I don’t think I actually know anyone with first-hand experience in the military (which is sort of amazing, really).  Other than learning a lot of dumb ass racial stereotypes that I’ve had to deprogram from after listening to my grandfather’s non-combat exploits in Japan, everything I really know about the military comes from homoerotic wrestling.

Army vet and Guy Pearce look-alike Steve Sherman

For example, BG East’s Paradise 4 taught me that army boys look like way beefed up versions of Guy Pearce, with the roundest, hottest, muscled bubble butts in the world.

This I learned from Steve Sherman flexing and pumping his hips and letting his “manager-for-the-night” (hey, I still want that job!), coat him in baby oil everywhere.

Champion of the marines, muscleman Wade Cutler

Paradise 4 also taught me that marines are, arguably, a fraction hotter than Guy Pearce look-alike army boys, with gargantuan pecs and shoulders, though perhaps not quite as juice an ass.  Wade Cutler’s buzz cut, square jaw and insanely sexy strut-n-smirk made me entirely rethink my preconceptions about marines.

Army lifts Marines and takes a long gander at that ass.

Paradise 4 further taught me that there are inter-branch rivalries between branches of the American armed forces that must be tested and tried in the only reasonable fashion: a thong-bikini oil wrestling match in front of a live audience at a gay club.

Army mounts and controls the muscle Marine.
I learned that although marine boys may look more intimidating, deliriously fuckable Guy Pearce look-alike army boys can frequently neutralize Wade Cutler’s massive muscles and put the gorgeous marine on his back…

Army in total control, publicly humiliating Marine muscles.

… and on his front, allowing Steve to humiliate the musclebound marine in front of an audience of delighted fans.

Army v Marines?  Army bumps, grinds and physically dominates!
Finally, Paradise 4 taught me that given 3 rounds of loosely refereed, excessively lubricated mat wrestling between an army boy and a musclebound marine, Steve Sherman will completely make Wade Cutler his bitch!  I would never have guessed it, but I’ve seen it for myself… many times over… such that my old VHS tape is getting worn out and threatening to break.  There’s a strip-ring rematch between these two on Hard Pros 3 that I haven’t seen, but the photos look like mouthwatering Wade Cutler’s attempt to redeem the Marines goes down in yet another humiliating, sleepered-out cold blaze of bare naked glory.
Proud Army vet Aryx Quinn
Many years later, former homoerotic wrestler of the month and interviewee here at neverland accepted the torch from fellow army vet Steve Sherman and showed up to test the fraternal rivalry once more against marine Marco Guerra in Military Muscle.  Aryx demonstrates that despite my earlier over-generalization, all army boys do not look like beefed up versions of Guy Pearce.  Some of them look like a much sexier and less religio-nutball version of Stephen Baldwin.  “Let me explain something to you, slowly, because you’re a marine,” Aryx explained to his muscled opponent.  “At BG East, the army runs the show!”
“At BG East, the army runs the show!” 
Honestly, Marco represents for the marines more competitively than Wade did.  Aryx has got a tiger by the tail as the two demonstrate what clearly is a rule: Army v Marines battles must involve strip wrestling.  The action is nastier than Steve Sherman’s 2-time beating up of Marine muscleman Wade, but again, it appears that a foundational truth is that when nuts and bare-asses are on the line, Army makes the Marines their bitches.
Boot Camp Drill Sergeant Travis teaches new recruit Tommy Cruze how it’s done.
Can-Am’s Boot Camp introduced me to exactly the tactics and techniques required to turn a blond, blue-eyed boy fresh off the farm into a lean, mean fighting machine for the red-white-and-blue.  Drill Sergeant T begins by teaching young Tommy Cruze military hand-to-hand combat. 
Military training covers all possible contingencies, including naked combat.
When your drill sergeant looks like Travis and your recruit like Tommy Cruze, perhaps it should come as no surprise that the extremely thorough fight education our soldiers undergo includes how to handle yourself when forcibly ripped and stripped out of your fatigues.  Again, obviously 1:1 military combat always gets naked.
Outranked.
I also learned why they call them “Drill Sargeants.”
Recruit Brodie handles recruit Derek Cruz in Military Locker Room

Can-Am’s Military Locker Room reinforced a few of the lessons I already learned.  For example, military training always involves rip ‘n’ strip wrestling between hardbodied hunks.

Brodie and Derek stay combat-ready.

Military Locker Room also taught me that the necessary finale to a hot and steamy soldierboy beatdown is a side-by-side jack-off session in the showers.

BG East’s Corporal John Daniels

BG East’s Corporal John Daniels’ Hunkbash 8 appearance taught me how soldier boys fare when faced with civilian thugs like notorious BG East heel, Dave Christian.  Apparently, when it’s not a military v military battle, the trunks stay on (damn it).

The people reject martial law.
And I was shocked to discover that when faced with overwhelming firepower, Corporal John crumbles like blue cheese, transforming from a commandingly barking superior into a writhing, wallowing, physically and psychologically crushed mass of gorgeous meat.  To summarize, when it’s army v marines, army wins.  When it’s army v army, rank wins.  When it’s military v civilian heel, civilian heel beats the living shit of the soldierboy.
John Magnum brings superior firepower pointed directly at civilian Philip Aubrey
But wait.  Then there’s the counter-evidence offered by Naked Kombat, pitting 6-years of military hand-to-hand combat training of aptly named John Magnum against astonishingly lean, granola munching competitive yoga pornboy Philip Aubrey.  Perhaps Magnum just outranked Corporal John Daniels, but whatever the reason, this is definitely not a hunkbash romp of crumbling military might.
John Magnum aims his artillery toward enemy lines.
It’s also not a runaway victory for marital law, either, as Magnum and Aubrey are surprisingly evenly matched throughout their NK mat match.  Magnum’s far superior fire power, however, may be the edge that Corporal Daniels just didn’t have in his civilian humiliation, because Magnum narrowly tames the hippy pornboy in the end.
Taming the civilian loser in the end.
And, it turns out, when the soldierboy comes out victorious over the civilian, all of that pent up boot camp hazing and humiliation comes pouring out all over the hippy loser.  Further lesson for me, when a soldier capitalizes on his military combat training to edge out a civilian pornboy, there will be a cock-tucked pony ride and lingering, groaning oral and anal.

I am one of the last people you’ll see draping myself in an American flag.  I spend more time shaking my head at the squandering of our beautiful combat-trained hotties in blatantly unnecessary deployments around the world than I do pledging allegiance to the flag.  But even I will admit that there is a necessary and proper role of a well-maintained military in establishing peace and security.  For those who’ve done just that, I offer my respect this Memorial Day.  And for those who’ve turned that military conditioning and training into over the top homoerotic wrestling art, I offer my enthusiastic and wholehearted gratitude.

Thunderstruck

Co-Homoerotic Wrestlers of the Month: Cage Thunder & Lightning Rod

Typically, I enjoy writing a retrospective of the wrestling career of my current homoerotic wrestler of the month during his reign.  Despite having, for only the second time, co-owners of the title this month, it’s a little tough saying more about either Cage Thunder or Lightning Rod that hasn’t already been said exceedingly well already. In the case of masked sexy man Lightning Rod, he’s appeared only once, so a career retrospective would be pretty much what I’ve already written about him. I’ve lobbied the boys at BG East to get me in touch with LR to do an interview and explore more behind the mask of the curiously expert sex wrestler, but we’ll have to see what comes of that.

Wrestler, writer, philosopher: Cage Thunder is the total package.

With Cage Thunder, however, the challenge is just the opposite. Choosing a homoerotic wrestler of the month who is also an acclaimed and published author who keeps his own deeply self-reflective homoerotic wrestling blog leaves so many questions long ago answered. If Thunderdome isn’t already on your regular reading list, it should be. You’ll enjoy reading more about what goes on in the ring, on the mat, and inside the mind of Cage Thunder than I could ever manage to catalog here.

Wade Cutler: 5’6″, 165 lbs., a perfect choice to be destroyed by Cage Thunder in the ring!

Case in point, in response to my interview with him earlier this month, Cage Thunder posted a series of blog posts at Thunderdome answering some of my questions in artistic detail and greater depth than we discussed in the moment of the interview. He posted a 3-part series on BG East wrestlers he hasn’t faced yet, who he’d like to put at the front of the line for getting his hands on (and legs around!).  Some of his picks, and his explanations of what he’d do to them, leave nothing left to be said.  Classic, bubble-butted muscleboy Wade Cutler vs. Cage Thunder… there are just no further words necessary or relevant!

Dante Rosetti: 5’11”, 210 lbs., chisel-chinned, muscle beast!

The same goes for another classic muscleboy that Cage Thunder mentioned, Dante Rosetti. Personally, I think Cage Thunder is never sexier than when he’s testing the limits and then ultimately beating into whimpering submission gorgeous, powerful muscleboys like Wade and Dante!

Tony Cosenti: 5’9″, 180 lbs., looks that could kill, but since they can’t, he’d be Cage Thunder’s plaything before long!
He also named “sexy god Tony Consenti” on his list of dream matches.  Holy fuck! Tony vs. Cage Thunder in the Wrestle Shack. Cage Thunder sitting on Tony’s beautiful babyface, stripping him of his trunks, licking Tony’s pits, force-feeding him his cock…. Exquisite!
Beau Nasty & Shane Styles: Come on, Cage! Own both these badboys at once!
He listed a total of 21 fantasy matches with current and former BG East wrestlers he’d enjoy facing.  Each one is a feast for the homoerotic wrestling imagination. Of Cage Thunder’s most authoritative list, in addition to Wade, Dante, and Tony, I’d also pull out my wallet and unzip my pants to see him in the ring against the Nasty One, Beau Nasty. Beau made Cage Thunder’s list for his “nasty attitude, beautifully proportioned lean, muscular body, a smoking hot ass,” and his “evil sneer.” I’d also add that Beau could pack the front of his trunks with the bet of them. However, here’s where I’d expand on the potently hot pick that Cage Thunder made on his blog.  Sure, Beau would exact some sublime suffering, but I it’s inconceivable to me that Cage Thunder would fail to end up with one hand wrapped around the base of Beau’s cock and balls and the other squeezing Beau’s luscious ass. Now, that works for me, don’t get me wrong! But throw in Beau’s frequent tag team partner, Shane Styles, for a 2-on-1 ring romp, doing his best to defend his buddy’s vulnerable junk, and then we’d have likely one of my top 5 favorite matches of all time. I suspect Cage Thunder wouldn’t mind too much the extra effort of taming both boys at the same time!

The Enforcer: 5’11”, 210 lbs., chisel-chinned, muscle beast!

The Thunder in the “Thunder and Lightning” reigning champs asked for comments naming which wrestler fans would put at the very top of the list of fantasy matches for him. You know me. I’ve always got an opinion. It only took me about 30 seconds to decide, but I really can’t imagine who else I’d rather see in an all out brutal battle of masked muscle destruction than a heel vs. heel ring match in the BG East ring room against undefeated god of the underworld, the Enforcer. Just the idea of a battle of brutal muscle bashing between these two makes me weak in the knees.  Either Enforcer would finally crush and tame Cage Thunder, or my co-owner of the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month would tame the silent beast and, if my fantasies were to come true, unmask the granite chinned hunk, rip his trunks off of him, and turn the Enforcer into a quivering mass of sweat and cum trapped in the corner. I’d be pulling for the latter scenario!

Mitch Colby punishing Cage Thunder!? Oh, if only this were more than “just” art!

All this said, of course, skips the obvious. Whatever genius devised a photoshoot of pro wrestling holds between Cage Thunder and Mitch Colby but failed to book an actual match between them produced an epic fail of mind boggling proportions. The heat generated just by my mentioning lovely Mitch to Cage Thunder is enough to prove that this match is absolute gold just waiting to be unearthed!

Playing God

I’ve been thinking about friends and family on the East Coast and hoping that everyone is surviving the aftermath of Hurricane Irene. AH emailed me this morning from his smart phone to let me know that he’s been without power for 24 hours and amusing himself with the mental game of assembling his ideal wrestler’s body from the component parts of many different wrestlers. In honor of AH and everyone mopping up from that messy bitch, Irene, I decided to quickly put together a post playing AH’s game of ordering up my ideal wrestler’s body a la carte.

Turns out, this is one tough game to play! I set out for myself the task of choosing no more than one body part from any one wrestler. Then I went to scouring my mental and literal library of homoerotic wrestling favorites to decide who to deconstruct in order to reconstruct into the assemblage of an over the top, made to order homoerotic wrestling god. I spun my wheels for quite a while getting a start on this project. There are so many wrestlers who I think of as possessing physical perfection, but many of them don’t necessarily possess the perfect singular body part divorced from the rest. But body part by body part, this is what I came up with:

For some reason, it worked for me to start from the bottom and work my way up my mad scientist construction of the ideal wrestling body. My Frankenstein’s monster of physical wrestling perfection has Troy Baker’s legs. Troy was in the running for nearly every body part, frankly, but it was Troy’s own love his legs that made me single them out for this recipe.  Thick and hard without a whisper of body fat, Troy’s legs were simply perfection, as far as I’m concerned. When he had Nick Archer’s noggin’ trapped between his crushing thighs, Troy looked like he was just about to cum with delight in the overpowering beauty of his dominating power. Though Troy did not literally cum in that moment, I’m certain that I’m not alone when I say that I certainly did, and have repeatedly, in worshipful lust for Troy’s unbelievable legs.

Hanging between my assembled wrestling’s god’s ripped thighs is Brian Maxon’s cock and balls. Between you and me, Brian Maxon’s wrestling usually left me a little uninspired. His cock, however, once unsheathed and getting worshipped by the loser he conquered on the mats, was pretty nearly my impression of phallic perfection. There are most certainly longer wrestling cocks, and a few thicker, but Brian’s cock was a perfectly proportioned monster that demanded to be be worshipped.

Spin my cut-n-paste wrestling god around and you’ll get a sight of the most gorgeous homoerotic wrestling glutes on the planet, which actually belong and fit so beautifully on the body of  Kid Karisma. Quite literally, I’ve put in a pitch for a wrestler spotlight DVD that stars Kid K’s ass, specifically. Somewhere (I can’t put my finger on the text at the moment… I think Joe wrote it), I saw Kid K described as a Tom of Finland drawing come to life. It’s the ass that makes that statement 110% true (see recent posts regarding my mathematical shortcomings).

Allowing our eyes to wander upward from Kid K’s perfect ass, we would find on my assembly of a made-to-order wrestling god the back of Brett Mycles. A thickly muscled back is a thing of wonder. I’ve seen some inspiring pec frottage, but I’m still looking for a scene of a wrestler working out an ecstatic explosion in the deep cravasse between the mountainous bulges of a muscled back like Brett’s. The aesthetics of a narrow, corded lower back beneath an astonishingly wide and contoured lat spread capped off by thick delt and trap muscles is just about the most beautiful thing in the world, I think.

Again, let’s spin my wrestling creation around now to take a look at the front, where he’s sporting Rafe Sanchez’ abdominal muscles. I’ve ranted a bit before (perhaps unfairly) about comments in a discussion group that referred disparagingly to Rafe’s body as “not the best.” I couldn’t disagree more, not in total, and most certainly not when it comes to the marble sculpture that are his abdominals and obliques. Add a cup of water and a squirt of detergent and I swear to you it would require not more than three passes to get your laundry clean on that washboard! The separation between each scale of that armor is superhuman. I’d want no one else’s ripped to shreds core on my wrestling god assemblage.

As our eyes wander upward from Rafe’s rocking abs, we’ll see the luscious pecs of Darius. Choosing whose pecs to add to my homoerotic wrestling god was perhaps the most difficult selection of all. If I hadn’t already cannibalized Troy Baker’s legs, his pecs very well could’ve beat out Darius’. As it is though, it’s Darius’ monster pecs that made the shortlist. Hot. Damn.

Shoulders were another tough call for me, but I decided that my homoerotic wrestling god of my own creation will have Wade Cutler’s delts. The mountainous, angular boulders that were Wade’s shoulders always completely captivated me, and they still do today as I treasure the moments where Wade shows up in my library of homoerotic wrestling. Massive, wide, veiny shoulders are intensely erotic, not to mention damn useful in a fierce wrestling contest. My wrestling god compilation sports the best shoulders I could think of.

Again, arms were difficult to select, owing to the deep field of worthy applicants. I’m giving a nod to rookie beauty, Thiago Diaz, however, because his arms are stunning.  With arms it’s certainly not all about size. Shape, proportion, balance and definition speak to me more when it comes to arms than blunt size. Thiago’s bulging biceps and massively thick forearms are entirely worthy additions to the wrestling god of my creation.

Finally, capping off the physical perfection of my wrestling god creation is the devastatingly handsome face of Brad Rochelle. Brad was in a barnburner of a race against exactly one other gorgeously handsome homoerotic wrestling hunk to lend his face to my creation. It was the cleft chin that just 5 seconds ago made me select Brad’s perfect visage.

Of course, this ideal homoerotic wrestling body I’ve just created requires some extensive smoothing and adjusting to match up size, complexion, and proportion. And I’m already thinking that, while this fits my “Muscle Worshipper” type that I scored highest on in yesterday’s quiz from Manof1000Holds, an equally perfect body would be made of entirely different parts to construct my idea of perfection when it comes to a pretty boy (okay, some of the same parts would certainly apply), or a bad boy.

Excellent exercise, AH! I hope you’re managing to keep yourself entertained as you wait for the power to come back on. So whose parts would comprise your ideal homoerotic wrestler?

Bard’s Pilgrim Way

Club Paradise – Cambridge, MA

Where I come from, gay clubs tend to come and go like the tide. They may stay in the same location but change names and genres. They may keep the same name but move around the neighborhood. I don’t know if Boston is like that, so I can’t really say if the gay club Paradise in Cambridge may be the same venue where BG East shot their Paradise oil wrestling series. But while I’m working in the area, as one stop on my BGE pilgrimage, I took a stroll down Mass Ave and snapped these shots of Paradise today.

Like I said, I don’t know if this is the venue where BGE’s Paradise series was shot, but I get a little aroused just thinking about. The first Paradise tape was released back in 1989. All four tapes in the Paradise collection feature ripped, beautiful BGE boys getting oiled up and cheered on by a raging crowd of horny gay men as the studs grapple and slide all over each other on the dance floor.

Terry Reed brutalizes Dave Lowe – BG East’s Paradise 2
Regular readers already know what I have to say about much of this: 1) Homoerotic wrestling in front of a live audience is an obsession of mine lately. When the crowd gets into the action, it ups the eroticism for me many times over. The 2 Paradise tapes I own show the eager audience quickly picking their favorites and egging on the soaked studs tossing one another around for their pleasure. When they bark out, almost plaintively, what they want their champion to do to his opponent, it’s like an invisible hand stroking me to watch the wrestlers respond, taking their cues and doing their best to deliver what their worshippers cry out for.
Max Dare gets prepped for battle – BG East’s Paradise 1
And, of course, there’s the oil. Lubricated wrestling is as inherently erotic as it is iconic. For the Paradise matches, one lucky bastard from the audience got to oil down each wrestler and serve as that wrestler’s corner man for his match. Their duties seemed to be primarily focused on the liberal, lingering application of baby oil, shouting encouragement, and rubbing down their shoulders between rounds. This is a job I was made for.
Oil wrestling at Paradise cannot help itself but be a bit gimmicky at times. The setting and circumstances are more performance art than competitive or classic pro. But there are a few Paradise moments that I find extremely provocative and some of my favorite snapshots of homoerotic wrestling. Rev Sutton’s delivery in Paradise 3 against upstanding, clean cut Dave Lowe is truly inspired. Rev embodies a fully fleshed out heel character in an instant. He’s a cocky narcissist. He smirks and rolls his eyes at his opponent for daring to face him. He seems to seriously be ready to get off on dominating bright-eyed Davey. He even throws ice at him contemptuously between rounds, talking shit to his cornerman about what he’s going to do to the chump across from him. Most Paradise matches don’t take this much of a detour into classic pro storytelling, and for that, I absolutely love Rev Sutton in Paradise 3.

Miguel gets revenge on bully Sean – BG East’s Paradise 3

On a completely different end of the spectrum, Miguel Santos’ match against Sean Parker is a charmer. The set-up is that Sean was Miguel’s bully in school, but my, oh my, look at Miguel all grown up now! Both boys are cute as buttons and truly wonderful to watch squeeze and scramble in the oil. The morality tale of bully-gets-his, as cliche as it is, somehow sucks me in, and I find myself wanting to see stunningly gorgeous and now-bigger Miguel get a little revenge. An unexpected bonus in this match is the fact that Miguel has a series of wardrobe malfunctions, and they never quite manage to find the thong that can contain his big, beautiful balls.

Steve Sherman tangles with Wade Cutler – BG East’s Paradise 4

Iconic classic homoerotic wrestler Wade Cutler shows up in both Paradise 3 & 4. In 4, he faces off with Steve Sherman in a prelude to the classic ring battle that has stills popping up in fan sites in every wrestling kink corner of the internet. There’s something gaspworthy, however, about watching muscleboy Wade get his assed kicked like he’s some 98-pound weakling by the bodybuilder (and clearly experienced amateur wrestler) Johnny Rock in Paradise 3. Wade has been a recurring star in many a sweat-soaked homoerotic wrestling dream of mine, and seeing him getting owned by Johnny Rock has fueled many a fond fantasy.

Jay Austin wails on Dennis the Menace – BG East’s Paradise 2
The BG East website no longer lists it, but the Marky Mark and Cruze match in Paradise 4 is another sure fire orgasm for me. One of these days I’ll order Paradise 1 & 2, and I’m sure I’ll find myself happy to own all of these classic glimpses of club wrestling kink. So is Paradise on Mass Ave in Cambridge the same venue that brought us these beautiful works of art? I don’t know, but just the possibility made this stop along my homoerotic wrestling kink pilgrim’s way truly inspiring!

Desert Island Discs

True story: I just recently had to pack for several weeks away from home. I’m traveling for work, and packing is tight. I’ll have my laptop with me, and therefore access to watching DVDs. Here’s the task I gave myself, though: with limited space, I allotted myself exactly 3 homoerotic wrestling DVDs to bring with me. With that provocative task that I set for myself, the question became, which 3, out of my pretty impressive collection (if I do say so myself), should I bring?
Here’s what I came up with to keep me entertained for the next month or so (in addition to what I can snag online):
My first choice was Wrestlefest 2. It’s classic, old school BG East, with a live audience of fellow wrestlers cheering ringside and a strong smell of sweat, testosterone and camaraderie in the air (I’m on the record aching for more of all of that!). Having a young, stunningly hard, tanned rookie version of Brad Rochelle opening a can of nasty whoop ass on then-jobber Patrick Donovan can put me over the edge over and over, particularly once he’s got Patrick tied in the ropes.

I also love Chip Slater’s wrestling stylings (and that gorgeously handsome jaw!), and his humiliation and demolition of Jeff Jordan and his lucious pecs in Wrestlefest 2, with the hunks ringside cheering and whooping, is smokin’ hot! To be clear, Wrestlefest 2 isn’t precisely my favorite homoerotic wrestling DVD in my collection. But for this trip, with what’s yanking my crank at this moment, it was my top pick to pack.
My 2nd choice took me a little while to settle on. It likely comes as no surprise that I’d be packing a bit of Mitch Colby in my bag, but which Mitch masterpiece? I settled on Mitch-cubed, with Mitch’s Wrestler Spotlight DVD. His mat match against Patrick Donovan (yes, with extremely tight space, I’ve managed to squeeze in a double shot of Patrick!) is quite possibly my favorite Mitch-match of all time, but that’s hard to pin down because nothing Mitch does ever disappoints. But I’m absolutely enthralled with the give and take between Mitch and Patrick, the closely contested wrestling and tests of strength and tenacity, the gallons of sweat pouring off their gorgeous bodies, and a bearhug contest that I just about cannot make it all the way through without a very satisfying explosion.
When Mitch brings back amorous admirer Marc Rion (hey, what ever happened to that tasty one-hit-wonder?) for the 3rd match in this collection, it’s admittedly a little light on the wrestling but delightfully heavy on body worship. There are frequently times when some passionate body worship will get my heart pounding nearly as ferociously as an over-the-knee backbreaker. And worshipping Mitch is a very fond fantasy of mine. Definitely, Mitch’s Wrestler Spotlight is undoubtedly going to come in very handy over the next several weeks away from home.

When it came time to settle on my 3rd and final choice, I was feeling a lot of pressure. Saying yes to any one thing would mean saying no to everything else in my collection. Will I want old school? New school? Heavy on the erotic? Heavy on the ring wrestling? In the end, I settled on the classic Hunkbash 2 to round out my desert island discs. As with all my choices, the fact that there are many favorite wrestlers and matches on the same disc played heavily into my decision to stow Hunkbash 2 in my carry-on. First and foremost, I don’t believe I’ve ever sat down to watch a Wade Cutler match that didn’t end with me coated in sweat and toweling off. But place muscle hunk Wade into the expert hands of heel extraordinaire and BG East Boss himself, Kid Leopard, and the climactic match of Hunkbash 2 qualifies for one of the hottest, most satisfying homoerotic wrestling matches I’ve ever seen. Wade is in prime physical condition, wearing iconic stars and stripes trunks (for a while, at least), and suffering in complete shock at being manhandled and sexually dominated by a smaller, less muscular opponent. Classic tale. Iconic wrestlers. Never-fail entertainment to satisfy in the coming weeks.

But there really isn’t a match in Hunkbash 2 that fails to offer quality goods to tweak my kink from one angle or another. Blond babyface Barry Longshaw getting stomped into the mat by an incredibly young Kid Vicious with a full head of hair is simply awesome. Psycho Capone opening up his nasty brand of insanity all over big, beautiful muscle boy Terry Reed is over the top hot (something about that match totally sucks me into really pitying Terry… seriously beautiful salesmanship, obviously). But I think my second most favorite match from Hunkbash 2 is pro-heel Bryan unleashing a stunningly hot mauling all over the beeee-autiful and timelessly muscled body of Dante Rosetti. From start to finish, I love every twist and turn in Dante’s bashing, but when Bryan looks like he nearly shoves his boot up Dante’s tasty muscled ass as the tanned Italian is trapped and spread-eagled in the corner ring ropes, I am seriously moved.
Like I said, these don’t necessarily reflect my favorite discs of all time. But I chose them to offer me a smattering of several motifs, tastes, and genres to satisfy me through a variety of potential moods over the coming weeks. I can already guarantee that at some point I’ll kick myself because I’m particularly in the mood for some other gem from my library. Just not having access to the rest of my collection will likely heighten my obsession for something I won’t have in hand. But I feel pretty solid on these three discs to get me through several weeks of what could be astonishingly dry, boring work. And of course, there are online matches that I’ll have at my fingertips as well…
What 3 discs would you have packed?

Asses Named

Congratulations to Stay Puft, who posted the best score for this week’s edition of Name That Ass! All of these glutes this week should be on your list of homoerotic wrestlers to watch. I own matches with all of these hot hunks, and they’re all cherished possessions. Now pull out your quizzes and let’s review the answers…
Ass #1 belongs to…
…the Z-Man, Zack Vazquez/Zack Johnathan… whatever you’d like to call him, I get the impression he’ll answer you.
It’s Thunder’s Arena wrestler Sebastian showing off the Z-Man’s moneymaker in a feet-off-the-floor bearhug in Battlespace 10. The Z-Man hasn’t always jobbed, but let’s face it, he’s jobbed more than his fair share. I’m glad to see in his recent debut with BG East that he’s got a little more to offer than just having his ass beat up and down and shown off from every angle. It is, indeed, a nice ass, though.
Ass #2 belongs to…
…BG East muscle god himself, Wade Cutler.
I was just talking about this proportionally perfect muscle god! Those pecs come in a close second place for my favorite Wade Cutler body part, but hands down, it’s that gorgeous ass that’s at the top of my list. Again, I say, Rod Duart in X-Fights 19 was one damn lucky rookie.
Ass #3 belongs to…
…legendary pornboy, Scott Randsome (aka Kurtus Beefcake).
Specifically, here he’s grinding his balls into still another legendary pornboy, Tom Katt for BG Enterprise’s Fantasy Fight 2. Tom has his eye, and hands, on Scott’s ass from the get-go, but the battle to determine who’s ass is getting fucked is far from a given. Fans of full contact muscle on muscle wrestling simply must own this match.

Ass #4 belongs to…
Steve did just a few matches for Can-Am, including this appearance on the mats and then in the oil (ah, Can-Am), in Czech Tag Team 2. He wrestled alongside of Sonny Markham, another musceboy extraordinaire, and they faced off against the titular Czechs, Jirka Kalvoda and Jarda Kolar. I’m more familiar with Steve’s more competitive work for On Top Wrestling, and his much, much less competitive wrestling for Sharpshooters. Damn, that’s one gorgeous golden blond man.
Finally, ass #5 belongs to…
…BG East bad boy classic, Jose.
You know you’re a bad ass when you only need one name to inspire fear. Here, Jose wrestles in one of the Paradise oil wrestling matches, up against The Lineman. Jose kicked ass all the time. Always. Satisfyingly. And his cock had its own zip code. Look at the sneer on that face, and then scroll back up and enjoy the ass again.
No shame if you didn’t score a perfect 100. It’s just a signal that you need to watch a lot more homoerotic wrestling. Enjoy your studies!

Bill of Goods

As I’ve made a lot of hay passing judgment on homoerotic wrestling matches and wrestlers, Kid Leopard’s words of caution from the BG East Headquarter’s discussion group frequently come to mind. KL has, on more than one occasion, cautioned commenters not to turn catty as we discuss wrestler’s bodies. The fine wrestlers who strip down and lock up for our entertainment are, in fact, real guys with bruisable egos, who don’t sign up to have every aspect of their physiques trashed and insulted. I think there is a relatively fine line, however. Let’s face it, the bodies are, themselves, major draws that make us tune in. As consumers, we pay up to be entertained, which in large part includes enjoying the appearance of wrestlers’ barely clad/unclad bodies. It’s hardly surprising that we have things to say about wrestler’s bodies. “His ass is hot,” and, “His ass is fat,” come from essentially the same observational position, and frankly they may both represent about the same quantity of charitable spirit. We buy a product, and therefore we feel entitled to treat that product, including the appearance of bodies, as objects available for us to critique. Still, with KL’s words playing in the back of my head like Jiminy Cricket, I try my best to stay on the respectful side of the fine line as I presume to comment on homoerotic wrestlers’ physiques.

With that preamble in mind, let me just ask you: is Naked Kombat’s new rookie, Cliff Jensen, what you’d characterize as a “muscle god?” NK’s text teaser to get you to click through to the match characterizes this pairing as, “Huge-dicked muscle god takes on sexy stud.” Sebastian Keyes is a scrappy little wrestler who fulfills my fantasy of what it would be like to see Seth Green in homoerotic combat.  I’m 100% certain that Sebastian is the “sexy stud,” and not the “huge-dicked muscle god.” Which means that Cliff Jensen must be the one NK is selling as the huge-dicked muscled god in this scenario.

At the risk of sounding catty, I don’t buy the line that Cliff Jensen is a muscle god. Huge-dicked, okay. But muscle god? Is this the physique of a muscle god?

Let me be absolutely clear. It’s not Cliff or his physique that I’m taking issue with. It’s the marketing mind, casting him as the huge-dicked muscle god, that I’m quibbling with. I’d wrestle Cliff in a heartbeat. I’d spank his sweet ass (he seems to like that), and I’d fuck him (he loses but tops from the bottom, so not sure if that says more about Sebastian or Cliff), and I’d count myself as very, very fortunate for the opportunity. I’m infatuated with Cliff’s ink, and in particular, his dragon tat across his right shoulder blade (watch for him in a future installment of Name That Tat!). At 6’3″, he’s a tall drink of water, and there’s no disputing that the boy is physically fit (despite getting winded early in his debut), carrying very little body fat. I hope that I’m not coming across as catty and insulting, because I think he’s a tall, sexy frat boy with plenty of potential. But I balk at characterizing Cliff Jensen as a muscle god.

I’m probably as culpable as anyone in over-ascribing godliness to certain homoerotic wrestling bodies. But when I wax hyperbolic about a physique, it tends to come from a place of nearly disbelieving awe. That body simply cannot be solely human. His face is too handsome. His proportions are too perfect. When it comes specifically to the characterization of “muscle god,” I tend to picture physique stars with slabs of beef hanging off of their skeletons like a meat locker. “Muscle god,” I think, requires competition bodybuilding quality muscle, thick, defined, a little freakish (though I reserve a whole different class of adoration for the “muscle freak“). I’m picturing the mountainously muscled Thunder’s Arena’s Conan, for example…

…or the inhumanly perfect aesthetics of classic BG East muscle man Wade Cutler

…or even the simply gorgeous, powerful, thick, hard, veiny awesomeness of Kid Brock.

I buy “muscle god” for a lot of homoerotic wrestling physiques, frankly. There are a lot of fine works of art wrestling out there with entirely worship-worthy bodies with more than an echo of divinity built in. But Cliff Jensen’s charm is just not cut from that cloth, I’d argue.

He’s pretty. His long and hunky. He likes his ass spanked hard, god damn it. And for all of that (along with the stunning body art), I’m a fan of the rookie. But “muscle god?”

I just don’t think so.