Riding Him Like a Pony

I was chatting with someone last night when the topic of getting choked in the ropes came up (you know, like it does).  I know there are wrestling fans who are far more into the fantasy of choking, but I certainly get it.  The element of control is so seductive when one hunk is literally rationing the air supply of his opponent. “You’ll breathe when I say you’ll breathe” is such an intimate, inside-out type of corporal domination. In any case the phrase, “choked in the ropes and riding him like a pony” came up, which sent me tracking down that particular moment in homoerotic wrestling archives. So much intimacy. Such control. So much humiliation. Sweet.

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This was the first image that came to my mind, of a raging, dominating rookie of the year Brad Rochelle in Wrestlefest 2 choking Patrick Donovan in the ropes, sitting on his shoulders as their fellow BG East wrestlers parade by slapping the wasted jobber in the face.
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Seems like something about gorgeous Patrick Donovan inspired many opponents to climb on board his sweaty, sexy back and shut down his windpipe. Here Jarret Cole saddles up in Patrick’s Wrestler Spotlight DVD.
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Beau Hopkins feels the weight of gorgeous Vic Silver bearing down on him in Can-Am’s Canadian Musclehunk Wrestling 5.
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Less riding the pony and more surfing the sucker, Colt Stevens crushes Gage Cordona’s throat underfoot in Rock Hard Wrestling’s Explosive Encounter.
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Dick Rick added a little torque hanging from the ring apron while choking the fight out of beautiful Mike Pitt in Ringwars 16.
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Can-Am’s Rush is the pony here, with Jay Moore reigning him in hard in Lean & Mean.
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Bodybuilder Larry Janson is as humiliated as can be with irrepressible Brian Maxon holding him place with just one boot in Maxon vs. Janson.

Size Matters

Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to men’s bodies, my tastes include a broad spectrum.  In fact, it’s not just that there are a variety of body types that turn me on, but variety itself is a turn on. I have friends, for example, that will only date guys who are over 6 feet tall, or blonds, or twinks, or Asian men, or bodybuilders. For me, each of the above is delightful, and all of the above is fantastic.
Most people who know me are also aware that I tend to have a fascination for stats. Most relevant to today’s post, I love the numerical context for the homoerotic wrestlers who arouse me. Astute readers have picked up that I tend to count things like height, weight, and matches wrestled when I contemplate wrestling hunks. Numbers can sketch out the backstory that I love so much to wrestling drama. Stats can also, without a doubt, mislead. Take, for example, wrestlers’ physical stats. Overestimating heights and weights is a notorious tendency in professional wrestling, as promoters try to paint a bigger than life picture of the gladiators battling in the ring. So with more than a grain of salt, I appreciate wrestling numbers and today reflect on the right tail of the distribution: literal giants of homoerotic wrestling.
My research project for today’s post was to try to identify the homoerotic wrestlers at least 6’4″ tall.  Who might you guess is among the skyscrapers towering that high? There were about a dozen long, tall drinks of water that I expected to make this list, but who didn’t (at least not according to their wrestling profiles). I fully expected to see on this list such BG East big men as Mitch Colby (actually listed anywhere from 6’1 – 6’3), Gareth Black (6’3″), Kid Brock (6’1″), Stan Greer aka Cage (ranging from 6′ to 6’2″), Jeff Olsen (6’2″).  I thought I’d find more to add to the list from Thunder’s Arena, who specializes in the big boys, like O’Shea (6’3″), Sampson (6’3″), or Titan (6’2″).  A few of Can-Am’s classically massive wrestlers surprised me by missing the list, like Brett Mycles (6’1″) and Jirka Kalvoda (6’0″).  Also catching me by surprise by not towering quite as high as I thought were Naked Kombat rafter cleaners Blake Daniels (6’3″) and Spencer Reed (6’1″).  Not to say that any of these guys aren’t long, lovely specimens who I’d have to get a step ladder to look in the eye. But their online profiles indicate that they aren’t quite at the most elite level of towering hunks in the business. So who is?  Well this is the list that I was able to identify…
Thunder’s Arena’s giant Boxxy rains power down on Angel.

Thunder’s Arena’s butt-tastic muscle man Boxxy is posted at a dizzying 6’4″ carrying his 240 pounds of decadent muscle. Of course, putting him on the mat opposite 5’5″ Angel only accentuates the superhuman size of the bubble-butted phenom. 
Boxxy even makes muscle man Rex look relatively small!
Side by side with fellow side of beef, 5’8″ Rex, Boxxy manages the seemingly impossible task of making the word “petite” somehow seem to stick on Rex’s powerful, pounding physique. When looking for a hit of size-fetish satisfaction, Boxxy certainly deserves to stand among the pantheon of homoerotic wrestling giants (in stature).
BG East’s Clint Morgan towers over a battered proboy Bryan.
There are a few other power hitters like Boxxy who stretch the measuring tape to 6’4″, such as BG East’s classic bully, Clint Morgan.  Clint stayed in the game long enough to earn him a Bodies Over Time post (somebody remind me).  He was such a physically dominant powerhouse, I actually figured 6’4″ was an underestimate, but the measuring tape isn’t capturing just how much his beef and personality fill up the ring.
Clint used his amazingly long legs to torture his opponents viciously.
Clint is a massive, vicious, merciless brute of man that I’d definitely want on my side of a bar fight. And once we’ve brutally won the impromptu battle, flush with adrenaline and bursting with cum, this giant is coming home with me celebrate!
Can-Am’s Brian Maxon demands to be worshipped.
Can-Am’s Brian Maxon was another 6’4″ package of vile muscle heel. “Larger than life” sort of sums up “maximum Maxon.” Every astonishing inch of his body was divine, including that perfectly proportioned python dangling so ominously between his legs. I always get the impression in a Maxon match that, like the muscle god he is, Brian is less interested in the “winning” as he is in being worshipped. 
Brian used his massive body to smother and bury his opponents in the mat.
I pictured big Brian swaggering his big, beautiful body through the homoerotic wrestling universe collecting an army of devotees who’ve been converted by being smothered between his huge pecs and pounded into painful ecstasy by his titanic cock.  He snaps his fingers and the lucky bastards who were just ground into the mat jump to their feet and follow him, wide-eyed in devoted rapture, to his next spiritual conquest.
BG East’s Magnus had to pry Surge’s face upward to meet his gaze.
So numbers can (and let’s face it, usually do) lie. Some of the hunks on this list I’m guessing have had their heights fudged upward at least a couple of inches. But I have no trouble at all believing that BG East’s recent muscle monster, Magnus, is every inch his reported 6’4″ and every ounce the 230 pounds they say he is. Talk about being ripped from the pages of a superhero comic book! I wouldn’t be surprised to hear the news that English-Hollywood superhunk Tom Hardy was mugged and beaten into a coma outside of the filming of the next Batman installment only to be replaced by his mugger, the real Bane of babyfaces everywhere, Magnus!
Surge was clearly awed by the massive presence of Magnus.
There are plenty of moments when Magnus’ muscleboy opponent, Surge (5’11”), completely disappears in the giant beast’s shadow. Sexy Surge didn’t go down without a fight, but you get the distinct impression in their battle that Surge was awestruck looking up (and up and up) at the mountain of muscle in front of him from start to finish. Like my imagining of Maxon, Magnus turns his mere mortal opponent into a quivering pile of rubble desperate to serve and service the muscled god who pins his face to the mat with his beer can (a 40 ouncer) cock.
Naked Kombat’s Rusty Stevens plowed skinny giant Ben Deep.
Look up the idiom, “The bigger they are, the harder they fall,” and surely you’ll see this image of Naked Kombat loser Ben Deep, whose 6’4″ of height were just more chump to fuck with for the infinitely “bigger” wrestler (at least his personality is bigger than just about anyone else’s), Rusty Stevens (6’0″). Personally, I can’t take my eyes off of Rusty in his NK days, so discovering that Ben was not only taller than Rusty, but 6’4″ tall was a little bit of a shock. I’ve seen this match a dozen times, and I’d swear Ben was 5’5″ when I think back on it. But that’s just because Rusty dominates so completely and keeps Ben flat on his back with his feet in the air pretty much from start to finish. But stand the jobber up, and we discover that lucky loser Ben Deep was one of the (skinniest) giants in homoerotic wrestling.
Thunder’s Arena’s Draco nearly launches Z-Man through the ceiling.
Thunder’s posts conflicting reports of their short-time wrestling stud named Draco. His “official” profile puts him at a towering 6’5″, but I’ve seen him listed in one of his products at 6’3″. I’m not entirely sure I buy the extra 2 inches, but I did catch his match with a curiously blond Z-Man (5’10”). Draco definitely makes Z-Man look juvenile, starring up the long, ripped, tanned body of the newbie.
Gorgeous Draco can’t quite fit in the frame!
In the pantheon of titanic muscle giants, Draco would be the sexy playboy. Guys this tall can have a tough time keeping their proportions aesthetic, I find, but Draco’s bronze loveliness (and gallons of hair product) are nothing short of pretty. He may not have the physically dominant presence of a Clint Morgan or a Magnus, but it’s not hard to picture him being fed by the sight of a losing opponent worshipping at his feet.
BG East’s Kevin Armstrong foolishly looked down his nose at nasty heels KL & TK. 

The tallest wrestler I could find on the BG East roster doesn’t have his own profile, but his one appearance lists Kevin Armstrong at 6’5″ and 215 pounds. Personal trainer and gym manager Kevin apparently tried to use his impressive physical presence to pour cold water on the rising tension between former tag partners Kid Leopard (5’8″) and Thom Katt (who I can’t find a height for, but he had to be shorter than KL).  As you might expect, KL and TK were impressed with the physical specimen presented to them, but hardly intimidated.

So much fun to be had with a 6’5″ personal trainer!
In fact, the two smaller men delight in bringing the big, blond Gulliver to the mat and not just beating him, not just humiliating him, but in discovering a laundry list of innovative ways to torture such an impressive expanse of body. I haven’t seen this one, but note to self: buy Kid Leopard’s Classic Spotlight!

Can-Am’s classic giant muscle man, Rob Frank

I don’t believe I’ve seen Can-Am’s Rob Frank wrestle either, but if he really was the 6’6″ height he’s listed at, he was one stunningly huge muscle man! To pack that much muscle on that big a frame seems like an astonishing feat. Further, to recruit such a specimen for wrestling for gay eyes seems even more of an amazing accomplishment.

Rob Frank hangs 5’10” Rich Money like so much laundry.

Have him wrestle naked in the ring, and I’m kicking myself wondering how I haven’t seen towering Rob Frank wrestle yet!  I’d have snarky comments to make about the mullet, if I weren’t a little scared of having a 6’6″ muscle beast take it personally. He could do some serious damage without even trying!

Thunder’s Arena’s Troy Stevens dwarfs Z-Man.

But who’s the tallest of the homoerotic wrestler giants? There’s an addendum after my answer, but for now, I’m pulling out my step ladder to crown Thunder’s Arena’s muscle freak giant, Troy Stevens, as the biggest of the sexy big men that I could find.  Whether he’s the every fraction of an inch the 6’7″ Thunder’s puts him at, he’s incredibly huge!

What the fuck was Z-Man thinking?!

Thunder’s only posted 2 matches featuring Troy, which is a shame. There’s a little bit of an Andre the Giant feel about these scenes of him destroying 5’10” playgirl muscle model, Z-Man. It’s as if these are two different species. One is a jaw-droppingly gorgeous muscle star, and the other is a classic Titan of Greek mythology.  The size difference is just astonishing, and if there’s a Zeus in the pantheon of homoerotic wrestling giant men, I’d guess it’s the superhuman musclefreak, Troy Stevens.

Thunder’s Arena’s Enforcer: Giant, yes. But homoerotic wrestler?

Addendum: Search engines on some of the homoerotic wrestling websites suck, so I very well may have missed some of the wrestlers who topped out at 6’4″ or taller. Feel free to point out where my list is lacking.  I won’t take it personally (unless your a dick about it). Also, Thunder’s Arena actually posts their wrestler, The Enforcer, at 6’10” tall, a full 3″ taller than Troy (aka Zeus). However, I’m taking the liberty (since this is my list, after all) of disqualifying The Enforcer as not having actually “wrestled.” His “match” with Z-Man, and the attempted double team with “Tristian” (aka Aryx Quinn, aka Tristan Baldwin) strikes me as all gimmick, no wrestling. The Enforcer is undeniably huge, but… well, no, I’m just saying he doesn’t fit the requirements of qualifying as a homoerotic “wrestler.”  His singular appearance with Thunder’s has much more the feel of a sideshow than of a wrestling match, or perhaps more accurately foreplay before Z-Man and Aryx got down to a legitimate tussle.

While it doesn’t take a giant over 6’4″ to get my blood pumping, this list of towering hunks proves that it doesn’t hurt, either!  Bodies this big also tend to come with accompanying vulnerabilities, like weak joints, but a massive, giant homoerotic wrestler who can pump up and pound out a hot wrestling match is a wonder that can most definitely work for me.

Playing God

I’ve been thinking about friends and family on the East Coast and hoping that everyone is surviving the aftermath of Hurricane Irene. AH emailed me this morning from his smart phone to let me know that he’s been without power for 24 hours and amusing himself with the mental game of assembling his ideal wrestler’s body from the component parts of many different wrestlers. In honor of AH and everyone mopping up from that messy bitch, Irene, I decided to quickly put together a post playing AH’s game of ordering up my ideal wrestler’s body a la carte.

Turns out, this is one tough game to play! I set out for myself the task of choosing no more than one body part from any one wrestler. Then I went to scouring my mental and literal library of homoerotic wrestling favorites to decide who to deconstruct in order to reconstruct into the assemblage of an over the top, made to order homoerotic wrestling god. I spun my wheels for quite a while getting a start on this project. There are so many wrestlers who I think of as possessing physical perfection, but many of them don’t necessarily possess the perfect singular body part divorced from the rest. But body part by body part, this is what I came up with:

For some reason, it worked for me to start from the bottom and work my way up my mad scientist construction of the ideal wrestling body. My Frankenstein’s monster of physical wrestling perfection has Troy Baker’s legs. Troy was in the running for nearly every body part, frankly, but it was Troy’s own love his legs that made me single them out for this recipe.  Thick and hard without a whisper of body fat, Troy’s legs were simply perfection, as far as I’m concerned. When he had Nick Archer’s noggin’ trapped between his crushing thighs, Troy looked like he was just about to cum with delight in the overpowering beauty of his dominating power. Though Troy did not literally cum in that moment, I’m certain that I’m not alone when I say that I certainly did, and have repeatedly, in worshipful lust for Troy’s unbelievable legs.

Hanging between my assembled wrestling’s god’s ripped thighs is Brian Maxon’s cock and balls. Between you and me, Brian Maxon’s wrestling usually left me a little uninspired. His cock, however, once unsheathed and getting worshipped by the loser he conquered on the mats, was pretty nearly my impression of phallic perfection. There are most certainly longer wrestling cocks, and a few thicker, but Brian’s cock was a perfectly proportioned monster that demanded to be be worshipped.

Spin my cut-n-paste wrestling god around and you’ll get a sight of the most gorgeous homoerotic wrestling glutes on the planet, which actually belong and fit so beautifully on the body of  Kid Karisma. Quite literally, I’ve put in a pitch for a wrestler spotlight DVD that stars Kid K’s ass, specifically. Somewhere (I can’t put my finger on the text at the moment… I think Joe wrote it), I saw Kid K described as a Tom of Finland drawing come to life. It’s the ass that makes that statement 110% true (see recent posts regarding my mathematical shortcomings).

Allowing our eyes to wander upward from Kid K’s perfect ass, we would find on my assembly of a made-to-order wrestling god the back of Brett Mycles. A thickly muscled back is a thing of wonder. I’ve seen some inspiring pec frottage, but I’m still looking for a scene of a wrestler working out an ecstatic explosion in the deep cravasse between the mountainous bulges of a muscled back like Brett’s. The aesthetics of a narrow, corded lower back beneath an astonishingly wide and contoured lat spread capped off by thick delt and trap muscles is just about the most beautiful thing in the world, I think.

Again, let’s spin my wrestling creation around now to take a look at the front, where he’s sporting Rafe Sanchez’ abdominal muscles. I’ve ranted a bit before (perhaps unfairly) about comments in a discussion group that referred disparagingly to Rafe’s body as “not the best.” I couldn’t disagree more, not in total, and most certainly not when it comes to the marble sculpture that are his abdominals and obliques. Add a cup of water and a squirt of detergent and I swear to you it would require not more than three passes to get your laundry clean on that washboard! The separation between each scale of that armor is superhuman. I’d want no one else’s ripped to shreds core on my wrestling god assemblage.

As our eyes wander upward from Rafe’s rocking abs, we’ll see the luscious pecs of Darius. Choosing whose pecs to add to my homoerotic wrestling god was perhaps the most difficult selection of all. If I hadn’t already cannibalized Troy Baker’s legs, his pecs very well could’ve beat out Darius’. As it is though, it’s Darius’ monster pecs that made the shortlist. Hot. Damn.

Shoulders were another tough call for me, but I decided that my homoerotic wrestling god of my own creation will have Wade Cutler’s delts. The mountainous, angular boulders that were Wade’s shoulders always completely captivated me, and they still do today as I treasure the moments where Wade shows up in my library of homoerotic wrestling. Massive, wide, veiny shoulders are intensely erotic, not to mention damn useful in a fierce wrestling contest. My wrestling god compilation sports the best shoulders I could think of.

Again, arms were difficult to select, owing to the deep field of worthy applicants. I’m giving a nod to rookie beauty, Thiago Diaz, however, because his arms are stunning.  With arms it’s certainly not all about size. Shape, proportion, balance and definition speak to me more when it comes to arms than blunt size. Thiago’s bulging biceps and massively thick forearms are entirely worthy additions to the wrestling god of my creation.

Finally, capping off the physical perfection of my wrestling god creation is the devastatingly handsome face of Brad Rochelle. Brad was in a barnburner of a race against exactly one other gorgeously handsome homoerotic wrestling hunk to lend his face to my creation. It was the cleft chin that just 5 seconds ago made me select Brad’s perfect visage.

Of course, this ideal homoerotic wrestling body I’ve just created requires some extensive smoothing and adjusting to match up size, complexion, and proportion. And I’m already thinking that, while this fits my “Muscle Worshipper” type that I scored highest on in yesterday’s quiz from Manof1000Holds, an equally perfect body would be made of entirely different parts to construct my idea of perfection when it comes to a pretty boy (okay, some of the same parts would certainly apply), or a bad boy.

Excellent exercise, AH! I hope you’re managing to keep yourself entertained as you wait for the power to come back on. So whose parts would comprise your ideal homoerotic wrestler?