There were tons of perennial contenders putting up bids last month for the HWOTM title. So many current and former favorite homoerotic wrestlers pumped out hot juicy matches in April that the task of choosing just one to honor was delightfully brutal. But I’m going with my gut (and territory south of there) and selecting one particularly entertaining wrestler who took me places I never knew I needed to go. The new homoerotic wrestler of the month around these parts is…
Coop’s incredibly masterful manhandling of handsome newbie Leo Tomasi in Jobberpalooza 13 was epic! This was Coop 2.0, of course. He strutted to the ring with sun glasses and leather vest, dripping with condescension and scorn. Beautiful, babyface Leo was earnest as hell, honestly stating his case that he was there to learn from the best. A more tender ego might have blinked at the doe-eyed flattery, but not evil Austin. Not “Dr. Cooper,” as he names himself before this match is done with.
Season after season, we’ve seen mouthwatering Coop bring a cocky, babyface fratboy sensibility to his wrestling. The stud has obvious amateur experience. He’s got fitness model good looks, a fantastic physique, and an insistent uprightness. There was a brief moment in time when the world was divided into Coop fans and Jake Jenkins fans, and I was decisively on the JJ side of the fence. Perhaps it’s not a coincidence (oh, hell, of course it isn’t) that when Coop first claimed the HWOTM title just over one year ago, it was in his titular role as having turned heel in Demolition 16: Austin’s Heel Turn. Since then, we’ve seen Coop the goldenboy babyface back in action, looking like the painfully pretty earnest fratboy. But like a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, it’s Coop’s barbaric, vicious heel side that seems to stroke me the hardest.
The evil Dr. Cooper is the one who shows up in Jobberpalooza 13 to dispel handsome young Leo of the illusions that he’s going to be on the receiving end of some big brother, good spirited apprenticeship. The action is like a landslide – all going one direction, which is downhill crashing down all over the gasping newbie. I’m stunned by just how deep Austin digs into the dark side. Leo can barely lift his eyelids, much less mount a defense merely moments into the match, and Austin doesn’t give him an inch of mercy. If anything, the worse Leo’s fates fall, the more vicious Austin grows.
Austin insistently tickles my weakness for a cocky heel, not just owning the rook but delighting in every moment. Dr. Coop chuckles and smirks as he grinds the kid into a pulp. He hoists him up high in a reverse bear hug that takes MY breath away. I am first in line to be the next one to take that ride!
The moment in this match that seals the deal for me is set up by Coop slamming Leo’s dazed face into the mat. With a genuine note of surprise, Austin discovers that he’s bloodied the rookie’s nose. He suddenly sounds concerned for the kid. He helps the newbie peel himself up off the mat, looking every bit like he’s going to help the kid staunch the flow. But no. He suddenly hoists Leo up in the air, dripping blood and all, hangs him upside down from the turnbuckle, and starts kicking the shit out of him. “We’ve got to invert you to stop that bloody nose!” he smirks. Then he slides Leo’s upside down head between his huge, golden, smooth thighs, trapping Leo’s face deep, pressed tightly against the base of his balls, and squeezes, and squeezes, and squeezes (they say apply pressure to a wound, right?). “Just call me Dr. Cooper, helping you re-cooper-ate.” Hot damn, I need an establishing-care appointment with a new primary care physician!!!
No goldenboy babyface fratboy, Dr. Cooper owns me every ounce as absolutely as he does lovely piece of fluff Leo Tomasi. With the ring of that bell that announces Coop as the winner of the match, he took full possession of the title of this month’s homoerotic wrestler of the month.