In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Eli Black pretty much owned neverland about a year ago.  The incredibly dangerous stud was the first ever to claim the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month here 3 times.  I wondered what had happened to him after what seemed like a drought of Eli releases for several months.  Then BG East releases their newest Eli feature, going undie to undie with underwear model pretty boy Z-Man in Undagear 21.  And around the same time, out of the blue, Ethan “Axel” Andrews contacts me and offers to introduce me to UCW.

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Ethan “Axel” Andrews and the notorious blue tarp.

I’ve enjoyed Joe’s coverage of UCW for years now.  He has a special relationship with the UCW boys, it seems.  For some reason, I’ve never sampled them.  I think it’s the aesthetic of the blue tarp covered walls.  But Ethan assured me he believed I’d like what I saw, so he gave me some complimentary review copies of a few UCW matches that he personally picked out with me in mind.  How could I say no?  And, of course, Eli Black plays a prominent role in this sexy ass mix tape.

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The All-Star Champion of UCW, Eli Black!

So THAT’S where Eli’s been!  The UCW files show Eli with more advanced ink than his BG East appearances, so I’m deducing that his UCW work has happened since he first taped with BG East.  Over at UCW, Eli appears to be a notoriously underhanded heel.  And, ironically, Ethan “Axel” is apparently a notoriously aboveboard face.  Welcome to Wonderland, Alice!  They’ve apparently been calling each other out for months by the time they face one another finally on the UCW mats.  The opening trash talk is angry and vicious (like I love it!).  Both boys are in very brief blue trunks.  Ethan’s pouch is gargantuan, which is a detail that comes back into this story pretty damn quickly.

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Extreme ball abuse throughout.

Early on, this appears to be a mugging.  Ethan is all over Eli like a bad rash.  Honestly, it’s a mugging when Ethan (who is determined NOT to be a bully?) zeroes in on Eli’s bandaged, injured arm, viciously cranking, punching, and kicking it relentlessly.  Eli is stunned like I’ve never quite seen Eli stunned before.  That right arm hangs lifelessly at his side.  He’s nothing more than a mouthwateringly hot plaything for furious Ethan to torture. With rising confidence, he starts to focus on Eli’s pride and joy (not his ass, his other pride and joy), his abs.  Kicks, punches, even a headbutt to the gut delivers the contempt that Ethan feels for Eli’s ripped 8-pack.  But even without ever seeing a UCW match, I could’ve told Ethan he was barking up the wrong tree. A mountain of gut bashing is what Eli refers to as a breather.  Sure enough, Eli roars back, scoops him up, and slams Ethan to the mat with authority.

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That mammoth package was just too big for this NOT to happen!

“My turn!”  Eli crows, going to town on Ethan’s also impressive, but let’s face it, nowhere nearly as ripped abdominal wall.  Ethan’s got his sights set farther south, though, quickly turning to crushing that humungous pouch of Ethan’s with the heel of his barefoot.  Then both feet.  Holy shit, Ethan screams.

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Amazing athleticism from these two stars.

There’s a ton of ass slapping and ball abuse traded between the two of these studs.  It’s astonishingly evenly fought, both in athleticism, fitness, and viciousness.  Neither of them can quite believe that their tried and true finishers simply cannot seal the deal.  They get angrier and more frustrated by the minute. The pacing is surprisingly engaging.  The personalities are huge and hot.  And I don’t even mind the blue tarped walls, particularly when Eli has Ethan scooped up in his arms and pounds him over and over into the cinderblocks.

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The three sexy stars of this match.

This is careening into a blue-ball stalemate when Eli proposes a gut punching contest to settle their score.  Gut punching contest with Eli!?  What the fuck is Ethan thinking?  Oh, that’s what he’s thinking. When it’s obvious he’s never going to make Eli’s impenetrable armor quiver, he delivers a low blow, swarms all over Eli’s gorgeous ass, and puts him down for the count.

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The champ is out!

“This is the ONLY time I’m going to cheat to win!” Ethan promises the camera as he leaves the mat.  But somehow, it feels like Eli’s loss may be even a bigger victory for the dark side of the force.  Who can resist that feel of dominating power that comes from a shocking low blow?  Who can pick up the mantle of bad ass bully and then, voluntarily, set it down again to play it straight?  The force is strong with this one, and I suspect that Eli may not exactly consider this entirely a “loss.”

Me?  It’s a winner in my book, and I’m thrilled to get another Eli Black-fix in my system.

2 thoughts on “In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

  1. Geez, based on my download activity i have been polishing my knob to UCW since the Fall of 2009, yet Bard is just now tasting its treats, meanwhile your bro over at Ringside at SI has posted over 150 times about the attributes of this fed. I understand the aesthetic being a negative and i suspect, that like me, your preference is for fights in a ring, but the level of action at UCW is much more raw and relevant in its ability to capture what a fight is about than the slick and over produced video coming out from Rock Hard (your go to source for everything Ethan/Axel Andrews). Don’t get me wrong, cause i am a frequent purveyor of the model mayhem discoveries found on the Rock Hard roster, but if there was just a way to combine UCW Body Slam’s talent for producing high quality fight action with the sets and video quality (minus the multiple camera jump cut editing) of the Rock Hard producer, well, we might just have the wrestling nirvana that we all seek.

  2. BodySlam from UCW I wish I could figure out how to raise our video quality but I know so little about the production end and have never been able to find a college student or anyone else to help. But I will keep trying!

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