Schwowza! Zach Reno makes what may be the most eye-catching sophomore appearance at BG East in his new release in Gazebo Grapplers 17. I haven’t checked the record, but I think it was Joe who popped his cork first and hardest upon seeing Zach debut in Tag Team Torture 17 last year. Like the match description says, the newbie bore more than a passing resemblance to Michelangelo’s David, with classic tight curls and a supple, powerful, aesthetically muscled body. At the start of his new release, he’s on his back doing stomach crunches as the scene opens. If you didn’t know it was the rookie who made some surprising appearances in the BGE Bestie nominations after just one match in 2014, you’d be forgiven for not recognizing him. He sports an insane rats nest of long, unruly hair on his head, paired beautifully with a full beard, and moderately thick body hair across his sexy torso and thick, powerful legs. If there were an award for most hair on a homoerotic wrestler, Zach would win.
And he’s tops not just in quantity of hair. His pre/post-modern do is decidedly sexy as hell. Even if it’s a little frustrating to have that fashion model face frequently covered up, there’s something primal, raw, and provocatively virile about the entire presentation. Kid Karisma agrees with me, I think. “What’s this, a cave man?” my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler chuckles when he strolls into the gazebo to find the hairy hunk working his abs.
Despite wearing a sexy, dark blue, sensationally snug pair of brief trunks, it appears that Zach is not expecting Kid K to come all up in his business, interrupting his crunches. He complains about being distracted by the strutting, alabaster vision of physical perfection circling like a bird of prey. He calls Kid K “bro,” demanding some alone time in the gazebo to sculpt his six pack.
Kid Karisma looks famished. I mean, anyone who consistently shows up with bodyfat that freakishly low has got to be carb-deprived, but there’s something about Kid K’s intensity, his eagerness, that seems a notch higher to me than usual. I know the phenom has fantastic taste in body-beautiful opponents, so I’m strongly suspecting he’s as taken with the stunningly hirsute hunk as I am. He wants to get his hands on Zach. I want to get my hands on Zach. I’m delighted to see him get his hands all over Zach.
The delectable cave man is basically trying to defend himself from cruise missiles with nothing but a wooden club. If you’re half the Kid Karisma fan I am, you’ve seen the muscled wonder build this unstoppable momentum before, swarming, ripping, crushing his overwhelmed opponent from every angle. If you love dominating trash talk half as much as I do, you’ve appreciated precisely the way supremely cocky Kid K weaves a torrent of insults and taunts that seem to reach inside of Zach’s hot, hairy chest and crush his heart.
Kid Karisma works his intoxicating magic, no surprise. But the hunky, hairy, hardbodied beauty of a rookie sells his side of the bro-bashing beautifully. There’s something dizzying to me about Kid K’s polished marble fantasy physique, blue eyes and perfectly coiffed hair, ripping apart the primal, grunting dark and dashing cave man. My socialized gut makes me associate liberal coats of body hair, fuck-it-all tangles of head hair, and an “I-eat-hipsters” bristling beard with aggression, masculinity, invulnerability. Kid K is, on face value, the more vulnerable figure, like a vision of a delicate angel, crafted entirely for pleasure. So Kid K heeling the fuck out of Zach and making the bro scream in a panic grabs me by the balls just right.
Zach turns into little more than Kid K’s plaything pretty quickly. Dazed and confused, the fratboy cave man is humiliated over and over again. At one point, Kid K literally shoves his own head underneath Zach’s arm, forcing the rook to at least look like he knows an offensive maneuver. Zach rouses to try to make Kid K regret it. Yeah, Kid K has never heard the word “regret.” The most intoxicating moment by far for me is near the end, both hunks wedgied lusciously, Zach slipped snug and intimately in a front-face sleeper. He’s been beaten for days, but still, fireworks go off in my head when I watch the cave man struggle, then slowly sag. His arms flail but then droop to his sides. His back drops, his legs growing weak, as his conqueror sucks down every ounce of conscious strength and fight left in him. Then he hangs there in Kid K’s embrace, completely out, still on his feet because Kid K is holding him up, relishing the feel of the moment.
I still say being nominated for Top Babyface for 2014 was just too soon for Zach. He just had far too little screen time to compete with magnificent contenders like Kip, Jake, and my pick, Denny Cartier. But January 1 is such an arbitrary temporal boundary. The momentum between Tag Team Torture 17 and Zach’s destruction in Gazebo 17 is deeply compelling. I don’t know what’s in store for him, but I hope it’s prolific and involves getting his mop of curls yanked mercilessly and his beautifully hairy ass spanked relentlessly. And I desperately hope he calls more top shelf heels like Cage Thunder, Guido Genatto and, please-oh-please-oh-please Kid Vicious “bro.” I’d pay premium prices to watch that unfold.