I’m slowly catching up on several things, including my reading of homoerotic wrestling blogs. I noticed a recent post by Jonny Firestorm that primarily spoke to his awesome Fan Fantasy 2 match again his “childhood idol” Christopher Bruce. As I mentioned, I love the storytelling in that match. Sexy as hell, and a perfect marriage between Christopher’s phenomenal ass and Jonny’s mountainous bulge. And speaking of asses (and bulges, for that matter), Jonny also took time to celebrate the victory of the New England Patriots in the Superbowl.
For the record, I watch football rarely, but I did see the Superbowl. There’s just so little skin in football. And it isn’t wrestling. But I watched as the team that all my friends pulled for when I was a child, the Seahawks, faced off against the Patriots. And I will admit there was a sweet pro wrestling vibe to the narrative with a notorious, cheating, dominant heel smirking and snarling as they stare down a handsome, athletic, virtuous young babyface (at least that’s the narrative I wrote for it). The vibe got me only so far in really enjoying the game. However, the shocking standout of the Superbowl to me was exactly one mindblowingly hot performance from start to finish by just one player.
Julian Edelman’s ass. I mean, the rest of him is sexy as hell, too. But damn, damn, damn that ass!!! Buzzfeed ranked Edelman’s ass as only the 18th best in the game, but for my money, those hot muscled cheeks totally dominated.
So even in my general disinterest toward football on a daily basis, I knew of Rob Gronkowski and his massive muscles. I’d sweated out a couple over his full naked spread a few years back. A sexy meatscicle? Sure. I was prepared to enjoy watching him play, knowing the fantastically muscled physique way underneath all those pads.
But I barely noticed Gronk because Edelman’s ass kept grabbing my attention hard. Buzzfeed notes that his butt is somehow much sexier in motion than any still frame quite captures, and I agree (after wasting far too much of my life searching pics for this post). His glutes have a palpable heft to them. They stretch and flex gorgeously, so much muscle draped extravagantly off the bone. I spent most of the Superbowl trying to decide which player I most wanted to see wrestle him to the ground, rip off his tights and plow him while he cranks out his own ecstatic eruption. Sadly, Clay Matthews wasn’t in the game to contend for the honors. Then again, in my imagination Clay has his hands way, way full with teammate Jordy Nelson’s stellar ass.
My instant infatuation with Patriot’s wide receiver took me back to my childhood days of being forced to watch the Seahawks play on television, and learning that football wasn’t nearly as boring as I’d thought it was once I caught sight of Steve Largent’s ass. In fact, Largent and Edelman are about the same height, play the same position, and now for both of them I’ve spent entire football games fantasizing about their asses as I mutter, “Oh, yeah, I’d fuck you.” Of course, once Largent entered politics and I found out he’s a Republican stooge, my muttering was just abridged to just, “fuck you.”
So only 18th best? Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson even outranked Edelman, which I think is suspect, because although Russell has, by far, the sexiest bedroom eyes in pro sports, I’d drop his ass to the curb in an instant to get my hands on Julian. On the opposite side, Tom Brady’s ass is one of the most disappointing on a pro athlete, and he’s such a prettyboy smirker, the only place in my homoerotic wrestling fantasies for him is trampled underfoot by the top tier hotties battling overtop of him.
And, of course, that’s where my mind goes. What does a homoerotic wrestling match look like starring this way overpaid professional athletes? Buzzfeed passes the time ranking asses. I pass the time casting a no ref battle royale with toss outs, taps outs and knock outs eliminating the contenders. Buzzfeed’s #1 hottest ass belonged to Seahawk Earl Thomas. I’m not convinced that those awesome glutes are actually superior to Edelman’s, but hell yes he easily gets a starring role in the ring for me. To start the melee, everyone cooperates on tossing Gronk’s ass out of the ring early, because he’s just so fucking dominant. The muscle monster cries like a bitch at being teamed up on. Shut the fuck up, Gronk. Wilson sleepers Brady out cold in the middle of the ring. It’s stunningly fast and easy, because Brady just has no fucking clue. No defense. No offense. He just melts in Wilson’s arms and he’s out. Just as Wilson rises to his feet, Edelman blindsides him with a kick to the face and ties his hot bod up in the ropes. The Patriot shoves his hand down the front of Wilson’s trunks and cranks on the quarterback’s balls until the doe-eyed beauty screams his submission. Edelman leaves the crushed kid to watch, totally humiliated, as the contest climaxes. It’s down to Thomas and Edleman, and Edelman drops the competition with a nasty knee to the balls. But he takes too much time strutting and monologuing everyone left in the ring. Thomas rallies, snatches the wide receiver into a brutal bearhug, hoisting the stud completely off his feet, showing off that stunning ass. Edleman repeatedly starts to cock his fist for a jab to Thomas’ face, but Thomas stops him each time by bouncing his beautiful body brutally up and down in the bearhug, shocking the heel with jolts of paralyzing anguish. When Edelman starts to sag in his arms, Thomas slams his weakening body down on top of still unconscious Brady. The Seahawk catches his breath, then drags Edelman back to his feet by a fistful of that hipster beard. He hoists the wide receiver up off his feet, cradled across his chest, and slams him down hard in an OTK backbreaker. Edelman screams, but Thomas instantly bounces back to his feet, lifting Edelman off his knee, spinning him over and slamming him down across his knee in a gut buster that drives every ounce of oxygen out of Julian’s lungs. Thomas holds him here, dragging Julian’s trunks down his legs and leaving that gorgeous ass vulnerably bare. He starts spanking him. The loud cracks are shocking, but Edelman can’t catch his breath for a half a minutes as his wonderful glutes are beat beet red over and over. Finally, sucking down enough air, Edelman chokes out a humiliated, pleading submission. Thomas lets the stud hang there over his knee as the victor flexes a double bicep toward Russell, whose trunks cannot contain just how exhilarated he is by the scene in front of him.
So, okay, football doesn’t have to suck so bad after all.