A Surly Story

My recent post about Illinois Congressman Aaron Shock has made me think more about self-hating gays (for some reason). Our history is littered with internalized homophobes fighting against the “creeping gay” in society as mere metaphor for their inability to accept themselves for the cock-loving homos that they, themselves, are. The congressman’s pics from Men’s Health, I noted, give him a pouty, belligerent look as he stares at the camera with a little twist of disgust mingled with loathing. I’m sure I project too far when I say that it seems like he’s just daring the (let’s face it) strongly gay audience for men’s “fitness” magazines to lust after him.
This got me thinking about the male model more generally. It’s certainly not the case that the congressman is the first coverboy to be published looking pouty and put-out.
The slightly raised upper lip, the furrowed brow, even as beautiful model Seth Kuhlmann tugs at his muscle-t shoulder straps to show off his smooth pecs and dessert-like nipple tells a similar story. And I suppose, that’s the mark of a skilled model, in that he tells a story. Delectable sexy skin and an irritated, contemptuous snarl provoke both a closer look and a wonder to know more about what’s going in that beautiful, beautiful head of his.
Tattooed hunks recently featured this astonishingly beautiful muscle boy under the title, “Surly Hunk.” Indeed, perhaps it’s surliness that’s the backstory. Perhaps with a worship-worthy body like that, this fine specimen of gorgeous male beauty spends morning, noon and night fucking anything at all that he wants, leading to late nights that make early morning photoshoots a bit of a chore. Maybe the story here is, sure, he’ll take the paycheck, but he’s not happy with his agent for negotiating a 6:30 am shoot after he’s been the star player in a muscle hunk three way romp all night long.

I think the body-beautiful male model who looks put-out has something to say to my own kink for hot, hunky wrestling. One possible backstory is the “dare” part of that scenario I’m imagining for the congressman. The look could speak to the pre-match stare down, the all-business “just take a look at the physique that’s going to own your ass before we’re done here” posturing. An icy, unflinching, nearly zero affect (with just traces of something unnamed boiling underneath the surface) gaze is classic for homoerotic wrestling. Perhaps what catches my eye in the “surly” fitness boy pose is an echo of the nose-to-nose stare down before two barely clad gladiators proceed to use only their bodies to pry, pound, crunch and crush one another until one man concedes that despite all of his earlier bluster, he is undeniably inferior to the studly victor flexing overtop of him.

It’s art, at it’s core, though, so an equally powerful read of the scowling muscle hunk model emerges from a self-hating motif. “I know you lust for me, and I despise you for it” could just as easily be evoked. I strongly suspect that male models have to make some peace (of some sort) with the inescapable fact that they will be orgasm-fuel for gay boys across the globe. Indeed, some of the same boys who do “surly” so well also model in clearly gay-themed campaigns for designer underwear (and there’s no self-respecting straight boy who’s combing through magazines looking for a hot guy tugging at his designer underwear in order to get inspiration for what he should wear…. expect for, perhaps, the aforementioned congressman). But speaking of the congressman, when you put out an explicitly gay-unfriendly political platform and pander to moneybags with a penchant for demonizing the gays, AND you oil up your pecs and pose shirtless in “Men’s Health,” then I’m feeling a little more confident about the backstory I’m going to read into that work of art.

Not a Shock

Crazy busy in my life for another two weeks, but I have to take note today of the pics of the Republican Congressman from Illinois who is featured bare-chested (and what a chest!) on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine. Aaron Shock has been selected as America’s fittest Congressman. Those of us who keep track of such things will also remember the homophobic response Representative Shock had to being teased for wearing a belt in a magazine pic that “made him look gay.” He jokes these days that he burned that belt. He also reminded everyone how very not-gay he is by criticizing the President’s decision to stop judicial defense of the so-called “Defense of Marriage Act.”

Uh-huh. You can’t see my eyes rolling right now. Notice the look of petulant irritation on his face in both of these Men’s Health pics, as if he knows full well that these male fitness mags are awfully popular as pre-porn with all the gay boys (at least, that’s why I scarfed them up with such enthusiasm as a teenager). It’s as if he’s pumped up and displaying his rippled abs and massive pecs against his will, stepping into so many gay boy’s sexual fantasies entirely involuntarily. My incredulity about a straight politician with a zero-bodyfat personal trainer body is about equal to my arousal in admiring those meaty round pecs of his. When he gives us the dramatic big reveal in a few years, acknowledging that he’s harbored the love that must not be named all along, I won’t bear a grudge (at least not one that can’t be settled in the ring).

Aaron… oh, Aaron. Like a good little cub doing daddy’s bidding, Aaron manages to twist his rocking abs and infinitely clawable pecs into an object lesson in the virtues of conservative politics, advocating for “personal responsibility and planning ahead” (read: the poor, the sick, the unemployed deserve to suffer without the aid of social welfare). It’s the same classist claptrap that we’ve heard for decades (centuries, really), just wrapped up in a much, much, much more attractive package deliberately designed to distract us from the content of his message. This all brings to mind a joint effort that I worked on with Bearhugs this winter, when we wrote a fictional wrestling encounter entitled “Threesome” over in Sidelineland. Threesome stars Adam, a fictional character who is a conservative operative, a staff member of a social conservative congressman in DC who’s a closet case with a gorgeous body and devastating good looks. By day, he winks at the housewives and makes political conservatism seem sexy. By night, he cruises the gay clubs looking for some muscle bottoms to pass the time. Adam gets himself in a little deeper than he expects, one night, as a threesome takes him home for rougher fun than he counted on.

Wouldn’t it be a “shock” to discover that a young, hot, ripped coverboy conservative congressman gets caught up in the same wrestling and bondage fetish trap? No, I agree with you. It wouldn’t be a shock at all.