My last night in Toronto for Wrestlefest, I had the unexpected pleasure of meeting Ollie Watts. I didn’t get to enjoy much time with the stunningly handsome, slyly charming hunk, but I did get some fanboy pics and permission to post about it here. In our discussion back and forth, in which I insisted that Ollie is, most definitely, a wrestling star, he mentioned in passing that his favorite match, his “best work,” was one of his most recent ones, wrestling Nero the Beast for UKWrestlingHub.com. I love the idea of reviewing a match that a wrestler thinks of as his best work!
I’ve seen clips of UKWH matches for quite a while, with it’s unmistakably idiosyncratic black ring and day glow green wrestling ropes. I follow, and have interacted with, several UKWH wrestlers on social media. Everything I’ve seen, and every interaction I’ve had, has had a fun, playful vibe, dancing back and forth across the line of pro wrestling kayfabe and snarky gay attitude. But Nero the Beast vs. Ollie Watts was my first UKWH download.
I haven’t followed the entire through-story (though, fuck, I LOVE a through-story), but apparently Nero the Beast (aka Bruno LaBestia aka Bruno the Beast) arrived in Birmingham and started tearing through the UKWH roster like only an ugly American can (metaphorically speaking… Nero’s honestly handsome as fuck). This included “stealing” (Ollie’s words) the UKWH championship belt, and declaring himself champion. As the 15-minute match opens, Nero is pretty much making out with the championship belt. He’s congratulating himself and talking about the belt like it’s his girlfriend. “I’m here with my sweet honey, just admiring her pretty little stars,” he says, giving the belt a flirtatious boop.
So entranced is Nero, that he doesn’t pay due diligence when Ollie gets close enough to pound a knee into the champ’s balls. “Just like Americans,” Ollie muses on cultural stereotypes, “to come and take things that aren’t theirs.” Ollie is sensational when he’s pitching. His trash talk is coldly polished and razor sharp. After suplexing Nero and rolling on top of him in a schoolboy, he slaps down a delightfully backhanded compliment. “This is what you’re good at. Being the pretty face that gets the shit kicked out of him.” He chains together sensationally dominating holds. Wrenching The Beast into a sick camel clutch, he nearly rips Nero’s handsome face off, using every single finger to fishhook the American’s smart mouth. Putting on his best (really bad) American accent, he mocks the muscle packed petite powerhouse. ““O, look at me,” he deadpans. “I’m the champion. I’m 5’5. I’m just a leprechaun that ate steroids.” He’s sadistic and relentless in that diabolical way that makes you think Nero should be saying “please” and “thank you” to him when Ollie’s gas pedaling his balls.
Nero is personality-forward in a way I don’t think I’ve really seen before. He’s all in as The Beast, snarling and sniffing and licking lovely Ollie like a dog with a bone. When he interrupts Ollie’s devastating offense and pushes the reset button, he wrangles in those slightly unhinged eccentricities to recenter on defending his belt. “Calm, peaceful thoughts,” he mutters to himself, apparently silencing some voices in his head. “We’re going to talk this out like gentlemen,” he says, casually walking across the ring and grabbing Ollie by the throat. All of that restrained, gentlemanly shit talk from Ollie comes back to haunt him. Nero chokes him out in the day glow green ropes. He wedgies Ollie’s yellow trunks way high up his ass as he tosses him around like a practice dummy. “Aren’t you pretty?” Nero muses (and the answer to the rhetorical question is absolutely, yes, Ollie is pretty). He musses the Brit’s hair as he uses Ollie’s own arms to choke himself. “I’m going to keep you as a pet,” Nero declares, almost affectionately. “What’s a good name? Sparky? Rex? I’m going to have to break you in first, though.”
The breaking in part is intense, turning more and more erotic by the second as Ollie can’t defend himself. “Maybe I need to give you a bath. How would you like that,” Nero asks, possessively stroking and pawing at the dazed beauty. He claws Ollie’s balls and smothers him with his armpit in a super sexy dragon sleeper. Ollie’s designs may have been to recapture the UKWH championship for the UK, but as the match is careening to a decisive end, there’s a whole lot more at stake. Ollie’s facing down the threat/promise of being forced to wear a pink collar and be leashed by his new Daddy Nero.
It’s a hot 15 minutes, and the download includes a couple of tasty previews of other UKWH matches. I’m old enough to remember when ordering wrestling across national borders was a bit of a pain in the ass, but the site and the purchase were easy and fast. I have to say that the ring is way small, and it clearly limits the athleticism and improvisation that these two seasoned wrestlers have (I know I’m not the first point that out). I’ve seen clips from other UKWH matches in a larger ring that looks a little more conventional, and I bet the playful and clever vibe, managing to not take itself too seriously AND somehow sell heated competition, plays even better with more square footage for the wrestlers to work with. It’s definitely not overly produced, and with a couple of seriously clever, confident salesmen like these two, it’s not underproduced either. Fifteen continuous minutes of a story about a hot rivalry, laced with cultural insensitivity and cross-border stereotypes that make me laugh and think (just a little). Gentleman vs. gentleman brute… with suspense laced throughout about which is which.
I can see why Ollie’s proud of this. He looks hot as hell and he does an incredible job dishing it out and taking it. He’s rightfully chastised by Nero for digging his wedgied trunks out of his ass (“Oh, don’t fix that! That was the best part!”). But other than that, I have no complaints at all about handsome, clever Ollie’s self-curated best effort at defending UK pride. And, on behalf of all of the Americans who have surely earned such a low estimation from you, I sincerely apologize!
So, what about the rest of you hot wrestlers who’ve put yourself out there to entertain and titillate us? What’s your favorite match from your catalog?
Sidelineland 