Imagine, if you will, a video game featuring a young, acrobatic hero who can climb sheer walls, dodge flying swords and reverse the flow of time in his battle against the forces of supernatural evil. Now picture our young hero progressively loosing items of clothing over the course of his journey, while he simultaneously grows beefier and studlier with each herculean task he conquers. What sort of game designer comes up with a scenario like that?
My kind of game designer comes up with a scenario like that! And thank God that there are my kind of puppet-masters in Hollywood ready to take the obviously erotic text of the video game, Prince of Persia, and translate it onto the big screen. On Memorial day weekend, we’ll have the opportunity to finally see the long-hyped film, Prince of Persia: Sands of Time starring the beefiest we’ll ever see Jake Gyllenhaal.
Pics from the set have been “leaked” periodically, displaying fine, fine (fine) young Jake back in the day when he was still holding hands with Reese Witherspoon (and in my imagination, that’s as far as it ever went). Sweaty, hairy chested, long-haired Jake is quite the sight to behold.
Now that production stills are trickling out, the hits just keep on coming! The detail is poor, but I get the impression that those pants are painted on. The hair on this chest and abdomen are, frankly, perfection in my book. And the hair on his head is built to order for grabbing a handhold to toss the stunning specimen across the ring. If his extensions pop out, they’d have to get stuffed humiliatingly in his mouth… it’s just what would have to happen…
The story of Jake getting into this amazing shape has been newsworthy all on its own. His sword-work in the park (and haven’t we’ve all been there!?), his intense work out regimen, the diet that slices a man down to no body fat… I was astonished to find that there’s an entire supporting cast in this movie. I wonder if I’ll notice them when I actually see the flick.
Jake has cautioned that he’s not going to stay in this shape, so we should soak it in deeply while we can. There’s nothing wrong with pre-Prince Jake in the least. I get the impression he’s always been pretty pleased with his own body. But the iconic status of Brokeback Jake is momentarily enhanced by the demigod status of the Prince of Persia, at least in my mind. Transport that body back to that tent in the Montana high country, with Ennis and Jack’s homoerotic/self-hating mix of violence and sex, and my fantasy life is fueled for some time to come. Can’t wait till Memorial Day!
Sidelineland 
Great title! I just hope this movie is realistic and historically accurate, meaning I hope Jake gets into a naked fight with an oiled-up Chaldean assassin, and they both get hard, and Jake beats the assassin and takes it out on his firm round ass, because that's exactly the sort of problems ancient Persians had to deal with every day.
Thanks, and truer words never spoken. If the plot of the movie fails to follow the essential elements that you've presented here, I will be bitterly disappointed.