I’m venturing into a highly controversial topic today, I realize. I fully expect the hating to begin the moment after many of you read this. But it’s on my mind, and I simply have to name it.
A beautiful man who loves his dog is incredibly hot. A hunk with other animals simply doesn’t do it for me. George Clooney and a pot-bellied pig is more creepy than sexy to me. And don’t get me started on cats. But a gorgeous man with a dog gets his sexy-quotient (SQ) multiplied by at least 10. If he’s shirtless as he’s walking his dog, like Orlando Bloom here, his SQ is multiplied by 20. If it’s a terrier, I have to adjust myself.
The dog-factor in the SQ is pretty indiscriminate. Just love a dog, and a hunk get’s an SQ boost. But some hunks are seriously into their dogs. David Duchovny, the voice of Pedigree, takes pet companionship extremely seriously. He can be bundled up in his puffy coat and skull cap, but seeing him patiently walking his dog down the sidewalk makes him as irresistible as if he was naked. I know he’s a recovering sex-addict, but I’ve got to admit I’d throw that in a restroom stall and loiter till I’m exhausted (not that I ever do that…).
Justin Theroux, who is far, far more talented and beautiful than his credits would suggest, is a dog advocate and hardbody hunk who makes me sit up and bark. He’s already appeared in my wrestling fantasies, but with his dog stretched across his lap, I’m feeling desperate for some obedience training. My fantasy wrestling match between Justin and Michael C. Hall is one of my favorites for the overlap of wrestling, body worship, and the fight for dominance.
Some gorgeous men hardly need the extra push to put them over the lust-line. As if Hugh Jackman could get any more desirable, his family dog clutched under one arm makes me swoon. In my wrestling fiction, I’ve featured Hugh getting ripped apart by Daniel Craig, but finding no evidence that Daniel is a dog-guy, I’m thinking Hugh could have an edge in a rematch. Any man who’s had to learn how to be alpha dog in his own home has to have an edge in a fight over one who hasn’t learned the art of canine dominance training.
Some hunks are definitely pushed across the line of lustworthiness for me by knowing that a dog loves them. I go back and forth with Zachary Quinto. Some days, his round, round ass and long lean body make me pant. Some days, not so much. These days, knowing that he walks his Irish Wolfhound in flip flops, and I’m entirely in the fan category. He’s simply got to make an appearance in my wrestling fiction soon. Not that he’ll necessarily win, but win or lose, he’s the stuff of my fantasies.
Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake… the list goes on and on. Not every hunk of my dreams is a dog person. But those that are dog lovers turn me on even more than they otherwise would. To have a dog in your life suggests to me a maturity, a patience, and a deep understanding of what it means to have to prove your dominance by putting someone else on their back until they submit. And that is what it’s all about.
Imagine, if you will, a video game featuring a young, acrobatic hero who can climb sheer walls, dodge flying swords and reverse the flow of time in his battle against the forces of supernatural evil. Now picture our young hero progressively loosing items of clothing over the course of his journey, while he simultaneously grows beefier and studlier with each herculean task he conquers. What sort of game designer comes up with a scenario like that?
My kind of game designer comes up with a scenario like that! And thank God that there are my kind of puppet-masters in Hollywood ready to take the obviously erotic text of the video game, Prince of Persia, and translate it onto the big screen. On Memorial day weekend, we’ll have the opportunity to finally see the long-hyped film, Prince of Persia: Sands of Time starring the beefiest we’ll ever see Jake Gyllenhaal.
Pics from the set have been “leaked” periodically, displaying fine, fine (fine) young Jake back in the day when he was still holding hands with Reese Witherspoon (and in my imagination, that’s as far as it ever went). Sweaty, hairy chested, long-haired Jake is quite the sight to behold.
Now that production stills are trickling out, the hits just keep on coming! The detail is poor, but I get the impression that those pants are painted on. The hair on this chest and abdomen are, frankly, perfection in my book. And the hair on his head is built to order for grabbing a handhold to toss the stunning specimen across the ring. If his extensions pop out, they’d have to get stuffed humiliatingly in his mouth… it’s just what would have to happen…
The story of Jake getting into this amazing shape has been newsworthy all on its own. His sword-work in the park (and haven’t we’ve all been there!?), his intense work out regimen, the diet that slices a man down to no body fat… I was astonished to find that there’s an entire supporting cast in this movie. I wonder if I’ll notice them when I actually see the flick.
Jake has cautioned that he’s not going to stay in this shape, so we should soak it in deeply while we can. There’s nothing wrong with pre-Prince Jake in the least. I get the impression he’s always been pretty pleased with his own body. But the iconic status of Brokeback Jake is momentarily enhanced by the demigod status of the Prince of Persia, at least in my mind. Transport that body back to that tent in the Montana high country, with Ennis and Jack’s homoerotic/self-hating mix of violence and sex, and my fantasy life is fueled for some time to come. Can’t wait till Memorial Day!