I’m venturing into a highly controversial topic today, I realize. I fully expect the hating to begin the moment after many of you read this. But it’s on my mind, and I simply have to name it.
A beautiful man who loves his dog is incredibly hot. A hunk with other animals simply doesn’t do it for me. George Clooney and a pot-bellied pig is more creepy than sexy to me. And don’t get me started on cats. But a gorgeous man with a dog gets his sexy-quotient (SQ) multiplied by at least 10. If he’s shirtless as he’s walking his dog, like Orlando Bloom here, his SQ is multiplied by 20. If it’s a terrier, I have to adjust myself.
The dog-factor in the SQ is pretty indiscriminate. Just love a dog, and a hunk get’s an SQ boost. But some hunks are seriously into their dogs. David Duchovny, the voice of Pedigree, takes pet companionship extremely seriously. He can be bundled up in his puffy coat and skull cap, but seeing him patiently walking his dog down the sidewalk makes him as irresistible as if he was naked. I know he’s a recovering sex-addict, but I’ve got to admit I’d throw that in a restroom stall and loiter till I’m exhausted (not that I ever do that…).
Justin Theroux, who is far, far more talented and beautiful than his credits would suggest, is a dog advocate and hardbody hunk who makes me sit up and bark. He’s already appeared in my wrestling fantasies, but with his dog stretched across his lap, I’m feeling desperate for some obedience training. My fantasy wrestling match between Justin and Michael C. Hall is one of my favorites for the overlap of wrestling, body worship, and the fight for dominance.
Some gorgeous men hardly need the extra push to put them over the lust-line. As if Hugh Jackman could get any more desirable, his family dog clutched under one arm makes me swoon. In my wrestling fiction, I’ve featured Hugh getting ripped apart by Daniel Craig, but finding no evidence that Daniel is a dog-guy, I’m thinking Hugh could have an edge in a rematch. Any man who’s had to learn how to be alpha dog in his own home has to have an edge in a fight over one who hasn’t learned the art of canine dominance training.
Some hunks are definitely pushed across the line of lustworthiness for me by knowing that a dog loves them. I go back and forth with Zachary Quinto. Some days, his round, round ass and long lean body make me pant. Some days, not so much. These days, knowing that he walks his Irish Wolfhound in flip flops, and I’m entirely in the fan category. He’s simply got to make an appearance in my wrestling fiction soon. Not that he’ll necessarily win, but win or lose, he’s the stuff of my fantasies.
Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake… the list goes on and on. Not every hunk of my dreams is a dog person. But those that are dog lovers turn me on even more than they otherwise would. To have a dog in your life suggests to me a maturity, a patience, and a deep understanding of what it means to have to prove your dominance by putting someone else on their back until they submit. And that is what it’s all about.
I’m continuing to dig the latest season of Californication. Unlike the first season, and completely opposite of the second season, I actually feel some empathy for David Duchovny’s character. Also, it can’t hurt that, as I’ve mentioned before, David has clearly been pounding the gym. Seriously beautiful bod…
The naked women everywhere is not my thing. The premise for this show is so misogynistic, though, that the naked chicks are completely backgrounded (I’m not saying I’m proud, but satisfied that this is the case). They don’t entirely kill my buzz from the sight of David’s rippled abs and round pecs. Women? What women? I only had eyes for Special Agent Fox Mulder… oh, I mean, David Duchovny.
I must admit to being a little perplexed by the “character” of Rick Springfield, cleverly played by Rick Springfield. Ummm…. isn’t that Rick Springfield cleverly playing the character of David Duchovny? The hot stud hearthrob from half a generation earlier who is still fucking everything in sight and having women (and men, I’m sure) throwing themselves at him all the time… isn’t that the story of the sex addicted David Duchovny in real life? If for no other reason, I find Rick Springfield creepy in these past few episodes because it seems like a parody of David. And I have other reasons. He’s a sleazeball who can’t keep his dick out of any vagina in sight (creepy). It’s treated like a running joke that he’s a sleazeball, which makes it more creepy. Whatever they call this device of having real stars play (good God I hope) fictionalized caricatures of themselves (I’m also picturing the straight, drug-addled Neil Patrick Harris in Harold and Kumar), I find it creepy. I vote for less Rick Springfield naked and more David Duchovny naked.
I’ve lusted after David Duchovny ever since Fox Mulder sulked into my heart in the very first season of X-Files. I was so excited that David was coming back to TV when Californication launched a couple of years ago. I watched the first season, despite the many XX chromosomes over-exposed all over the place and graphic talk about the simulated sex acts with women that really, really (really) doesn’t interest me. Still, David’s naked body frequently on display was enough to keep me tuning in.
The second season totally turned me off. How completely depressing and unsympathetic can a character be before even David Duchovny’s naked body can’t keep me interested? Answer: really, really depressing and unsympathetic.
That said, I’m tentatively tuning back in for season 3, and I’m not so depressed quite so quickly. And David’s stint in “rehab” (a.k.a. his wife screaming at him for three months straight for fucking around all over the place) has turned out an even beefier studpuppy (check out these abs captured by superherofan!)
Now, can we introduce David to Michael C. Hall? Michael desperately needs to take some lessons in the art of satisfying the lustful gaze, and a fellow Showtime buddy like David is surely the man for the job. I WANT to see this shot of Dexter. Now.