Rugby veteran, LGBT ally, and all around stunning beefcake Ben Cohen is reportedly making everyone swoon on the British version of Dancing with the Stars. Damn, there’s a particularly hard to reach spot that few can scratch quite like a hot, pumped, hairy rugby hunk like Ben. He’s tagged at 6’2″ and 227 pounds, and I’ll go out on a limb and say that those precise numbers have never looked as good on another body.
This is not the first time I’ve been caught joining in the mass swoon that seems to swell in big Ben’s wake. And like every object of lust that grabs my attention, it’s guaranteed that he’s instantly transported into a homoerotic wrestling fantasy of mine.
In Ben’s case, he was featured in the “All-Stars” division of my Producer’s Ring series, competing to make the transition from sports superstar to Hollywood actor. As in every PR story I’ve written, Ben’s promise as a fan favorite actor is gauged entirely upon his capacity to both crush a homoerotic wrestling opponent and look good doing it. In Ben’s case, he faced American footballer and fashion model wannabe, Tom Brady. Brady is ridiculously pretty, which 4 times out of 5 translates to serious doom in professional wrestling (9 times out of 10 in my particular homoerotic imagination). In the imagined battle between Ben and Tom, the American has a couple of inches in height over the Rugby stud, but they’re pretty damn close to the same weight (translation: nasty, high impact battle of the big boys!). Tom is accustomed to having wealth and success shoved in his face, so imagine his surprise when it’s Ben’s meat-packed, sweaty jock strap that’s slapping the pretty boy’s cheeks. Tom mounts a modicum of offense to make this barely not a squash, but there’s nothing but big Ben pounding the living shit out of the quarterback morning, noon and night. And there’s a standing headscissors transitioning to an inverted, reverse bearhug, so counting up the fantasy favorites of mine in that match requires a calculator.
On DWTS, Ben is playing to his fan base by dancing shirtless, with a little body glitter to accentuate the sweaty lather the big boy works up on the dance floor. Sweet Jeebus, that body glitter better be edible, because if my tongue was within striking distance of that glistening, furry body and, in particular, those hypnotizing nips, Ben Cohen would be pinned to his back and licked from head to toe before he knew what hit him. UK readers, I trust you’re voting for Ben, because I’m hoping to see more shots like this in the coming weeks!