My Netflix account is only about 4 months old, but it’s earned the subscription fee back several times over. For example, I’ve been binge watching
Chuck, which I sort of lost track of when it was originally airing around the middle of season 2. The casting director needs an honorary homoerotic wrestling award for packing so much wrestling fantasy meat into one production. In a lottery-style homoerotic wrestling tournament, in which competitors draw names for their opponents in an elimination competition, who would end up in the final round, what genre of homoerotic wrestling, and who would be the Chuck Champ? I know how this celebrity homoerotic wrestling fantasy plays out in my mind. What about you? … Comment with your take
True Chuck fans immediately flashed on Stone Cold Steve Austin, who made a couple of guest appearances on Chuck as a mammoth, musclebound bad guy (what else?). However, since it’s my blog, I’m unilaterally DQing Stone Cold from this competition. His extensive ring experience makes gives him just too much of the inside track, so I’m appointing him to be the celebrity referee for this Chuck homoerotic wrestling tournament. Of course, you can decide if he’s a dirty ref or not…
White Collar/Magic Mike/Normal Heart dreamboat Matt Bomer was technically the first hunk featured on Chuck, so the ripped stud may have the jump on any other competitor. He’s 5’11’, a DILF, a ‘Mo, and a ripped piece of man meat. That may make him hard to beat!
Of course, titular character Chuck played by real-life adorkable supreme Zachary Levi may have all the momentum, considering this is, literally, all about him. He’s 6’3″, lightly muscled and totally fit, and he makes me get all weak-kneed with a full-on smile.
Adam Baldwin was the most consistent big bad beefy bear in Chuck, playing John Casey, the very epitome of a sadistic heel. He’s 6’4″ with comic book hero handsomeness, definitely more of a natural for the “Big ‘n’ Beefy” mat room genre. How would he do in an elimination, full on homoerotic tourney?
Ryan McPartlin was shirtless in pretty much every episode, and I for one want to pin the medal on the genius that insisted on copious shots of “Captain Awesome” Devon Woodcomb sweaty and working out. Yet another tall drink of handsomeness, Ryan climbs into the tournament at 6’4″, chiseled chin, 3% body fat, and a strong leaning toward a body beautiful narcissist/exhibitionist.
Brandon Routh was around for a season of Chuck, displaying occasional (aka not enough) shirtlessness, but never, ever failing to show off his gargantuan biceps. His character was a textbook babyface hero who makes a full-on, groin-grabbing heel turn that makes all that beef just that much more dangerous. He may be “merely” 6’2″ in this battle of giants, but we’ve all heard the rumors about the legendary size of the salami he carries with him everywhere, which, depending on the genre, could totally swing things his way.
A 2-episode appearance and the subject of the episode title “Chuck versus the Beefcake” earns MI6 agent Cole Barker, played by Jonathan Cake (seriously, the beefcake’s last name is Cake!) a total shot in this tourney. The entire point of his appearance in the series was to be mouthwateringly sexy, perpetually shirtless, sporting a raging hard-on and seemingly unflappable no matter how much pain is tossed his way object of red hot lust. It’s a good thing in this crowded field of giants that the muscled hunk is also 6’3″ and insanely handsome. He strikes me as precisely the type of character that puts the erotic in homoerotic wrestling, guaranteed that someone is getting fucked one way or another.
Your dark horse entry into the tournament is Chuck’s faithful sidekick, Morgan Grimes, played by 5’7″ (seriously) Joshua Gomez. I know, I know, I know. The adorkable, diminutive Gomez is way out of his league, but for those who like an extreme longshot to bet on/cum over, he’s totally worth a second look as an undercover, NHB wildcat.
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2 thoughts on “Chuck Champ – Your Call”
Interesting question. Here’s a thought …
Since there are seven guys, someone gets a bye in the tournament. That would be Chuck. It’s his show, after all.
In Round 1, little Morgan shocks an overconfident Brandon Routh with a superkick and roll up. Big heel Adam Baldwin outmuscles good guy Matt Bomer, winning with a power bomb and cocky ten-count pin. Captain Awesome overcomes the Beefcakes with a rear naked choke to end a hard-fought 30-minute match.
In Round 2, Adam Baldwin crushes Morgan, squashing him in under two-minutes and winning with a one-finger pin. Captain Awesome’s skill and power leads him past Chuck, winning with a Boston crab.
In the finals, Adam Baldwin heels the fan favorite Captain Awesome. The beefier stud is fresher, going through two easier rounds than Awesome. After some initial back and forth, the hairy heel takes control of the match, but can’t put the resilient face away. The smooth face eventually turns the tables, heading to victory before the big man rakes the eyes then unleashes a series of power moves, finishing the handsome Captain with a devastating power bomb that leads to a pin, hook of the leg and the 1-2-3.
Baldwin takes it, but he gets a little too mouthy about being the toughest guy to ever appear on the show. Steve Austin takes offense, so he gives the hairy “champ” a kick to the gut then knocks him out with a stone cold stunner. Austin gives the unconscious Chuck champ two parting middle fingers before heading to the showers with Captain Awesome, where they’re joined by the other guys.
Genius! I have Captain Awesome in my final as well. Love Stone Cold’s intervention!