I’m on vacation, which means three things: road tripping to visit the fam, reading post-apocalyptic dystopia novels, and binge-watching HGTV. The third one on that list is the most relevant to this blog, so let me revisit a topic I’ve touched on often: home improvement hunks who ought to be homoerotic wrestlers. It’s not as if it’s accidental that this long line up of designers, contractors and carpenters on HGTV all just happen to be gorgeous hunks. The channel is selling male sex appeal, igniting all sorts of blue collar fantasies, and begging for us to give a flying fuck about miter joints while we’re picturing the power-tool wielding hotties peeling out of their sweat soaked, skin tight clothes and climbing into the wrestling ring. Okay, okay, they probably don’t have a wrestling ring explicitly in mind, but you know for a fact that they are banking on the erotic imagination to get way more mileage out of any of these home improvement hunks than their carpentry skills or interior designs alone really merit. So my picturing these studs and their hammers as homoerotic wrestling gladiators seems not just appropriate, but downright demanded by an industry pitching hot men to a gay audience with an active imagination. So here are my picks of HGTV hunks who, in a better world than this one, would be homoerotic wrestlers.
At the top of my HGTV homoerotic wrestler rankings is Elbow Room’s Chip Wade. As an all-in homoerotic wrestler, this personal trainer/contractor would be a fabulous babyface champ. I picture him in powder blue low-rise speedos (in which his muscled bubble butt spills out over the top), and matching mid-calf boots. Chip is dispositionally incapable of believing that his massive muscles can be overpowered by any opponent. His go-to moves are standing drop kicks and full nelsons, but he insists on finishing opponents off by racking them across his huge shoulders and airplane spinning them helplesslessly in the middle of the ring until they submit. He appreciates his fans, so as he flexes over the battered bodies of his wasted foes in victory, he smiles into the camera and dedicates each pose to a particular fan. His naked ass is a bounty among the heels in competition, but thus far he’s managed to come out on top and keep his trunks on in every match.
Anthony Carrino is the top contender for the title of champion home improvement homoerotic wrestling hunk. One half of the Kitchen Cousins tag team champions, big Anthony is the power hitter anchor of that team. With a George Clooney face and a gay porn star body, he’s a brutal battler who oozes erotic aggression in black trunks leather armbands, and mid-calf shiny black boots. He’s dominant in the ring, and when he’s not getting riding time, those bedroom eyes and a seductive brush of his lips invariably leave opponents distracted, aroused, and wide open for bone rattling reversals of fortune. His forearm chops rattle brains senseless, and the handsome hunk has a penchant for trapping opponents in the ropes to alternate between bashing and stroking them to submission. He’s a rough heel whose signature finisher is a forced to flex/forced to cum double hitter, and he’s made it known his number one goal in life is ripping Chip Wade’s speedos off at the seams and riding that muscle ass for days.
David Bromstad is ranked #3 in homoerotic wrestling competition. He’s got a baby face and bulging muscles and an all consuming fetish for shoving his hand down the back of an opponent’s trunks in order to grab their balls from behind and control them like a ventriloquist dummy. He wrestles hard in neon green designer briefs, fully aroused from the moment the bell rings, which, sure, both raises the erotic tension and paints a gargantuan bullseye on his roaring cock for opponents to target with abuse, but when I say “gargantuan target,” I mean gargantuan. Many an opponent have been downright mesmerized by the mammoth monster irrepressibly poking its head over the top of his trunks, and once mesmerized, Bromstad relishes busting an opponents back across his thigh in an OTK backbreaker while grinding the poor fuck’s balls in his fist. Once he’s worn his opponent into an limp rag, he finishes them off by climbing to the top turnbuckle and doing a back flip “Color Splash*” across their wide open, vulnerable bodies.
Hitting my rankings at #4 is hotty Scotty McGillivray. I’ve lusted after this Canadian bro beefcake before, and as I’ve mused here in the past, I picture Scotty as a brutally earnest babyface with an overinflated sense of justice. White boots, knee pads, boots, the floppy-haired boy scout is a high flyer, off the turnbuckles, walking the ropes, body blocks flying through the ropes to pummel opponents sneaking a breather outside the ring. His schtick is beating the shit out of an opponent and, while they’re still able to stand on their own two feet, forcing a sophie’s choice on them, typically either facing a joint wrenching screaming submission or getting sleepered out cold and stripped naked. He has a weakness for getting his ass handed to him by other babyface brawlers, but he seems to really rise to the occasion when he gets the chance to sink his claws into a naughty, naughty heel.
John Colaneri is both one half of the tag team champions the Kitchen Cousins and in possession of #5 in my rankings of the home improvement homoerotic wrestling hunks. Colaneri wrestles in black square cuts, knee pads and matching low wrestling boots. Frequently overshadowed by his muscle pounding cousin, he battles like a wildcat in singles competition to prove he’s a contender. His lightening fast, high impact offense of snap suplexes and pounding whips into the corners are devastating. Without his tag team partner’s back-up, he can overextend himself, burning his engine on full throttle until he’s out of gas in the home stretch. But when he does best the competition, which is often, the handsome hunk gets off on pec-smothering his battered opponents out cold, and when I say he gets off on it, I mean he gets off on it!
Drew Scott is half of the Property Brothers tag team, which is in a bitter fued with the Kitchen Cousins for the team title. In singles competition, Drew is the stand out between the terrifying identifcal twins, blending narcissist self-worship with a fierce sadistic fetish that scores him a #6 ranking. The long, lean body facist wrestles in extremely brief metalic gold low rise trunks. His go-to moves are anything and everything underhanded, but he insists on topping opponent’s off with a spine snapping, above board Boston crab. A Drew Scott victory is never complete, however, until he’s battered an opponent into such total submission that the loser obediently worships the tall, muscled climber to a cock sucking climax. Drew’s tendancy to count an opponent out a little too soon, too eger to get worshipped and sucked, can often leave him open for an opponent to pull victory from the jaws of defat.
Ranked #7, Mike Holmes is the bear daddy extraordinaire of the roster, one half of the daddy-son (literally) Holmes & Son tag team with his twink pup Mike, Jr. Mike (Sr.) is the former long-time champion, owning the singles belt and the competition with a brutal combination of muscle and ring savvy. The former champ who wrestles in a navy blue singlet saw his star start to fall back to earth when his ego took some nasty beatings in tag team competition, including a particularly vicious defeat at the hands of the Kitchen Cousins who tied big daddy in the corner and forced him to watch Jr. stripped naked, trussed up in the opposite corner, and forced to jack off with big Anthony’s power tool pounding the back of his throat. Mike (Sr.) was infamous for his power slams and face-sitting pec claws, but it was his classic piledriver finisher that fans and opponents alike associate with the former champ. Can the bear daddy get his mojo back, or will Jr.’s weak link in tag team competition keep him spiraling to the bottom of the heap?
Underwear model turned electrician turned kitchen makeover maven Marc Bartolomeo dazzles his way into a #8 ranking in the home improvement homerotic wrestling hunk roster. Hung like a horse, the Italian dreamboat wrestles in a thong with an extra large pouch, because most wrestling gear just can’t measure up to the man meat Marc is packing. Bordering on becoming a full-on jobber, Marc has scored some suprising victories to stay a legitimate contender. However there’s been serious locker room debate about whether his conquests have thrown their matches in order to experience a Bartolomeo-special post-match fuck bent over the top ropes. His offense is limited to long, juicy endurance holds like pec suckling side headlocks and skull crushing face-to-crotch headscissors.
Bringing up (and most often taking it up) the rear at #9, Jason Cameron is one of the biggest and best built home improvement homoerotic wrestling hunks. He wrestles in candy apple red classic pro trunks and black boots. Barely able to manage remaining a contender, the long-time muscle jobber rocked the roster with a shocking upset over the former champ, Mike Holmes, to put him on the map. Jason leans on body slams and gut busters to beat the fight out of his opponents. The emerging contender is so new to the victory circle that he hasn’t really established a feature finisher, but his big, burly full-boner bearhug that wrung victory from Holmes certainly made a big impression on fans.
*Credit to Bruno for the concept of David Bromstad’s signature wrestling finisher being his “Color Splash.” Bruno put that out their in the comments to this blog years ago when I brought up the idea of a home improvement homoerotic wrestling hunks roster.