It says something that my review of Wrestler4Hire’s KARN vs. Flash LaCash match has taken me three days to write. Specifically what it says is that I keep getting interrupted by orgasms.
Flash, I’ve seen half a dozen times, and I find him sexier every time I see him. I’ve admired KARN in still frame for quite some time, but this is somehow my first chance to see him in action. Some of W4H’s roster profiles are extensive, almost existential in contemplation of the character, strengths, and flaws of a wrestler. KARN’s profile just says, “Dark, Sexy, Bad Boy.” What more do you need to say, really?
There’s a lot of provocative mystery about KARN Alexander. For example, why are all the letters in his first name capitalized? How tall is he? By inference and cross reference, I’m guessing he’s around 6’1″ or 6’2″ since he looks a shade taller than Flash in this match, and at BGE Flash is listed at 5’11”. But that’s mostly guesswork. The hot, hard facts are that he looks luxuriously long, sensationally muscled, and built for punishment.
Having watched this match from start to finish, I think KARN is essentially what we’d get if Michael Phelps took up homoerotic pro wrestling (yes. please.). He has a deep, bass voice and a ruggedly handsome face that very well could be the most expressive face in pro wrestling. He has lean legs and a long, ripped lower torso that makes his huge pecs and mountainous shoulders look somehow disproportionately massive, which is sort of how I read Michael Phelps, as well. And the most provocative reveal of this W4H match against Flash LaCash is the fact that KARN is, apparently, a highly accomplished erotic dancer.
I buy it. Fuck, I’d buy season tickets for the club where KARN takes off his clothes while swiveling his narrow hips. The tone of the opening scene is a little over the top, sort of comic book comical, with the dark, sexy bad boy in a vest, tie, wrestling trunks and boots, practicing his
striptease dance moves. The tone throughout the match is similarly just over the top, as Flash asks for dance lessons and gets a whole lot more than he bargained for.
I’m familiar with Flash as an unstoppable pro heel machine from his work at BGE, so seeing him get manhandled and pounded like an impotent bitch against a bigger, more confident, more cocky ring master gives me a special buzz all its own. I’m sort of expecting heel Flash to come screaming out, even as he admiringly asks KARN to join him in the ring and show him some dance moves. But no, Flash seems to sincerely want to break into the erotic dance biz. And, for the record, I’d buy season tickets for that, as well.
“It’s all about exposing the body,” KARN explains as he slowly, seductively unbuttons his vest. “Why don’t you try one of these right here,” he offers, lacing his fingers behind his head and slowly swiveling his narrow hips. Flash gives it a self-conscious try, but his teacher is quick to point out his shortcomings. “No, no, no, you’ve got to have better form. Get it all the way out there,” he demonstrates again, exaggerating the forward thrust of his bulging crotch.
When Flash tries to tackle the second lesson (finger snapping pelvic thrusts), KARN abruptly drops him with a sucker knee lift to the gut. “You think you’re going to just come in here and take my spotlight away!?” KARN snaps. “I don’t think so!”
What follows dances metaphorically along the straight edge of pro wrestling combat and slightly humorous performance art. The boys never break character, but they also never quite shake the sense of a junior high skit when it comes to following through on the erotic dancer lesson shtick. “You’re not going to be a great dancer without any legs!” KARN snarls, using those fabulously long, strong legs of his to lock down a fantastic figure-4 leglock. “You’re going to break my leg!” Flash protests. “How am I supposed to dance with a broken fucking leg?!” With that devilish smile, KARN replies, “You’re going to have to figure that one out.”
The marriage of homoerotic pro wrestling and male erotic dancing is time honored, and KARN brings some sweet innovation to connect those dots. “I just wanted to see some moves,” Flash whimpers, struggling for air with KARN kneeling behind him tightening up a choke hold. “Some moves, huh?” KARN considers. Suddenly he throws another one of those delicious pelvic thrusts, pounding his crotch solidly into the middle of Flash’s muscled back. A cock hammer to the back might not be the most debilitating pro wrestling move, but the look of shocked agony on Flash’s face sells me that KARN’s hammer swings just fine. “How about that move!?” KARN asks.
There’s a lot of dialogue. I know some fans find that annoying, but I’ve got a long record of finding cocky, clever trash talk very much value added. “You still want to dance?” KARN asks, jerking Flash back and forth in a bearhug like a rag doll. “Dance for me!” he orders, and the personal note to that command makes swoon. When he suddenly swings his protege around and squeezes into place a reverse bearhug, another one of those crowd pleasing pelvic thrusts to Flash’s rock hard ass makes me cry out louder than Flash. “Ahhhh,” KARN groans with pleasure, “there we go!”
Production wise, there is some off camera conversation in the background, like a low buzz the last half of the match, which is a little distracting, but not loud enough to actually hear whatever is being said. I believe there’s just one camera cut in the entire 29 minute match, which is pretty fucking incredible when you think about it. The one camera cut is in service to getting the camera in position for some sensational close ups of the muscle crunching action, so I’m all on board for that. When KARN suddenly scoops Flash up and twists him into place, cradled in his arms, holding him there, I feel like I’m close enough to stretch out my tongue and lick the sweat from the crevice between KARN’s lush pecs. Then he pounds Flash’s lower back down onto his knee, and both magnificent physiques fill the frame beautifully.
“How did you like that move?” KARN asks even as he’s prying his opponent backward across his thigh. “I put a little spin on that.” Still clinging precariously to the erotic dance lesson narrative, Flash gasps (still racked backward in that OTK, mind you), “Do you think I’ll be able to spin like that one day?” KARN thinks about it a second, still shoving downward on Flash’s chin and knee, “Possibly, but not likely. Nobody can spin like I can.”
This is a lot of nearly non-stop pro wrestling packed into 29 minutes. W4H members can watch it in the Member Videos section for now, and if you enjoy handsome, tall, sensationally fit muscle boys going at it, even half as much as I do, this is one to watch. It’s a squash, mind you, which I’m in the mood for relatively rarely. But there’s something about the boys commitment to narrative, the male erotic dancer run amok scenario, that grabs me and holds me just right.
And I just need to say it again. Fuck. Me. Karn Alexander is insanely sexy. I know not everyone is into tats like I am, but as for me, his ink sleeve is gorgeous and the tats on both arms show off his bulging biceps to perfection. I’d love to see him in trunks with about 2 inches lower rise across his lower abdomen, but otherwise, he is a pro wrestling fantasy man dream for me. I don’t know if Flash will ever get his groove on to strip for tips, but the next time KARN swings on a pole at a gay club in the Northeast, I’m draining my bank account for cash to stuff down his pouch!
2 thoughts on ““It’s all about exposing the body””
Very cool to see a new side of Flash. After watching his match vs. Van Skyler, he became my new favorite heel of the moment, so this reversal of his role should be interesting to see. It definitely makes me like him more tnat he’s even willing to do the job.