I thought I’d better post something before someone prematurely starts writing my obituary. I’m still adjusting to offline changes in my life, but I’m also happily carving out stolen moments here and there to enjoy watching hot wrestling. My thanks to those who periodically check-in when you notice I’m quiet for a while. It’s always nice to be missed. And a big word of humble gratitude to man-of-my-dreams Scott Williams who not only noticed my absence, not only dropped a comment on the blog asking how I’m doing, but also let me know that he’s thinking about arranging an opportunity for me to see him wrestle in person.
Fuck, that’ll bring me back from death’s doorstep anytime. Honestly, if you ever find me in cardiac arrest, skip the CPR and just get Scott Williams on the line letting me know when and where I can get a live show of him making Ty Alexander cry and beg. I guarantee you that’ll be an instant miracle cure.
If you know me, you know I’ve got opinions piling up about the best and brightest new releases that have come out over the past couple of months. While I’m assembling my thoughts and trying to sort through a backlog of reviews, this post is mostly just to let you know I’m still kicking. And in that spirit, here are some hot, decisive kicks that make my heart beat harder.
The Best of BG East in 2016 has already been announced! Damn, that was fast. Clearly, I get into awards season heavily, so of course I need to debrief.
Biff’s ascendancy to the throne as Top Babyface is a remarkable rise for last year’s Debut of the Year winner. Seriously, we’ve been lusting after this gorgeous muscle man for less than two years! And just like that, he steps in, yanks the title from longtime title holder Jake Jenkins, and slaps JJ to the curb. There’s a reason that I let alliteration go fucking nuts when I’m talking about big, blond, blue-eyed, buff, bulging, beautiful babyfaced Biff.
With no defending title holders in the pool, Chace LaChance muscled his washboard right onto the throne as having the best abs. I had guessed that Chace might leverage his army of body worshipping fans to fill this vacuum.
Fuck, yeah! I have been arguing for years that Kid Karisma had the best body from top to bottom, and I’m thrilled that the court of public opinion has finally agreed with me. Last year’s winner, Chace, wasn’t even nominated, which certainly begs the question of who would fans want to worship more today. And there’s absolutely no other possible way to resolve this question than a jock strap wrestling match in the ring. And I STILL say Kid K’s body would rock the competition out cold.
Honestly, I’m unaccustomed to being so much in the majority when it comes to the Besties. But like me, a whole lot of the rest of you also noticed Kirk Donahue’s gargantuan bulge this year. I can think of no hotter scenario than Pete Sharp and Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!) coming back in 2017 for a 3 way bulge off.
I’m shocked and aroused to learn that Guido Genatto just got beaten by Jonny Firestorm for the title to Top Heel. I said that if anyone could do it, it would be Jonny. Guido is loud, and huge, and nasty, but Jonny just shut the Dirty Daddy up but good by taking the title.
Again, I say, fuck, yeah! At what point do we just name this the Kid Karisma award? I’m thrilled to be with the herd in getting behind (and I mean, close behind) Kid K’s glorious glutes for yet another year as Best Butt. I know of at least 2 former contenders who didn’t get nominated who are bitter as shit, but not me. I’m just leaning back, a little light headed, and soaking in the sight of the Eighth Wonder of the World, Kid K’s unsurpassed ass.
Again, I was consistent with the popular vote in calling Ty Alexander Top Jobber yet again. On the one hand, it’s a dubious distinction to be a Top Jobber repeat. No one exactly likes to lose, do they? On the other hand, a jobber of Ty’s quality can make even a train wreck of a match compelling. And I predict that if he keeps that bleach blond ‘do, he’ll get his ass spanked relentlessly yet again in 2017.
I hedged my bets big time in the Debut of the Year category, but true enough, my vote didn’t swing things Chase Addams’ way. Instead, it was one of the other hot newcomers I thought was in contention taking the title this year, rock hard Beauxregard. I love what he brings to the table, and I think all of BG East is better for it. I’m looking forward to seeing what big Beaux accomplishes in 2017.
Congratulations to Jonny and Calvin for taking the enigmatic title of Best Submission of 2016. I had my eye on another contender, but it’s not so surprising that the bad ass who just took the title as Top Heel would lock down the Best Submission follow up. And there’s no arguing that he fucking brutalizes doe eyed babyface Calvin.
A hearty congratulations to Kayden Keller and Debut of the Year winner Beauxregard on taking home the title for Sexiest Match of the year. It was a scorching hot field of contenders, and though I didn’t side with the majority on this one, there’s no denying they slapped down what was almost certainly the most explicit, sweaty, sexy assed heel on heel beatdown of the year. Well earned praise for KayK and a super hot haul for Beaux’s first year in the business.
I wasn’t playing coy with just how infatuated I was with this match, so I’m thrilled no end to see it take the Best Ring Match title. If even one of the four of these young studs was a weak link in the chain, a complex tag team melodrama like this could have easily been a dud. But every one of the wrestlers in this match earned every praise and every award it got. Now when do we get to see Team All-Americans tear into the tag team ranks again?
Kip Sorell got squashed like a bug by Flash LaCash, and fans picked it as the best of 2016. I’m generally lukewarm on this genre in general, but I get it. This is a hot match. My vote went elsewhere, but I’m so not in the mainstream when it comes to squashes in general, I’m not too surprised.
This was a close second choice for me, but I was irked not to get a chance to vote for what I thought was an even sexier Drake Marcos match. In any case, kudos to Drake and Ethan for nailing down this victory with gallons of sweat and tears and some damn fine mat wrestling. This was super competitive, brutal, and sexy as fuck.
I didn’t vote with the majority in this category, either, but there’s no denying the remarkable passion in that pumping, grinding, grunting make out session between Christian Taylor and Calvin Haynes. I’m thrilled to see both Christian and Calvin starring in multiple award winners this year. And when it comes to liplocks, really… is anyone a loser?
Chace continued to show off his blazing fan power with a win in the category of Best Spotlight. I had this as a third place on my score card, so I clearly broke with the herd. But the definition of a wrestler spotlight is fan power, so congratulations to Chace and all of the opponents who made this DVD a winner.
You don’t know how thrilled I am to see fans select the opening match of Tag Team Torture 19 as the Best Overall Match of 2016. It got universally rave reviews from all of us who take the time to blog about this stuff. I’m pleased as punch that fans were of like mind with us bloggers, and I hope it does nothing but push for more tag team matches, more selfies, and much, much more of Christian Taylor, Charlie Evans, Ty Alexander, and Chase Addams.
Congratulations to everyone who won, and to all the nominees. It was an outstanding year at BG East, precisely because everyone in front of the camera and everyone behind the camera did such an excellent job producing high quality homoerotic wrestling of that flavor that only BG East can quite manage. I would argue there are no losers here.
You only have until the end of the day Thursday to register your vote for the Best of BG East in 2016, so I’m going to power through the remaining categories for those waiting for the completion of this voter’s guide. As always, take it with a grain of salt. My opinions reflect nothing more than my opinions. Just vote. It’s supposed to be fun. All of these wrestlers are beautiful, and we’re lucky to get to enjoy their wrestling, so heap praises on all of them.
I’ve asked for clarification on this category before, but not really gotten any. The options are matches, but they aren’t all really submission matches, so the category isn’t best submission match so much. But we don’t get to vote on a particular submission within a match. I’m sure I’m over thinking it. In any case, I’ll keep my comments brief in the interest of getting through the remainder of the ballot before the polls close.
Two sensationally skilled indy pro wrestlers add up to incredible submissions. I was torn between including a photo of this Mexican Ceiling hold or Lucky’s gorgeous stretcher, hanging from the ropes and wrenching Dick every wrong way. Very top quality wrestling, with sensationally executed submissions.
The options for sensational submissions exponentiate when you throw three highly skilled indy pro veterans in the ring for a free for all. It’s hard to beat Guido’s simultaneous camel clutch on Brute and Boston Crab on Jonny for innovation and strength. This is my second favorite submission in the mix.
Submissions fly every which way between Drake and Ethan, so it’s hard to pick out just one to highlight. I’m partial to this gorgeous figure-4 face-smothering Ethan uses to put Drake out cold. Of course, two pony rides in this match sort of epitomize submission. Extremely hot back and forth in this battle.
Again, I’m not sure which one submission to highlight, but I’m pretty sure it’s one where Skip Vance is getting his skinny ass handed to him on a platter (because that’s pretty much every submission in this match). I do like everything about this particular submission hold featured here, with Paul applying scissors, a vicious hammerlock, and grinding Skip’s screaming face into the mat, all at the same time. Art, people. Art.
Again, so many options to choose from. I’ll call out Jonny’s leg choke, over the ropes, with a pec claw chaser, but I’m nearly as much a fan of the fish hook camel clutch. And the ball bashing. And the… wait. We’d better move on if I’m getting through this voter’s guide.
Now consider the submission possibilities with 4 wrestlers in the ring, often simultaneously. This is my vote for Best Submission mostly based on how blown out of the water I was by this out-of-nowhere gravity defying torture hold from debuting newbie Chase Addams. Chase calls this hold the Will Breaker, and you should hear 6’2″ Christian crumble like shattered glass when the devastating newbie trusses him up as if he’s been doing this for decades. My second favorite submission from this match is Christian and his tag team partner Charlie teaming up to squeeze a submission out of Ty Alexander with simultaneous face-to-crotch headscissors and a Boston Crab. Tag team wrestling done so, so right in this match.
Talk about open to interpretation. Actually, I suspect most of us gauge this category based on how successfully a match got us off. So that means the criteria is extremely subjective, and guessing who may win seems incredibly difficult.
Fuck, this match is sexy. Ty is nobody’s jobber in walking this pornboy through his pro wrestling paces. The match is explicitly and directly about sexual conquest from well before these two even make it to the ring. Surprisingly deep when it comes to the wrestling drama, this is an outstanding entry into the X-Fight lexicon.
Total newbie Calvin Haynes likes the look of Christian Taylor, so he initiates the hottest foreplay on the planet: wrestling. This is another erotic-forward match packed with the drama of two gorgeous, hot studs so obviously turned on by each other. The pool wrestling is brutal. The towel off is tender. And the bedroom wrestling finale is a magnificent combination of both.
At the beginning of the match, I thought this “loser gets shaved” things was a little gimmicky. About halfway through, in the middle of gallons of sweat, I was stunned by the intensity and balls out seriousness of the wrestling. By the end, this has always been about hot, steamy, lush passion, with a little side serving of tender loving to give it that sweet finish. I think this is my second place choice for Sexiest Match this year, but buckle up, because this is not the last you’ll see of Drake in this category.
That’s right, sabotaging his own success as only Drake can, he’s competing against himself for Sexiest Match in Ring Releases 4. Incredibly compelling match with equal parts scream queens, Hitchcock, and Bel Ami. My only complaint is Drake’s gear, which mercifully gets ripped off him soon enough in the match.
Hands down, the sexiest match of the year for me was Matmen 26, between Drake and Skrapper. The match is so aggressive. It’s so intense and brutal and it careens like a runaway train into sweat soaked erotic passion so authentically. I don’t think we see nearly enough full naked wrestling in this homoerotic industry, so the portion of the match that keeps charging ahead well after they both lose their gear is so satisfying. Even though I’m a big fan of both of these boys, this match took me by surprise by how totally compelling it was, and the erotic tension from start to finish is superb.
Best Ring Match
This match is what happens when you put a big, bulging pro wannabe in a ring with a bigger, more bulging, sensationally seasoned pro. The story practically tells itself, though you have to watch it to get the bait and switch that Kelly sells so remarkably successfully. Biff suffers so sensationally that it brings a tear to my eye. This is my second favorite ring match of the year.
Again, if you want an outstanding ring match, toss two extremely experienced indy pros into the BG East ring and insist they battle until one of them wins with a 10 count. Guido and Dolph classed up the place when it comes to quality ring wrestling and pro brutality. I love the grit and egos and battle of wills. Endurance sport with thoroughbreds like this is rare and gorgeous to watch.
And then there’s that magic again that you get when you toss a beefcake wrestling wannabe in the ring with a seasoned pro heel. I always, always have a bias toward homoerotic wresting that’s more homoerotic, so this is my second favorite ring match on the ballot. Bigger than life. Beautiful as hell.
Again, my vote goes to the opening match of Tag Team Torture 19. From the opening sequence in which Charlie Evans introduces himself to BG East by perfectly executing a Ginger Snap, to the corner to corner melodrama between the teams, to the magnificent intramural contest between Team Vanity to get their opponents to name which of them hurts them worse, to Chase’s Will Breaker, to this Beauty and Beast double team combo (by the good guys, no less), this match is packed with classic pro tag team wrestling with just the right amount of homoerotic flair to make me recognize it as our own.
And then there’s what comes from throwing two pretty boys who we’ve watched grow into this business tear into each other. I don’t think of either JJ or Chace as naturals in the ring, which makes the pace and power of this ring match such a pleasant surprise. Not nearly as homo or erotic as TTT19, still there’s a big BGE stamp on this match that comes from the way these two have developed under the guiding hand of the Boss.
And now, for your consideration, the combo of an experienced indy pro jobbing for yet another pretty boy who we’ve watched grow into a magnificent BG East-style pro. I’d almost considered voting for this on the off chance that giving more praises to matches in which Kirk gets clobbered would inspire more of the same in the future. But you don’t have to carry my grudge against Howdy Doody to see a lot to like in this match, not least of which is hot muscle domination, buckets of sweat, and big vs.little boy bashing.
My least favorite category, so I’ll say the least about it. I do love a good squash on rare occasions. Not nearly as often as a lot of you, clearly, because the industry pumps out so many more squashes than I can consume. But sure, on occasion, a one-sided total mauling of one hunk by another hits some sweet notes to savor.
Kip squashed like a bug. Gorgeous. I still say that Flash LaCash is far prettier than he seems to get credit for. But it’s hard to focus on the pretty when he’s such a devastatingly effective muscle heel.
You had me at “Kid Karisma.” If anyone can carry a squash narrative and keep me engaged, it’s Kid K. He is a fucking BEAST in this match. I’d say more, but it would mostly be about Kid K’s body. This would be my second choice for this category, if pressed to have one.
My vote goes to Trey and Thrash for a few reasons. First, Trey Dixon is a god. Doomed, but a god. Thrash is outstandingly compelling. He’s another incredible debut that could easily have deserved a spot on the ballot there as well. And finally, Thrash destroys Trey in order to own him. A lack of motivation sinks most squashes for me, so when Thrash starts signaling where all this beauty bashing is heading, I’m hooked. Fuck, more Thrash. More Trey Dixon. Please.
Maybe this is my second choice. I don’t know. I will say this match turned me into a big Kelly King fan. Huge push to Biff’s consideration for Top Jobber.
I have no idea what motivates Cybertron. He’s a magnificent specimen of a man, but honestly, he won this match against Mister E about 45 seconds in. But he doesn’t stop. Why is that? Why don’t I “get” squashes more than I do?
Okay, maybe this is my second place. Whatever. I will say that it’s a little shocking that these two sensational physiques got completely shut out of the body part categories. Though I did put Viggo up for my personal “Best Legs” contest. In any case, massive, mega squash, pretty on pretty.
So many choices. So little time. You have until Thursday at midnight to cast your ballot for the BGE Besties, so let’s get on with this voter’s guide for anyone sitting on the fence. Now let’s take a look at the categories that I think of as the most hotly contested out of the whole ballot.
Last year’s Top Heel winner, Guido Genatto, is back to defend his title. I suspect there may be relatively little variability in our subjective interpretations of what is a heel. Vicious. Underhanded. Sadistic. Dominating and devastating. When done right, heels make the pro wrestling world go round in a well-understood way. You have 6 fine options of wrestling hunks who definitely did it right in 2016.
Perennial threat for the Top Heel title, Jonny Firestorm heeled it up in 2016 in 3-Way Thrash 4, 3-Way Thrash 3, Ring Wars 25, and Hunkbash 18. Jonny is always dangerous. Always devastatingly skilled. And he’s always deeply delighted to make an opponent, the bigger the better, scream like a bitch. He has an army of well-established fans infatuated with his particular skill set, almost certainly including his best bulge contender. He’s an institution, and I think he has to be the heel with the best chance to dethrone Guido this year.
It should come as little surprise that my vote goes to my longstanding favorite homoerotic wrestler, Kid Karisma. In 2016, Kid K appeared in Demolition 21,The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18. He has a strong, well-established base of voting fans (not just me), and he brings a novel, character-based party boy twist to the classic story of a bulldozing muscle heel. Personally, any heel who takes such pleasure in crushing his opponents, and who does it with such panache, and who delights in locking down a post-victory kiss as a trophy is a heel I can’t help but adore.
Paul Hudson seems like the dark horse in this race for Top Heel. Paul wrestled in Chace LaChance’s spotlight and in Gazebo Grapplers 18. He’s devastating and merciless like a good heel, no doubt. He’s neither exceedingly pretty nor a muscle beast, so I worry that some superficial thresholds for fanaticism may not lean in Paul’s favor for a popular vote like this. My gut reaction is that I don’t think of him as particularly sadistic. I don’t know if he takes as much joy in ripping an opponent apart as the other contenders, and he’s such a phenomenal wrestler, I don’t know if we see him resort to underhanded shenanigans as much, because frankly, he just doesn’t need to. But he definitely brings range and richness to this field that I love.
Flash LaCash enters the race with immense heel cred to his name. In 2016, he wrestled in Ring Wars 25 and Demolition 21. He digs his claws into an opponent with a consistent bemused detachment. Flash always starts off assuming that, once having seen his imposing, hot, handsome, muscled body, opponents will, when given the option, simply concede and save themselves a mountain of suffering. They never do, but Flash seems persistently surprised by their determination to get mauled. His initial detachment tends to bubble over into open, sadistic delight once he starts carving. He likes the taste of terror dripping off the bone. I know he has serious fan backing, but with only a couple of appearances last year, I don’t know if he’ll have momentum heading into the voting.
Back to defend his title, Guido Genatto makes a hard case to dispute. He didn’t exactly coast on last year’s success, showing up in 2016 in Biff Farrell’s Wrestler Spotlight, 3-Way Thrash 4, Last Man Standing 2, and Demolition 19. When it comes to heeling, I don’t know if Guido actually enjoys making another man hurt, as much as he enjoys being Guido. He fucking loves being Guido. And being Guido means bulldozing one chump after another, regularly doing housekeeping around his “Heel Hut,” and taking out the trash. There’s not a ton of nuance when it comes to Guido, I don’t think. There is no other mode than beast mode. He’s a force of nature. And he has a ton of crossover indy pro fans who worship the ground he takes a piss on. I have to think he’s odds on favorite for taking the title again this year.
Damn, Beaux made a huge impression on the nominating committee in his debut year. He muscles his way into contention for Top Heel on the merit of just two appearances in 2016, his debut in X-Fight 40 and his follow up in Dark Knights 13. Debuting as a top tier heel is an incredible feat. Beaux’s got the whole package to be nothing short of a wrecking ball as a chiseled, sub-bass bad ass with a porn star cock and a relish for molding opponents into worshippers. The flaming tats licking his calves capture this moment in time best: Beaux is on fire, and if he were to jump in line ahead of these other 5 contenders, I’d call this the biggest upset of the decade.
I prefer to think of this as “Most Awesome Ass.” I don’t remember how many times Kid Karisma has successfully defended his title, but fortunately for me, he’s back again to flex those glorious glutes side-by-side with 5 other studs who think they’ve got what it takes to unseat his legendary backside. One more major shocker on the ballot this year is the absence of Trophy Boy Ty Alexander. No one, and I mean no one is prouder of his pretty ass than Ty, and I’m certain that the Trophy Boy is smarting from the snub from the academy. But we’ve got a job to do, and it’s looking at these 6 asses that were nominated. I suppose the only question is how do you like your ass served? Bubble butts? Taut and athletic? Striated, carved muscle? Thick and luxurious? Whatever your taste, tuck in and take a look at this year’s contenders.
I can’t remember if Jake Jenkins has been a contender for the title of Best Butt before, but he’s certainly classing up the place with that thoroughbred derriere this time around. Jake wrestled in Chace LaChance’s spotlight, Undagear 25, and Catch-Weight 7. His cheeks are crafted by function. His ass isn’t extravagant, certainly not the most muscular or the roundest in the bunch. But it’s perfectly suited to his athleticism and flexibility. I know that JJ has an immense fan following, and I know that there are plenty of fans who prefer their wrestlers’ butts lean and taut. If there’s a split vote between some of the Tom of Finland physiques in this race, JJ could very well pull out the upset.
Speaking of a Tom of Finland physique, we finally arrive at the category that I think Van Skyler makes his most compelling case for. Again, Van only showed off his moneymaker in Undeagear 26 at the end of 2016. His cheeks are sensationally round and lush and squeezable (just ask Payton Meadows). This is prime go-go boy butt, built off what I assume are equal parts wrestling, dancing, and genetics. I think his fan following is quickly growing, but I don’t know if it’s big enough to let him overtake the likes of Kid K. But even a Kid K fanatic like me has to acknowledge that on pure aesthetics, on fantasy man fuckability and sheer beauty, Van’s ass is a serious challenge to Kid K’s dominance.
Fuuuuuuck. Sorry, I just get lightheaded looking at Kid Karisma’s multi-award winning muscle glutes. He put that fine ass to work in 2016 wrestling in Demolition 21,The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18. I know the Ginger Warrior gets a little tired of us neglecting to worship every other inch of his magnificent physique, but once he strips down to a jock strap and looks the other way, time stops for just a fraction of a second. I’m ready to vote for Kid K for ass of the decade, possibly even ass of the century. Although, all that said, I was blown away by a particular rookie ass in 2016 that made me, for just an instant, forget my absolute loyalty to Kid K’s glutes. Not enough to take my vote, but enough for me to take note to see what could happen in 2017.
Kelly King’s beefy butt also shows up in the polls for the fans of big, juicy, working class glutes. He only wrestled in Biff Farrell’s spotlight in 2016, which might leave him a little lacking in momentum for a poll like this. Honestly, I think this nod to Kelly’s hot ass takes even the BG East back office boys by surprise, because I had a hard, hard time finding a posed shot showing off Kelly’s generous ass. I don’t think he’s been packaged and sold for what a magnificent butt he possesses, but fans and the nominating crew have, nevertheless, noticed. He has indy pro fans, of course, and heel fans at BG East love him, but between just one appearance and a lack of marketing attention paid to his (no less fuckable) ass, I think he’s a long shot for the title this year.
On the one hand, I’m surprised to see newbie Payton Meadows in the final heat of this race ahead of other famous ass-fan objects of lust like Ty and Cameron. Payton debuted this year in Undagear 25 and made my heart stop in Undagear 26. His ass just isn’t as round or muscular as Kid K or Van’s, but holy hell, on the other hand, Payton’s ass is as pretty as they come. Still photos just don’t capture what a fantastic, fantasyman ass this rookie possesses. As I’ve said before, I don’t think a lot of us have discovered his charms yet, and unless you put eyes to the Undagear 26 video evidence, you may not appreciate just what hypnotizing, compelling, fuckable ass he brings to the game. I’ll be shocked if he pulls it out this year, but I predict that if I see those French Canadian glutes looking that perky and pretty in action again, 2017 very well could be the year I stray from my knee jerk loyalty to Kid K.
I’m tickled to see Biff Farrell’s ass in the mix this year. Biff worked that ass hard in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. I think this side of him makes a more compelling case than his fight for Best Bulge this year. His ass is a happy compromise between Jake’s and Kelly’s. Round, strong, generous without jiggle, it suits Biff’s beefcake brawler body perfectly. I’d love to see opponent’s appreciate Biff’s assets more. He’s fucking stunning from head to toe, but opponent’s seem to inevitably dive right in to hatin’ and bashin’ on him. Slow down. On behalf of us all, marvel at the wonder that is this big, blond, blue-eyed, bulging beefcake. Take some extra time caressing that beautiful ass. If Biff’s ass was more of the story in his matches, I think I’d give him better odds for Best Butt. But as it is, Biff has a ton of fans who would give a kidney to get their hands on his ass, so he’s hardly a longshot.
Don’t forget to vote. As we all know, having the objective qualifications that make a candidate obviously superior and vastly more qualified don’t amount to victory if people don’t vote. Feel free to make your case for your favorites in the comments below.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Flash LaCash demands as he climbs into the ring. Out of nowhere, adorkable Johnny Jobber has pulled out his lunch box and is wide-eyed with ecstatic anticipation at sticking his lovingly peeled banana in his mouth. He sticks it in.
“Ea-ing a ba-anna,” Johnny talks with his mouth full.
“Does this look like a fucking picnic table!?” Flash’s sense of professional decorum is assaulted. He’s incensed by this dumb ass kid who apparently is unaware that the wrestling ring is not public park. The question of what the fuck Johnny is doing in this ring remains a valid one from start to finish. The extremely brief profile description says that he’s a 24 year old who’s a “weak, twinky indy pro wrestler who can take a big beating.” That notwithstanding, I still say he’s got to be the most unprepared, inoffensive, ill equipped newbie to set foot in a wrestling ring, and that’s saying a lot. He puts forward nearly (nearly) no offense. But what he does do surprisingly well, is convey an oddly compelling and, as far as I can tell, pretty fucking novel wrestling character.
Johnny is an everyman’s man (Freudian neurosis aside). Or, perhaps, he’s an every boy’s boy. He plays as incredibly young and lean. He’s fit, but soft in the middle, and without much visible muscle tone. He’s pale, with a thick pageboy and natural, lightly hairy legs and a dusting of dark blond chest hair. He’s handsome enough, but not in any standout way. If I saw him at a gay bar, I’d immediately put him in the “maybe” category and file him away for a backup plan, should more tempting game get away. But then, if he turned around, I’d reevaluate, because Johnny’s got a sensational ass. Seriously, a magnificent, all heredity bubble butt. Not much muscle tone. It jiggles a bit when he’s getting pounded like a round steak. But mother nature and fine, fine genetics gave him grabbable, slappable, succulent cheeks that answer for me the question of what doe-eyed Johnny’s doing in a wrestling ring catering to gay men.
Johnny is also a tad… how shall I say it… fresh off the farm. He’s a simple boy who appears unable to hold too many thoughts in his head at the same time. Even when Flash is ripping him apart at the seams and asking what, I’m sure, are intended to be rhetorical questions designed to humiliate him, Johnny is a literalist, answering every one. In detail. “What else do you like to stick in our mouth?” Flash taunts the kid early on for being so fixated on that fucking banana. Anyone else would have heard the cock sucking reference. But not Johnny. He just starts listing the things he likes to suck on. Bananas. Popscicles. Cucumbers. Flash is mildly surprised as this oral fixation comes out in the open (under duress), but he rolls with it, without any hint of needing to turn things homophobic. “Let me ask you,” Flash asks, “have you ever tasted Iranian sausage? It’s quite humbling.” So now I know that Flash is Iranian. And apparently his sausage is humbling.
The contrast between these two is visually stunning. They look roughly similar heights, but somehow Flash is twice the man Johnny is. He’s thick and bulging all over. His dark complexion, shimmering with a light coat of baby oil, makes Johnny’s lightly hairy paleness almost hurt the eyes. Flash’s magnificent full, thick beard is superbly masculine and mature. Johnny looks like a 19 year old kid who’s just a bit of a late bloomer. Flat chested, undeveloped arms, slightly meatier legs. And, as I said, Flash is a seasoned pro heel who has about 15 ways in mind to bend, break, and completely terrorize a simple kid with a magnificent ass.
Wherever the fuck Johnny came from, he does one thing really, really well. He screams like a bitch. Damn, he suffers good. He takes a horrendous, lopsided beating like someone who most definitely is not new to this game, and he sells it like motherfucker. He’s dazed and weak in the knees when he takes blows to the head (which is often). He flops and shivers like a fish on the line when he’s getting squeezed between Flash’s gargantuan thighs. “I want to go home!” Johnny weeps pleadingly about 2/3rds of the way through the match. “Okay, go home,” Flash says, letting meat go, “and take your banana with you.” Johnny crawls on his hands and knees (again, that ass!!!), weakly trying to drag his average joe carcass to freedom. He screams and begs when suddenly Flash steps on his ankle, pinning him to the center of the ring, letting it slowly (sloooooowly) dawn on the farmboy that this is far from over.
The sexiest sequence by far is right around the halfway mark. Flash hooks the kid in a front facelock and grabs a fistful of trunks to hoist the kid up into a suplex. Somehow, Johnny marshals enough wherewithal to block it. Frustrated, Flash lunges low and starts over, but mid-lift, again, Johnny kicks and pulls his center of gravity back far enough to prevent Flash from taking him all the way over. A total of 4 times, Johnny shocks the beast by blocking that suplex, and then really blows me away by suddenly landing sharp fists into Flash’s gut. Flash is clearly as completely surprised as I am that Johnny does something, anything, on offense. Suddenly, the kid’s head pops free and he flings himself backward into the ropes, letting his momentum catapult him off the ropes and flying back toward his muscle bully. Flash has already lifted his right boot seriously high and straight legged. The timing and placement are absolute perfection. Johnny takes the heel of the boot squarely in the jaw. It looks like his head may have snapped off his neck for just a second. The kid drops lifelessly to the mat. And the whole thing is sold gorgeously.
Johnny’s oral fixation is the glue holding this relatively sketchy narrative together. As with so much of Wrestle4Hire, I’m dying to know more of Johnny’s backstory, but we get very, very little. What we do get is a running dialogue between the two combatants that drive home erotic innuendo of little Johnny’s “tastes,” and, by inference, centers the kink and eroticism that makes wrestling for gay eyes my (and your) thing. At one point, flash force feeds Johnny the remainder of his banana after kicking it around the ring a bit to make it nice and nasty. He takes a piece of the banana still in tact and precisely places it on Johnny’s impressive bulge. Standing over him, holding him by the ankles, spreading the newbie’s legs open vulnerably, Flash stomps on the banana(s). Kid screams like the wounded animal he is. And Flash taunts him from then on out about that messy “banana cream” that’s embarrassingly staining Johnny’s (now even tastier) pouch.
Another highlight is the sensationally trunk pull that signals that the producer, and perhaps Flash himself, knows exactly what I’m still watching this ring massacre for, because those lush, squeezable cheeks of Johnny’s jiggle free. There’s another 3 or 4 minutes of Flash mauling the kid relentlessly and giving us multiple angles to appreciate Johnny’s mouthwatering ass cheeks, with his banana cream-stained, stretched and ripped beyond repair trunks wedged really, really high up his crack. Like the crowd pleaser he is, Johnny doesn’t attempt to dig his trunks out of his crack until Flash commands him to, and even then, Johnny only bothers covering up one lily white cheek.
While I’m not so big on squashes usually, and while I find Johnny’s character a little sketchy and troubling (e.g., should I feel guilty about fantasizing about relentlessly fucking a barely legal kid who may have just been riding the short bus a year ago?), I’m oddly satisfied and entertained by Flash LaCash vs. Johnny Jobber. I would love to see more backstory (on everyone at W4H, frankly), and I think Johnny is super ripe for getting sucked into orbit around some charismatic, domineering, big daddy pro mentor for some juicy drama (daddy would have to punish him harshly when, inevitably, Johnny fucks it up in his next match with daddy coaching from the corner). Honestly, about a minute and half into this, and I was expecting to not like this match or Johnny. In the end, after cleaning myself off and rehydrating, I have to admit, I’m a fan of Johnny, Flash, and this unflinching pairing of the two.
And if Johnny wants more banana, I’ve got one at the ready anytime, Lunchable Larry.
Flash, I’ve seen half a dozen times, and I find him sexier every time I see him. I’ve admired KARN in still frame for quite some time, but this is somehow my first chance to see him in action. Some of W4H’s roster profiles are extensive, almost existential in contemplation of the character, strengths, and flaws of a wrestler. KARN’s profile just says, “Dark, Sexy, Bad Boy.” What more do you need to say, really?
There’s a lot of provocative mystery about KARN Alexander. For example, why are all the letters in his first name capitalized? How tall is he? By inference and cross reference, I’m guessing he’s around 6’1″ or 6’2″ since he looks a shade taller than Flash in this match, and at BGE Flash is listed at 5’11”. But that’s mostly guesswork. The hot, hard facts are that he looks luxuriously long, sensationally muscled, and built for punishment.
Having watched this match from start to finish, I think KARN is essentially what we’d get if Michael Phelps took up homoerotic pro wrestling (yes. please.). He has a deep, bass voice and a ruggedly handsome face that very well could be the most expressive face in pro wrestling. He has lean legs and a long, ripped lower torso that makes his huge pecs and mountainous shoulders look somehow disproportionately massive, which is sort of how I read Michael Phelps, as well. And the most provocative reveal of this W4H match against Flash LaCash is the fact that KARN is, apparently, a highly accomplished erotic dancer.
I buy it. Fuck, I’d buy season tickets for the club where KARN takes off his clothes while swiveling his narrow hips. The tone of the opening scene is a little over the top, sort of comic book comical, with the dark, sexy bad boy in a vest, tie, wrestling trunks and boots, practicing his striptease dance moves. The tone throughout the match is similarly just over the top, as Flash asks for dance lessons and gets a whole lot more than he bargained for.
I’m familiar with Flash as an unstoppable pro heel machine from his work at BGE, so seeing him get manhandled and pounded like an impotent bitch against a bigger, more confident, more cocky ring master gives me a special buzz all its own. I’m sort of expecting heel Flash to come screaming out, even as he admiringly asks KARN to join him in the ring and show him some dance moves. But no, Flash seems to sincerely want to break into the erotic dance biz. And, for the record, I’d buy season tickets for that, as well.
“It’s all about exposing the body,” KARN explains as he slowly, seductively unbuttons his vest. “Why don’t you try one of these right here,” he offers, lacing his fingers behind his head and slowly swiveling his narrow hips. Flash gives it a self-conscious try, but his teacher is quick to point out his shortcomings. “No, no, no, you’ve got to have better form. Get it all the way out there,” he demonstrates again, exaggerating the forward thrust of his bulging crotch.
When Flash tries to tackle the second lesson (finger snapping pelvic thrusts), KARN abruptly drops him with a sucker knee lift to the gut. “You think you’re going to just come in here and take my spotlight away!?” KARN snaps. “I don’t think so!”
What follows dances metaphorically along the straight edge of pro wrestling combat and slightly humorous performance art. The boys never break character, but they also never quite shake the sense of a junior high skit when it comes to following through on the erotic dancer lesson shtick. “You’re not going to be a great dancer without any legs!” KARN snarls, using those fabulously long, strong legs of his to lock down a fantastic figure-4 leglock. “You’re going to break my leg!” Flash protests. “How am I supposed to dance with a broken fucking leg?!” With that devilish smile, KARN replies, “You’re going to have to figure that one out.”
The marriage of homoerotic pro wrestling and male erotic dancing is time honored, and KARN brings some sweet innovation to connect those dots. “I just wanted to see some moves,” Flash whimpers, struggling for air with KARN kneeling behind him tightening up a choke hold. “Some moves, huh?” KARN considers. Suddenly he throws another one of those delicious pelvic thrusts, pounding his crotch solidly into the middle of Flash’s muscled back. A cock hammer to the back might not be the most debilitating pro wrestling move, but the look of shocked agony on Flash’s face sells me that KARN’s hammer swings just fine. “How about that move!?” KARN asks.
There’s a lot of dialogue. I know some fans find that annoying, but I’ve got a long record of finding cocky, clever trash talk very much value added. “You still want to dance?” KARN asks, jerking Flash back and forth in a bearhug like a rag doll. “Dance for me!” he orders, and the personal note to that command makes swoon. When he suddenly swings his protege around and squeezes into place a reverse bearhug, another one of those crowd pleasing pelvic thrusts to Flash’s rock hard ass makes me cry out louder than Flash. “Ahhhh,” KARN groans with pleasure, “there we go!”
Production wise, there is some off camera conversation in the background, like a low buzz the last half of the match, which is a little distracting, but not loud enough to actually hear whatever is being said. I believe there’s just one camera cut in the entire 29 minute match, which is pretty fucking incredible when you think about it. The one camera cut is in service to getting the camera in position for some sensational close ups of the muscle crunching action, so I’m all on board for that. When KARN suddenly scoops Flash up and twists him into place, cradled in his arms, holding him there, I feel like I’m close enough to stretch out my tongue and lick the sweat from the crevice between KARN’s lush pecs. Then he pounds Flash’s lower back down onto his knee, and both magnificent physiques fill the frame beautifully.
“How did you like that move?” KARN asks even as he’s prying his opponent backward across his thigh. “I put a little spin on that.” Still clinging precariously to the erotic dance lesson narrative, Flash gasps (still racked backward in that OTK, mind you), “Do you think I’ll be able to spin like that one day?” KARN thinks about it a second, still shoving downward on Flash’s chin and knee, “Possibly, but not likely. Nobody can spin like I can.”
This is a lot of nearly non-stop pro wrestling packed into 29 minutes. W4H members can watch it in the Member Videos section for now, and if you enjoy handsome, tall, sensationally fit muscle boys going at it, even half as much as I do, this is one to watch. It’s a squash, mind you, which I’m in the mood for relatively rarely. But there’s something about the boys commitment to narrative, the male erotic dancer run amok scenario, that grabs me and holds me just right.
And I just need to say it again. Fuck. Me. Karn Alexander is insanely sexy. I know not everyone is into tats like I am, but as for me, his ink sleeve is gorgeous and the tats on both arms show off his bulging biceps to perfection. I’d love to see him in trunks with about 2 inches lower rise across his lower abdomen, but otherwise, he is a pro wrestling fantasy man dream for me. I don’t know if Flash will ever get his groove on to strip for tips, but the next time KARN swings on a pole at a gay club in the Northeast, I’m draining my bank account for cash to stuff down his pouch!
Time’s a wasting, so if anyone is going to still benefit from seeing side by side (or top to bottom) comparisons of the nominees for BG East Bestie awards before polls close at midnight tomorrow night, I’d better get on it.
The Best Body category is an enigmatic one for me. Taking in the whole of a wrestler’s physique speaks to different tastes and attention. How the academy narrowed the field down to these six specimens, I can’t imagine, but it’s a very, very hot field to choose from.
Competition for Best Bulge is probably equally as subjective, but when we zoom in on the crotch, I have to think that size matters. In this case, these are the boys with the heft and volume to get nominations from the academy.
Nominees for Top Heel somehow seems like one of the clearest categories in the poll. The pro wrestling heel is an iconic role, and at BG East, it’s inhabited by some of the hottest, most merciless and vicious bad asses on the planet. Defending Top Heel of 2014, Kid Karisma, didn’t even make the cut this year, but this year’s field is incredibly competitive.