Van Skyler – Sidelineland

Stay in Your Lane

June 27, 2020 wrestlebard1 Comment

Last week there was a reckoning in pro wrestling, as victims of sexual misconduct and sexual assault stepped forward on several platforms to name the crimes and creeps they have endured for years in the pro wrestling context. While I’ve generally ignored mainstream pro wrestling for a couple of decades, for a number of reasons, I follow a few wrestlers outside of the homoerotic wrestling context, and more than a few wrestlers that straddle both worlds. Based on what I’ve read, most of the recently disclosed creepiness was perpetrated by men against women, but I’ve seen more than a few indictments of same sex assault and harassment. I don’t believe that I’m qualified or informed sufficiently to comment directly, but it does draw my attention to my lane on the road, namely wrestling produced for gay eyes.

18_lg

As I’ve documented extensively on this blog, I found wrestling inherently erotic from pretty much the first time I can remember seeing it. Clearly, I’m not alone. Vintage gay beefcake pin-up boys were often portrayed grappling, perhaps as cover for the explicit tension of seeing two nearly naked men all over each other. But for me, it’s not just cover. I have access to a world of homoerotic porn today, but what seriously turns me on is homoerotic wrestling (thus, this blog). I understand that there may be companies producing content with an explicit understanding that the wrestling is pretense, that the audience is understood to primarily include gay guys who only feel comfortable getting caught with their jack-off inspiration under the bed/in their downloads if they can attempt to argue that they’re just good ole straight boys into good old straight wrestling and it has nothing to do with their dicks. I’ll come back to that in a moment, but for now, let me say that I’m most interested in self-consciously, undeniably homoerotic wrestling.

h0104_lg

I get off on wrestling. Early in my life, it was a secret that I felt ashamed of. Mostly through blogging about it over the past 10 years, I’ve “come out” about it here, and face-to-face with some of my close friends. I still watch “family friendly” pro wrestling sometimes for the nostalgia, for the implicit connection to my young, gay self staying up late on a Saturday night, turning the volume down way, way low, and pounding a few out over the course of watching the likes of Billy Jack Haynes, the Dynamite Kid, and Steve Doll work up a sweat and put their hot bodies to the test in the ring. I realize that the producers of independent pro wrestling probably didn’t envision a whole lot of their audience consuming the product quite the way I did (though I strongly suspect producers have always known and counted on our corner of the fan base). Most of what I enjoy for the carnal enjoyment of it these days is wrestling-for-gay eyes, though, because the erotic text isn’t just the one I bring to the viewing. And in explicitly homoerotic wrestling (explicit or not), the eroticism crosses some topical boundaries (like groping, mismatched erotic desire between the combatants, aggressive kisses, gear being forcibly ripped off of each other) that are, in many ways, the very content of damning stories raised by wrestlers in mainstream pro wrestling about sexual harassment and sexual assault. But in homoerotic wrestling, it’s happening for the homoerotically-oriented wrestling audience, and it’s built on a pretense of consent. The boundary crossing is an erotic fantasy, self-consciously enacted by consenting wrestlers willingly, sometimes eagerly, rather than real-life boundary crossing perpetrated as an unwanted violation of consent.

22_lg

I’ve never seen a wrestling contract from BG East or W4H or Can-Am or Naked Kombat. I’ve never sat in on labor negotiations or match planning. But as a consumer, I’m assuming a foundation of consent, that the fine, hot hunks that populate my screen have signed up for the sexy situations that they find themselves in. I’d feel like an accomplice to a crime if I actually thought that IRL Bryan Powers was put in restraints in the corner and forced to watch helplessly as his sexy little fuck buddy Liam Ryan was beaten senseless, groped relentlessly, and force-fed Shane McCall’s cock as Shane and BBW made out over top of him, turned on by their cruel domination. If all 4 of the wrestlers didn’t sign-up for, at the very least, the possibility of the erotic turns and double-teaming injustice that played out, then that match would be prosecutable. The pretense of being overpowered and forced into sexually compromised positions only works for my fantasy life if there was consent from the start.

h25_lg

The role of consent in my erotic fantasies has been explicitly on my mind for a long time. I remember rewriting, multiple times, one of my first homoerotic wrestling fiction stories, as I brought into focus the blurred lines of consent. The match was careening headlong into the winner fucking the unwilling loser. But as the words hit the page, I actually felt pity for the loser. Even the imaginary violation of consent was such a buzz kill, and it sent me backward into the narrative, to figure out whether the hottest telling of my fantasy would be established on clarifying the mutually agreed upon stakes, or if the match needed to head a different direction all together.

0221_lg

The idea of consent pops up in other ways in my blogging history. Along the way, I’ve requested, and received, permission from copyright owners to post images from homoerotic wrestling productions. Sometimes they have specific parameters within which they give me permission to post. One producer has specified that I not re-post their images that include nudity, for example. Also, in about 10 years of active blogging, there’s been about a dozen times when someone featured in an image I’ve posted has requested the image be removed. I always do, whether they are the copyright owners or not. I do my best to celebrate homoerotic wrestling and wrestlers, and the underlying consent of the hunks seems essential to demonstrating the relationship that I want to have with the genre, built on consent.

0108_lg

I once pressed Muscle Master Kevin at MDW on the topic of the use of gay slurs. MDW isn’t the only company that’s invoked the themes of humiliating “the sissies,” of course. MMK seemed quite honestly surprised to hear me say that I felt resentment about it. He explained that it comes from his private fans and MDW fans who specifically call for it, who demand it as a crucial component of what gets them off. I had to sit with that for a while, frankly. In the end, I decided that my job isn’t to police anyone else’s erotic fantasies. As long as everyone understands that it’s mutually negotiated, then what does it matter what my critique of internalized homophobia may be? Helpfully, MMK suggested they would do a better job of labeling their products, so that those willingly seeking out homoerotic material featuring anti-gay themes could find what they need, and the rest of us can steer clear. I’m not exactly thrilled that there’s a significant market for gay guys wanting to get off on being gay bashed (at least figuratively), but if everyone involved is consenting, what does it matter what I think?

h15_lg

Maybe #speakout will trickle down to homoerotic wrestling, and we’ll learn that there’s not always fully informed consent operating on camera, or that there’s harassment or assault off camera. I’ve heard rumors, but no first-hand accounts. For the record, I’m only interested in celebrating homoerotic wrestling in which what shows up on camera reflects willing consent (and hopefully eager enthusiasm) of the wrestlers involved. If there are aggressive liplocks, ripped off gear, muscle groping, cock stroking, sexual domination, erotic humiliation, humping, frottage, or full on fucking, then it should be willingly consented to by all parties involved. If it isn’t, I don’t want to watch it or promote it. If there are any hot, naive young hunks who show up on camera not knowing that the whole purpose of the product is for gay guys to jerk off to them, they should be informed. I think there’s a problem with fully informed consent, otherwise, and I don’t want to be crushing on some hot young muscle hunk who’s desperately ashamed and feeling duped to be associated with homoeroticism.

h0420_lg

If I go to wrestling-for-gay-eyes sites and see guys feeling each other up, grabbing each other’s crotches, sucking on each other’s nipples, bumping and grinding, stripping naked, making out, getting hard, dick whipping, cock sucking, muscle worshiping, or, best of all, doing all of the above in a ring full of baby oil with a dozen other like minded, fully aroused beefcakes celebrating the homoeroticism of wrestling for kindred spirits to enjoy over and over again on an endless repeat recording, then I fully expect everyone to have willingly consented, and hopefully exuberantly endorsed the production of an erotic wrestling fantasy. If anyone in mainstream pro wrestling, underground wrestling, homoerotic wrestling, or anyone else, thinks that they’re entitled to coerce, manipulate, or physically force anyone else against their will to participate in your erotic fantasy, I think that’s creepy and should be shut down every time. If your fantasy includes coercion, enjoy the creative and inspired artists, athletes, and producers who can indulge that fantasy without anyone being harmed, dehumanized, or criminally assaulted. Otherwise, stay in your own lane, and keep the eroticism out of your wrestling lives.

Side Butt

May 23, 2020May 21, 2020 wrestlebard2 Comments

If you’re new around here, you may not have heard that pretty much everything inspires my homoerotic wrestling imagination. One of my longest-standing, relatively random inspirations has been hot guys on television news. For a while, I thought it was just my imagination, prompting me to fantasize about hard, hot bodies underneath the suits of the handsome faces hired to look trustworthy. But no one can ignore the flagrant display of hot journalist beef all over the airwaves these days. It’s not just me combing through the minutiae and piecing together Chris Cuomo’s bulging biceps and Gio Benitez’ mouthwatering pecs out of nothing more than public social media accounts and confirmation bias. These days, the news hunks are quite obviously getting hunkier, unbuttoning their shirts, posting workout videos, and finding excuses to show off their hard toned gym bodies. Thus was born The News Division series of homoerotic wrestling fiction that I’m slowly transcribing from an old private site to the pages of this blog. I’ll post an updated version of a new chapter tomorrow.

If you aren’t new around here, this is all old news. So let me move on to the new addition to my newsmen crush lexicon. My local weatherman is a nerd stud. He’s skinny. Literally, a marathoner. He’s no Hollywood heartthrob, but he’s got a seriously cute, boyish face. Quick wit. I’d schoolboy pin him in a second. But the real star of the show is that ass of his when he takes of his suit coat and steps up to the map. Specifically, he makes me gasp every time he turns to point to the weather map and shows off his remarkably perky, round ass in profile. Solid, sculpted muscle, made all that more stunning by his skinny, little waist. Not everyone has the genetics and laboriously-built muscle to be able to show off such lovely side butt. There are huge, bulging bodybuilders who do squats for years and never pull off the perfectly round globes that my skinny weatherman has. From behind, you can’t always measure the perkiness-factor like you can with side butt.

So, in honor of my weatherman and the provocative gift of a tiny waist and gorgeous, round glutes, I’ve spent more time than I should have curating this annotated collection of homoerotic wrestling hunks showing off sensational side butt.

0408_lg

BGE’s classic baby face muscle boy Troy Baker gave pin-up boy quality side butt. I’m also a fan of Troy’s tan lines, which serve as a highlighter spotlighting his beautifully round, alabaster cheeks.

0402_lg My longest-reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler and multi-Best Butt and Body winner Kid Karisma possesses one of the perkiest, most muscular ass cheeks on the planet. He’s a study in physical perfection from every angle, but he gives choice side butt.

0404_lg

Tyrell Tomsen is an adonis, with extravagant, luscious meat draped from every joint. You have not lived if you have yet to see every awesome inch of Tyrell in Strip Stakes 1, which, frankly, has sort of spoiled me for every other strip stakes match I’ve seen. It’s hard not to let your eyes roam over him, but if you’ve got the self-discipline, you’ll see that his thick, solidly muscled glutes are perfect in profile.

scrapdb Epitomizing the tapered-V, Scrappy (Thunders, W4H, Muscleboy) possesses perfect proportions. The way his tiny waist perches on top of his lush, thickly muscled ass makes him a side butt poster boy.

1302_lg

One of the more controversial figures in the annals of homoerotic wrestling history, Rio Garza had a remarkable gift for dividing fans and wrestlers alike. But can we all agree to the self-evident fact that the Mexican muscleboy sports practically perfectly round glutes that make for sensational side butt?

0437_lg

This photo demonstrates the extremely rare (IMO) phenomenally hot double side butt perfection of last year’s Best Body winner Van Skyler on the left bearhugging Payton Meadows on the right. Their Undagear 26 face off really deserves to be cross-listed as a Fantasymen product, because they are both ripped from the pages of an erotic fantasy. But for butt watching, it’s out of this world, and for two pairs of the sweetest, roundest ass profiles to appear in one match, it cannot be beat.

0104_lg

I should’ve quit a while back, but I couldn’t stop myself from digging into the archives just a bit more for choice side butt. Blond, blue eyed bombshell Jeff Phoenix had all too brief a stint in the ring for BG East, but that all-over tan and magnificent physique surely ought to arise from the ashes for a comeback, don’t you think? And side butt that juicy needs a severe tongue lashing, if you ask me.

0214_lg

It’s probably criminal to have any discussion of phenomenal asses without extensive homage paid to Mike Columbo’s legendary glutes. In my hiatus from following the scene, I’ve lost track of whether the Mike Columbo fanatics are still actively worshiping at his altar, but I still keep a candle light for two of the thickest thighs and the superhumanly proportioned profile of his most famous assets.

0204_lg

But honestly, I was always more of a classic Mikey Vee fanatic than a Mike Columbo devotee. In Mikey’s early days at BG East, he was a devastatingly adorably bad ass in a baby face disguise.

I’ve got half a dozen other hot hunks for whom, I bet, I’d find scintillating shots of side butt, but I’m going to draw a line there rather than work on this post for days on end. You, however, can tell me who I missed in the comments!

Achilles’ Heel in Socks

February 3, 2018 wrestlebard1 Comment

I had no idea how much I needed to see Van Skyler square off against Fabrice until I was watching it happen in Undagear 29: Sock It to Me. I’m a fan of both of these beautiful men, but somehow it hadn’t really occurred to me to picture the magic that might be conjured by pitting them against one another.

I’ve talked before about the value added for me when contrasting bodies face off. Van and Fabrice stroke that spot sensationally. It’s definitely as big vs. little scenario, but who’s big and who’s little sort of depends on the camera angle. On the one hand, Fabrice towers over Van. A wrestler staring down from a 5 inch height advantage is so inherently domineering! Fabrice is his mysteriously frosty self, cocky and quietly fierce. On the one hand, Van’s lush lips line up in a perfect position to clamp onto Fabrice’s ten cent nips.

Magnificent muscle built for dominating lesser men

But on the other hand, Van weighs in at a reported 40 pounds heavier than the tall boy. I maintain a healthy skepticism about wrestler stats, but I buy these astonishing numbers. Fabrice is almost painfully lean, which he wears gorgeously. And Van is built like a Tom of Finland powerhouse. He earned a legitimate second place for Best Body in voting this year for excellent reasons. Frankly, I’ve suspected that Van may be significantly more coverboy than battle boy, but even if I still thought he was mostly glitz, I’d have to admit that his muscles are luxuriously thick and dense. So even staring eye-to-nipple with Fabrice, the gravitational force of Van’s vastly superior mass pulls the big/little contrast magnificently in his favor.

Van forefeeds a mouthful of his gorgeous ass!

So the set up is instantly titillating for me. But the execution turns my crank hard with both hands. One reason this is the case is watching Van calmly, confidently, and convincingly assert a commanding offense. Fuck, I’ve been waiting for this pretty boy to develop his wrestling chops. His Undagear 26 match with Payton Meadows shows some flashes of Van’s potential brilliance on offense. I’m guessing this match with Fabrice might have been recorded around the same time. Maybe it’s Fabrice’s thin man presentation that inspires the muscleboy to open up showing some sweet, powerful, gorgeous offense. He musclebullies the French beauty early and often. When Fabrice makes an effort to slip free at one point, Van growls, “I don’t think so, buddy,” and then presses Fabrice’s face against his taut hamstring and reaches behind him, pulling on his ankle and absolutely crushing the blond’s head in a vise. The harder Van squeezes, the more firmly this opponent’s face is smashed into the muscleboy’s gorgeous, mountainous glutes. There’s just so much right about this hold, but first and foremost, it’s an awesome glimpse into Van’s growing awareness of just what he can do with that drop dead gorgeous body of his.

The optics are similarly perfect when Van cinches on a dragon sleeper. I’ve never really considered the mechanical physics of this move nearly as much as I did watching this musclebound “little” guy lock it onto his long, lean opponent. The results are that Fabrice is laid out even more vulnerably than most in this humiliating hold.

Van shoves his socked toes down Fabrice’s throat

The second biggest surprise to me in this match is how engaged I was by the sock kink angle. Perhaps what makes it such a turn on is discovering that the impetus behind making this a “sock fetish” match comes from Van. Fuck, he is into this! He makes Fabrice suck on his socked toes. He slowly, indulgently pins the Frenchman’s cheek to the match, quite transparently taking deep pleasure in using his socks as devices for debasing his deceptively delicate opponent. Fabrice seems irritated by it at first. Of course, being physically forced to suck on your opponent’s socked toes would be irritating, but even more than that, it feels like Fabrice is personally pissed to being made a prop in what is quite obviously Van’s kink for sock domination. So these are Van’s terms, and I am loving this implicit little insight into the lusts behind the muscle.

The biggest surprise, however, comes when Fabrice finally cottons on that Van is taking way too much carnal pleasure in using his socked feet as a tool for humiliation and domination. Honestly, I was already counting the Frenchman out about 2/3rds of the way through, because this was so completely Van’s match. The muscleboy, slicked up with sweat, starts flexing overtop of the opponent who he just had to literally capture and drag back to the middle of the mat before Fabrice could complete his crawling escape from the room. Fabrice becomes our avatar, obediently putting his hands on Van’s stunning muscles. I so fucking want to trade places with him right then. Perhaps that’s why I’m just as convinced as Van is that Fabrice is ready to concede, for the stark pleasure of worshiping the muscled god who so clearly has bested him. Fabrice milks it, stroking and exploring to do us proud.

Show of hands, who wants to take Fabrice’s place?

But then, rising to his feet and abruptly towering over Van, he snaps on a sleeper from behind. That’s not really the surprise. We’ve seen aesthetic beauties like Van get suckered into their own hype, undone by believing the erotic control they have over us fans will automatically translate to every opponent. No, the surprise comes as Van starts to sag in the Frenchman’s arms. They slide to the mat, with Van nestled intimately between Fabrice’s super long legs. Van pulls at the arm pinching off his carotid artery. He struggles to maintain a desperate grip on consciousness, and frankly, he’s strong enough to prevent Fabrice from sealing the deal entirely.

Van muscles a tiny bit of breathing room into that sleeper

It’s a stalemate moment, with Van incapable of escape, but Fabrice not strong enough to apply the pressure to finish him. The Frenchman slowly extends those super long legs and grinds his knees into Van’s tiny waist, using the extra leverage for more pressure on the sleeper. His legs are just so fucking long, though. Fabrice’s ankles cross directly overtop of Van’s swollen package. Tentatively at first, the Frenchman presses his socked feet into Van’s bulge to try to break the stalemate. Van groans, his face twisted in defensive strain or erotic pleasure or both.

And then Van takes one hand away from his defensive grasp on Fabrice’s forearm crushing his throat, and he grabs the Frenchman’s ankle, slowly and unmistakably pressing Fabrice’s socked feet pressed even harder into his bulge. Van groans with pleasure. He cannot get enough of his opponent’s feet manually stimulating his muscleboy cock! This isn’t torture. This isn’t humiliation. This is one of the most mouthwatering specimen’s of aesthetic muscle currently competing getting his buttons pushed so completely that he willingly gives up the fall to ride this ride to the very last split second of consciousness before gasping a submission that sounds like he was just about to cum in his undagear.

He likes it. He loves it. And now that Fabrice knows it, he’s going to carve up this beefsteak and serve Van on a platter.

This is momentous character development, as far as I’m concerned. I’ve always known exactly what it is about Van that gets me instantly hard, but now we know just a little of what drives Van over the erotic line.

If anyone sees Van, let him know that I’ve got a sweaty pair of socks and a bottle of lube with his name on them. In the mean time, I’m cuing up that epic moment once again where the muscled beauty telegraphs the biggest tell, the most sensational Achilles-heel-reveal I’ve seen in a long time.

And the Nominees Are…

January 9, 2017 wrestlebard1 Comment

So many choices. So little time. You have until Thursday at midnight to cast your ballot for the BGE Besties, so let’s get on with this voter’s guide for anyone sitting on the fence. Now let’s take a look at the categories that I think of as the most hotly contested out of the whole ballot.

Top Heel

Last year’s Top Heel winner, Guido Genatto, is back to defend his title. I suspect there may be relatively little variability in our subjective interpretations of what is a heel. Vicious. Underhanded. Sadistic. Dominating and devastating. When done right, heels make the pro wrestling world go round in a well-understood way. You have 6 fine options of wrestling hunks who definitely did it right in 2016.

Perennial threat for the Top Heel title, Jonny Firestorm heeled it up in 2016 in 3-Way Thrash 4, 3-Way Thrash 3, Ring Wars 25, and Hunkbash 18. Jonny is always dangerous. Always devastatingly skilled. And he’s always deeply delighted to make an opponent, the bigger the better, scream like a bitch. He has an army of well-established fans infatuated with his particular skill set, almost certainly including his best bulge contender. He’s an institution, and I think he has to be the heel with the best chance to dethrone Guido this year.

It should come as little surprise that my vote goes to my longstanding favorite homoerotic wrestler, Kid Karisma. In 2016, Kid K appeared in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18. He has a strong, well-established base of voting fans (not just me), and he brings a novel, character-based party boy twist to the classic story of a bulldozing muscle heel. Personally, any heel who takes such pleasure in crushing his opponents, and who does it with such panache, and who delights in locking down a post-victory kiss as a trophy is a heel I can’t help but adore.

Paul Hudson seems like the dark horse in this race for Top Heel. Paul wrestled in Chace LaChance’s spotlight and in Gazebo Grapplers 18. He’s devastating and merciless like a good heel, no doubt. He’s neither exceedingly pretty nor a muscle beast, so I worry that some superficial thresholds for fanaticism may not lean in Paul’s favor for a popular vote like this. My gut reaction is that I don’t think of him as particularly sadistic. I don’t know if he takes as much joy in ripping an opponent apart as the other contenders, and he’s such a phenomenal wrestler, I don’t know if we see him resort to underhanded shenanigans as much, because frankly, he just doesn’t need to. But he definitely brings range and richness to this field that I love.

Flash LaCash enters the race with immense heel cred to his name. In 2016, he wrestled in Ring Wars 25 and Demolition 21. He digs his claws into an opponent with a consistent bemused detachment. Flash always starts off assuming that, once having seen his imposing, hot, handsome, muscled body, opponents will, when given the option, simply concede and save themselves a mountain of suffering. They never do, but Flash seems persistently surprised by their determination to get mauled. His initial detachment tends to bubble over into open, sadistic delight once he starts carving. He likes the taste of terror dripping off the bone. I know he has serious fan backing, but with only a couple of appearances last year, I don’t know if he’ll have momentum heading into the voting.

Back to defend his title, Guido Genatto makes a hard case to dispute. He didn’t exactly coast on last year’s success, showing up in 2016 in Biff Farrell’s Wrestler Spotlight, 3-Way Thrash 4, Last Man Standing 2, and Demolition 19. When it comes to heeling, I don’t know if Guido actually enjoys making another man hurt, as much as he enjoys being Guido. He fucking loves being Guido. And being Guido means bulldozing one chump after another, regularly doing housekeeping around his “Heel Hut,” and taking out the trash. There’s not a ton of nuance when it comes to Guido, I don’t think. There is no other mode than beast mode. He’s a force of nature. And he has a ton of crossover indy pro fans who worship the ground he takes a piss on. I have to think he’s odds on favorite for taking the title again this year.

Damn, Beaux made a huge impression on the nominating committee in his debut year. He muscles his way into contention for Top Heel on the merit of just two appearances in 2016, his debut in X-Fight 40 and his follow up in Dark Knights 13. Debuting as a top tier heel is an incredible feat. Beaux’s got the whole package to be nothing short of a wrecking ball as a chiseled, sub-bass bad ass with a porn star cock and a relish for molding opponents into worshippers. The flaming tats licking his calves capture this moment in time best: Beaux is on fire, and if he were to jump in line ahead of these other 5 contenders, I’d call this the biggest upset of the decade.

Best Butt

I prefer to think of this as “Most Awesome Ass.” I don’t remember how many times Kid Karisma has successfully defended his title, but fortunately for me, he’s back again to flex those glorious glutes side-by-side with 5 other studs who think they’ve got what it takes to unseat his legendary backside. One more major shocker on the ballot this year is the absence of Trophy Boy Ty Alexander. No one, and I mean no one is prouder of his pretty ass than Ty, and I’m certain that the Trophy Boy is smarting from the snub from the academy. But we’ve got a job to do, and it’s looking at these 6 asses that were nominated. I suppose the only question is how do you like your ass served? Bubble butts? Taut and athletic? Striated, carved muscle? Thick and luxurious? Whatever your taste, tuck in and take a look at this year’s contenders.

I can’t remember if Jake Jenkins has been a contender for the title of Best Butt before, but he’s certainly classing up the place with that thoroughbred derriere this time around. Jake wrestled in Chace LaChance’s spotlight, Undagear 25, and Catch-Weight 7. His cheeks are crafted by function. His ass isn’t extravagant, certainly not the most muscular or the roundest in the bunch. But it’s perfectly suited to his athleticism and flexibility. I know that JJ has an immense fan following, and I know that there are plenty of fans who prefer their wrestlers’ butts lean and taut. If there’s a split vote between some of the Tom of Finland physiques in this race, JJ could very well pull out the upset.

Speaking of a Tom of Finland physique, we finally arrive at the category that I think Van Skyler makes his most compelling case for. Again, Van only showed off his moneymaker in Undeagear 26 at the end of 2016. His cheeks are sensationally round and lush and squeezable (just ask Payton Meadows). This is prime go-go boy butt, built off what I assume are equal parts wrestling, dancing, and genetics. I think his fan following is quickly growing, but I don’t know if it’s big enough to let him overtake the likes of Kid K. But even a Kid K fanatic like me has to acknowledge that on pure aesthetics, on fantasy man fuckability and sheer beauty, Van’s ass is a serious challenge to Kid K’s dominance.

Fuuuuuuck. Sorry, I just get lightheaded looking at Kid Karisma’s multi-award winning muscle glutes. He put that fine ass to work in 2016 wrestling in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18. I know the Ginger Warrior gets a little tired of us neglecting to worship every other inch of his magnificent physique, but once he strips down to a jock strap and looks the other way, time stops for just a fraction of a second. I’m ready to vote for Kid K for ass of the decade, possibly even ass of the century. Although, all that said, I was blown away by a particular rookie ass in 2016 that made me, for just an instant, forget my absolute loyalty to Kid K’s glutes. Not enough to take my vote, but enough for me to take note to see what could happen in 2017.

Kelly King’s beefy butt also shows up in the polls for the fans of big, juicy, working class glutes. He only wrestled in Biff Farrell’s spotlight in 2016, which might leave him a little lacking in momentum for a poll like this. Honestly, I think this nod to Kelly’s hot ass takes even the BG East back office boys by surprise, because I had a hard, hard time finding a posed shot showing off Kelly’s generous ass. I don’t think he’s been packaged and sold for what a magnificent butt he possesses, but fans and the nominating crew have, nevertheless, noticed. He has indy pro fans, of course, and heel fans at BG East love him, but between just one appearance and a lack of marketing attention paid to his (no less fuckable) ass, I think he’s a long shot for the title this year.

On the one hand, I’m surprised to see newbie Payton Meadows in the final heat of this race ahead of other famous ass-fan objects of lust like Ty and Cameron. Payton debuted this year in Undagear 25 and made my heart stop in Undagear 26. His ass just isn’t as round or muscular as Kid K or Van’s, but holy hell, on the other hand, Payton’s ass is as pretty as they come. Still photos just don’t capture what a fantastic, fantasyman ass this rookie possesses. As I’ve said before, I don’t think a lot of us have discovered his charms yet, and unless you put eyes to the Undagear 26 video evidence, you may not appreciate just what hypnotizing, compelling, fuckable ass he brings to the game. I’ll be shocked if he pulls it out this year, but I predict that if I see those French Canadian glutes looking that perky and pretty in action again, 2017 very well could be the year I stray from my knee jerk loyalty to Kid K.

I’m tickled to see Biff Farrell’s ass in the mix this year. Biff worked that ass hard in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. I think this side of him makes a more compelling case than his fight for Best Bulge this year. His ass is a happy compromise between Jake’s and Kelly’s. Round, strong, generous without jiggle, it suits Biff’s beefcake brawler body perfectly. I’d love to see opponent’s appreciate Biff’s assets more. He’s fucking stunning from head to toe, but opponent’s seem to inevitably dive right in to hatin’ and bashin’ on him. Slow down. On behalf of us all, marvel at the wonder that is this big, blond, blue-eyed, bulging beefcake. Take some extra time caressing that beautiful ass. If Biff’s ass was more of the story in his matches, I think I’d give him better odds for Best Butt. But as it is, Biff has a ton of fans who would give a kidney to get their hands on his ass, so he’s hardly a longshot.

Don’t forget to vote. As we all know, having the objective qualifications that make a candidate obviously superior and vastly more qualified don’t amount to victory if people don’t vote. Feel free to make your case for your favorites in the comments below.

And the Nominees Are…

January 7, 2017 wrestlebardLeave a comment

Continuing down your BG East Best of 2016 ballot, let’s give a long, hard look at the candidates for the next two categories.

Best Body

This is such a brutal category. We could kvetch for days about the ambiguity of those two simple words: best and body. I’ve heard from a few corners a call for more diverse types of bodies for voting, which I get, and I agree with. If I’ve learned nothing else from blogging about homoerotic wrestling for nearly 8 years, I’ve learned that there is a huge range to what turns us on, collectively speaking. Well, this year the nominating committee landed on what I think is a nice range, and in yet another shocker (to me at least), Chace LaChance was not nominated, and thus won’t be eligible to defend his title. Still, this is a very competitive race in which you are sure to find someone who blows your… mind.

Muscling his way into yet another best of category in 2016 is on-fire newbie Beauxregard. Beauxregard debuted in X-Fight 40 and also appeared in Dark Knights 13. He’s a mountain of muscle. I’m infatuated with his lower leg tats. I’m in awe of his monster cock. He’s a magnificent specimen built for the sole purpose of destroying other men and fucking them into oblivion. As I said when discussing his chances at winning Best Abs, I don’t know if he has the fan following yet to power him ahead of some of the other nominees. And if the plurality still swings for fitness model pretty, Beaux’s in trouble. But this is a year for upsets, now, isn’t it?

The nominating committee most definitely likes the looks of Van Sklyer, considering he’s been nominated for every “body” category, including Best Body. Again, Van only appeared in Undagear 26, just barely squeezing that match in before 2016 was up. But no doubt, he makes a big, big impression with that gorgeous body of his. He’s got total pin-up boy potential, and there isn’t an angle of him that isn’t stunningly pretty. And, of course, the face is part of the body, so those bedroom eyes and lush, thick, suckable lips have to be factored into the equation. And his ass, and his bulge, but I’ll discuss those later.

Fans who’ve been waiting for a serious muscle monster to vote for Best Body, wait no longer, because Big Barry Burke has squeezed those gargantuan shoulders into this tight, tight field. Barry only showed up in 2016 to Demolish Kip Sorell, but like Van, that one appearance compelled the nominating committee to put him up for Best Body. The sheer size of this beast is argument enough, but I suspect his mass may distract from the fact that he’s got magnificent aesthetics. That huge, that ripped, that proportional from top to bottom. Fantastic mountain of a muscleman. When he isn’t ripping opponents apart limb by limb, he’s actually crazy handsome, as well. He could totally take this, I think, unless the pretty caucus gets behind one candidate.

Which brings us to my perennial choice for Best Body, my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler, Kid Karisma. Kid K wrestled in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18 in 2016. I could not be more infatuated with a body than I am with his. As I mentioned yesterday, Kid K also stands out for the incredible consistency he shows up with, match after match, ripped, bulging, not a hair out of place. If this is a year for pretty and fitness model factions to swing the vote, it’s got to be Kid Karisma. Gingers rule!

Of course if it’s painfully pretty you’re after, feel free to check Kip Sorell for Best Body. Kip got demolished in Demolition 20, Demolition 21, and Bearhug Beatings 2 last year. He’s got Superman’s upper body, of course, but I think his weakness is below the waist. Fans eat him up with a spoon, though, and what accounts for “best” may be everything that Kip has in abundance.

And again, I’m delightedly stunned to see the committee include Payton Meadows in the mix for Best Body. Payton showed upon the scene in 2016 and wrestled in Undagear 25 and Undagear 26. As I mentioned yesterday, I think he’s established even less traction than fellow newbie nominee Beaux, which makes him a long shot. But just read my rationale for selecting him for my most recent homoerotic wrestler of the month, and you’ll see why I say that if Kid Karisma weren’t in the mix, I’d be spending my precious vote on the French Canadian’s sensational body. Ripped. Dazzlingly gorgeous. Better complexion than Van. Prettier than Kip. If Payton sticks around in 2017, I think he could generate a massive following… particularly in that jock strap.

Best Bulge

The Best Bulge category could similarly be parsed out between various measures of “good.” However, the history of voting in this category has strongly suggested that what fans think of as Best is all about size. Pete Sharp didn’t show his gargantuan pouch at all in 2016, sadly, and it’s been ages since we’ve had the opportunity to marvel at Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!). So feast your eyes on the selection of meat vying for the title in 2016.

Yep. Again. Van Skyler made a clean sweep of the physical attribute categories, including taking the pole position (pun intended) for Best Bulge. Let’s be honest here, the part of Van’s body seared into our memories and imaginations isn’t his crotch. However, his bulge is perfectly suited to everything else about him. Proportionate and pretty, he’s swinging pipe, no doubt. He may not have the largest frank and beans in contention, but what he’s got is undeniably tasty.

Everything about Guido Genatto is huge, so it could be easy to overlook that his bulge is, as well. Guido wrestled in Biff Farrell’s Wrestler Spotlight, 3-Way Thrash 4, Last Man Standing 2, and Demolition 19. I find it difficult to zoom in on just one aspect of the “Dirty Daddy.” He’s a total package of badassness, muscle belly, edgy/over-the-edge trash talk, and total domination. I’m sure plenty of fans have keyed off on his daddy bulge, though, and he seems to be one of those characters who can do no wrong in his fans eyes. So perhaps this is his year to take home Best Bulge.

Jonny Firestorm’s bulge is legendary. I think I once read an interview with Kid Leopard in which he named Jonny as possessing one of the biggest cocks in the business. In 2016, Jonny wrestled in 3-Way Thrash 4, 3-Way Thrash 3, Ring Wars 25, and Hunkbash 18. I think Jonny could be the dark horse in this field, primarily based on the rabid fan following his has systematically built over the years.

Ethan Andrews has a HUGE claim to make for the title of Best Bulge. Ethan only wrestled in Undagear 25 in 2016, which could make him relatively forgettable in the minds of voters, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a massive underground wrestling following that stretches across at least 3 or 4 different production companies. Oh, and that behemoth in his pouch. That’s just fucking hard to forget. He’s lean, which may help his gargantuan bulge seem that much more massively huge, but any way you stack it up against the competition (which sounds like fun), Ethan’s bulge has got to be one of, if not the, biggest of the bunch.

Biff Farrell is another surprise contender for the title of Best Bulge, in my estimation. was busy in 2016 wrestling in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. Honestly, when reading the ballot, I thought to myself, “Does Biff have a particularly impressive bulge?” In researching this voter’s guide, I discovered, yes, yes he does. I think this is another case of big, big muscles distracting from a very hefty pouch. His trunks don’t always accentuate this aspect of his assets, but knowing the army of Biff’s fans ready to rally to his cry, he could very well be a strong contender for Best Bulge.

My vote for Best Bulge is going to go to Kirk Donahue, and not solely so that I can tauntingly report that he’s a huge dick. He swung that pipe in Babyface Brawl 4, Demolition 20, and Gazebo Grappler 18 in 2016. And that bulge was eye catching, even for someone like me fixated on watching his ass getting beat. There I am, over and over, reveling in his smart ass, sugary sweet smirk getting rubbed off, preferably with his opponent’s ass, and I keep getting distracted by that gargantuan bulge! Honestly, my enjoyment of watching him take a beating aside, for a babyface indy pro, Kirk’s got a seriously magnificent bulge that only one audience could appreciate to it’s fullest: you and me.

And if you think the biggest surprises are behind us, just wait!

And the Nominees Are…

January 6, 2017 wrestlebardLeave a comment

I love how the energy picks up when the ballots are made available for BG East’s annual year-end “Best Of” awards. They dropped yesterday, and there’s already a flurry of activity, back room dealing, out and out lobbying, and possible bribery on the table. There’s something so quintessentially pro wrestling about the depths these awards drag us into. The link to the ballot is available in the banner of the BG East homepage, however, it looks like at least some mobile device browsers may not be able to view it, so you can go there directly from this link. You’ve got until midnight of next Thursday, January 12, to register your opinions.

It’s a very robust field of nominees this year. Six candidates for almost every category, and the field is packed with a nice range. Last year I ran out of time to handicap the entire ballot, so I’m going to try to move more quickly this time to take a look at the range of bests at BG East in the service of informing voters not so familiar with all of the candidates. Even at first glance, I’m seeing some major surprises in who is, and who is not, on the ballot, so fasten your seat belts and let’s start this voter’s guide to the BG East Besties. For today, let’s take a look the first two categories.

Top Babyface

The first category you’ll find on the ballot this year is for babyface. Jake Jenkins has OWNED this category for the past 4 years running. I think Jake’s possession of this title may be the longest streak in the history of the Besties. But he’s up against stiff, stiff competition this year, and I’m not just talking about Christian Taylor’s lovely erection in Wet & Wild 8. Let’s take a look at the field.

Jake wrestled in 3 matches released by BG East in 2016: Undagear 25, Chace LaChance’s Wrestler Spotlight, and Catch-weight 7. I’ve been a huge JJ fan from the very beginning. He’s dominant on the mats, dangerous in the ring, and totally convinced (often rightfully so) that his strength, speed, and skill will be more than a match for any and every opponent. He’s got to be the odds on favorite to win again, and I’m teetering on spending my vote on either JJ or one other particular candidate vying to unseat him this year.

My hunch is that Jake’s biggest competition, both literally and figuratively, is likely big, bulging, blue-eyed beefcake Biff Farrell. Biff starred in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. The most productive candidate, Biff also commands an army of nearly rabid fans who savor every bulge and bounce, every muscle and move that Biff possesses. So many wrestlers have worn the stars and stripes, but Biff has nearly made them his signature gear, which makes a strong case for his upstanding, patriotic, Protestant work ethic credentials as a babyface. While I’ve always bought stock in big Biff, this year he isn’t on my short list for this category, but I know for a fact he’s on a whole lot of fans’ lists.

Christian Taylor is the babyface beauty who is tempting me to abandon my loyalties to Jake this year. Christian wrestled in Mat Hunks 10, Tag Team Torture 19, Undagear 26, and Wet & Wild 8. I agree with a recent comment I noticed online that called Christian out for possibly being the prettiest penny in BG East’s pocket… ever. He’s earnest without being uptight. His coverboy good looks disguise his seriously dangerous potential in the ring, on the mats, and in the pool. And if there’s anything that just might tip my vote Christian’s way this year, it very well may be the good natured, entirely enthusiastic way he seals off 90% of his matches, win or lose, with a kiss.

Living anatomy chart Kip Sorell is always in the thick of things when it comes to fan favorite babyfaces. Kip got demolished in Demolition 20, Demolition 21, and Bearhug Beatings 2. I do think he may have the babiest of baby faces in contention this year. There’s something sort of intoxicating about possessing the face of an 18 year old (at most) and the body of a 25 year old go-go boy. He’s been cannon fodder pretty much from start to finish in his career, this year in particular. I think of him more as a practice dummy than an earnest young babyface hero, but I know full well that there’s plenty of support to push him into contention as top babyface in 2016.

Trey Dixon was one of my hottest stock picks of 2015. He was nearly MIA in 2016, however, wrestling only in Masked Destroyers 1. The living model of the Oscars statue is sex on two legs, as far as I’m concerned, and if the category was which wrestler I’d like to give an all over tongue bath to, Trey would most likely win walking away. But he was devastatingly thrashed in his one and only match of 2016, and it’s hard to see him pulling this one out against so many much more productive, hard working, nose to the grindstone babyfaces. I’m sending up a prayer to the homoerotic wrestling gods that we get to see much, much more of Trey in 2017.

Kirk Donahue is back, this time making a case for being Top Babyface in the company. Kirk wrestled in Babyface Brawl 4, Demolition 20, and Gazebo Grappler 18. I’ve made no bones about my antipathy toward Kirk. It was his shocking, nay, scandalous entry into these very Bestie nominations just two years ago that started me wanting to see this smirking Howdy Doody get his ass beat again and again. Truthfully, he probably does fall into the babyface category nicely, and he’s a phenomenal wrestler with an awesome capacity for soaking up punishment. I honestly don’t know the depth of his fan following, probably because I start bitching loudly about those shenanigans two years ago, shouting down any other opinions, anytime anyone brings him up in conversation. He’s hot shit, no doubt, but I think he’s a long shot for the title of Top Babyface, and that’s not just my longstanding grudge talking.

Best Abs

The Best Abs award has been changing hands in the last few years. Last year, it was Kip Sorell sending shock waves through the industry by ripping the title away from juggernaut and general of an army of fans, Z-Man. Well prepare for another shocker, because NO ONE who has every won this title in the past even broke into the top 6 contenders this year. Kip, Z-Man, Eli, sit the fuck down. There’s going to be a new sheriff in town before this is all over.

I am shocked shitless that newbie Beauxregard made it onto this extremely competitive ballot! Beauxregard debuted in X-Fight 40 and also appeared in Dark Knights 13. There was a collective gasp heard round the internet when this muscle freak started flexing his insanely built body in the BG East ring. Spines started tingling when that gravelly base voice started making opponents’ knees quiver. And I know I’m not the only one who got lightheaded at the first look of his monster cock. Based on past performance, my sense is that voters tend toward ripped and pretty when they vote for this category. Beaux’s abs are unquestionably granite hard, and he’s taken several dozen punches to the gut in just two matches, amounting to fuck all for his opponents, other than bruised knuckles. Still, I think the newbie is a long shot for this title, this year, based on a relative nascent fan base.

Regular readers know how I feel about Lon Dumont, namely, profoundly aroused and perpetually at the ready with a bottle of baby oil to worship him. Lon only wrestled in Demolition 19 in 2016, but his conditioning in that match was spectacular. Every year, I lobby hard for this pro wrestler turned competitive bodybuilder turned pro wrestler turned competitive bodybuilder to get the praise his magnificent physique and outstanding wrestling deserves. My vote is definitely leaning Lon’s way once again, and with past winners shut out of nominations, maybe this is Lon’s year to take the title.

If this is the year that pretty wins the day, then it very well could be Van Skyler dazzling his way into the title. Van’s one and only appearance in 2016 was in Undagear 26. I don’t think of Van’s abs when I think of which parts of his show-stopping physique I most desperately need to worship, but no one can argue that his incredibly lean, taut, tight abs are perfectly suited to his lean, taught, tight everything else. My sense is that Van is quickly growing a very strong fan caucus that would vote for him for absolutely anything, so he very well might pull out an upset aided by those lush, pouty lips and that jaw dropping ass. I named him first runner up for possessing the best back of 2016, but there’s no Bestie for that.

Kid Karisma’s abs, like the rest of his physique, are persistently and perpetually impeccable. Kid K wrestled in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18, and his level of fitness is both phenomenal and a constant. There’s a reason I’ve kept my title of favorite homoerotic wrestler dialed into Kid K for so long now. Well, there are several, but one of them is his spectacular body. I’m jumping the gun when I say that he continues to be my hands down, no other possible choice for Best Body, head to toe. He also may, possibly, sway my wavering hand to vote his way instead of Lon’s, but it’s incredibly close.

I’m guessing that the odds on favorite to take the title this year is likely last year’s Best Body winner, Chace LaChance. Chace wrestled in Gazebo Grapplers 18, Catch Weight 7, and in 3 matches for his Wrestler Spotlight feature. Chace has a ton of quickdraw fans who enjoy studying his incredibly sexy body probably even a tad more than they like watching his wrestling. My only ding against Chace is that there are 3 different versions of his abs that showed up in 2016 products. I’m certain that it’s more an artifact of the way that BG East releases matches out of chronological order, so I’m sure it’s entirely unfair of me to knock Chace for it, but unlike, for example, Kid K, Chace’s conditioning and the particular presentation of his abs vary from match to match (even within his Wrestler Spotlight matches). His abs are never unsexy. I’d like to saddle up to that torso and pound one out on his go-go boy body, his bruiserweight belly, and his fitness model six-pack. Maybe there’s something foreshadowing about the fact that he ended the year by beating the living fuck out of the inaugural title holder. I won’t be surprised at all if Chace wins, regardless of where my vote goes.

The last shocker in this category is my latest crush, newbie sex bomb Payton Meadows. Like Beauxregard, Payton debuted in 2016, wrestling first in Undagear 25 and then closing out the year with his highly combustible performance in Undagear 26, for which I just yesterday awarded him myHomoerotic Wrestler of the Month title. I say Payton’s appearance on the ballot is a shocker not because his abs aren’t out of this world, but because my sense has been his debut didn’t put him on a lot of radars, and the buzz about his late year match has only just really started. All of that said, going back to my earlier supposition that this title is typically based on equal parts ripped and pretty, Payton could very well be a strong contender. I still say the timing is off for him to take the title this year, but if his performance in Undagear 26 moves you even 1/10 as much as it moved me, I could easily understand how this French Canadian exhibitionist could talk you into voting “oui!” for his abs.

Like I said, I’m wavering here and there about where my votes will go, so comment below to let me know who you think deserves to win.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

January 5, 2017 wrestlebard3 Comments

I have a few more reviews to write for December releases, but I’m ready to crown the final HWOTM for the year 2016. There were a lot of very high quality matches last month, with a number of outstanding performances that would have earned the title in less competitive months. But I was smitten. In fact, my level of instant infatuation sort of startled me just a bit. Rounding out the HWOTM title holders for 2016 is none other than…

…Payton Meadows.

I’m not the only one who wants a piece of Payton

I’ve been noticing lately that I’m getting turned on by smarts. Intelligence is the unsung hero of my crotch these days. So when Payton faced off against body beautiful Van Skyler last month in Undagear 26, he yanked my crank with both hands by whipping out that razor sharp wit. “Pain is not mandatory,” he lectures in that cock warming French Canadian accent.”You should give up, you should,” he calmly advises like a guidance counselor. “Pain is just weakness leaving the body,” he coos like a yogi as he rips Van apart in an abdominal stretch. He’s like the Pietro Boselli of Montreal, if Pietro was a philosophy professor instead of into numbers.

It would be disingenuous of me to imply that I crushed on Payton just for his brains, though. That. Body. Honestly, I’ve been waiting to hand Van an award of some sort for over a year, because he has all of the raw ingredients to absolutely become the Fantasyman franchise. So I’ve been waiting for that first victory, that first flash of charisma and personality. And he showed up to Undagear 26 and absolutely delivered it! I love him in this. He’s relentless and mean. He’s ready to grab hold of some underwear model and whittle him down to a sniveling little bitch, which, ultimately, he sort of does. This match really should have been entirely about putting him over. And I’m pretty sure a lot of fans read it that way. But for me, shockingly, out of nowhere, there’s one fatal spoiler to that narrative: Payton Meadows goes toe to toe in comparison to every one of Van’s obvious assets.

Other fans whose opinions I respect immensely couldn’t take their eyes off of Van, but I was instantly and continue to be infatuated with Payton’s body. I almost couldn’t believe it the first 5 minutes or so, that (in my opinion, granted) someone, anyone, was upstaging Van’s physique. Like, seriously, I was questioning my reality. Is this actually happening, or am I having a ministroke? Am I actually wanting Van to take the offense because it’s showing off Payton’s body in the foreground!?

The kicker came when Payton took a victory lap after violently wrenching his first submission out of Van, by throwing him to the floor and ripping Van’s trunks off. This should have been the moment that the choir of angels broke out into 8 part harmony in my head at the first glimpse of Van’s magnificent muscled cheeks unleashed. And, absolutely, I fucking loved watching him getting stripped. But then Payton just stands there, legs spread wide, leering down at the fantasyman, and lifts his arms up, silently demanding to have his own briefs removed. The fucking balls on this newbie, insisting on going skin for skin with the mostly dazzlingly pretty piece of ass to hit the industry in the past 2 years!

And Van does. And that choir of angels blasts in my eardrums. Like fucking Jesus the Redeemer, Payton stands there with arms outstretched wearing a perfectly fit jockstrap. Perfectly smooth complexion. Perfect proportions. Perfectly aesthetic muscle tone. And what has to be the most delicious looking ass on the planet.

Payton sweetly sells the cocky, dazzling young upstart who is convinced of his superiority, but who, slowly, despairingly, gets worn down to a nub. He keeps trash talking, even as Van opens up some distance. “I’m just getting warmed up!” Payton snarls defiantly when Van demands another submission. All that gorgeous, bronzed muscle gets owned, over and over, and Payton’s smart ass trash talk starts to reveal that he’s coming to terms with the harsh reality that he’s getting trashed hard. He goes from unbreakable to beaten with nuance and authenticity.

And when he’s starting to really get bullied and humiliated, he racks Van’s balls with his forearm, picks him up by that same forearm, and pins the fantasyman agains the wall still getting racked, off his feet. Pinned to the wall. Actually pinned to the wall. It’s powerful and brilliant. It isn’t a move that an underwear model dabbling in gay wrestling would attempt. It’s got attitude and ego. It’s threatening and soul/ball crushing. After all the smartassness is worn away and Payton comes face to face with his own mortality, he responds by going beast mode. Fuck, I love that moment.

Even in defeat, Payton grabs a handful of glory

Payton’s had a hard couple of debut matches. I get the impression that he may not have grabbed his audience the first time around. But I’m praying to the homoerotic wrestling gods that there’s another season for this unquestionable hit. He has all of the potential to be a breakout star, and he deserves every last ounce of the homoerotic wrestler of the month crown.

Meadows

December 16, 2016 wrestlebard1 Comment

It’s as if December new releases are extra titillating in an effort to sneak into the final spot of 2016 favorites when the retrospectives start to come. Another tasty offering from BG East’s catalog 116 surprised me by just how provoked I was. Making a regular diet of homoerotic wrestling for going on 8 years of blogging now, I’m probably one of the more jaded fans of the genre. So when something catches me off guard, when I catch myself saying, “I don’t think I’ve seen anything quite like that before,” it’s a notable delight. So I was thoroughly delighted by the opening match in Undagear 26, pitting phenomenal fan favorite Van Skyler against sophomore sex bomb Payton Meadows.

I was excited to read Joe’s take on this match already. As is the case 99% of the time, I agree with Joe in spirit. Like Joe, I found this match bawdy and beautiful. Like Joe, I was eager to take a long look (with many pushes of the pause button) at body-beautiful Van seeing if he can find his groove in a new wrestling context. Like Joe, the muscles and combat and power and sweat made “my pants itchy.”

However, as is equally often the case, I had a slightly different take on some of the details. I find that seeing things slightly differently from Joe is reassuring for me, because otherwise, what would be the point of both of us blogging? In this case, whereas Joe pegs physique aesthete Van as “his” guy, my eyes are riveted almost from start to finish on the smoldering Quebecois. This takes me completely off guard. Payton didn’t grab me by the balls quite like this in his debut earlier this year. My hunch is that his first match and this one were both taped around the same time (same context, same general appearance), but somehow, it’s like I’m seeing Payton for the first time. And fuck me sideways, I like what I see a whole, whole lot.

“Feel that bicep on your neck, too tight for you?” “Just… just a little.”

Van seems about 20% more bad ass than in his first two matches, which is a relief. Someone who looks that pretty and gets bulldozed so commandingly can dig quite a rut for himself in this business. Most of us enjoy watching a superhuman specimen of muscular development like Van get knocked down to mortality, I think. In this business, there’s an inherent vulnerability to being that wildly pretty, with those perfected proportions, with that seemingly impenetrable muscled arsenal just begging to get penetrated. In Undagear 26, he’s noticeably more aggressive. He’s got a plan that doesn’t stop at a complete un-self-reflected assumption that because he looks like a live action version of a comic book superhero, he’s destined to win. In his first couple of matches, I got a sense that Van expected that someone who looks as fucking sensational as he does simply deserves to have victory served up on a platter, which was, of course, his spectacular undoing. But squaring off against Payton, there’s something more devious and determined about him, or, as Joe puts it, he tackles this new assignment with more brio.

Van’s vigor is remarkably well met by Payton’s sheer force of will. Having acknowledged that I found myself wholeheartedly on team Payton, it may seem paradoxical to admit that in their opening posedown muscle comparison, I objectively have to give the edge to Van. Payton’s legs are a fraction more petite. His lat spread may be a little more ripped, but Van’s wing span is simply broader. On sheer size alone, Van’s double bicep pose casts a long shadow across Payton’s nearly, but not quite as thick peaks. But the French Canadian doesn’t concede an inch. “That doesn’t beat this,” Payton snarls with that sexy Quebecois accent that always sounds supremely sophisticated to my provincial ears. “No way, not a chance,” he insists, stepping in front of the self-proclaimed “It-Boy” and dialing up his own blinding beauty an extra hard pumped flex, broadcasting his powerfully persuasive cocky certainty in his own superiority. I’m seriously shocked to discover that if I had the opportunity to get my lustful, worshipping hands on either of these magnificent men at that very moment, I’d be all over Payton despite Van’s piece by piece superiority.

We’re going to have an argument about these asses, aren’t we?

Well, there’s one piece of Payton that I would argue is superior: his ass. At the risk of calling down a mountain of heat from Van-fans, I just have to say, as magnificent and muscled an ass as Van possesses, Payton’s ass takes my breath away even more. Seriously, please don’t send me hate mail, because I freely acknowledge we’re talking shades of gray here. These are four outstandingly sexy ass cheeks. But I have to be honest here when I say that pushing rewind happened most frequently around my lustful appreciation of Payton’s derriere. And what angles we get! Holy fuck, I’m pretty sure an experienced physician could do a proctology exam on Payton just by watching the last 3/5ths of this match once he’s wrestling in a jock strap. The camera clearly loves that ass as much as I do. And he’s completely unselfconscious about showing it off, flexed, twisted, stretched, split wide… I get the impression that Payton knows that every hill and valley on him is intoxicatingly pretty. When he forcibly strips Van down to a thong, Payton requires that Van obey his command to peel off his own baby blue designer briefs, because no way in hell is the Quebecois stunner going to let Van show more skin for even a second.

Clearly I’m not he only one who enjoys a close-up look at Payton’s ass

I haven’t even really started talking about the wrestling, have I? The outrageous quantity of dazzling beauty in this match is hard to understate. But let me just appreciate the action itself, as well. It’s powerful and intense. For two bodies built like sprinters, the wrestling is actually quite focused on long-distance endurance. Van Pearl Harbors the International Delight mid-posedown because, I think, he recognizes that he’s getting out-prettied. Early days bodyscissors allow Van to demonstrate just how dominant his massive legs can be, grinding into Payton’s ripped, tanned torso. “That’s all you have?!” the Quebecois beauty taunts defiantly. He literally begs for more punishment, taking every ounce of pressure Van can muster and dismissing it with a smirk.

When Van exploits his advantage by reaching down and slowly, appraisingly stroking Payton’s gorgeously ripped torso, the erotic tension dials up about twice anything I’ve ever seen Van in before. I can’t tell if he wants to fuck Payton even half as much as I do, but he is clearly impressed with his body, finding it irresistible to refrain from from palming every bulge and divot. “You think you got muscle, eh?” Van taunts, his hands undermining his words. “They don’t seem to be working too much for you.” Payton muscles his way out of one predicament, only to be herded like cattle into a grinding, jeopardizing choke. “Feel that bicep on your neck,” Van crows, bearing down. “Too tight for you?” he asks tauntingly. “Just… just a little,” Payton grunts like a smart ass.

0108_lg — “Thank you, it was itching a bit, but that helps.”

Payton, it turns out, is a HUGE smart ass. Van is controlling him hard early going, working him into a very cool ankle choke. “How do you like those legs?” he asks rhetorically, because quite obviously they are punishing and possibly close to putting Payton out. “They’re kinda strong,” Payton coughs out like the smart ass I’m discovering that he is at heart. “Thank you,” he smirks when he escapes, rubbing his throat, “it was itching a bit, but that helps.” The taunting sarcasm is strong in this one, and I kinda love it. The combo of a rocking hot body, gorgeously innocent baby face, and over the top smart assness gives him a strong Ryan Reynolds vibe.

A couple of moments in the wrestling stand out as particularly hot. One starts with Van working some exciting momentum and that aforementioned planning to slide Payton’s baby face into deep, smothering face-to-crotch headscissors. Let’s see a show of hands of Van-fans who would donate a kidney to trade places with Payton right then and there? Perhaps all that smart assness is taking an emotional toll on Van, because he seems to particularly relish the way this hold finally shuts up that snarling, sarcastic, biting wit pouring out of the French Canadian. I for one am really, really pleased to study the erotic sculpture that is this tightly clenched mojo-stealer of a hold. But then, out of nowhere, Payton climbs up to his hands and knees, pulling Van’s hips off the mat. Fuck, I’m thinking, this pretty boy is strong! Then, up off his hands, Payton powers up to a kneeling position, rolling Van up to his shoulders, still clamped onto that face-to-crotch with everything he’s got, and perhaps a little twinge of panic added on. Fuck, I’m thinking again, this pretty boy is really strong! Then Payton pulls his feet underneath him and powers up out of the squat pulling Van completely off the mat, hanging from that face-to-crotch, dangling there, squeezing with everything he’s got, Payton’s head completely enveloped between those huge, thick quads. And then, BAM, BAM, BAM!!! Payton slams that huge, strong, thick back that Van was showing off earlier into the mat with authority. You can pretty much see the stars circling Van’s head as he loses his grip on the headscissors and for the next three or so minutes gets absolutely muscle bullied by the provocatively accented international baby face beauty.

“Pain is just weakness leaving the body.”

It turns out, in addition to being devastatingly beautiful and delightfully smart ass, Payton is also a vicious mother fucker on offense. He rips Van’s muscled legs open wide and pounds his knees into his hamstrings. “You like it, don’t you?” Payton asks in that cocky, aristocratic accent. “Feels good, eh?” he asks. Payton is wailing incoherently in response. “This is just too hard for you, my friend,” the Quebecois beauty taunts him ironically. He wraps himself around Van in an abdominal stretch, turning Van’s bulging muscle physique into taffy. Van gasps and whimpers, with a rising panic. “You like it? It’s fun, eh?” Payton beams down on his handiwork. “Just a regular day for me,” he coos, abruptly wrenching Van’s hot legs spread eagled hard in a spladle. Van can muster no other response than writhing in agony, gasping, silently clenching his teeth and, presumably, his sphincter. “Pain is not mandatory,” Payton mocks, reminding his opponent that his diabolical torture can end with two simple words. “Pain is just weakness leaving the body,” the French Canadian monologues like a supervillain. When he digs a claw into Van’s quivering abdominals all stretched out and helpless, Van cannot take it. “IgiveIgive!” he gasps in quiet panic. I, for one, seriously hate watching that magnificent torture session at the hands of perfectly, painfully pretty Payton come to an end.

When the first layer gets stripped to thong/jock strap, Van dials up the brutality considerably. Perhaps fearing that prettyboy rut I mentioned earlier, he starts muscle bullying the International Delight with renewed brio. They trade ass slapping, because this has got to be the sum total best quality ass match ever. Pretty quickly, Van snaps on a sequel, completely smothering, face-to-crotch headscissors, burying Payton’s pretty, pretty face deep into his big red bulge. Payton instantly slaps and strokes that fan-favorite ass of Van’s. “You like that ass, don’t you?” Van asks, “slap that ass!” he commands with a big smile, delighted to see that his charms are having as much an affect on Payton as vice versa. “You like that smell, that sweat?!” Van taunts, swiveling his hips, really stuffing Payton’s face in hard. Out of nowhere, the Quebecois accent muffled with a mouthful of balls, Payton snarls enthusiastically, “I kind of love it!” Oh, fuck, I am so on team Payton.

The last moment I want to mention from this match is one that Joe, and the match description allude to as well. Van is starting to rack up submissions on my boy. You can tell Payton is getting buried under, because his trash talk turns significantly less smart ass and more ego bruised. Van has been bullying him hard and mean, clawing his balls for no good reason, not giving him a break between yanking out submissions. Van locks him up in a sleeper from behind, threatening to bring this battle of the beauties to an abrupt end. It looks like it’s heading that way, in fact, when suddenly Payton reaches behind him and claws the living fuck out of Van’s testicles. Needless to say, that sleeper hold disintegrates in a slack jawed, air sucking wash of panic across Van’s face. Van crumples, but Payton drags him back to his feet. Deliberately, the French Canadian shove his arm between Van’s sweaty, meaty thighs and thrusts upward, racking the beefcake’s balls hard. It’s a little breathtaking, watching Van’s jaw drop and his eyes widen in shock. But then Payton keeps thrusting upward with his forearm, literally picking the It-Boy up, racked across his forearm, and pins him against the wall, Van’s feet dangling inches from the floor. Joe nails the metaphor of a pinned butterfly specimen. Gorgeous. Stuck. Possessed. And if there were any doubt if Payton’s gorgeous muscles have the power to compete against a comic book superhero like Van, that question is put to rest in what very well may be the juiciest, sexiest submission I have ever seen. Ever.

Juiciest, sexiest submission I have ever seen?

So are you team Payton or team Van? It’s not like you can go wrong either way. Whether you’re keying off on Joe’s guy or mine, you will enjoy the intimate, high impact, super sweaty power and beauty of this match. I see something new and seriously unexpected from both of these dazzlers. And given the opportunity, I’d be first in line to coat every inch of Van Skyler with multiple applications of baby oil. Unless Payton Meadows was the other option. Then I’d kick Van’s stellar ass cheeks to the curb and worship Mr. International Delight in body and soul.

I am breathless in anticipation of getting to see much, much more of what I saw in those thrilling 3 minutes of supervillain monologuing and surgical, diabolical, merciless muscle torture from Payton Meadows in Undagear 26.

And the Nominees Are…

January 21, 2016 wrestlebard5 Comments

Time’s a wasting, so if anyone is going to still benefit from seeing side by side (or top to bottom) comparisons of the nominees for BG East Bestie awards before polls close at midnight tomorrow night, I’d better get on it.

The Best Body category is an enigmatic one for me. Taking in the whole of a wrestler’s physique speaks to different tastes and attention. How the academy narrowed the field down to these six specimens, I can’t imagine, but it’s a very, very hot field to choose from.

Competition for Best Bulge is probably equally as subjective, but when we zoom in on the crotch, I have to think that size matters. In this case, these are the boys with the heft and volume to get nominations from the academy.

Pete Sharp (defending Best Bulge 2014 winner)

Nominees for Top Heel somehow seems like one of the clearest categories in the poll. The pro wrestling heel is an iconic role, and at BG East, it’s inhabited by some of the hottest, most merciless and vicious bad asses on the planet. Defending Top Heel of 2014, Kid Karisma, didn’t even make the cut this year, but this year’s field is incredibly competitive.

So who do you like, and who do you think got snubbed by the academy this year? Remember to vote by midnight tomorrow night, Friday, January 22.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Year: Reader’s Choice

January 5, 2016 wrestlebard1 Comment

278 of you voted for which of my homoerotic wrestlers of the month you’d pick to be homoerotic wrestler of the year for 2015. The results are definitive and indicative, I think, so let’s break it down.

With 28% of the vote, Ty Alexander wins the plurality as the reader’s choice homoerotic wrestler of the year. Ty worked for it. Ty always works for it. Both in the ring and in the world of social media, the Trophy Boy is a perfect study in having a plan and executing it to perfection. Fans love his bubble butt, ever tightening, taut twink bod, and his reckless enthusiasm for running face first into one steam roller after another. Ty has such a following because homoerotic wrestling fans love a full throttle, unapologetically erotic wrestling jobber. I suspect that July’s homoerotic wrestler of the month also owns this poll in part due to his ability to mobilize his social media following, which I think is indicative of the next level of the homoerotic wrestling business. Fans respond not only to Ty’s sensational sell in the ring, to his succulent body, to his endless ambition, but also to his commitment to exist, on a day to day basis, in our Twitter and FB feeds, to weave the fantasy of a hot, horny, humpable young stud into the fabric of our day to day lives. As I said back when I anointed him HWOTM in July, I think there’s a whole market waiting to get tapped by serious franchise players like Ty loving it, living it, and making us continue to peek behind the scenes of a wrestling shoot to fantasize in all sorts of new ways about the sexy studs living their wrestling dreams.

Mad Mykel brought him to his knees in Ring Releases 3.

Mason Brooks ripped Ty apart in Florida Fights 5.

Making a major play in the polls for second place with over 21% of the vote was 2015 rookie Sensation (with a capital S!), big, bulging, beautiful, buff, blond, blue-eyed, bombshell beefcake Biff Farrell.

I have to think Biff has got to make a very strong showing for this year’s rookie of the year in BG East’s Besties. He certainly grabbed my attention, and I know captured the homoerotic wrestling imaginations of a whole lot of us with incredibly impressive appearances in an amazing 4 new releases in his rookie year. It’s a rare newbie who makes such a splash at BG East to earn his way into 4 releases, 3 of which are stand alone single matches, 1 of which he’s even the title character for! Fans love his look, his magnificent muscles, his obvious enthusiasm for professional wrestling, and his sensational, muscled ass (I know, that’s part of his magnificent muscles, but it deserves it’s own mention). I’ve also been on the big Biff bandwagon for the duration because I’m growing more and more infatuated with the character he’s selling better and better with each match. Fans love a big, muscled babyface rookie who can, from the start, take it every ounce as successfully as he dishes it out. I believe the sky’s the limit with my December homoerotic wrestler of the month, and I’m just saying a prayer to the homoerotic wrestling gods that he hasn’t peaked too soon, because I hope to see a lot more of him in 2016.

Lon Dumont gives fans what they want, forcing rookie Biff to flex.

Biff learns what BGE heels do with pretty faces in Rookie Wreckers 2: Biff’s Beating.

Biff’s first babyface victory, wrecking his own rookie in Ripped Rookies 2: Backyard Battle

Biff finished very strong, determined to cut short Joe Mazetti’s epic Comeback.

Coming in third in the voting with 13%, sophomore heel rising Kayden Keller grabbed hold of hearts and loyalties (not to mention balls) with a vengeance in 2015.

Kayden only appeared in 2 releases for BG East this year (though it seems like more, doesn’t it? honestly?). But that was enough to keep his fans gagging for more. If his showing in the polls demonstrates anything, I think it shows us that homoerotic wrestling fans always, always have a place in their fondest fantasies for a sensational, sadistic, explicitly erotic wrestling heel. He abundantly earned his HWOTM title for October by selling one of the best surprises in homoerotic wrestling for 2015, getting sleepered out cold by the shockingly eager erotic debut of little, lithe, lovely Leo Tomasi. I know there are some fans who saw that as a major blow to Kayden’s obvious play to climb the ranks of BG East’s resident, reigning heels, but I found the unexpected drama to be probably the most compelling wrestling narrative of the year. And in case you haven’t seen the match, suffice it to say that despite Leo’s shocking moment in the sun (with Kayden’s face shoved where the sun don’t shine), the 6’2″ powerhouse heel doubles down on the total soul and body crushing domination before all is said and done. It takes a whole lot of man to heel, match after match, and even more of one to get completely owned and humiliated by a jobber and STILL come out with his heel cred shiny. Kayden Keller is every ounce that man.