Continuing down your BG East Best of 2016 ballot, let’s give a long, hard look at the candidates for the next two categories.

Best Body

This is such a brutal category. We could kvetch for days about the ambiguity of those two simple words: best and body. I’ve heard from a few corners a call for more diverse types of bodies for voting, which I get, and I agree with. If I’ve learned nothing else from blogging about homoerotic wrestling for nearly 8 years, I’ve learned that there is a huge range to what turns us on, collectively speaking. Well, this year the nominating committee landed on what I think is a nice range, and in yet another shocker (to me at least), Chace LaChance was not nominated, and thus won’t be eligible to defend his title.  Still, this is a very competitive race in which you are sure to find someone who blows your… mind.

Muscling his way into yet another best of category in 2016 is on-fire newbie Beauxregard. Beauxregard debuted in X-Fight 40 and also appeared in Dark Knights 13. He’s a mountain of muscle. I’m infatuated with his lower leg tats. I’m in awe of his monster cock. He’s a magnificent specimen built for the sole purpose of destroying other men and fucking them into oblivion. As I said when discussing his chances at winning Best Abs, I don’t know if he has the fan following yet to power him ahead of some of the other nominees. And if the plurality still swings for fitness model pretty, Beaux’s in trouble. But this is a year for upsets, now, isn’t it?

The nominating committee most definitely likes the looks of Van Sklyer, considering he’s been nominated for every “body” category, including Best Body. Again, Van only appeared in Undagear 26, just barely squeezing that match in before 2016 was up. But no doubt, he makes a big, big impression with that gorgeous body of his. He’s got total pin-up boy potential, and there isn’t an angle of him that isn’t stunningly pretty. And, of course, the face is part of the body, so those bedroom eyes and lush, thick, suckable lips have to be factored into the equation. And his ass, and his bulge, but I’ll discuss those later.

Fans who’ve been waiting for a serious muscle monster to vote for Best Body, wait no longer, because Big Barry Burke has squeezed those gargantuan shoulders into this tight, tight field.  Barry only showed up in 2016 to Demolish Kip Sorell, but like Van, that one appearance compelled the nominating committee to put him up for Best Body. The sheer size of this beast is argument enough, but I suspect his mass may distract from the fact that he’s got magnificent aesthetics. That huge, that ripped, that proportional from top to bottom. Fantastic mountain of a muscleman. When he isn’t ripping opponents apart limb by limb, he’s actually crazy handsome, as well. He could totally take this, I think, unless the pretty caucus gets behind one candidate.

Which brings us to my perennial choice for Best Body, my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler, Kid Karisma. Kid K wrestled in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18 in 2016. I could not be more infatuated with a body than I am with his. As I mentioned yesterday, Kid K also stands out for the incredible consistency he shows up with, match after match, ripped, bulging, not a hair out of place. If this is a year for pretty and fitness model factions to swing the vote, it’s got to be Kid Karisma. Gingers rule!

Of course if it’s painfully pretty you’re after, feel free to check Kip Sorell for Best Body. Kip got demolished in Demolition 20, Demolition 21, and Bearhug Beatings 2 last year. He’s got Superman’s upper body, of course, but I think his weakness is below the waist. Fans eat him up with a spoon, though, and what accounts for “best” may be everything that Kip has in abundance.

And again, I’m delightedly stunned to see the committee include Payton Meadows in the mix for Best Body. Payton showed upon the scene in 2016 and wrestled in Undagear 25 and  Undagear 26. As I mentioned yesterday, I think he’s established even less traction than fellow newbie nominee Beaux, which makes him a long shot. But just read my rationale for selecting him for my most recent homoerotic wrestler of the month, and you’ll see why I say that if Kid Karisma weren’t in the mix, I’d be spending my precious vote on the French Canadian’s sensational body. Ripped. Dazzlingly gorgeous. Better complexion than Van. Prettier than Kip. If Payton sticks around in 2017, I think he could generate a massive following… particularly in that jock strap.

 

Best Bulge

The Best Bulge category could similarly be parsed out between various measures of “good.” However, the history of voting in this category has strongly suggested that what fans think of as Best is all about size. Pete Sharp didn’t show his gargantuan pouch at all in 2016, sadly, and it’s been ages since we’ve had the opportunity to marvel at Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!). So feast your eyes on the selection of meat vying for the title in 2016.

Yep. Again. Van Skyler made a clean sweep of the physical attribute categories, including taking the pole position (pun intended) for Best Bulge. Let’s be honest here, the part of Van’s body seared into our memories and imaginations isn’t his crotch. However, his bulge is perfectly suited to everything else about him. Proportionate and pretty, he’s swinging pipe, no doubt.  He may not have the largest frank and beans in contention, but what he’s got is undeniably tasty.

Everything about Guido Genatto is huge, so it could be easy to overlook that his bulge is, as well. Guido wrestled in Biff Farrell’s Wrestler Spotlight, 3-Way Thrash 4, Last Man Standing 2, and Demolition 19. I find it difficult to zoom in on just one aspect of the “Dirty Daddy.” He’s a total package of badassness, muscle belly, edgy/over-the-edge trash talk, and total domination. I’m sure plenty of fans have keyed off on his daddy bulge, though, and he seems to be one of those characters who can do no wrong in his fans eyes. So perhaps this is his year to take home Best Bulge.

Jonny Firestorm’s bulge is legendary. I think I once read an interview with Kid Leopard in which he named Jonny as possessing one of the biggest cocks in the business. In 2016, Jonny wrestled in 3-Way Thrash 4, 3-Way Thrash 3, Ring Wars 25, and Hunkbash 18.  I think Jonny could be the dark horse in this field, primarily based on the rabid fan following his has systematically built over the years.

Ethan Andrews has a HUGE claim to make for the title of Best Bulge. Ethan only wrestled in Undagear 25 in 2016, which could make him relatively forgettable in the minds of voters, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a massive underground wrestling following that stretches across at least 3 or 4 different production companies. Oh, and that behemoth in his pouch. That’s just fucking hard to forget. He’s lean, which may help his gargantuan bulge seem that much more massively huge, but any way you stack it up against the competition (which sounds like fun), Ethan’s bulge has got to be one of, if not the, biggest of the bunch.

Biff Farrell is another surprise contender for the title of Best Bulge, in my estimation. was busy in 2016 wrestling in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4,  Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. Honestly, when reading the ballot, I thought to myself, “Does Biff have a particularly impressive bulge?” In researching this voter’s guide, I discovered, yes, yes he does. I think this is another case of big, big muscles distracting from a very hefty pouch. His trunks don’t always accentuate this aspect of his assets, but knowing the army of Biff’s fans ready to rally to his cry, he could very well be a strong contender for Best Bulge.

My vote for Best Bulge is going to go to Kirk Donahue, and not solely so that I can tauntingly report that he’s a huge dick. He swung that pipe in Babyface Brawl 4, Demolition 20, and Gazebo Grappler 18 in 2016.  And that bulge was eye catching, even for someone like me fixated on watching his ass getting beat. There I am, over and over, reveling in his smart ass, sugary sweet smirk getting rubbed off, preferably with his opponent’s ass, and I keep getting distracted by that gargantuan bulge! Honestly, my enjoyment of watching him take a beating aside, for a babyface indy pro, Kirk’s got a seriously magnificent bulge that only one audience could appreciate to it’s fullest: you and me.

And if you think the biggest surprises are behind us, just wait!