Delightfully Deviated

Clearly I enjoy the perfectly shaped model boys. I’m a sucker for massive beasts and thugs. Muscleheads and wiry brawlers alike have a place in my heart. But without a doubt, I’ve also got a thing for deviated septa.

A fantastically crooked nose demands a story. A perfectly straight nose can be pretty, sexy even, but a nose that bears the evidence of trauma is erotic, if you ask me. Noses are just fantastically vulnerable. Of course there are lots of ways to get a deviated septum that aren’t so erotic. But that’s where an active imagination comes in handy.
Apparently not a lot is known about how Owen Wilson earned his trademark nose, though the word is that it came from playing high school football. In my retelling, I’m seeing a young, hunky Owen on field trash talking after practice, after he’s pulled off his helmet. Some vicious rival kicks his knees out from behind, dropping him to his back. Then without pause, the attacker drives his knee downward across Owen’s face, smashing his nose and sending blood spurting everywhere…. but that’s just me.
One of my daily news crushes, Carter Evans has an unmistakably deviated septum. Carter, looking so dapper in his pin-stripe suits and power ties, is one sexy beast, not in small part thanks to that traumatized nose suggesting some physical action. I initially wrote Carter into my wrestling fiction thinking I’d give his signature nose a backstory (his face caught scissored between two massive muscle thighs, perhaps), but interestingly, I kept writing Carter breaking the noses of his opponents rather than getting broken. The more broken noses, the better, in my mind.
Adrien Brody’s nose most often gets comments for its sheer size. Personally, I like them big (I’m talking about noses… stay focused!), but I detect a significant crook in that gorgeous nose, which makes Adrien that much sexier (as if he needed help). Word is that he’s broken his nose repeatedly doing “off the wall stunts.” That’s sufficiently vague to invite my imagination to write him in a throw down with some muscled heel who snaps it with a sadistic boot heel then drops to his knees, straddling Adrien’s face and planting his ass across the bloody, throbbing shnaz (as Adrien screams)…. again, that’s just me.
This fantastically produced YouTube clip (pop-up video meets sadistic pro-wrestling) shows some very hot nose abuse by beautiful Johnny Saint, who gets nasty on the heel Jim Breaks. Jim is bloodied and dazed by the end of the fall from move after move torturing his nose. Another YouTube clip has two teens who can’t decide if they’re wrestling or boxing, but one of them decides to beat the shit out of the other’s face. If you watch all three clips, you get the fantastic shot of black-shirt with blood pouring down his face, his nose already swelling, and blood spattered all over the sidewalk.

There’s nothing wrong with a pretty, perfect face. But a messed up nose is a thing of beauty that tells an awesome story… and if it doesn’t tell a story, I’ll make one up.