Dude, Where’s My Car?!

As the scene materializes, we see a canary yellow tripped out sport sedan, driving into the driveway of BGE headquarters. It’s Kieran Dunne. He’s late for his match. He doesn’t really care.

Kieran is a babyface that’s always a delight to see pounded. Ever since he got the Mr. Joshua welcome to BG East in Mat Hunks 1, the juxtaposition of his adolescent-looking face with a muscleman physique has just screamed out for beating after beating. He’s developed an attitude over the years inversely proportional to his muscle tone, and every so often, the attitude is just enough to put Kieran over the top., However, I, for one, am always ready to lap up more Kieran-as-jobber.

But what’s this? Keiran’s opponent for Jobberpaloozer 11 is go-go boy rookie, Chace LaChance. Chace has been stinkin’ up the place since his recent arrival at BG East. First, he was the albatross around my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler – nonpornboy division, Lon Dumont, when Chace debuted as Lon’s tag team partner in Tag Team Torture 12. This is just me talking, now. Lon never said a bad word about Chace when I interviewed him a couple of months ago. But I just have to think that their nasty humiliation at the hands of Donnie Drake and Doug Rand came as a result of Chace’s rookie flat-footedness. I’ve been nursing an infatuation with the idea of Lon punishing the pretty-pretty boy mercilessly, to teach him a lesson for putting the first check in Lon’s loss column.

Even 2-on-1, Kieran couldn’t manage a victory against a double-teamed Donnie Drake in Tag Team Torture 13. So Kieran versus Chace is a quandry, particularly in a collection entitled Jobberpalooza. Two jobbers go head-to-head, the veteran jobber who never learns, and the green rookie jobber who’s almost too pretty to stand. This is an existential crisis in the making for me.

Turns out, Kieran brings the same narcissistic over-confidence he always does to the table. Chace, however, brings something entirely new. In addition to sporting a tanned, toned body ripped out of a go-go boy cage at smoky dance club, Chace also has some heretofore unseen moves. Who knew!?

After initially digging himself out of the hole that he finds himself in from Kieran’s dirty tricks, Chace proves decisively who the “jobber” is in this battle of the jobbers. A couple of favorite moments here include the impressive feat of Chace delightfully scissoring Keiran’s melon between his skinny legs, sliding his butt backward into the corner, and then pressing himself up, rope by rope, dragging Kieran’s carcass up with him. The image of Chace perched like that in the very same corner that Lon punished Eddie Rey with a suspended bodyscissor tweaks that fantasy of mine in a bad, bad way.

After a surprisingly nice heel-in-training clinic that Chace lays on Kieran (the yanking Keiran round by his hair and using him as a punching bag in the corner are particularly fun), my second favorite of Chace’s moves comes after all is said and done. After sleepering Keiran out for a ten count (and then some), Chace puts on his warm up gear and heads out of BG East having proven he’s no one-trick jobber-pony. He heads to his hatchback under the carport, but then stops and looks over his shoulder at Kieran’s canary yellow pride and joy. With a devilish smile across his ridiculously pretty face, Chace slides into the front seat and crows, “My car, now!” He drives off revving the engine indulgently.

All this to say that if Lon and Chace do ever meet, I still say Lon’s destined to punish the pretty one mercilessly. But happily, it might turn out to be more of a competition than I would’ve thought before I saw Jobberpalooza 11.

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