“Let’s see how much fighting you have in those Captain America speedos of yours!” he snarls, stretching his long, long, LONG legs over the top rope as he climbs into the ring.  Last month I mused on the topic of tall men in homoerotic wrestling, and Diego pushes those buttons as well. He’s listed as 6’3″, but his swagger and that bush of slightly insane curls on top of his head make him seem at least three inches taller than that to me. Austin is reportedly a half a foot shorter than Diego, but he comes across as nothing short of juvenile looking up at the towering giant in front of him.

“Tough guy, huh?” a cocky Austin asks. “You know who I am, right?”

Diego laughs long and indulgently. It’s an evil and genuinely amused laugh that makes me melt. “I really don’t care who you are,” Diego finally growls back with that knee-buckling accent. “I know where you’re heading to. And it’s right here,” the Latin stud drops to one knee and slaps the mat in the middle of the ring. Once again, the recruiters at BG East have done much, much more than comb through the catalogs of unemployed underwear models to sign this so-called “rookie.” This gorgeous giant is dripping with confidence and he gives every impression that he’s spent months on end in the ring long before he stretched his freakishly long legs over the top rope to stand face-to-face (well, face-to-sternum) with Austin. He’s literally walking the top rope within the first 5 minutes of this match, for god’s sake!!!

Austin’s asking for it from t-minus 15 seconds to the very last knock-out blow of this match. It’s the American flag trunks, or, as Diego puts it, “those Captain America speedo.” They seem to bring out the over-inflated, yet somehow sniveling bitch in beefy goldenboy Austin. The curl of his upper lip, the cupie-doll-inspired faux hawk, and his complete disrespect and disregard for his skyscraper of an opponent make it impossible for me not to take deep satisfaction in discovering that Diego is hitting the BG East roster as a ringer. Not 10 minutes into the match, and he’s captured Austin cold in the middle of a flying cross body, catching him like a sack of laundry, hoisting Captain America up across his upper chest, and then heaving Austin’s beautifully muscled body a good 8 feet across the ring. “You need to stop with this bullshit!” Diego scolds him. “This ain’t for kids; do you know what I’m saying!?”

Austin tries not to respond to Diego’s barrage of trash talk. Perhaps he doesn’t understand the accent. I for one, understand Diego loud and clear. His #1 tool in his tool belt is dropping any pointed thing he can find (a fist, an elbow, a knee) down onto Austin’s abs from the stratospheric heights that this Latino giant inhabits. His second most effective tool (though, I have to say, it’s my #1 favorite move to see a giant like this apply) is using those mile long legs to scissor Captain America, rolling him back and forth, front to back, slamming him face-first and then back-first into the mat. Austin screams like a bitch, kicking his feet pointlessly. A third strategy that looks like it could seriously send Austin to the hospital is the assault on his core from repeated shoulder blocks that Diego spears into him when he’s trapped in the corners. Diego’s feet leave the mat around the middle of the ring in order to turn the Latino giant into a projectile for delivering blunt force trauma.

Austin gets 1 pin fall and 1 submission out of the big man, both relying on underhanded tricks and out-and-out cheating. He wraps Diego up into a small (huge) package and slaps down a rapid fire 3-count like he’s pounding out a drum roll. The surprise fall infuriates Diego, as he chases a fleeing, cowardly Austin outside the ring to exact revenge. “No one’s going to play me like that!” Diego barks ominously. When Austin has a shred of momentum a little later, he retreats outside the ring again to do his damnedest to fuck up Diego’s knee. Pounding it into the corner of the ring apron, hanging the Latino hunk by it from the middle rope, and then latching on a ball-crushing figure-4 leg lock with Diego astonishingly straddling the ring post (this move brought to you by the freakishly hot genetics of 6’3″ Diego).

Defenders of the stars and stripes will not be proud of the tactics that our goldenboy resorts to in order to even the score in this match. He is, as Diego points out, a “coward” and a “bitch.” So when Austin starts tiring out climbing up Mt. Everest over and over, there’s some sweet satisfaction in seeing Diego start to hammer down and humiliate the goldenboy severely. The final 10 minutes or so of this match reinforce what was so clearly apparent from the first seconds of seeing the ripped giant step over the top rope to enter the ring for the first time. Lovely, long Diego is a fully formed heel! He stomps the living shit out of Austin without even a hint of human compassion or mercy. “I told you that’s what you get when you play with the big guys: you get beat down!” A backbreaker in nose-bleed altitude, hanging upside down helplessly across Diego’s shoulder, is stunning to see and clearly impossible for Austin to take for more than about 5 seconds. Diego finally acknowledges the submission and flings the pretty patriot to the mat like taking out the trash. “Don’t come in here with your little spinnings and twists and think your going to beat me!” he spits, starting to stride out of the ring having delivered his message to BG East.

“You’re still just a tall pussy,” Austin says, flat on his back having just screamed out a submission like a whiny bitch. Some might call it balls, taking a beating that humiliating and then spitting out a gasping attempt at emasculation. As for me, it looks like a musclehead jock unaccustomed to being physically inferior to an opponent just not knowing when to shut up. Happily, Diego’s pride is bruised enough by the pitiful insult that he has to climb back in the ring and shut Captain America up for good. He delivers a one-handed choke slam, lifting Austin high off his feet with just a little gratuitous help from yanking the stars and stripes high up Austin’s crack, and then pounding the faux hawked golden boy into la-la-land.

Where the fuck did BG East find this guy!? These are two incredibly hot wrestlers. This is my very favorite genre: ring action. These stunners use every inch of the ring, the ropes, the turnbuckles, the corner posts, the ringside benches, the lockers, and the cinder block walls to do their very best to fuck one another up. The sexy Latino giant let’s loose a steady stream of withering trash talk. In other words, this is my kind of homoerotic wrestling! Get Diego Diaz back in the ring, rápido!