And the nominees are…

Polls close on Sunday, so let’s take a closer look today at a couple of the BG East “Besties” nominations, namely Best Butt and Best Bulge.  In the interest of full disclosure, I tend to be more of an ass man myself, but even I have been known to have my eyes pop out at the sight of several of these best bulge nominees in action. What constitutes a “best” bulge or butt, of course is deeply subjective.  Size, proportion, shape, and of course wardrobe choices that accentuate it just right… so many components to factor and figure. Let’s take a look at the front end first.

jobebulge
You have to imagine Jobe Zander is aching for this award after being bridesmaid two times running. His major gimmick is his “Centerpiece” after all!
jobebulge2
Hard to argue that’s a far above average bulge. Is it the best of 2014?
petebulge
Pete Sharp burst onto the scene just a couple of years ago, and there’s nothing that fails to catch my eye about the blue eyed bombshell. But I regularly gasp in astonishment at the size and heft of the mountain stuffed in the front of his trunks.
petebulge2
That requires its own zip code!
mrjoshuabulge
Best Bulge winner for the past 2 years, Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!) is back again to slap down his junk and defy you to tear your eyes away.
mrjoshuabulge2
That trouser snake stretches the seams of every lucky pair of trunks that struggle to contain it!
jonnybulge
Jonny Firestorm’s first 2015 release makes him an instant frontrunner for next year’s best bulge, but it was hard to find a pic from pre-2015 that does justice to just how huge the reigning Best Heel is. But trust me. He’s fucking huge.
jonnybulge2
Jonny packs major league heat!
ethanbulge
Hard not to see why Ethan Axel Andrews gets a gasp and a nod in the slate this year. We’ve watched his body get harder and that massive bulge seem to grow bigger every year. Now that’s a workout routine I want to see!
ethanbulge2
Seriously. Massive, meaty, and swings like a sledgehammer.
gabrielbulge
Finally, Gabriel Ross is a major player in this category, but I’ve been asked to make my posts safer-for-work lately, meaning I can’t show you exactly why Gabriel is a major contender. Suffice it to say that he’s much more a grower than a show-er.
gabrielbulge2
When this monster gets stoked, seriously, step back. He could put an eye out with that cock. But does that qualify for “best bulge?”

Despite my long-standing knee-jerk adoration for Mr. Joshua’s gargantuan bulge, and defying the momentum he has the undefeated winner of this category for the 2 years the Besties have been around, I have to say it’s Pete Sharp’s behemoth that owns me. Like everything about him, that mass of man meat is aesthetically gorgeous, defiantly huge while somehow seeming perfectly proportioned to his superhuman physique. I suspect Mr. Joshua will once again have a major showing in this category, possibly taking the 3-peat, and legions of Jonny and Ethan fans will of course chime in to support their boys. I’d say Ethan is the dark horse contender here, potentially pulling in both loyal fans along with those who objectively, simply have fallen in lust with the firehose he sports.

Now let’s take a look at the back end of the chassis. I get hottest considering the Best Butt nominees.

coopbutt
Goldenboy Austin Cooper has made major progress in plot points this year, leveraging a thrilling heel turn into a mind-fuck split personality. It’s evil Dr. Cooper that I jones on hardest, but either incarnation, it’s hard to argue with the fact that luscious, round ass is gorgeous!
coopbutt2
Muscled, athletic and sweetly round and squeezable at the same time. That’s one hot contender!
kirkbutt
I thought there had to be a typo when I saw Kirk Donahue listed for Best Butt. I mean, the handsome newbie is cute as a button with an imminently fuckable body, but his ass just doesn’t jump out at me as cream of the crop. Some nominator clearly disagrees with me, though.
kirkbutt2
I’d spank it, sure, but best butt?
karismabutt
Reigning 2 time winner of Best Butt, Kid Karisma returns to flex those glutes in your face again. Rugby, wrestling, working out… there’s a formula for crafting perky, hard, insanely grabbable ass cheeks like this, and Kid K is working it to perfection.
karismabutt2
2014 was also the year we got our first glimpse of this award winning ass completely naked. I personally keep a shrine to this divine work of art in my home. Is this beauty a 3-peat?
cameronbutt
Cameron Matthews poses a challenge to evaluating his cred in this category, because he appeared in products in 2014 that have to span at least 5 years, ranging from his barely legal beauty incarnation (pictured here) to his more recent rock hard muscle stud appearance. His butt is epic regardless, but you can decide if you’re voting on his more squeezable young glutes or his muscle power-bottom.
cameronbutt2
Round, graceful, spankable 5-ways to Sunday.
gabrielbutt
Gabriel Ross is the only nominee to show up in bulge and butt categories. The Gabriel 2.0 physique that debuted a couple of years ago undeniably sports a hot, muscled, mouthful of gluteus muscles.
gabrielbutt2
Not the biggest or hardest, but for fan fantasy ass worship, this naughty fallen angel just may be the fan choice for best butt in 2014.

You know I’ve got my favorite pick of this bunch. I don’t call myself the self-appointed president of the Kid Karisma fan club for nothing. I Austin’s ass makes a compelling second place finisher, though Cameron’s butt and bevy of crazy ass fans could spell an upset to Kid K’s run for the 3-peat. Whoever wins, I’d just like to suggest that he celebrate by bending Kirk Donahue over his knee and pounding that kid’s boy-next-door-butt until he confesses who he fucked to get on this list.

So for those who want any pointers, the Bard-approved slate thus far looks like this:

Best Abs: Lon Dumont (and a bottle of honey)

Best Bulge: Pete Sharp

Best Ass: Kid Karisma

A Case for a Face

Red-white-and-blue junior Captain Americas as pretty, pumped, and competitive as babyfaces can be: Jake Jenkins and Austin Cooper
All in the same day a couple of days ago, SP at Inner Jobber posted a by-the-numbers “how to be a fantasy wrestling jobber (like Curtis Thompson)” post, and Joe at Ringside at Skull Island posted a “you might be a heel if…” list of distinguishing characteristics of the heel set, and I briefly mentioned my guilty pleasure of watching a babyface hero defeat an evil doer in the ring.  I think there’s less said than should be about professional wrestlers who fall neither into the doomed to be exploited category or the devious exploiters category.  Since SP and Joe did such thoughtful treatments of jobbers and heels, I decided to try to do a little more justice on behalf of that oft-maligned class of homoerotic wrestlers: the face.
I’ve got a longstanding crush on handsome hero Mitch Colby.

I say oft-maligned because I think to be compelled to pull for the handsome hero is frequently portrayed as gullible.  To boost for the “good guy,” the hard worker, the play-by-the rules, sincere competitor is frequently equated with naiveté.  Guys into the conquering and suffering of a pretty boy may ache for their jobbers, and guys into domination and humiliation dished out by a villain will pull for their heels.  I have a long, long record of working up a head of steam for plenty of jobbers and plenty of heels.  But call me gullible and naive, because (not always, but definitely sometimes) nothing will crank on my chain as convincingly as an all-in babyface (or just “face”) beauty using brains and brawn to overcome treachery and deceit.

Gorgeous face Denny Cartier is all skill, stamina, and strength on the mat.

I venture into this territory with eyes open.  I’ve seen the equivalent of doctoral dissertations written on parsing out opinions about what and who qualifies to be classified as a babyface wrestler.  I’d bet money someone will let me know where I got it wrong by the time I finish this post.  And I love that about us.  We’re the aroused, gorgeous gay nerds of professional wrestling.  We care way too much, leading us to quibble and at times even squabble about what is, let’s face it, minutiae and trivia.  We openly defy orthodoxies on one hand (e.g., celebrating the fierce, butch, dangerously strong and masculine gay man), while on the other hand bitterly defend other orthodoxies (e.g., heaping contempt on the commenter who describes your favorite jobber as a face, or vice versa).  Despite the apparent perception of others that I consider myself an expert, I offer this as nothing more than my personal system for classifying that distinctive breed of wrestler-for-pay who is not the villain, and he’s not the wrestler who seems eternally destined to lose beautifully.  But rather, he’s the heroic athlete determined to defeat his opponents with skill, stamina, and strength, and sometimes, he even succeeds.

Fiercely pretty babyface tagteam Zack Coleman and Brian Barnes.
Like babies themselves, I can’t think of anyone ugly who I’d classify as a babyface wrestler.  Granted, “ugly” is entirely subjective, but inclusion criteria for babyface wrestlers (as far as I’m concerned), include a strong, chiseled chin, gorgeous, piercing (often blue) eyes, and a gym-toned body with beautiful skin.  The parameters are flexible to accommodate an assortment of tastes (eye of the beholder and all), but something obviously beautiful seems a prerequisite.  A babyface seems to, by definition, be attractive in a conventional sense.  It’s not like particularly homoerotic wrestling is well-populated with men who fail to meet basic standards of physical attractiveness, but those especially handsome Clark Kent-esque boys tend to get checks in my personal tally of elements that add up to the essential ingredients of a compelling face.  Necessary but not sufficient criteria to be a babyface, it seems to me, is eye-catching beauty.  
Alexi Adamov strives valiantly to honestly overcome notorious Aryx Quinn’s dirty tricks.
Further inclusion criteria for me include that babyface wrestlers tend to stick to the straight and narrow when faced with (as they frequently are) an underhanded, dirty, no-good heel.  Here’s where it comes in handy to have powerful muscles and innate athleticism (again, necessary but not sufficient characteristics of faces – plenty of heels and jobbers have beautiful muscles and obvious athleticism).  When faced with cheating and trickery, the Pearl Harbor before the bell rings, the hair pull, the crotch blow, the foreign object, the refusal to break a hold when the action hits the ropes, the babyface hero grimaces, shakes his head (“kids these days”) and reinvests his faith in his thousands of hours of gym time and, hopefully, substantive experience and wrestling skills.  An occasional venture into a retributive low blow not-withstanding (particularly in homoerotic wrestling), the face places his confidence in the superiority of his physique, his mental preparation, his wrestling prowess, and the sincerity of his heart.  In a post-modern world, faces can get away with a lot more rule bending and still be objects of heroic adoration, of course.  They can most definitely lose their temper, open a can of unnecessarily rough whoop-ass, ravage an opponent momentarily in a rage.  But in the morality tales of homoerotic wrestling, if I see a handsome stud tend toward the exercise of self-restraint and appear to intentionally decline to take shortcuts, I check off another box in the face checklist.

Who’s got whom? Babyface hearthrob Brad Rochelle battles babyface heartthrob Jeff Phoenix

That’s not to say a babyface can only be seen in matches against heels, of course.  He can most definitely wrestle another babyface or a jobber, by all means.  Sometimes, he may be less easily identified in those settings, but nevertheless he perseveres in the certainty that he is the “better man” which will lead to his victory (as opposed to the heel who sees his victory, by whatever means, as the evidence that he’s the better man).  A babyface v babyface battle can be a particularly compelling thing of beauty.  Two hard, hardworking studs who’ve been convinced by accolades and past victories that they are destined to succeed can generate intensely satisfying and homoerotically charged wrestling entertainment.  The allure of the thrill of competition (which I argue is an essential element of what turns me on about the drama of homoerotic wrestling) can be most poignant and compelling for me when it’s face v face, beauty v beauty, power v power.  These are matches in which tit-for-tat wrestling often makes me smile, as athletes play a game of HORSE, showing off their skills and strength in a one-upsmanship format.  Like knights in armor of old, they charge upright into one another with a typically unspoken assumption that purity of heart will add weight to the scales of justice, and the outcome is less about the delectable doings inside the ropes as it is about who wanted it more as demonstrated by preparation, training, and hard work before they entered the ring.

Classic babyface Christopher Bruce shocks and awes perennially supine Rio Garza

I also like the drama of a babyface v jobber match, though again, I think this can confuse folks who equate a serious mauling as the exclusive domain of a heel.  By my way of thinking, a babyface is generally convinced in the superiority of his training, conditioning, and strength, so there’s most definitely still a story to tell when he encounters a pretty slice of heaven with a track record for getting crushed and humiliated.  He wrestles because he has faith in the premise that if he is the better man, he will win.  Dangling a jobber in front of his face, particularly a tasty, pretty, unknowingly vulnerable jobber, merely offers him the opportunity to collect evidence to confirm what he already knew: all of his hard work destines him to conquer an unworthy opponent.  A jobber’s job is that much more crucial in a babyface v jobber match, because his suffering must rise from being outmatched and outwitted above board.  There’s not likely a low blow or a nipple-twist to explain what threw the jobber off his game, so the two must dance the intricate dance of decisive, convincing combat.  A jobber must beat like a wave upon the sand against the superior strength of body and spirit, only slowly to ebb in will and perseverance in the face of the innate dominance of the finely tuned babyface offense.  Not an ounce less agony, not a smidge less suffering is required than if the jobber took a fist to the scrotum and had his face forced into a heel’s swelling crotch.  This tale is just a tad more subtle but no less tantalizing and tempting for my tastes, for the drama of a jobber slowly crumbling beneath a face.

Heel rising Morgan Cruise drops gorgeous giant Diego Diaz with a shocking low blow

Finally, I’d like to make a case for holding these archetypes in pro wrestling lightly when it comes to homoerotic fare.  While I’m sure I’ll get crap for getting it wrong (won’t be the first time… to get crap or to get it wrong), I’ll also suggest that so far, there isn’t a homoerotic wrestling company producing a through-story with quite the consistency of a weekly mainstream pro wrestling serial in which these archetypes were birthed in live wrestling and televised wrestling entertainment decades ago (probably centuries, really).  Character development takes time and consistency that I think is particularly challenging in the catch-as-catch-can world of the homoerotic wrestling industry.  While there are notable exceptions, such as the highly entertaining through-story that Alex recently posted about regarding the crushing humiliation of fan-favorite face Brad Rochelle until Brad pulled off a sweetly satisfying heel turn in the middle of the Contract series, a chaptered story building motivation and a story arc is a rare element in homoerotic wrestling.  And therefore a face, jobber, or heel may be built or broken within the confines of a given match.  I find this type of story telling more intense, though inherently more difficult to latch onto favorite characters over time (because characters may play multiple roles in seemingly out-of-order sequences).  In other words, my favorite industry highlights that a face (or a jobber or a heel) is not who a wrestler is, but what a wrestler does.  The sum total of a storied career in pro wrestling for gay eyes likely demonstrates that “one man in his time plays many parts.”

Gorgeous babyface Justin Pierce puts the hurt on gorgeous babyface Tommy Tara

In his last post, Alex proposed a new Contract (or Contract-like-series) to chart another rare chaptered story of homoerotic wrestling drama.  I love that idea.  I’d also add my dream of an honest-to-god serial homoerotic pro wrestling story, released as a “season,” witnessing the rise and fall of wrestling hopefuls, the tensions and betrayals, the shocking humiliations and victories-against-the-well-established-odds… alliances made, loyalties tested, egos crushed, losers showing up again owned and operated by the man who bested them… roaring testimonials, sweat-soaked post-match interviews, an explicitly named grudge, a quest for vengeance.  There are some nice tropes and devices of classic mainstream pro wrestling that I think have yet to be fully translated into an explicitly homoerotic context.  I’m sure it would require an entirely different production, likely including prohibitive amounts of scheduling, investment, and choreography.  But seriously, I’d pay a premium for that, particularly with an explicitly homoerotic angle.  Some more suspense, a story arc, a chance to tune in repeatedly to be compelled by a favorite face, heel or jobber… surely there’s a significant market for that.

Babyface beauty Cameron Matthews heeled by Kid Vicious
So I started by making a case for a face, which I still stand by enthusiastically.  Heroes battling for good, winning valiantly, losing in soul-crushing, despair-inducing humiliation… fuck, I love that guy.  But I’d love him even more in a context in which I could watch his character grow and change, in which his motivation is more explicit, contrasts drawn more starkly, perhaps his heel turn that much more shocking because he’d convinced me of his utter trust that right will ultimately overcome might.  I’m sure it’s a pipe dream, but it’s still a dream that makes my blood pulse harder.

Beating the Odds

There are varying opinions about mismatched opponents in homoerotic wrestling.  I get the argument that the intoxicating heat of the competitive premise can suffer when there is, or appears to be, little chance of an outmatched wrestler holding his own, much less taking possession of his opponent’s.  Not infrequently, however, I have a sweet tooth for an apparent mismatch, for the tale of the tape that suggests there is no spread big enough to make this worth a bookie’s time.  Just that first glimpse of some plucky hunk staring down (more often up) extremely long odds can grab my attention with both hands.
Brian Baker stares down his nose at goldenboy Austin Cooper 

The long-odds wrestling match jumped front and center in my attention recently when I clicked through to the preview of my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month, 5’9″, 170 pound Austin Cooper, trying not to have to strain his neck to look up at the stunningly handsome face of his young rookie opponent, Brian Baker (different one), who towers over him at 6’4″ at weighing in at an athletically lean 205 pounds.  I’m downloading this promise at this very moment, inspired largely by the promise of seeing what Coop can do with the rook’s seriously lovely ass and long, tattooed torso.  The online match description telegraphs (or, rather, painstakingly details) that not only does Coop tame the towering stud, but he humiliates Brian in a two-fall squash despite the 7 inches of height and 35 pounds of weight advantage the rookie comes in with.  Please tell me Coop draws out the schooling just as long as his lovely pupil’s body is!

Drake Wild has his hands full taming massive muscle beast Tyler St. James

In the way the universe does sometimes, I was fresh off of getting all breathless over Coop and Brian Baker when I stumbled across more tantalizing preview pics of Can-Am’s first catch-weight version of a Pro Sex Fight.  Men.com reports that the sweet, hot punk Drake Wild is 5’5″ and 140 pounds, which explains why he looks absolutely dwarfed by Tyler St. James, who Men.com reports is 6’2″ and 240 pounds of insanely thick muscle.  That’s 7 inches and, I kid you not, a reported 100 pound difference, which is instantly translated into a sweaty brow and gasps of lust to see controlling the big man handily.   Fuck, that’s hot!

Gorgeous giant Paladin makes even notorious heel Jonny’s eyes grow wide.

Apparently there’s something in the water these days, because BG East’s latest catalog also boasts one of those inspiring apparent mismatches with the 5’5″ and 160 pound version of Jonny Firestorm, staring up at the chart topping beauty of 6’6″ and 210 pound Paladin in the 3 Stages of Jonny.  The online match description explains that Jonny’s been sent on a mission to cut the 6 and half foot giant down to size, but even Jonny and those magical forearms can’t prevent the man 50 pounds and over a foot taller from taking the first fall.  It’s never a good idea to count out Jonny, or his forearms, prematurely, and yet again another “little guy” beats the odds, and his massive opponent, to a pulp.

Every ounce of Cybertron’s 65 pound weight advantage threatens to break babyface Ronny Pearl in half

And then there’s the case of 5’8″, 185 pound Ronny Pearl, who I mentioned so adoringly yesterday, encountering 6’2″ and 250 pound wrecking ball Cybertron in Ringwars 21.  Compared to the previous 3 mismatches, Ronny’s “only” staring down a half a foot height difference (and, yeah, a 65 pound weight disadvantage).  Nevertheless, Cybertron demonstrates what “odds” are all about, capitalizing on every inch and ounce of superiority to crush the flowing-haired rookie with more brutality than I’ve seen in a match in a long time!

Big Sexy isn’t about to let even two opponent’s kick his fine, fine, FINE ass!

And if we’re counting numbers and assessing odds, Thunders Arena has posted a couple of new matches recently the devolve into 2-on-1 double-teams.  In Rough and Ready 33, peroxide punk Izzy was due to star in one of those totally outmatched features, though how much smaller he is than 6′, 205 pound Big Sexy is a mystery because he’s not listed yet in their roster (which seems ominous for his future).  Regardless, 5’8″, 156 pound Python apparently steps in to help little Izzy out, wrapping those superman arms around Big Sexy’s throat and turning the tide.  However, this is Big Sexy we’re talking about.  Worse for the double-team, it’s Big Sexy bigger, sweatier, and more beautiful than ever, demonstrating that it’ll take a lot more than 2-on-1 for the likes of these boys to ever best the likes of Big Sexy.

Butt-to-butt-to-butt, Tak and Coop work over Braden Charron’s luscious muscles.

On the flip side, you’ve got twink of my dreams, Tak, getting more than he bargained for when he tries to work his twink-dominator magic on the bulging muscles of body beautiful Braden Charron in Rough and Ready 34.  Braden is reportedly only 5’8″ and 155 pounds (really!? with that ass and those pecs, that astonishes me), whereas Tak is 5″10 and about the same weight, but even at the outset this looks like a mismatch for lean fratboy Tak.  When things go decidedly not his way, fellow goldenboy Frey (aka, homoerotic wrestler of the month Austin Cooper) steps in to go butt-to-butt with his buddy Tak in delivering a lick-lippingly sexy double-team dose of humiliation on the bubble-butted beauty Braden.  Braden stared down the odds stacked against him (and on top of him, and all around him) and learned the hard way that they’re “odds” for  a reason.

Coop’s got the towering rookie right where he wants him.

Mismatches, long odds, David and Goliath… sometimes the little guys surprise us.  Sometimes they don’t, and yet still delight us.  However the contrast, the conventional wisdom turned on its head, is very frequently a provocative element in homoerotic wrestling that sorts me out just right.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

Walks in the park were laying on on too thick, huh? True enough, yesterday’s post swearing off the core direction of this blog for topics unrelated to homoerotic wrestling was, indeed, an April Fool prank. For the record, I’m not in therapy and have found 3 out of 4 therapists in the past to be undertrained, unqualified, and generally unhelpful, so the idea of taking a therapist’s advice and turning my back on what gets my blood pumping is never going to happen. And while it’s true that I do actually get a kick out of long walks and flowers from my lover, they do not make me hard. What does turn me on, of course, is some hot, sweaty, full contact, no shame, muscle on muscle wrestling, so let’s put the foolishness behind us and get down to business, namely, naming the new homoerotic wrestler of the month around these parts.

Rock Hard Wrestling puts up a couple of sugary sweet treats: beautifully tattooed muscle twink Josh Steel and newcomer reported pornboy Luke Harrison pounding on each other until one of them is “Stripped.” RHW also puts up nominees fratboy Alex Waters and baby bodybuilder Brodie Fisher for Rookie Rising. Thunder’s Arena has been busy with several new releases debuting new wrestlers, of which I’m giving nominations to HUGE bodybuilder and deadringer for a comic book supervillain, Vinny “Too Good” who has suddenly appeared in 3 releases, but I’m particularly pleased with his twink punishment on lovely, lithe Mogly in Mat Rats 37. Though not to overlook the biggest news story in homoerotic wrestling over the past couple of weeks, Vinny most recently showed up on the Thunder’s mats against a Thunder’s debut of fitness model goldenboy Frey, who everyone but EVERYONE already knows exceedingly well as none other than Rock Hard Wrestling’s and BG East’s Austin Cooper. Frey/Coop also gets my loving for getting Python’s insanely peaked python wrapped around his throat in Rough and Ready 31. Glory be, Can-Am has released something new with perennial workhorse Jobe Zander grabbing a nomination and the nuts of Joey Boots who has got a look that instantly sparks my imagination. Can-Am has also released a superhero porn wrestling piece in their Hard Heroes genre giving us another gander at Joey Boots as well as fellow nominee and a Naked Kombat alum who was always a favorite of mine, long, strong, insanely flexible Phillip Aubrey. And just under the wire, BG East released catalog 98 (that’s 2 catalog’s away from a century!). I nearly didn’t have time to give the catalog 98 releases a serious look, making me nearly postpone their consideration for next month. But some exhausting dehydration sessions over the past couple of days have given me the opportunity to consider them in their time. As a result, I’m putting in nominations for muscleman Chace LaChance and blindingly pretty powerhouse Brad Barnes for Pec Bash 2; former HWOTM leading man Christian Taylor and lusty stud Tino Valencia for Sunshine Shooters 6; two former HWOTM, sweaty muscle stud Jake Jenkins and sexy never-say-die Skrapper for their appearance also on Sunshine Shooters 6; a truly breathtaking and compelling debut by Ronny “the instant classic” Pearl and the human buzz saw, Cybertron 2.0 in Ringwars 21; perennial goldenboy Austin Cooper’s deeply satisfying heel turn in Demolition 16; former HWOTM forearms-of-steel Jonny Firestorm cubed for the fantastic concept piece of The 3 Stages of Jonny; and finally, sultry Lorenzo Lowe and magical Gabriel Ross for pounding it all out in Wrestle Shack 16.

I love the mix of former HWOTM, other frequent nominees, and brand new additions to the ranks this month. This was a fantastically deep field this time around, and I loved exploring every inch of it. I much prefer a month like this, where I waver back and forth between several nominees, torn and tormented by the task of selecting just one to hail for their hot new appearance on the scene. So much to say about so many of these profoundly delightful wrestling performances, but if you batter me defenseless and tie me in the ropes (please!) to demand I make a choice, I’ve got one juice-draining hunk in mind, and I’m not looking back. The new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month is…

… Austin Cooper.

Appearing in 2 matches at Thunder’s Arena (as Frey), and 2 matches in his self-subtitled Demolition 16 BG East release, if this were a random draw, he’d have the best odds of winning the title anyway. However, it’s far from blind chance that I specifically call out his main course feast for the senses in Demolition 16, telling one of my very favorite wrestling stories in any genre, the goldenboy heel turn. God, I love a heel turn. The journey from Coop’s catalog 96 appearance in American flag briefs climbing into the ring as one half of the gorgeously cocky muscle-beautiful pretty boy team alongside of former HWOTM Jake Jenkins to his showing up in Demolition 16 in a black lace corset, villainous facial hair, and a penchant for trampling a totally outmatched opponent brings a tear of absolute erotic joy to my eye!

Coop, drenched in sweat, hard as granite, and pounding the living shit out of stellar jobber extraordinaire, Rio Garza, is absolutely a thing of beauty. There are Rio fans already hating on me for not choosing him again this month, but this isn’t about their favorite wrestler-of-the-month, it’s about mine, and as blindingly beautiful as is Rio’s admittedly growing capacity to job, I cannot take my eyes off of Coop’s soaked, heaving chest. Out-prettying Rio Garza is a mind blowing feat, but damn it all but if ripped Coop does just that for me. But interestingly for me, it’s his less ripped, less pristine look in the second match of Demolition 16, against beautiful lamb-to-the-slaughter, masked Mister E, that sets off the biggest fireworks in my head and crotch.

When Coop first hit the scene arm in arm with Jake Jenkins, showing up simultaneously at Rock Hard Wrestling and then making the leap to BG East as a matched pair of beauties, I went on record early that ridiculously beautiful Coop took a back seat for my affections behind Jake. From the start, if you put the two of them side by side and slathered in baby oil (not because that’s relevant, but just because I’d like to seem them in baby oil), my hands would, of their own accord, stretch involuntarily toward Jake, without a doubt. It’s no wonder Jake was a HWOTM long before now, because he always plays my lusts like a concert pianist. But even with Jake in the mix this month in a fantastically hot and bothered mat match against Skrapper, Coop doesn’t just turn heel, he turns me into a believer.

Like I said, goldenboy fitness model turned sadistic ring heel is pretty much guaranteed to rock my world as far as wrestling stories go, and you know I’m always a sucker for a well-told story with ample, bouncing, pendulous character development. In less generous moments in the past, I would have probably ungraciously thrown words like “vanilla” and “pedestrian” around in musing on the erotic spells that Austin Cooper can weave over me. That is, most definitely, no longer the case, and for climbing into the ring in a lace up corset and convincing me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s got a ravenous blood lust for chugging down the wailing suffering of a crushed opponent, I’m entirely on board. Among a very competitive and pleasing crowd, Austin Cooper rises to the top as both a gloriously delightful heel and my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month!

Making Jake

The next catalog apparently has a new Jake Jenkins match previewed in BG East Arena this week, in which the former homoerotic wrestler of the month squares off on the mats with always underestimated and deceptively dangerous Skrapper.  It’s been a while since I posted a dose of Making Jake, so let’s consider more of the ABC’s that make Jake Jenkins such a compelling homoerotic wrestler.
K is for “kneel at my feet, bitch!”

..kneel.  Pry your eyes away from the aesthetic perfection of Kid Karisma’s award-winning ass and appreciate the stunningly sexy dominance he has over Jake in their sexy-as-hell ring match for Hunkbash 12.  I could come up with an A-Z catalog just documenting the insanely sexy wonders (yes, that’s 3 uses of the word “sexy” in 2 sentences!) that my top contender for reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler (Kid K) does to his highly acrobatic “monkey boy” opponent, Jake.  Potentially the sweetest of all is when Kid K drags this lovely homage to Kevin Von Erich off the mat by a fistful of hair, his own stunning muscles pumped and primed, staring down at the sweaty, battered, beaten, slack jawed beauty before him as humiliatingly makes Jake kneel.

L is for leaping from the turnbuckle!

leap. Speaking of acrobatics and being a monkey boy, there’s nothing more provocative about Jake than watching him in his natural habitat, swinging from the ropes and climbing the corners of a pro wrestling ring.  The 5’7″, this top babyface of 2012 could make hay for days capitalizing on a low center of gravity and his hot, thick musculature.  Fuck that.  Jake loves to fly, like when Rock Hard Wrestling’s stud puppy, Cliff Johnson’s long lovely bod is flat on it’s back, the overhead lights spinning in his eyes, and his tag team partner a couple of miles away, helpless to do anything but watch his buddy about to get pummeled from projectile Jake.  Cliff’s tantalizing helplessness laid out like a turkey dinner delightfully makes Jake leap!

M is for pushing the mild-mannered stud too far and making him mad!

mad.  I enjoy Jake’s range.  For example, in his tag team match alongside partner Austin Cooper, staring across the ring at Lon Dumont and Nicholas Rush, he chuckles at the start of Tag Team Torture 15.  The boys in stars and stripes think that they’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about.  They’re gorgeous, powerful, and probably Coop’s biceps are about twice as thick and strong as newbie Nick’s quads.  And they’ve partnered in the ring possibly the most of any current (or former?) homoerotic wrestling tag team, establishing a rapport and sweet empathy for one another’s trials in the action.  But here, catch the look of fury on Jake’s face as Coop offers a hand to peel him off the mat after getting used and abused by my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler, Lon Dumont.  The vulnerability of all that high octane muscle having to get a hand off the floor, combined with that rising boil of rage in his eyes is such sweet character development, as Lon Dumont makes Jake mad.

N is for watching your partner humiliated as you start to get nervous.

nervous.  That finely honed empathy Jake’s developed with frequent tag team partner Austin Cooper is a double-edged tool, of course.  On the one hand, Jake and Coop can probably finish each other’s sentences like an old married couple by now, having grown to know exactly what to expect from one another in the heat of battle.  Knowing your partner’s tolerances and limits, having confidence in your partner’s strengths and loyalty… these are fine weapons to bring to bear as a dangerously devastating tag team.  Then again, all that empathy can serve just to share the suffering when one of you is getting crushed and humiliated and you’re stuck obeying the rules from your corner.  When expert sadist and prettyboy basher Ethan Andrews gets his mitts all over Coop’s soaked, bulging body, things start to take a turn for the worse for team goldenboys.  Locking Coop up tight in a camel clutch and prying his helpless head backward to show the camera the handsome stud’s tortured humility leaves Jake pleading with his partner to rally, stretching his hand hopelessly inside the ring so far out of reach, paining the fresh man in the corner to watch his buddy getting messed up and taunted, and with Coop fading fast and looking like he’s about to literally cry uncle, making Jake nervous.

O is for finally putting Mr. Mountain Dew out cold and leaving a little drool dribbling from the corner of his mouth, oblivious.

oblivious.  Jake is not at all unlike a can of Mountain Dew vigorously shaken and then popped open: a concentrated burst of energy exploding all over the ring with a sugary sweet aftertaste.  Kid K called him a monkey boy because Jake doesn’t stop moving, climbing, leaping, sprinting.  He’s a fantastic combination of grace and power, and even when he gives away a fall, you get the sense the rubber ball is just about to bounce right back up.  So it’s probably no wonder that so many of his opponents can only claim an enduring victory over him after they’ve rendered the fitness model unconscious.  All that kinetic energy, all that motion and coordination and acrobatics and emoting go slack, and the allure of a muscled athlete dozing away, completely at the mercy of another man, is the homoerotic wrestling money shot for me.  What a thrilling climax it is to watch 2012’s top heel, Jonny Firestorm, take total possession of 2012’s top babyface in 2012’s best squash of the year, Jobberpaloozer 12, when he makes Jake oblivious.

Having put in my time marveling at Jake today, let me simply offer my assurances to BG East’s winner of best abs and best debut of 2012 that I’ll be stroking his ego as well, soon!

Best of…

The best of BG East in 2012 poll results have been posted.  Joe’s also posted a summary of the winners,  implying that he and the popular vote may have parted ways at several points.  Same for me, I think.  Honestly, I can’t remember who I voted for in several categories, despite the fact that I voted just a few days ago.  It’s probably the remnants of my anti-inflammatory and pain meds working their way out of my system.

Sexiest  Match: StripStakes 3 – Morgan Cruise vs Damien Rush
I do like numbers though, and I’m happy to see a few more data points available than just who won. For example, Morgan Cruise’s rip ‘n strip ‘n force to cum rookie welcome of Damien Rush in StripStakes 3 scored the trophy for sexiest match in 2012, but check the stats.  The match I voted for, Cage Thunder and Lightning Rod’s insanely sexy 2-on-1 destruction of achingly adorably Stinger in Masked Mayhem 9 was just 1 percentage point behind.  I think the heat of this competition deserves seeing Cage Thunder and Lightning Rod tag team once again, this time against Morgan and Damien!
Best Mat Battle: Matie Rookies Eli Black v Jake Jenkins

I was with the herd in selecting best mat battle.  Jake Jenkins and Eli Black’s Mat Rookie confrontation is a match I think will stand the test of time.  And it was 20 percentage points ahead of 2nd place!  When we do a best of the best vote for the next decade anniversary or 100th catalog of BGE, I think Jake and Eli could contend for the title against a broader field.

Best Ring Match: Babyface Brawls 2 Austin Cooper v Cameron Matthews
I can’t remember for certain, but I think my vote for best ring match went with runner-ups Jonny Firestorm and Jake Jenkins in Jobberpalooza 12: The Works, rather than category winners Cameron Matthews and Austin Cooper for Babyface Brawl 2.  I wouldn’t argue with that outcome at all, really, even though just 5 percentage points separated 1st and 2nd place.  I thought that was a very competitive category with several very worthy contenders.

Top Babyface: Jake Jenkins
For best babyface, I think I again went with the herd in picking winner Jake Jenkins who pulled it out by 6 percentage points over Austin Cooper.  There are extremely fierce fans in both of these boys’ camps, so I’m not surprised they rose to the top.  I’m sort of pleased that of the two, Jake topped Coop.

Top Heel: Jonny Firestorm

Honestly, I just can’t remember who I voted for top heel, but it could have been winner Jonny Firestorm who beat out equally likely candidate I may have voted for, Kid Karisma, by 11 points.  Since there was no category for most mindblowing forearms (next year, people!), I’m glad Jonny tucked this one under his belt.

Best Squash: Jopperpalooza 12: The Works Jonny Firestorm v Jake Jenkins
Best squash was not close at all, but I sided with the 17% of decisively swung for Kid Karisma’s gorgeous, sexy beatdown on Skip Vance in Mat Mayhem 23 rather than category winner Jonny Firestorm and Jake Jenkins for Jobberpalooza 12: The Works.  I’m glad The Works got a shout out somewhere in the poll results, though.  And the writing was on the wall, really, with Jake voted top babyface and Jonny voted top heel!

Jobber of the Year: Rio Garza
Jobber of the year went to fan favorite Rio Garza by 9 percentage points over my pick, Skip Vance.  Rio’s got an extremely loyal and not infrequently aggressive (to the point of rude) fan base that makes this result unsurprising to me.  For my tastes, however, Skip is much more a classic jobber and entertaining sell.  Rio’s awfully entertaining to watch job, too, though.

Debut of the Year: Eli Black
Again, I think was with the herd in picking Eli as the best debut of 2012 by 12 points over Damien, though this could easily have gone a different direction and I’d have been entirely on board.  It feels like Eli’s been at BG East for years and years, which suggests to me why this was, as Eli would be happy to tell you, his year!

Best Spotlight Release: Wrestler Spotlight: Austin Cooper
Best spotlight release feature was an 11 point spread between Eli and category winner Austin Cooper.  While this doesn’t surprise me, and if I were a betting man I’d have put money down and made money back on this outcome, I placed my vote for last place winner Denny Cartier because his Leopard’s Lair 4 anchor position was fucking AWESOME, and essentially 4 barnburner and brutal bouts for the price of 2.  I love, love, love me some Denny Cartier and one of my fondest wishes for 2013 is to see him tap into a nasty streak and headline a new category for next year’s voting: best heel turn!

Best Abs: Eli Black
Best abs was a surprisingly (to me) narrow victory of 2 points by Eli over Jake.  What makes for “best” when it comes to bodies and their parts is, obviously, subjective, however my vote went for Lon Dumont by a mile and a half.  At the risk of pissing off Eli, I just have to say Eli’s phenomenal 8-pack seems to me to be about 60% conditioning and 40% mass, whereas Lon’s anatomy chart abdominals (the whole pacakge: serratus, obliques, abdomini) are a more aesthetically balanced and all around stunning beauty.  I don’t begrudge Eli’s victory at all, mind you, but I just shake my head and contemplate my vast distance from the herd when I see that Lon placed last.  For me and my tastes, I think this calls for a Lon v Eli gut bash in 2013.

Best Bulge: Mr. Joshua Goodman
I was, however, right in the middle of the pack in voting for best bulge winner (by 4 points) Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!), who slapped down his junk to power hit past Gabriel Ross’ anaconda.  There wasn’t one candidate in this field that couldn’t easily own the title, and I’d go so far as to say that this year was a bumber crop of mountainous packages. Now the task for 2013 is for one of those club boys that he likes to take home and challenge to wrestle for the chance to put Mr. J on his knees, to literally shock the pants off of Mr. J and finally, finally, finally unleash the beast within.  I guarantee I’ll buy three copies of that release!

Best Butt: Kid Karisma
Best butt was a horse race between category winner Kid Karisma and 2nd place finisher (by a nose) Cameron Matthews.  While we can’t go wrong with any of the contenders for this title, I’m happy to admit I voted for and was campaign chairman for Kid K’s glorious glutes to grab this title.  Again, I say, the ferocity of this competition clearly warrants a Kid K v Cameron rip ‘n strip ring battle to be decided by who makes whom kiss his ass. I’ll pay a premium for a front row seat to that one!

Best Body: Rio Garza
Best body again revealed the distance between me and the herd, with Rio Garza taking the title by 4 points over 2nd place Austin Cooper.  Arguably, this could be the most subjective of all of these wildly subjective categories, because what bodies turn us on follow such divergent tastes in bodies among wrestling fans.  If this were strictly about physical conditioning and muscle mass, the 2 bodybuilders at the bottom of the heap, Magnus and my choice Lon Dumont, could have easily vied for the top spots.  Again, this line of reasoning makes my loins ache to see Magnus and Lon in a head-to-head catchweight ring match of bodybuilding beauties.  However, 21% of fans preferred the body of beautifully proportioned, lickably smooth Rio, which I get, despite my tastes drawing me strongly elsewhere.

Hottest Liplock: X-Fights 34 Gabriel Ross and Drake Marcos
The final category placed me back among the masses in selecting the blazingly hot X-Fights 34 match between Drake Marcos and Gabriel Ross, obliterating the competition with 54% of the vote!  Truth be told, I could easily be tempted to swing for the incredibly sexy and, yes, I’ll say it, wrestling romantic liplock that Enforcer slapped on Maskador in Masked Mayhem 10 as the ripped hunk hung battered and helpless in a tree of woe, halfway to being entirely unmasked.  I admit it: I’ve also gotten off to that scene from Spiderman where Tobey Maguire hangs upside down, his masked half pulled off, as his co-star sucks hero face.  Gorgeous fantasy!  But holy hell, the heat generated by Drake and Gabriel could heat Reykjavik for year!
What a year!  BG East pieced together an incredible collection of outstanding homoerotic wrestling, and all of the nominees and the entire catalog of 2012 releases deserves all this and much more credit.  Nicely done, gentlemen! 

Enjoy

There are less than 12 hours for you to register your votes in BG East’s Best of 2012 poll, so get to it!  My last post, urging you to fulfill your civic duty and vote, generated some consternation from a couple of folks concerned about my electioneering.  I hear your concern, and I respect it.  But I humbly point out, this isn’t rocket science.  Have some fun with it, my friends.  Campaign for your favorites.  Enlist random friends to sign up and stuff the ballot box with your slate of picks.  Lighten up and enjoy.  It’s homoerotic wrestling, after all, and if there’s anything that should guide us in reflecting on it, it’s enjoyment.

Rio’s Bad Day: Nominee for Best Spotlight Release of 2012

More to the point, we the electorate can’t really go wrong in this one.  Unlike national elections for public office, it’s not like there’s any one potential candidate who could rip apart the fabric of civil society.  To assist, not to campaign, let’s take a look at the nominees for best abs as they appeared in 2012 releases.  Seriously, there is no “wrong” choice to be made (and you can select a write-in candidate).  So have at it!

And the nominees for Best Abs of 2012 are…

Eli Black
Austin Cooper
Alexi Adamov
Lon Dumont

Jake Jenkins