|K is for “kneel at my feet, bitch!”|
..kneel. Pry your eyes away from the aesthetic perfection of Kid Karisma’s award-winning ass and appreciate the stunningly sexy dominance he has over Jake in their sexy-as-hell ring match for Hunkbash 12. I could come up with an A-Z catalog just documenting the insanely sexy wonders (yes, that’s 3 uses of the word “sexy” in 2 sentences!) that my top contender for reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler (Kid K) does to his highly acrobatic “monkey boy” opponent, Jake. Potentially the sweetest of all is when Kid K drags this lovely homage to Kevin Von Erich off the mat by a fistful of hair, his own stunning muscles pumped and primed, staring down at the sweaty, battered, beaten, slack jawed beauty before him as humiliatingly makes Jake kneel.
|L is for leaping from the turnbuckle!|
… leap. Speaking of acrobatics and being a monkey boy, there’s nothing more provocative about Jake than watching him in his natural habitat, swinging from the ropes and climbing the corners of a pro wrestling ring. The 5’7″, this top babyface of 2012 could make hay for days capitalizing on a low center of gravity and his hot, thick musculature. Fuck that. Jake loves to fly, like when Rock Hard Wrestling’s stud puppy, Cliff Johnson’s long lovely bod is flat on it’s back, the overhead lights spinning in his eyes, and his tag team partner a couple of miles away, helpless to do anything but watch his buddy about to get pummeled from projectile Jake. Cliff’s tantalizing helplessness laid out like a turkey dinner delightfully makes Jake leap!
|M is for pushing the mild-mannered stud too far and making him mad!|
… mad. I enjoy Jake’s range. For example, in his tag team match alongside partner Austin Cooper, staring across the ring at Lon Dumont and Nicholas Rush, he chuckles at the start of Tag Team Torture 15. The boys in stars and stripes think that they’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about. They’re gorgeous, powerful, and probably Coop’s biceps are about twice as thick and strong as newbie Nick’s quads. And they’ve partnered in the ring possibly the most of any current (or former?) homoerotic wrestling tag team, establishing a rapport and sweet empathy for one another’s trials in the action. But here, catch the look of fury on Jake’s face as Coop offers a hand to peel him off the mat after getting used and abused by my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler, Lon Dumont. The vulnerability of all that high octane muscle having to get a hand off the floor, combined with that rising boil of rage in his eyes is such sweet character development, as Lon Dumont makes Jake mad.
|N is for watching your partner humiliated as you start to get nervous.|
… nervous. That finely honed empathy Jake’s developed with frequent tag team partner Austin Cooper is a double-edged tool, of course. On the one hand, Jake and Coop can probably finish each other’s sentences like an old married couple by now, having grown to know exactly what to expect from one another in the heat of battle. Knowing your partner’s tolerances and limits, having confidence in your partner’s strengths and loyalty… these are fine weapons to bring to bear as a dangerously devastating tag team. Then again, all that empathy can serve just to share the suffering when one of you is getting crushed and humiliated and you’re stuck obeying the rules from your corner. When expert sadist and prettyboy basher Ethan Andrews gets his mitts all over Coop’s soaked, bulging body, things start to take a turn for the worse for team goldenboys. Locking Coop up tight in a camel clutch and prying his helpless head backward to show the camera the handsome stud’s tortured humility leaves Jake pleading with his partner to rally, stretching his hand hopelessly inside the ring so far out of reach, paining the fresh man in the corner to watch his buddy getting messed up and taunted, and with Coop fading fast and looking like he’s about to literally cry uncle, making Jake nervous.
|O is for finally putting Mr. Mountain Dew out cold and leaving a little drool dribbling from the corner of his mouth, oblivious.|
… oblivious. Jake is not at all unlike a can of Mountain Dew vigorously shaken and then popped open: a concentrated burst of energy exploding all over the ring with a sugary sweet aftertaste. Kid K called him a monkey boy because Jake doesn’t stop moving, climbing, leaping, sprinting. He’s a fantastic combination of grace and power, and even when he gives away a fall, you get the sense the rubber ball is just about to bounce right back up. So it’s probably no wonder that so many of his opponents can only claim an enduring victory over him after they’ve rendered the fitness model unconscious. All that kinetic energy, all that motion and coordination and acrobatics and emoting go slack, and the allure of a muscled athlete dozing away, completely at the mercy of another man, is the homoerotic wrestling money shot for me. What a thrilling climax it is to watch 2012’s top heel, Jonny Firestorm, take total possession of 2012’s top babyface in 2012’s best squash of the year, Jobberpaloozer 12, when he makes Jake oblivious.
Having put in my time marveling at Jake today, let me simply offer my assurances to BG East’s winner of best abs and best debut of 2012 that I’ll be stroking his ego as well, soon!