Crowning a New Champion

Lon Dumont: my instant infatuation

The first glimpse I ever had of Lon Dumont piqued my interest.  He was handsome and lean with beautiful muscles and a strikingly hot shaved head.  Sprinkle some salt in the crevices between his six-pack abs, stick a slice of lime in that mouth, and I’ll bring the tequila!  But while Lon was undeniably attractive in still frame, when I saw him wrestle Eddy Rey in what I still think is the sexiest forced-to-flex match I’ve yet seen, I was completely captured.  The swagger, the strut, the cocky trash talk… before Eddy even hoists his long muscle bod over the top rope to climb in, Lon already had me completely entranced.  Then that body and that attitude providing the platform for a completely self-possessed, high quality pro wrestling beatdown sold me lock, stock and barrel.  It didn’t take long for him to slide his hot ass into the top ranks of my favorite homoerotic wrestlers.

Lon is all smiles and good natured respect before a match
Lon was a finalist for votes in BG East’s Top Heel of 2012, but honestly, I think he’s hard to pigeonhole.  He typically starts out a match on an optimistic note.  He’s usually the first to show some respect for an opponent.  Out of the starting gate, Lon is more self-assured, good-natured, and witty than vicious, snarling or hell-bent on humiliation.  But then poke him a bit, as opponents always do, and you’ll get a rise out of him.  He’ll go from 0 to 60 in a split second.  It’s common to hear Lon muse wistfully, “It didn’t have to be this way,” in brief pauses between pounding the shit out of a dazed and confused opponent.  I get the impression Lon would enjoy it if his wrestling matches were gentlemanly contests of strength, skill and stamina between mutually respectful athletes.  Is this the mindset of a heel?  I’m not sure.  Then again, once he’s been provoked, once yet another cocky hunk has miscalculated the incredibly lean, aesthetically gorgeous physique star, the depth of his snarling, punishing cruelty is an astonishing thing to watch.  Thus provoked, the brutality stretching from corner to corner, trapped in the ropes, hair pulled, contempt raining down as Lon isn’t satisfied with literal victory, but insists on delivering complete humiliation and ego crushing psychological domination, certainly has the strong whiff of a highly accomplished heel.
Big Joe shows no respect
In Lon’s terribly mismatched ring battle with giant Joe Robbins in Gut Bash 8, he invited the massive side of beef in the ring with him to compare physiques.  As with most masses of muscle who climb into the wrestling ring, Joe is looking at different criteria in his side-by-side comparison.  Aesthetically, considering proportion, definition, overall conditioning, and the balance of leanness with muscle mass, Lon my be 95 pounds lighter and over half a foot shorter, but he’s head and shoulders above big Joe.  Lon gently insists on respect from the big man (which, of course, he doesn’t get) on every comparison of body part by body part until they get to flexing their quads.  Lon is the first to acknowledge that big Joe simply has him beat in that department.  Honestly, one of Joe’s upper thighs is about as thick as Lon’s waist (which says wonders about both bodies), but Lon puts it right out there that he’s got major work to do to get his legs in as mind-boggling a shape as his diamond carved abs.  Big Joe doesn’t give a flying fuck about Lon’s bodybuilding trophies and near approximation of perfect physical conditioning. The 240 pounder beats the living daylights out of my long time wrestler crush, determined to prove the point that his own undeniably strong, less defined abs are more “useful” than the living anatomy chart next to him.  I’m unconvinced that he proved that point, rather than establishing the fact that a 7 inch height advantage and a 95 pound weight advantage is hard to beat.  For my tastes, Lon takes the mugging like the champ he is, as exquisite in dining on suffering as he is on dishing it out.  But I’ll admit that my long-time infatuation with him strongly influences my interpretation of events.
Lon keeps improving on perfection

Lon has since been superseded in the ranks of my favorites by ass-tastic party boy Kid Karisma, but that’s hardly the extent of the changes.  As Hair Stakes illustrates, Lon is nothing short of shaggy these days, coming an incredibly long way from his former shaved scalp.  And of course Ethan Andrews is a mop head as well, establishing the highly entertaining premise of this match: loser loses his locks.  There’s been a good deal of armchair hairstyling from Lon fans, debating which “do” he rocks the best. Me, I’d sell my firstborn to get my hands all over him at any phase of his follicle development, though I have to admit I’ve got a big, roaring hard spot for watching Ethan wrap his fingers in Lon’s curls and drag him screaming across the ring.

Lon’s got a new hairdo and brand new bulging quads!

But holy hell, let’s not allow the title and explicit story of this match to distract us from the rest of what’s developed about Lon since I first fell in lust with him in Fantasymen 32.  He’s been through about 2 and a half competitive bodybuilding seasons since then, and his already worship-worthy body has come a long way.  Most provocatively for this viewer, Lon’s legs are phenomenal!

Hair Stakes, definitely… but look at those upper legs!

He’s certainly not going to get any more respect from big Joe Robbins, I’m sure, but a casual observer (or a rabid Lon Dumont fanatic, like me), has got to admit he’s packed on muscle mass while maintaining that insane, lean conditioning.  I think it helps that he’s not wearing knee pads, so we can see the mountainous heads on those lower quads (note to Lon: don’t wear knee pads).  But no one in their right mind can argue with the fact that like his hair, his legs have come a long, long way.

Lon takes the situation firmly in hand.

Having obsessed about his phenomenal body yet again, let me also repeat that Lon’s mouth continues to be one of the sexiest assets this stud brings with him in an already deep, deep arsenal of sexy assets.  Ethan is also a notorious trash talker.  His bread and butter at Rock Hard Wrestling is taking pretty muscle boys by surprise and destroying them in body while crushing them in mind and soul with his razor sharp tongue.  And perhaps that was his game plan when he climbed into the ring with Lon: one more muscle head to be taken for granted by only to out hustle with experience and dirty tricks along the way to watching them whither underneath an endless onslaught of ego bursting trash talk.  Verbally, the offense is Ethan’s from the start, because you know, Lon would have been just as happy to settle this like gentlemen.  Ethan is many things, but I can’t imagine he gets called a gentlemen often at all, at least not by his opponents.  He tells Lon he looks like a lesbian, which gets a slight chuckle and an eye roll from the bodybuilder.  Ethan drips condescension as he suggests Lon looks like a cancer patient in a bad wig.  Lon sneers and throws in another eye roll at both bad taste and poor humor.  But when Ethan suggests that Lon has crows feet, and that he’s probably getting too old to stay in the high impact game, Lon’s foot puts the pedal to the metal.  Note to future opponents: Lon does NOT like being mistaken for someone older than he is (how old is he?!).

Ethan is a master at serving up a dish of battered muscleboy most appealingly.

At the top of Ethan’s assets in homoerotic wrestling is his uncanny ability to not only make a pretty muscle boy suffer, but to display him so seductively.  When on offense in Hair Stakes, this match is no exception for him. He squeezes and stretches Lon’s bodybuilding competition-ready physique mouthwateringly.  He’s savvy and vicious and tenacious like a terrier (which is incredibly hot to me), and he sprinkles in verbal domination and slowly humiliating corporal punishment into this incredibly (and hilariously) sexy battle in which long hair is used by both battlers in delightfully creative, agonizing ways.

Lon’s lovely hamstrings and perfectly positioned ass!

With the extensive experience of both of these wrestlers, it should come as no surprise that the pace is relentless.  There’s little time spent jockeying for who’s on top because both boys are decisive and expert at applying holds.  It’s a chess match.  Move and counter, advantage secured then lost.

Lon’s curls bounce as he locks on a game changer.

But like so many smart ass hunks before him, Ethan can’t quite keep up with Lon’s barrage of trash talk or his mastery of the ring.  Lon subdues the scrapper by shutting his mouth for good, putting him out cold and displaying almost every one of his own mouthwatering muscles to perfection each step along the way.  Between being so beautifully displayed by young Ethan and then showing what all those pretty, pretty muscles are good for, this match does something momentous to me.  It stokes my Lon-mania back to full blast and results in the rare event of a change in the rankings of which wrestler owns me the hardest.

I’d trade places with Ethan here any… damn… time!

That’s right, Lon has upended (which, let’s face it, may be Kid Karisma’s best side anyway) Kid Karisma to decisively make me put the crown of my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler on his shaggy head.  Kid K is no more than half a step behind him by my count, so the competition is arousingly tight for the title.  I still give Eli Black the edge on a match by match comparison of Hair Stakes with Gut Bash 10 for the homoerotic wrestler of the month title.  But in the overall rankings, Hair Stakes gives Lon just the boot up on idle Kid K that he needs to climb to the top and sit very, very pretty.

One thought on “Crowning a New Champion

  1. I'm so glad that Ethan got the come-uppance he so richly deserved. PWP occasionally has compilation or special edition DVDs in which a once dominant wrestler is shown getting demolished, only sometime in revenge. I'd like to see Ethan and Eli in something similar.Lon ranks high in my personal rankings, but I'm not sure that he's surpassed KK. What we need is a match to decide the issue. And let's not be satisfied with two of three falls. For the fans' pleasure, make it three of five! In the ring.

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