Wednesday’s Woes

I’m entirely on board with the erotic power of a tree of woe. The ToW is an example of how some homoerotic wrestling gems simply require a professional wrestling ring.  Hang a hammered hunk upside down in the corner, his knees draped over the top ropes and his feet locked in place beneath the cable connecting the turnbuckle to the post, and there’s all sorts of a hot wrestling gold that’s suddenly ripe for picking. It’s a maneuver that signals total control over a mastered man. The subject of woe is laid out so vulnerably, his body not just on display, but trussed up beautifully for easy access to innovative methods of torture.  There’s a little crossover here between bondage kink and wrestling kink, with enough of both to show due respect to all parties involved, as far as I’m concerned.  In honor of those of you who harbor a special place in your hearts and crotches for an agonizing, dominating, body manipulating tree of woe (and I hear from you often), this post is for you.  Here are 10 ideas for what to do with an opponent once you’ve trapped him in a tree of woe.

Climb on top, knee crushing his balls, and celebrate like Brooklyn Bodywrecker.
When finding yourself out-boxed, hang the fucker upside down and peel off his gloves to make this all about homoerotic wrestling, like Brodie Fisher.
Grab a dumbbell and bash your opponent’s six-pack abs, like Eli Black.
Duck outside the ring and wrench the trapped fucker’s head backward, like Cameron Matthews.
Stop on his flowing locks and dare the muscleboy to squirm, like Ethan Andrews.
Stand outside the ring and threaten to rip his arms out at the shoulder, like Alex Waters.
Make sure his trunks are hooked on the turnbuckle and slipping off, then land a soaring drop kick to the helpless stud’s gut, like Jonny Firestorm.
Sit on his face, like the Brooklyn Bodywrecker.
Pause and appreciate the view – and feel – like Jarret Cole.
That’s right, a Tree of Woe/Bearhug/Headscissors combination, nice and snug in the crushing embrace of Cole Cassidy!


It’s been a couple months now, but I’m just now finding some time to talk about a Rock Hard Wrestling match from this summer that got my engine revving.  Billed as “Picture Perfect Muscle Match,” the foursome squeezed into the RHW ring epitomize the founding charter of RHW, featuring “rock hard bodies, fitness model looks, and skilled athletic abilities.” The formula is pristine, the messaging crystal clear, and the execution perfectly on mark. But the little moments of added value are what make me take the most delight in this tag team melee.

Brian Baker goes for a ride in Brodie Fisher’s arms, as constant trash talker Josh Steel mouths off to Alex Waters in the opposite corner.

First, the explicit heel-team of this confrontation: Josh Steel and Brian Baker. They’re contemptuous, smirking, sneering muscleboys with badboy ink and dominating size. Josh’s ass is as mouthwatering as ever, suction-packed beautifully in his white trunks. Brian, the “jolly green giant” as their opponents call him, is stunningly beautiful at 6’4″ and 205 pounds. They perch in their corner making fun of their shorter opponents before the match begins, clearly not impressed with the show of muscle and strength the babyfaces across the ring demonstrate as they warm up. “It’s not just show!” Brodie shouts angrily. “We got a lot of go, too!”  Smart ass Josh puts his hand to his ear and looks confused. “Sorry, I can’t hear you with all that Canada in your mouth,” he taunts, making fun of the Canuck’s accent.

Alex Waters takes a moment to savor his opponent’s suffering as Brodie Fisher eggs Alex on from the ring apron.

Their opponents are a vision of earnestness, muscles pumped, bodies bronzed, matching singlets with straps pulled down to show off the rippling torsos. Two classic babyface beauties so similar in size and build they could easily pass for a brother act. Brodie Fisher is the anchor, clearly in charge, calling the shots, and setting the pace. Alex Waters isn’t far behind, however. Not quite as profuse a trash talker as Brodie, he is nevertheless quite a nice bookend for this fratboy, babyface tag team pairing. They are full of mutual appreciation for each other, as evidenced by their insistence on using their iphones to snap shots of each other posing before the match, showing off their beautifully pumped muscles in preparation for victory. The fact that they snap each other’s photos with their own phones (Brodie capturing Alex’ flexing muscles in his photo gallery, and vice versa) tweaks my kink a bit, with the suggestion that they each want a souvenir shot of the other.

Heels do what heels do best.

Again, the formula is incredibly sweet. The bodies are simply stunning to watch, everyone getting his turn suffering a double team, beautiful bodies brutalized, muscles dominated. Sneering Josh and Brian prove early that they’re more than ready to take short cuts and exploit “the rules,” with giant Brian trapping Alex in the ropes for Josh to pound the shit out of his abs with fists, stomps, and a head butt. The babyface heroes call them “cheaters,” but we didn’t need the scripting there. They’re both bigger and more lowdown than the fratboys, meaning the babyface heroes are going to be faced with a moment of truth. Climb down in the muck with them, or get seriously fucked up.

Babyface fratboys aren’t afraid to cut corners to level the playing field.

The babyface beauties don’t really require a lot of coaxing really. They restrain themselves from double teaming very early on, but once the heels open the door, the fratboys rush into rule bending territory quickly. Consummate trashtalker Josh gets most of the double teaming, because that smart mouth (and luscious ass) demand the focused attention from the wonder twins. Gorgeous giant Brian, on the other hand, just gets brutalized straight up, little double-teaming required. He’s fucking slow on his feet, and both Brodie and Alex make mincemeat out of this side of beef. He’s slammed to his back about 3 dozens times, but it’s the scoop up in the arms that makes me gasp most. Seeing a 6’4″ hunk hoisted helplessly in the air and paraded about the ring by guys literally half a foot shorter is an incredible display of musclehunk domination. Flop-haired towering beauty Brian is fucking lucky to have vicious little viper Josh in his corner, because Brian gets singlehandedly (then a double team, just to rub it in) owned by the wonder twins.

Collecting trophies.

When Brodie buttons up big Brian in a kneeling surfboard for the first fall submission, here’s where the value added components start to add up quickly for me.  In their respective corners, Alex taunts notorious trashtalker Josh. “You like that shit!?” he asks Josh. “You like your partner getting his ass kicked?!”  Josh is incensed, barking back, “Why don’t you come over here and talk to me!?” Brodie clearly likes that shit, because he barks at his Alex to grab an iphone and capture Brian’s moment of humiliation on camera. Brian gives, but it won’t count until Alex has snapped the moment the words are spoken. All that mighty muscle is stretched out, locked up, and forced to suffer, and Brodie wants to capture forever his handiwork.  He clearly wants to come back to this moment later, and soak in the sight of what he’s done to the once smirking skyscraper. Brutalized and humiliated, Brian has no choice. He gives on command, with the camera snapping it up for Brodie to savor later.

Smile for the camera, bitch!

This is not a squash, by any means. There’s just too much muscle and athleticism for this to lean just one way. Big Brian is still learning how to capitalize on this insanely long limbs, but he gets in a few hot moments of fratboy beatdown. Josh is the steam engine on the heel side of things, though, instantly grabbing momentum with both hands every time he’s tagged in. But the collegiate standouts from Wrestle U. have got the taste for short cuts on the way to muscle domination, and slowly but surely the tide turns their way. Josh takes a dump truck full of abuse for all that trash talk, all those sneers, all the insults and slights and laughter. Alex ties him up in a crucifix across his back, leaving Josh’s pornstar quality muscled torso stretched out like a turkey ready for carving. Brodie is clearly so turned on by the sight that he, once again, insists on capturing the moment on his iphone. The once smirking muscle stud badass wails out his submission, and all Brodie can think is to capture precisely that moment on camera to be able to come back again and again and roll around the taste of total victory in his mouth.


That’s right, heels crushed in two straight totally humiliating submissions with the handsome fratboys snagging trophies of their victory to take home with them. Holy fuck! Babyface retribution, heroes dabbling on the dark side, the insistence on claiming personal momentos to savor their muscle domination over smart ass bullies… damn, yes!  Wonder twin powers, activate!