It’s the day designated for expressing thanks. I certainly have a boatload of things, people, and moments to be thankful for. But as a departure from always talking about what I like, I think today I’ll just share some choice pics of homoerotic wrestlers who give every impression of being caught right at the moment of thanking their lucky stars. Happy day, y’all.
Have you ever instantly fallen in lust with the hot stud leaning against the wall across the bar, only to discover on closer inspection that he’s not really all that? Back in the day before video streaming (I feel like Grandpa talking about serials on the radio), all we had to decide what gay wrestling videos we wanted to purchase were stills. I’d see some pics of exactly “my type,” (whatever the hell that is), and like Pavlov’s dog I’d pull out my… credit card and send off for a tape in order to possess the handsome stud. Of course, they typically package these tapes as collections, and usually I’d be in lust with only two or three of the wrestlers. Then when the desperately anticipated moment arrived, I’d rip open the envelope, sprint to the TV, and pop in the tape.
Not infrequently, though, those objects of my lust turned out to not turn my crank so much. In my first BG East purchase, Troy Milan, who I was ready to swoon over, was actually a little annoying when you added audio and saw him actually move on the mats. He was way too much go-go and not enough throw down.
Then out of no where, Joe Mazetti blew my mind. I never would have picked Joe out of a crowd of hunky men as the one who would make me sweat. But seeing his sadistic sneer, particularly with the audio on, and I was surprised by lust!
Chip Slater did the same thing to me. The profoundly cleft chin is, I admit, a turn on for me. But otherwise I was not expecting Chip to send me over the moon. But he’s a freaking god on the mats! He twists his opponents into pretzels and laughs at them. He absolutely can’t help himself from torturing his opponents’ balls, and he himself appears to have balls of steel.
Soon after discovering Can-Am online, I thought I was entranced by bodybuilder Paul Perris. Oddly, when I actually brought him home, his doing the splits didn’t send me over the moon the way I thought it would. On the other hand, Troy Lucas completely took me by surprise. In motion, in the grasp of sadistic Johnny Lightening (who missed a spot shaving his ass), Troy rushed to the front of the line of my favorites on Canadian Musclehunk Oil Wrestling 3.
One final example: I thought I was purchasing Fantasy Pro Wrestling primarily to ogle the mysteriously, concisely named “Matthews” (sort of like Cher: he’s so hot he only needs one name).
But popping it in, I quickly discovered that Matthews was not the apple of my eye (and he may only need one name because that’s as much as he can remember). I was glad that Hector Alvarez beat his ass for disappointing me like that. On the other hand, Buck Wyld turned out to be worth every penny. It’s not that Matthews doesn’t have all the right parts in the right proportion. He just doesn’t move as sexy as a hot man can move (and he’s creepily quiet). Buck, on the other hand…
Anyway, like falling in love with the B-Side, I appreciate the unexpected gems that catch me by surprise in the collection tapes. It’s a nice lesson to remember to be open to having your assumptions challenged. Sometimes the hot guys posing across the bar aren’t the sexiest ones in the room, even if they might catch your eye first. When it comes to homoerotic wrestling products, between the boys who disappoint and the boys who pleasantly surprise, all in all I generally come out on top. And on those rare occasions when I’m left with a hollow, unsatiated feeling, if it’s a BG East product I’ll at least get to enjoy the trailers (I’m a BIG fan of the trailers).
Can we talk? I’ve had something on my mind for a while now, but I’ve been reluctant to bring it up. Finally, I saw one too many gay wrestling clips with a homophobic plot. In 2009, I think that producers and consumers of gay porn and homoerotic wrestling need to abandon the pre-Stonewall plot line that centers around the closet-case who gets violent when called out. Dan White has been dead and buried for over 23 years now, and frankly the idea that encountering an openly gay man should incite a reasonable hetero to violence (whether he’s eating twinkies or not) was always a hateful, bigoted lie.
So when our own erotica and porn features the plot of “gay panic,” I think it should be a MAJOR turn off (libido-wise and consumer-wise). I get it. Really I do. The story of gay panic violence turning into hot pounding sex (thus proving the closet-case a liar), has an element of humor. The guys who react most violently against homosexuality are, indeed, the likeliest candidates to own real estate in the closet.
But that moment where it turns violent, with the “straight” character lashing out in defense of his heterosexual bona fides, that just kills the mood. Seriously, there are thousands of fantastically hot plots for homoerotic wrestling (well, at least three or four plots). Gay panic is not one of them. For those masochists who can only get off on someone calling you “faggot,” seriously now, there are hotter scenarios to get beaten up to. For the sadists who can only get off by re-enacting a gay bashing… come on now, deep seated insecurity is the root of gay bashing. You can be more creative than that!
Some of my favorite plot devices in homoerotic wrestling include the cocky muscle jobber stunned by the skinny ringer.
I think one of the most novel recent ideas was Can-Am’sFantasy Pro-Wrestling, with the horny consumer transported into the ring to re-write the scenario as it goes along to suit his sexual fantasies (the concept works better than the execution, though I adore Buck Wyld’s ass). Sadly, that consumer’s fantasies are awfully demure compared with this consumer’s fantasies.
I apologize if I sound preachy, here. Perhaps we don’t expect there to be a plot. Maybe I’m the only one who’s interested in the social context of my porn and homoerotic wrestling products. And please let me be clear, I’m ready to advocate for BDSM all the way! But I hope that we can turn the corner and leave the explicitly homophobic storylines to the homophobes.