I’m the first in line to marvel at a ridiculously defined physique. The sight of striated muscle born of astonishingly low body fat can frequently send me into a swoon, all on its own. One need not be a competition bodybuilder to turn me on, by any means, but a hyperfit wrestler with musculature straight out of Gray’s Anatomy of the Human Body will nearly always work for me.

Newbie Naked Kombat fighter Dragon, however, gives me pause. From a distance, I think this could totally work. He’s got a washboard and nice, broad pecs. He looks handsome and hard. But up close, I’m actually a little concerned for the guy. Granted, he may be marathon runner with legitimately undetectable body fat. But I just keep thinking to myself, “This guy needs to eat more!

I’ve noted KL at the BG East Headquarters yahoo page often caution commenters from getting too catty with criticizing wrestlers’ bodies. These guys are real people with real feelings. I’d bet my bank account that more than a handful of homoerotic wrestlers have serious body image problems, even with you and me seeing them like the Greek gods they resemble. I don’t want to be catty in the least as I sit back in my armchair and comment on Dragon’s physique. But I just have to say, this guy looks unhealthily skinny.

He says at the beginning of his match with DJ in this week’s NK release that he’s 5’10” and 135 pounds. I’m no physiologist, but a quick look at a BMI calculator says that Dragon is just barely over top of the “underweight” category (and I’d venture that he may be exaggerating his weight). Perhaps he’s still in a healthy range, clinically speaking. But he looks too damn skinny!

In Dragon’s match with Mr. Franchise, DJ, I seriously worry that the poor rookie is going to get snapped in half. It takes a lot to make DJ look like anything other than a (hot) skinny little scrapper himself, but relatively speaking, DJ’s looking like a big, bad bully face-to-face with his somewhat freakishly skin-and-bones opponent. Dragon works hard, but this is unsurprisingly a squash. Not to spoil things too, too much, but the rookie doesn’t make it out of single digits in “NK Points.” To be fair, I didn’t watch the whole match, so there may be more there than I’m giving it credit for. But frankly, I couldn’t watch the whole thing. I had to fast forward when I found myself tempted to look up interventions for anorexics. It made me uncomfortable. When DJ climbed on for his victory lap pony ride, I found myself gritting my teeth, hoping that Dragon’s pipe cleaner arms could bear the weight.

I’ll bet Dragon is 110% up someone’s alley out there, and both for you and for him I’m completely supportive of what it is that gets your blood pumping. But… (and I sincerely hope that I’m not sounding too catty)… please, please, feed this sincere little scrapper some more carbs, have him put on another 20 pounds of muscle and 5 or 10 pounds of unashamed fat, and then send him back out for another go. As is, he’s just too damn skinny to make me anything but patronizingly worried about his health, and this doesn’t make me proud to admit it.
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When I saw Brandon Bangs in Raging Stallion’s release Brutal, I was intrigued by my reaction. His porn name makes me uncontrollably roll my eyes. Seriously, “Brandon Bangs?” And he’s so ridiculously an over-the-top, almost caricature of himself, suburban white-boy-next-door. He’s blond, pale, with a pretty but not terribly hard body. He’s not outrageously handsome. There’s no specialty body part that stands out on him as jaw-dropping stunning (not to say that everything isn’t quite nice, and he’s got a completely respectable cock made for porn). He’s just so middle-of-the-road in the field of standout pornboys and wrestling pornboys. So why was I so completely drawn to him!? Couldn’t take my eyes off of him in Brutal, which is astonishing when you consider his one scene was alongside of Phenix Saint (a total standout stud) and Angelo Marconi (with the face and body ripped off of a romance novel cover). I don’t understand me.

This week, Brandon showed up for his debut match at Naked Kombat, grappling alongside of tag-team partner DJ (very smart choice, Brandon!). He’s a little softer than the shape he was in for Brutal. In both the pre- and post-match interviews, he’s a little awkward, sort of dorky. He stumbles across a couple of malaprops that, if I were feeling a lack of generosity, I might say give him a “dumb jock” air (which typically bores me). Once again, on paper I’d expect this pale, pale vision to be quickly forgotten. But once again, I’m quite taken with him! Is this some inexplicable, whitebread, bourgeois pornboy crush I’m nurturing!? And if you just answered, “yes,” should I feel as embarrassed of myself as I do for it?

I do understand some of Brandon’s allure. He’s just so incredible eager! The malaprops and smirking, winking, nudge-nudge, “we’re going to turn these guys into men,” banter with his partner somehow come across as simply, authentically eager to get down to the business of showing his stuff. That’s just damn adorable. And he grapples all-in. Even in the post-match interview, the off camera interviewer compliments Brandon on his impressive intensity and panache for his debut with NK. DJ could have singlehandedly mopped the floor with their two destined-to-job opponents, but Brandon scraps with surprising savvy and sincerity, taking cues from DJ in scoring “NK points” and dominating like only a suburban, whiteboy, boy-next-door-turned pornboy can. I get some of what it is that’s making me give Brandon a double-take. But there’s something more going on here that I’m missing…

So I’d pay money to watch Rusty Stevens psychologically crush Brandon before they ever locked up. Rusty’s lightening, slicing wit is pretty much the antithesis of Brandon’s awkward rookie babble, and when it comes to turning me on, there’s a reason Rusty is still my favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy (despite a chilling absence from homoerotic wrestling lately). But still, I’m going to place Brandon Bangs in my “guilty pleasure” category, because despite every reason I have to not be captivated by him, he’s got my attention.

And apropos of nothing, despite my whole-hearted endorsement of the degrading pony ride, unless the cowboys are seriously enjoying themselves, then I’d recommend that they give it a rest. It seems lately like someone has told DJ he has to ride his pony, and in his last two tag matches, DJ has woodenly taken the lead in saddling up and explaining the significance of tucking his cock halfway through the ride (“Let’s make it even harder on them” he says, like Ted Baxter reading a cue card). Just my opinion, of course, but I’m starting to join the chorus of those critiquing the “sex round” for being phoned in.

The Grudge

Speaking of getting bent across your opponent’s knee and spanked until your ass is raw, NakedKombat’s latest upload is a grudge match against tag team opponent’s DJ and Leo Forte.

On opposite sides of the mat, the team of DJ and my 2-time homoerotic wrestler of the month, Trent Diesel, teamed up against Leo and Cameron Adams just a couple of weeks ago. That match got heated, with some sweet heat generated between DJ and Leo, trash-talking and taking it personally. Leo and Cameron lost, and the humiliation doled out in round 4 included Leo being ridden like donkey by Trent’s stunning physique (damn, Rusty, you had better bring something soon!), and Cameron’s face shoved up DJ’s ass for days. I think DJ and Leo’s singles match may have actually been taped prior to the tag, but regardless, they continue to communicate quite convincingly that they seriously don’t like each other.

For fans of close calls, this match will delight. The match is gruelingly defensive, which isn’t particularly what I find most entertaining, but the fact that it’s so highly competitive and gritty from start to finish makes up for that.

If you’re desperate for suspense, don’t read further. But the most priceless moment, by far, comes when one of these wrestlers is officially named the loser.

Leo resents coming out on the bottom from start to finish in his sex round. He violates the concept of “winner gets to do what he wants with the loser” by bitching and moaning and resisting the entire time. Personally, I think by the time DJ drapes Leo across his knee and announces he’s going to spank him, I’m ready to see DJ disciplined for being such a sore loser.

DJ swats hard enough to make me flinch just a little. Leo is squirming and screaming (continuing the “…like a bitch…” theme). The loser is furious, full of resentment, teetering on the edge of getting up and walking away mad. And as DJ keeps swatting harder, he looks up at the camera with that half-stoned, heavy leaded gaze, and he grins.

Damn, that’s hot. Not everyone can pull off busting through the fourth wall. But DJ’s a champ on several counts here. For that sly, cocky moment, his gaze grabs hold of us, and an unspoken moment of shared pleasure in this moment of humiliating dominance passes between us. DJ continues to surprise me. He’s skinner and not quite as classically “handsome” as I tend to gravitate toward. Nonetheless, he’s got an awesome presence on the mat, and he’s got great instincts for homoerotic wrestling kink.

Movement in the Ranks

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I just saw one of the most entertaining Naked Kombat matches ever. The set up was golden to start with. Trent Diesel, who’s grabbing me by the balls lately and demanding my attention, teams up with DJ in a mat tag match against Cameron Adams and Leo Forte.

This match rocks me hard, simple as that. Trent and DJ are shredded and hotter than hell. Cameron and Leo are softer and command less fighting experience. I was sure from the intros that Cameron and Leo were headed into a one-sided beat down. I was so wrong.

Truth be told, I think the match wasn’t as close as the official score (55-53), but it was certainly highly competitive. I love the 2-on-1 “grace period” that NK allows when a tag happens, permitting the tagging team to double-team their opponent for a while before kicking the tagged out teammate off the mat. Both teams work the 2-on-1 aggressively. All four boys work their asses off and never say die. And best of all, they generate some serious heat, as egos are bruised and the entertainment turns to defending of pride. Leo in particular cannot STAND getting double-teamed, making it that much more delightful to watch when he’s on the bad end of it (and listen as DJ cackles with delight over Leo’s screams).

Leo’s telling the story of being Cameron (“the weakest link”) Adams’ coach. He’s barking instructions throughout whenever Cameron’s on the mat. And I think it makes a huge difference. Cameron looks like he doesn’t know which way is up quite a bit of the match, but he obeys Leo’s commands and more often than not works him way out of a fix. I was slightly astonished to watch DJ be the total top in his partnership with Trent. During their 2-on-1’s, DJ is snarling out instructions at Trent like a fierce daddy. Just to spoil the drama for you, when they come out on top and take command in the sex round, it’s DJ calling the shots and Trent seeming happy to take his lead.

The most astonishing thing about this match has got to be DJ. I’ve seen him on NK several times (including getting his ass handed to him by Trent), and I’ve liked his work. But in this tag match, he’s incredible! I swear, he holds his own nearly as well on the short end of a 2-on-1 as he does 1-on-1. He kills the double-team advantage for Leo and Cameron on more than one occasion, leaving them simply unable to capitalize on what should be a points bonanza. Frankly, he outwrestles Trent, though Trent on the paralyzed receiving end of Leo’s body scissors, then turning around a couple rounds later and returning the favor long and hard, is fantastically hot.

It’s DJ that makes the biggest jump in my estimation, coming from the unseeded masses to position himself as a serious contender to be one of my homoerotic wrestling favorites (pornboy division, of course). But truth be told, this match nudges Trent sufficiently upward (even if covering less absolute distance), to unseat my #1 contender homoerotic wrestling pornboy, Mitch Colby. Yes, for the first time since I started keeping track of the rankings, Mitch has been suplexed right out of the top two, leaving Rusty Stevens looking over his shoulder at a new #1 contender: the ridiculously hot, hard, gorgeous-with-a-dirtball-edge (in the very best way), Trent Diesel. Congratulations, Trent! Way to climb on top and pound the competition into submission!