I haven’t been writing much about it, but that doesn’t mean that my perverse (look it up, it doesn’t mean what you’re thinking) imagination keeps transporting icons and contenders of straightforward popular culture into a hardcore homoerotic wrestling universe. I keep waiting, with baited breath, for ABC to contrive the perfect scenario for muscleboy extraordinaire, Gio Benitez, to go shirtless and flex those luscious pecs. That moment will, I predict, drag my tired ass out of my sabbatical from writing in the Producer’s Ring series for a new installment in the News Boys.
Other hunks on the “pop” side of the news, however, have been stroking that portion of their audience hungry for beefcake, reminding me about some of the body beautiful boys who have starred in my homoerotic wrestling fantasies and, by all appearances, are staying in shape should their wrestling prowess come into question once again.
Zac Efron has been accused of looking too pretty. Too polished. I say that’s the perfect character to encounter a nasty ass heel who wants nothing but to eat pretty for lunch. That explains, I’m certain, the fictional homoerotic wrestling scenario I wrote starring the blue-eyed pretty boy, Zac, squaring off against Scottish sexpot James McAvoy in a gay bathhouse fight pit in my wrestling series Producer’s Ring. For those who haven’t read my Focus Group work, you may not know that I worship James McAvoy. I write him vicious and bloodthirsty and wrestling kinked like a sailor’s knot. Little wonder that he face-plants Zac’s mug into the mat, breaks his button nose, and then pistons off 2 massive cum shots across the babyface’s bloodied face. Holy fuck. Good times.
So the prettyboy is back in pop news starring in a (soon to be released? just out? straight to video?) comedy called Neighbors. He’s also showing his spankable prettyboy ass in a trailer for yet another movie called That Awkward Moment. There’s no denying the kid has put on muscle, and a little fur on the pecs makes me willing to look past the powder blue eyes and made-for(by)-Hollywood nose. But if I do ever come off of sabbatical for the Producer’s Ring, Zac is looking way, way too pretty to think he’ll fair any better in his sophomore match.
Another pop hunk object of my homoerotic wrestling lust, Jerry O’Connell has also been exposed in a new television series that, in the time it took me to write this post, has already been cancelled. This is a sadness, I think, because I could stare are Jerry’s speedo pouch for the duration of an 8-hour miniseries if given the opportunity. It was obsessing over him in Sliders, however, that propelled him to claw his way into the Producer’s Ring universe and find himself in a ring wrestling match full of surprises against another one of my raging obsessions from way back (yes, I’m talking Popular), Christopher Gorham.
Gorham, who’s also consistently showing skin (and a fucking insane 8-pack!) in Covert Affairs shows up to his match (in my imagination) with Jerry with a plan ready to orchestrate. It involves Jerry’s wife, his brother, and a hypnotically magical kiss (not to mention Christopher’s raging erection pressed against Jerry’s body as he milks out the last ounces of a body scissors submission).
Yep, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I have a one track mind, and I’m okay with that. Whether its my newsboys, my movie stars, or my television hunks, the ones that catch my attention are the ones that I can’t help but picture stripped down and oiled up for a homoerotic wrestling match!