Pop News Break

I haven’t been writing much about it, but that doesn’t mean that my perverse (look it up, it doesn’t mean what you’re thinking) imagination keeps transporting icons and contenders of straightforward popular culture into a hardcore homoerotic wrestling universe.  I keep waiting, with baited breath, for ABC to contrive the perfect scenario for muscleboy extraordinaire, Gio Benitez, to go shirtless and flex those luscious pecs. That moment will, I predict, drag my tired ass out of my sabbatical from writing in the Producer’s Ring series for a new installment in the News Boys.

ABC News needs to unleash this beast!

Other hunks on the “pop” side of the news, however, have been stroking that portion of their audience hungry for beefcake, reminding me about some of the body beautiful boys who have starred in my homoerotic wrestling fantasies and, by all appearances, are staying in shape should their wrestling prowess come into question once again.

Shut up and look pretty.

Zac Efron has been accused of looking too pretty. Too polished. I say that’s the perfect character to encounter a nasty ass heel who wants nothing but to eat pretty for lunch. That explains, I’m certain, the fictional homoerotic wrestling scenario I wrote starring the blue-eyed pretty boy, Zac, squaring off against Scottish sexpot James McAvoy in a gay bathhouse fight pit in my wrestling series Producer’s Ring. For those who haven’t read my Focus Group work, you may not know that I worship James McAvoy. I write him vicious and bloodthirsty and wrestling kinked like a sailor’s knot.  Little wonder that he face-plants Zac’s mug into the mat, breaks his button nose, and then pistons off 2 massive cum shots across the babyface’s bloodied face. Holy fuck. Good times.

zac efron nude that awkward moment
I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know (much less see the movie).

So the prettyboy is back in pop news starring in a (soon to be released? just out? straight to video?) comedy called Neighbors.  He’s also showing his spankable prettyboy ass in a trailer for yet another movie called That Awkward Moment.  There’s no denying the kid has put on muscle, and a little fur on the pecs makes me willing to look past the powder blue eyes and made-for(by)-Hollywood nose. But if I do ever come off of sabbatical for the Producer’s Ring, Zac is looking way, way too pretty to think he’ll fair any better in his sophomore match.

Jerry O'Connell shirtless we are men
Fat kid’s revenge: Jerry O’Connell sexes up the place.

Another pop hunk object of my homoerotic wrestling lust, Jerry O’Connell has also been exposed in a new television series that, in the time it took me to write this post, has already been cancelled.  This is a sadness, I think, because I could stare are Jerry’s speedo pouch for the duration of an 8-hour miniseries if given the opportunity. It was obsessing over him in Sliders, however, that propelled him to claw his way into the Producer’s Ring universe and find himself in a ring wrestling match full of surprises against  another one of my raging obsessions from way back (yes, I’m talking Popular), Christopher Gorham.

christopher gorham shirtless covert affairs
I’ve got dirty laundry that needs a washboard!

Gorham, who’s also consistently showing skin (and a fucking insane 8-pack!) in Covert Affairs shows up to his match (in my imagination) with Jerry with a plan ready to orchestrate. It involves Jerry’s wife, his brother, and a hypnotically magical kiss (not to mention Christopher’s raging erection pressed against Jerry’s body as he milks out the last ounces of a body scissors submission).

Yep, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  I have a one track mind, and I’m okay with that. Whether its my newsboys, my movie stars, or my television hunks, the ones that catch my attention are the ones that I can’t help but picture stripped down and oiled up for a homoerotic wrestling match!

I Saw Him First

I’m hopelessly behind the curve. You’d never say it, because you’re very generous, but my friends on this side of the computer screen are quick to point out that I’m notoriously late to ever spot a worthwhile trend. For example, I usually wait until a new TV show hits its second season before I decide to commit any serious time into checking it out (other than anything on HBO). I finally figure out who’s hot well after they’ve become passé.

That’s why seeing Christopher Gorham get a lot of attention for the hot little, nerdy hunk he is just makes me need to say: I was into Christopher Gorham way before you were. It was his gig on Popular around the turn of the century that made me think naughty thoughts about a fully mature actor who happened to play a high school kid.
Before he was in Ugly Betty, and ages before Covert Affairs, I was feeling some fantasy lust for Christopher. He earned his way into a fantasy wrestling match I wrote a while back, playing the surprise sadist determined to physically tame and sexually dominate Jerry O’Connell. Jerry had no idea what was in store for him, or what the stakes were.
I’ll probably jump ahead of a trend around the turn of the next century. In the meantime, don’t tell me that you were lusting after Christopher when he was a walk-on in Buffy. Just give me this one moment. Please.

Nerd Lust

Nerds frequently do it for me. Not all nerds, not all the time. But frequently. Squarehippies has a nice running feature on dorks, as in “Adorkable,” but I’m drawing a fine distinction here in saying 1) not all nerds are dorks, and 2) Squarehippies’ inclusion of Ryan Reynolds as a dork tells me that we must be talking about very, very different things.

I recently threw Christopher Gorham into a wrestling ring in my gay wrestling fiction. He’s a fantastically hot nerd who brought some surprisingly hot moves and attitude into his battle with Jerry O’Connell. The skinny nerd with glasses who can rip open his shirt and reveal an entirely lickable chest is guaranteed a recurring role in my imagination.
While I haven’t written this match up yet, I’m entranced by the tasty, nerdy combination of Elijah Wood and Daniel Radcliffe. Now that Daniel is 20 years old, my socially appropriate restraint in identifying him as an object of lust is officially unrestrained. Together with Elijah, they’re both gorgeously short, skinny, self-conscious nerds (have you seen either of them in an interview!?) who I’d like to see in a sincere throw down turned body worship.
Zachary Levi is borderline nerd, but worth the mention. He plays nerd nicely, but I suspect if you scratch the surface, you’d find a cocky face with more than a healthy self-esteem. I think that writing him into a wrestling match would offer an opportunity to see Zach’s true nature come out, and between you and me, I strongly suspect that nature could include some over confidence in need of a healthy dose of suffering.
Kal Penn is nearly too hip to be a nerd, but I include him anyway. He’s too busy helping the Obama administration undo a little of the damage done to the world from the previous administration, so I’m not expecting him to show up in a wrestling match anytime soon. But he’s clearly smart and sexy, and that’ll get you at least halfway to full on certification as a nerd with the key to my heart (and crotch).
Finally, this shot of Nicholas Lemons makes me just a little dizzy (in a good way). The nerd glasses on the hardbody with ink is so completely hot. Nicholas hardly qualifies as a nerd, but this particular look makes me feel just a little faint. It could be the cold I’m still recovering from, but I think it’s the hotness of Nicholas channeling his (very) inner nerd that’s rearranging my blood flow.