Bard’s Ass Gets Kicked (again)


At this very moment, I am once again getting my ass kicked.

Sadly, so sadly, it’s not the hot, erotic kind of ass-kicking. It’s the suffocate you with paperwork ass-kicking. It’s the kind of ass-kicking that comes from doing the same, tedious task over and over until you’re so limp you worry that you’ll never be able to get hard again. It’s the cold-ice down your pants kind of ass-kicking that leaves your testicles shrunken and your eyes watering.
I can think of many, many more ass-kickings I’d much rather be enduring right now.

Shaved for Your Pleasure

So let’s get this straight: I do not believe consistency is, necessarily, a virtue. I’m unashamed by self-contradiction. Take, for example, my obsession with hair pulling. Love it. Totally into it. Write it into just about every wrestling match I write. A nice, thick head of hair waiting to get yanked around is sweet in my book.

Then I go and find myself obsessing about wrestlers with shaved heads. Lon Dumont (I keep wanting to call him Lou, for some reason), got me careening down this path. I just saw him in his debut match for BG East, and I’m instantly a fan. He tells an awesome story, with a lot of smart banter. He sports genuine swagger. He has a fantastic whimper when he’s suffering. And when he’s in control, he’s brutal. But it’s that sweat-soaked scalp that’s sending me over the top. I must see more of this savage warrior!

Finding myself obsessing about Lon’s shaved head makes me take stock. I’m a fan of a lot of shaved heads in the ring, when I think about it. Kid Vicious has been looking beefier and balder in every new product he puts out for BG East. My desperate hope is that KV’s giving Lon some sadistic heel training behind the scenes, and someday we’ll see the both of them destroying and dominating helpless hunks side-by-side.
Can-Am classic, John Thor was a hairless musclegod built for worship. With a metabolism of a tit-mouse, he always worked up a dripping sweat instantly in the ring. And he was very generous with letting us admire every corner and crevice of his astonishing anatomy.
Mikey Vee was a handsome bastard with a full head of hair. Now that he’s shaving it, he’s metamorphosed into a fantastically sexy beast. Mikey will surely merit his own edition of “Bodies Over Time.” It doesn’t hurt, in my book, that his bold and beautiful ink has also been growing. But I’m sure it does hurt (a lot) to have that massive man clamp his python arms around your neck from behind and smile Zen-like as you pass out.
There are plenty of pros that could always capture me with their perfect pates. Tyson Tomko and Bobby Lashley pull off the shaved head masterfully.
So as much as I’m enamored with the moment when a hunk gets hoisted up by his long locks, I’m also entirely into shaved-heads as well these days. Life is a paradox. That’s what makes it interesting.