Wednesday’s Woes

Sure, “hump day” has a nice ring to it, but I know I’m not alone in enjoying taking time out in the middle of the week to appreciate the fine art that is a Tree of Woe. The ToW portrays such vulnerability, such anticipation, capturing so much back story and foreshadowing impending doom on the horizon…. just like most Wednesdays in my life.  Here are a few choice ToW’s to put the torture of Wednesday into homoerotic wrestling perspective.

New Pro Wrestling’s hunky Viper gets hung out to dry in a ToW in Irish Lads of the Ring 4.
BG East’s Cole Cassidy digs that elbow deep into the throbbing, massive bulge of sweaty, suffering stud Derek Da Silva in Cole’s Wrestler Spotlight.
Cocky goldenboy Austin Cooper strings lean fighting machine Eli Black up and uses him as a punching bag at Rock Hard Wrestling.
Austin seems to have a taste for making an opponent suffer in a ToW, because he does it yet again to bodybuilder beauty Lucas (aptly named) Payne at Rock Hard Wrestling.
But Austin learns that Karma’s a bitch when new hardbodied hottie Trent Novak dishes out a heaping helping of what Austin’s been serving to everyone else at Rock Hard Wrestling.
Ken Mason learns what’s worse than being stuck between a rock (Kid Leopard) and a hard place (Kid Vicious): being stuck there in a ToW in BG East’s Tag Team Torture 1.
BG East’s Kid Vicious has absolutely everything singlehandedly in hand when it comes to exploiting the vulnerable muscles of Jeff Jordan in a ToW in Demolition 2.
Rio Garza forcibly puts the breaks on the vicious heel tactics of Jobe Zander with an unapologetic crotch crushing ToW in Can-Am’s Rio’s Revenge.
Perhaps the very definition of a babyface beatdown, BG East’s Joe Mazetti kicks the crap out of an achingly young and beautiful Brad Rochelle in Hunkbash 6.
Did a Tree of Woe ever turn out so right as when painfully pretty Troy Baker defied the law and snapped those golden thighs around the head of The Sheriff in BG East’s Ringwars 8?!


Have you noticed how in Hollywood movies it’s a moral imperative to believe in the supernatural? I keep hearing the words, “I don’t believe in coincidences” in movies and on television lately. The implication seems to always be that there’s some divine hand moving the universe, lining up otherwise random events into non-coincidental patterns. Well, frankly, I do believe in coincidences. That army of monkeys will, indeed, one day hammer out the complete works of Shakespeare by sheer chance. I’m okay with that.  That’s not to suggest, however, that I don’t like musing on a notable coincidence when it falls in my lap.
Kid Leopard planting a Tree of Woe for Sean Cannon
in BG East’s Superbouts 2
Take, for instance, the third time in as many days that the “tree of woe” has come up in three entirely unrelated conversations I’ve been part of.  Three different homoerotic wrestling fans raised the topic of how hot the tree of woe scenario is. The only reason I really know much about it, as such, is from a series of comments on Rants, Roids & Rasslin’ a while back, in which folks were dissecting a panel from one of RR&R’s wrestling comics. “Tree of woe” is apparently the moniker for that precarious situation when a wrestler discovers himself hanging upside down from the corner turnbuckle, completely vulnerable to a humiliating and devastating attack.
BG East’s Brooklyn Bodywrecker exploiting an opponent’s vulnerability.
It seems to me that there’s more than just a little element of bondage, with the poor catcher’s ankles locked and laced underneath the supports tying the turnbuckle to the ring post. A knee to the gut, a boot to the face… the options appear to be endless. Yes, and hot…
Rock Hard Wrestling’s Lucas Payne lives up to his name in Austin Cooper’s
Tree of Woe

The position also offers an opportunity to see a hot muscle boy stretched out and in jeopardy. Hot strong bodies are the best subjects with which to construct a tree of woe, it seems to me. The mechanics probably work best with a strong, compact, relatively limber body. The aesthetics also work best that way, too, I think.

Cole Cassidy goes to work on Kevin Lee in BG’s Bad Boys

Accomplished master in the fine arts of sadistic ring punishment, Cole Cassidy made the most of bewildered Kevin Lee trapped in his tree of woe.

Cole uses those gorgeous muscles to crush Kevin’s head and midsection.

A bearhug and headscissors combination on Kevin illustrates some of the more creative opportunities that a tree of woe offers to an innovative heel.

Cole leans in real good, adding every ounce of leverage to crush Kevin’s balls.

Of course, any tree of woe that fails to include crotch torture is a waste. Cole is never, ever one to waste anything. A long, slow elbow driven crushing into Kevin’s balls softens him up.

Cole claws Kevin’s crotch and enjoys watching the agony.
Cole latching on a ball claw, with his freakishly fantastic forearms bulging like a cartoon superhero is incredibly erotic.
Cole’s boots and knees tenderize his suspended opponent.

And of course some nasty stomps to Kevin’s… well, to Kevin’s everything, shows why a tree of woe is a blank canvas in the hands of a true artist, at least when Cole is working his magic.

BG East’s Dante Rosetti (I think) uses his head.

I’m on the record many times over as completely partial to ring wrestling, and the tree of woe illustrates just one of the many reasons why ring wrestling cranks my kink harder than just about any other context. The opportunities to use the architecture, to capitalize on the structure, to exploit the parts of the ring that stretch as well as those that don’t, all contribute to making ring wrestling my wrestling kink of choice.

At long, long last, Rio Garza pays it back against Jobe Zander in
Can-Am’s Rio’s Revenge

So I completely believe that three different people raising the topic of the tree of woe in as many days is 100% coincidence. I’m sure it’s randomness, and I don’t feel the need to read into the coincidence some guiding, invisible hand that wants me to appreciate deeper the erotic potential of corner abuse. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t enjoy riding the tide and getting a kinked kick out of where it takes me.

Rock Hard Wrestling’s Trent Novak treats Austin Cooper to a Tree of Woe beatdown

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

Life is moving awfully fast for me lately, which I blame for eating up the time that I would typically spend posting more around neverland. It’s 99% exciting stuff, including some upcoming travel that I may have more to say about soon. But we’re 5 days into May and I still haven’t named a new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month. Damn! Some poor hunk is going to get shortchanged five days from his reign, but who will be the lucky/unlucky wrestler? Let’s see…

We’re between catalogs for BG East, which is probably good for everyone else, because the preview pics in the BG East Arena for the upcoming catalog is driving me insane (excuse me, both my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler – non-pornboy division and his #1 contender on the same DVD?!). In the quiet lull between BGE releases, therefore, some other contenders have more of a shot at the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month for appearing in releases that came out for the calendar month of April 2011. First up, I’ll toss a bevy of Thunder’s Arena wrestlers into the hat, including Sledge and BamBam for Bodybuilder Battle 28, Batar and Rambo No Holds Barred 8, and Sledge (yet again) and smoking hot Eric Fury for Bodybuilder Battle 27. Naked Kombat put up my #1 favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy, Trent Diesel, in a tag team battle (which is all an excellent formula for success in catching my eye!), and I’ll give all four competitors golden tickets to the finale this month, including Trent, DJ, Leo Forte, and Seth Green look-a-like (and surprisingly ferocious) Sebastian Keyes. I’m also giving a nod to NK’s Brenn Wyson and Jackson for their April 20th match (reviewed excellently by Joe), and I’m picking just Nikko Alexander from the April 27th oil match, because he’s a hot, hard, snarling thug hunk who works his ass off in a 2-on-1. I’m having trouble remembering when Rock Hard Wrestling releases came out (I wish they’d date them to make this easier on me!), but I believe that Cody Nelson and Jeff Hollister/Skip Vance get a nod for their recent match, and late in the month, we saw bodybuilder boy wonder, Lucas Payne back for his second RHW match, this time against newbie Trent Novak. Can-Am’s Double-Teamed dropped in April, with an initial look that makes me include Jobe Zander, Rio Garza, and Brenden Cage in the mix. Pro Tag 1 also had an April official release, for which I’ll toss in Rio again, along with Aryx Quinn, Donnie Drake and Cameron Mathews. And speaking of Mr. Mathews, he’s been a busy boy both in front of the camera and behind it, producing his own series marketed through Can-Am, for which I’ll give him several more nods, as well as a top shape Braden Charron in East Coast Mat Battle, and Aryx again for looking particularly tasty in what I’ve seen so far of East Coast Rope Battle.

So there are a lot of great looking hunks, hard working wrestling, and some perennial favorites who almost always have both “objective” and sentimental advantage when I’m doing the picking. But frankly, for raw entertainment and giving me something new that catches me off guard just a bit, I’m going with what I think of as an unconventional pick. Frankly, I think this is my first mention of this homoerotic wrestler ever, so clearly his stock is enjoying a remarkable spike in my rankings. But I’m just calling it like I see it, and this month, the homoerotic wrestler of the month that I see is…

…Rock Hard Wrestling’s Lucas Payne.
After Joe’s review of Lucas’ debut match against Austin Cooper, I have to say that I was luke warm on taking the plunge to check out Mr. Payne.  While Joe gives plenty of credit, everything that he points out as perennially missing from RHW matches leaves me looking elsewhere. A bodybuilder Lucas is a delight to worship, but that does not always translate into homoerotic wrestling gold. But something tweaked my fancy, and I whipped out my credit card and hunkered down for a concentrated introduction to what Lucas Payne and Trent Novak could do for me.
Turns out, more than I expected! The rookies are rookies, let’s face it. And they’re in the straight-end of the homoerotic wrestling pool, which means that those astonishingly tight trunks stay on and the story is all about aggression with none of the satisfying aftertaste of explicit sexual domination. So maybe my expectations were just so low that anything was going to catch me by surprise. Whatever. I was caught by surprise, and specifically, it was Lucas Payne’s mouth that did it for me.
It’s not the way that he sucks his lower lip as he concentrates on dishing out crushing punishment on fratboy Trent, though that is absolutely hot. It’s Lucas’ chatter on his feet that catches me by surprise and makes this match more than I expected. 
To be clear, this isn’t quite a squash, but it’s a squash’s 2nd cousin first removed. Lucas takes a little, but the story is about Trent’s destruction at the hands (and pecs, and thighs) of the bodybuilder boy wonder. What gets me here is that I quickly, honestly believe that Lucas is a punk bully with more muscles than he’s figured out what to do with yet. When he stomps repeatedly all around the perimeter of Trent’s body as the fratboy writhes and wails in pain, Lucas starts to mock him, making fun of his crying. Right there, that’s the moment! Lucas pisses me off with his completely unnecessary verbal humiliation as he’s completely crushing his opponent. Lucas is every overgrown bully that I’ve ever known and feared, delighting in physical domination but really reveling in psychological domination. I buy it. He’s a musclebound prick throwing his weight around, absolutely manhandling Trent and (figuratively) getting off on it. And for that moment of selling me a character I can relate to and feel something about, I’m completely a Lucas Payne fan now.
I don’t know if I’m explaining it well. Of course, his innocent baby face and mocha skin stretched taught over competition ready muscles doesn’t hurt his case (even the zit on his chin is somehow endearing). But I’m jonesin’ on Lucas for more than just that. Early in round 2, he traps Trent’s wrist overhead, behind the fratboy’s upper back, displaying Trent’s impressive physique generously. Trent writhes and sells the pain, stumbling as he tries to free himself, reaching for a rope. “You go where I say you go!” Lucas explains to him cooly. “That’s right, that’s right. Come on!!! Where’s the fight!?” he taunts him. “You go where I say you go…” Lucas repeats, spinning Trent around in a headlock and shoving him face first to the canvas. “… and you go DOWN!” he barks, proving his mastery of his opponent.
Lucas tells this story both physically and verbally throughout, and regular readers know that I’m a sucker for ring banter. He occasionally growls like a grizzly, which brings to mind spicy hints of Rusty Stevens. When Trent is riding a short-lived rally, hammerlocking Lucas’ right arm high up the middle of his back, Lucas refuses to give. “Let’s bring it up a little further! How does that feel!!” the fratboy demands of the bodybuilder boy wonder. Lucas, however, quickly powers out of his predicament and has Trent screaming again in a single-leg boston crab. “Let’s get it a little bit further,” Lucas mocks as he pulls Trent’s leg off the canvas farther. That’s storytelling I enjoy! Lucas reminds us that he’s not only back on the advantage, he’s dishing out paybacks for the fratboy’s earlier cockiness. 
There’s a lot that doesn’t surprise. For example, the RHW high definition production quality is as amazing as always. For another example, the boys don’t quite know how to transition from hold to hold, to build momentum with the wrestling itself. While they do seem to be nursing their holds a bit longer (thank you!), both Trent and Lucas pretty much always work a hold, and then inexplicably walk away, catch their breath, and then lock up for another hold (not sure how that makes much sense, other than that they just don’t know how to chain moves together, to respond rapidly and work reversals). But unlike most of the RHW wrestlers, Lucas has carved out in my imagination a character who is smart, sadistic, and amuses himself by mocking his writhing opponents as he crushes them with his bodybuilder boy wonder physique. Now, I wouldn’t mind seeing Lucas love his own body a little more explicitly (since in RHW, it seems like his opponents never will). I’d love to see him lord it over his screaming opponents, flexing in their faces, literally rubbing their noses in the sweaty crevice between his mountainous pecs. But that said, I love it when Lucas marvels at the power of his legs as Trent wails like a baby, trapped in a crippling body scissor. “Go ahead, try to fight,” Lucas offers. Then, with that lower lip sucked in adorably, he explains, “They call me ‘Thunder Thighs!'”
 Not me, though. I just call him Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month.