Wednesday’s Woes

Sure, “hump day” has a nice ring to it, but I know I’m not alone in enjoying taking time out in the middle of the week to appreciate the fine art that is a Tree of Woe. The ToW portrays such vulnerability, such anticipation, capturing so much back story and foreshadowing impending doom on the horizon…. just like most Wednesdays in my life.  Here are a few choice ToW’s to put the torture of Wednesday into homoerotic wrestling perspective.

New Pro Wrestling’s hunky Viper gets hung out to dry in a ToW in Irish Lads of the Ring 4.
BG East’s Cole Cassidy digs that elbow deep into the throbbing, massive bulge of sweaty, suffering stud Derek Da Silva in Cole’s Wrestler Spotlight.
Cocky goldenboy Austin Cooper strings lean fighting machine Eli Black up and uses him as a punching bag at Rock Hard Wrestling.
Austin seems to have a taste for making an opponent suffer in a ToW, because he does it yet again to bodybuilder beauty Lucas (aptly named) Payne at Rock Hard Wrestling.
But Austin learns that Karma’s a bitch when new hardbodied hottie Trent Novak dishes out a heaping helping of what Austin’s been serving to everyone else at Rock Hard Wrestling.
Ken Mason learns what’s worse than being stuck between a rock (Kid Leopard) and a hard place (Kid Vicious): being stuck there in a ToW in BG East’s Tag Team Torture 1.
BG East’s Kid Vicious has absolutely everything singlehandedly in hand when it comes to exploiting the vulnerable muscles of Jeff Jordan in a ToW in Demolition 2.
Rio Garza forcibly puts the breaks on the vicious heel tactics of Jobe Zander with an unapologetic crotch crushing ToW in Can-Am’s Rio’s Revenge.
Perhaps the very definition of a babyface beatdown, BG East’s Joe Mazetti kicks the crap out of an achingly young and beautiful Brad Rochelle in Hunkbash 6.
Did a Tree of Woe ever turn out so right as when painfully pretty Troy Baker defied the law and snapped those golden thighs around the head of The Sheriff in BG East’s Ringwars 8?!

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month Interview

Cage Thunder had a quick reply to my announcement that he’s one of the co-owners of my title of homoerotic wrestler of the month: “About fucking time!”  Building from that endearing exchange, I managed to get the legendary heel to agree to answer some questions on the occasion of his reign.

Cage Thunder
Bard: Congratulations on earning the homoerotic wrestler of the month title! Masked Mayhem 9 is incredibly sexy! What was it like for you teaming with Lightning Rod for your 2-on-1 destruction of that hunky little Stinger?

Cage Thunder: It’s about fucking time. What’s wrong with you, anyway? You’ve figured out who my tag partner was—so you can imagine what an honor it was to be teamed with one of my wrestling idols—I can be just as big of a fan-boy as anyone! (laughs) And we definitely had chemistry in the ring…as you can tell from the video and from the stills, my dick was hard from the get go. I hope we can team up again… I’m certainly up for it, although I’m so attracted to him it’s hard for me to focus!

Bard: Consider the delay in your ascendency to the title as evidence of my lapse of judgment! So, categories often fail to fully capture the scope and depth of an artist’s work, so when I call you a “heel,” it feels awfully inadequate. How do you describe your body of work as a wrestler?

Cage Thunder: Sexual heeling (laughing)? I kind of like “lord of the ring” or “ringmaster.” 

Bard: (laughing) All three of those work for me!  Speaking of bodies, you always look incredible! You’ve clearly crafted a body built for destruction. For any aspiring masked heels out there, do you have any tips for physical conditioning for ring domination?

Adding up to HOT!

Cage Thunder: I do, don’t I?  I put a lot of work into my body. But fitness is more than weight-lifting, which so many people forget. It’s also flexibility and endurance. I fucking hate doing cardio, but it’s a necessary evil. I’ve always been really flexible, so stretching is something I do pretty regularly.  I have to give some credit to my genetics. I put on size really easily, and I also have a huge rib cage with a narrow pelvic bone, which results in me having a ridiculously small waist. Even at my heaviest and most out of shape, my waist size has never gone above 32-33; at my most lean I was a 28. I think I look best when I’m at a 31, frankly—smaller is too lean.  I’ve wanted to get up to 200 pounds for quite some time, but was reluctant to gain weight for a very long time. Thank to some injuries and teaching myself how to cook Louisiana cuisine, I did get really heavy for a while, but am leaning down now. My muscles are a lot bigger—and my goal is to get down to about 200-205 with a 31-32 waist. Right now I’m at 212 with a 32-33. 

Bard: Mmmm, numbers are hot! Whatever the calculus, it’s all adding up to one hot body! Do you have any mentors in the craft of brutal wrestling domination? What are some lessons you’ve learned from them?

Cage Thunder: Kid Leopard. The man has forgotten more about wrestling than I’ll ever know. I was already sort of a heel when I came to BGEast, but his mentoring, advice, and experience helped me develop into the wrestler I am now. There have been some amazing heels at BGEast over the years—the Brooklyn Bodywrecker; Clint Morgan; Cruz; Jose; The Enforcer; Shane McCall come to mind off the top of my head—all of whom are/were masters of the ring. I’ve learned from watching them, too. There’s nothing like watching a master heel just take some screaming muscle boy apart, is there? I’ve actually wrestled the Bodywrecker privately—that was a LOT of fun, and I learned a lot. I really enjoy wrestling other heels, frankly—there’s nothing hotter than a heel v. heel match to see who’s the bigger bad ass.

Bard: A private match with BBW?! Talk about a clash of the titans! That sounds seriously hot!  I’ve got a thing for hunks who wrestle in masks. You’re a perfect case in point: you’ve got a smokin’ sexy body, but damn it all if that mask doesn’t multiple my arousal a dozen times over. Other than turning on guys like me, is there anything else behind your choice to wrestle in a mask?

Pink Puma never stood a chance!

Cage Thunder:  I’d already been doing some wrestling as a heel, but the mask completed the package. Again, it was the Boss’ idea, and I really took to it, frankly. I’d never really given it much of a thought before—despite living in a city that’s all about masking! Now, I fucking love it. I’ve done some private matches where all I wear is the mask…and unmasking your opponent? HOT.

Bard: Hot, indeed!  And speaking of heat, you’ve laid down some withering trash talk on the pages of this blog for one of my long-standing all-time favorite homoerotic wrestlers, Mitch Colby. What’s with the heat over hot, hunky Mitch? Is there a backstory there?

Cage Thunder: Listen at yourself—‘hot hunky Mitch.’ Excuse me for a second while I lose my lunch. I just flat out don’t like him—I’ve never liked guys like him; arrogant and think their looks somehow make them better than everyone else. I’d like to tie him up in the ropes and just pound on him for a few hours, you know, beat some fucking humility into the arrogant bitch—not that it would do any good. And hoist him up into a torture rack and make him scream like the bitch he is…strip his trunks off him and shove them into his mouth while I claw his pecs so his screams of agony are muffled…sleeper him until he’s almost out, then let up so I can torture him some more…I want to see how much those abs he’s so fucking proud of can handle. I bet he’d be begging me to stop within five minutes of the bell ringing. (laughs) If the stupid bitch even lasted that long…

What did Mitch Colby ever do to earn such ire!

Bard: Well, I for one never, ever get tired of seeing Mitch in action. I’ll continue to lobby for that match to happen! So let’s say you just climbed into the ring. You don’t know who your opponent is – never heard of him, never seen him before. He comes sprinting out of the locker room, hops the top rope inside the ring, and stands bouncing on the balls of his feet in the opposite corner from you. He’s your picture-perfect opponent. Describe him.

Cage Thunder: You know, I don’t really have a ‘type,’ per se. I’ve been accused of being a body fascist more times than I can count, but it’s not true. I like big guys, I like small guys, I like lean guys, I like bears—I like all different types, really—and at BGEast I’ve had a broad range of body types to wrestle; from little guys like Boyd Hicks and Kid Karisma to pretty muscleboys like Goldenrod (what a fucking poseur he was!) to big guys like Alexi Adamov and Drew Russell. I’ve always had a thing for classic heels, like Stan Hansen and Arn Anderson, but I also like the lean muscle studs like Kevin Von Erich and Randy Orton…. Oh! I know who—Ryan Kwanten from “True Blood.” Put him in some skimpy white trunks, white leather knee-high lace up boots, some white kneepads…oh HELL yeah. He’s my current fantasy opponent. You want to write that one up?

Let’s get Ryan Kwanten suited up and in the ring with Cage Thunder NOW!

Bard: I’ll get right on that, as soon as I can manage to somehow zip up my pants! The image of Ryan as a white knight staring you down across the ring is going to distract me for days! Mmm, mmm, mmm! Okay, so name names! Who’s posed the toughest challenge to you at BGE? Who’s the sexiest opponent you’ve faced? Who (other than Mitch) would you still love to get your hands on?

Cage Thunder: I would have to say the toughest challenge I’ve had at BGEast (in matches released thus far) would have to be Alexi Adamov. We didn’t do a one-on-one match; we were on opposite sides of a tag match. I’ll give him some props—he put me through the ringer; an amazing display of back torture, hold after hold after hold. When I watched the match later I was like, “damn!” He made me submit, and then we had to face each other again to open the next round, and he almost finished me off once and for all—Max came to my rescue—and while I did get in the ring with him a few more times during the match and just beat the holy hell out of him, I’ve always wondered how a singles match would turn out between us. I mean, I know I’d beat him—he doesn’t seem to ever be able to close out a match—but I think we’d have a good fight—probably would be a classic.

Sweaty, sexy Alexi put Cage Thunder through the ringer!

Bard: Fascinating! I’d never have guessed that Alexi would be the first name out of your mouth! He’s so damn pretty, it’s easy to forget that he’s one big, tough son of a bitch as well! What about sexiest?

Cage Thunder: All of my opponents at BGEast were sexy, no question about that. I’d say the sexiest wrestler I’ve ever been in the ring with is undoubtedly Lightning Rod. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Sensuality just fucking oozes out of his pores…he’s one of those men you KNOW would be the best fuck you’ve ever had, the kind that would inspire me to all kinds of sexual depravity…I’d like to be locked in a motel room with him for a weekend. FUCK.

Bard: No argument from me there!

Cage Thunder: I also have to give props to Boyd Hicks. I don’t know what it was about him, but the minute I laid eyes on him my cock get hard, and it stayed hard all the way through the match. We had chemistry, for sure. We’re supposed to get together for a private match the next time I’m over there, and I’m really looking forward to it.  Kid Karisma has one of the most gorgeous asses I’ve ever seen, and Punk Puma was a sexy boy, too. Damn, I’ve wrestled some hot guys! 

“…one of the most gorgeous asses I’ve ever seen…”

Bard: I’ve toyed with the idea of creating a title for most gorgeous wrestling ass on the planet, which would obviously belong for all eternity to Kid K! And Pink Puma is another long, long, long-standing crush of mine. So who else would you like to face?

Cage Thunder: Let’s see, who at BGEast would I like to wrestle that I haven’t? I’ve got a thing for Jake Jenkins and Austin Cooper—they are pretty boys; maybe Lightning Rod and I could do a tag match with them on the other side of the ring. Joe Robbins. Braden Charren. I’ve always wanted to wrestle Chris Bruce. Denny Cartier—holy Christ, that one! Patrick Donovan would be fun in the ring, I think. Oh, man, how could I forget the Enforcer? A ring war to see who the real masked stud of BGEast is? Talk about Masked Mayhem! Chase LaChance has also beefed up real nice.  But really, I’d be willing to take on anyone on the roster, past or present.

Bard: That doesn’t surprise me. You certainly wrestle like you’ve never met an opponent you aren’t thrilled to crush! You blogged recently about your early wrestling career in which you weren’t quite the unstoppable brutalizer that you are these days. You describe how it can feel to get seriously worked over by a dominating opponent. I quote you here, when you say, “Fuck you pussy – it feels good.” Where do you think the connection comes from between dishing out or taking punishment in the ring and getting turned on?

Cage Thunder: (laughing) As I said earlier, I’m pretty flexible, so I can be stretched a lot further than just about anyone. Usually guys are screaming out a submission long before they get stretched out as far as I can go. The great irony is that I am SO flexible that I can’t really stretch myself as far as I need to be stretched on my own; I need someone else to stretch me. So when someone, you know, puts me into a banana split or a Boston crab, it DOES feel good—the stretch feels incredible to me because I can’t stretch myself like that on my own.  But that’s not really what you asked, was it? It’s really a primal, masculine thing. When you’re dominating another man, you’re proving yourself to be the better animal. And its arousing—very much so. In wrestling, your body is your weapon, and you’re proving your body is better, you’re stronger, more dominant, more masculine…how can your cock NOT get hard?

Bard: I’m the last person to have an answer to that question!

Cage Thunder: And the flip side of domination is submission, which is also arousing. Is there anything sexier than a dominant man, who can control you, of being completely at his mercy? It’s also really sexy to test your own limits, see how much you can take. My profile on Globalfight sums it up: “Beat me or prepare to be beaten.” I love being beaten, dominated…but you have to earn it; I’m not going to just roll over and let you have your way with me. Fuck that. Beat me or be beaten…and if you don’t beat me, be prepared, because I will fucking beat you down and humiliate you, you will be my bitch when I am finished with you—and I’ll decide when you’re finished. I ask for no quarter, and I give none.

Bard: Damn.  Um, yeah. Damn! You’ve said it better than I’ve ever heard it said before! You consistently deliver some of the sexiest, most erotic wrestling content being produced, as far as I’m concerned. What do you think about the state of the homoerotic wrestling industry these days? Where do you see it heading in the next 10 years? Who are the rookies you see in the business who you think could have staying power over the long-haul?

Cage Thunder: I don’t really pay all that much attention to other companies, frankly. I’ve been accused of being a BGEast shill with my blog, which is bullshit. I write about BGEast matches and wrestlers because they’re the ones that turn my crank the hardest. I do buy some stuff from Rock Hard from time to time; they have some beautiful boys wrestling for them—some of them have come over to BGEast, in fact. I wish that Lucas Payne would…I’d love to get in the ring with him. He’s a sexy fuck, and he’s talented.

Lucas Payne: “…a sexy fuck, and he’s talented.”

Bard: Ah, Lucas Payne! Another homoerotic wrestler of the month! The idea of him bringing what he’ got and BG East doing with it what it does… wow!

Cage Thunder: I hate the companies that pretend their audience isn’t gay men. Get a grip, bitches. Straight men and women aren’t buying your goddamned product; they can watch WWE on pay-per–view or basic cable. I think it’s homophobic, frankly. BGEast is not ashamed of their audience and they say so, right up front: “gay interest wrestling videos.” I won’t give my money to a company that’s ashamed of why I’m buying their product. It’s my porn, and always has been. A match doesn’t have to wind up erotic for me to enjoy it, but if there’s a physical erotic connection with my opponent I’m not going to push him away and say, “Oh, no, I just wrestle.” I prefer my opponents be in decent shape, if for no other reason than I want the match to last a while; I don’t want to get all suited up and then have him poop out after ten minutes.

Bard: I hear you! And I completely agree about never-say-gay gay wrestling as homophobic. I’d pay a whole lot more attention to other companies if they came out of the closet!

Cage Thunder: I don’t really know about the business end of the business; but I assume as with everything, it’s taken a hit with the economy. And I know piracy is a major issue. I don’t know why these douchebags think it’s okay to steal; calling it piracy doesn’t make it hip and cool, because it’s still fucking stealing. If you came into my house and stole one of my DVD’s, how is that different from downloading it for free from some motherfucking asshole’s free site? And even if the motherfucker who put it up paid for it to begin with, you’re not buying the right to distribute it to the entire world for free. It’s theft, and it should be called what it is. The music industry put a stop to that shit.

Bard: The boys at BG East talked about this quite a bit when I visited there last year. They clearly see it is a real threat to the viability of the industry, not to mention their company. Any thoughts about where the industry is heading?

Cage Thunder: I can’t predict what the industry will be ten years from now because I can’t foresee how technology is going to change and develop. Ten years ago I would have never dreamed of digital downloads or even DVD’s, for that matter. (I do NOT miss videotape.)

Bard: Neither do I. Blue balls waiting to rewind, stop, and start to find the choice piece of action were horrible!

Cage Thunder has respect for Z-Man

Cage Thunder: As for what newcomers have staying power, I’d say that Austin Cooper, Kid Karisma, Jake Jenkins, and Z-Man will be stars for as long as they want to be. Z-Man gets a lot of shit—I’ve seen some really awful smack talked about him on-line, but he’s got a great body and he has talent. The stuff he’s done for BGEast has really started tapping his potential, and there’s even more there. Kid Karisma is just a stud. I really like Morgan Cruise, too—he’s impressed the hell out of me, as has Diego Diaz. And Joe Robbins—I hope he sticks around for a while. The Boss always seems to come up with amazing new talent. 

Bard: I admit that I’m guilty of having given Z-Man my fair share of that shit. I’m also happy to say that I’ve completely turned the corner since he’s been working with BG East. And every one of the guys you mention are absolutely golden in my book!

Cage Thunder: And I’m not ready to hung up my trunks just yet.

Bard: (laughing) That’s fantastic news! I’m looking forward to seeing more of your potent brand of homoerotic wrestling entertainment! You’re a class act, and I’m grateful for this chance to get to know more of the man behind the mask!

Cage Thunder hasn’t hung up his trunks just yet!


Have you noticed how in Hollywood movies it’s a moral imperative to believe in the supernatural? I keep hearing the words, “I don’t believe in coincidences” in movies and on television lately. The implication seems to always be that there’s some divine hand moving the universe, lining up otherwise random events into non-coincidental patterns. Well, frankly, I do believe in coincidences. That army of monkeys will, indeed, one day hammer out the complete works of Shakespeare by sheer chance. I’m okay with that.  That’s not to suggest, however, that I don’t like musing on a notable coincidence when it falls in my lap.
Kid Leopard planting a Tree of Woe for Sean Cannon
in BG East’s Superbouts 2
Take, for instance, the third time in as many days that the “tree of woe” has come up in three entirely unrelated conversations I’ve been part of.  Three different homoerotic wrestling fans raised the topic of how hot the tree of woe scenario is. The only reason I really know much about it, as such, is from a series of comments on Rants, Roids & Rasslin’ a while back, in which folks were dissecting a panel from one of RR&R’s wrestling comics. “Tree of woe” is apparently the moniker for that precarious situation when a wrestler discovers himself hanging upside down from the corner turnbuckle, completely vulnerable to a humiliating and devastating attack.
BG East’s Brooklyn Bodywrecker exploiting an opponent’s vulnerability.
It seems to me that there’s more than just a little element of bondage, with the poor catcher’s ankles locked and laced underneath the supports tying the turnbuckle to the ring post. A knee to the gut, a boot to the face… the options appear to be endless. Yes, and hot…
Rock Hard Wrestling’s Lucas Payne lives up to his name in Austin Cooper’s
Tree of Woe

The position also offers an opportunity to see a hot muscle boy stretched out and in jeopardy. Hot strong bodies are the best subjects with which to construct a tree of woe, it seems to me. The mechanics probably work best with a strong, compact, relatively limber body. The aesthetics also work best that way, too, I think.

Cole Cassidy goes to work on Kevin Lee in BG’s Bad Boys

Accomplished master in the fine arts of sadistic ring punishment, Cole Cassidy made the most of bewildered Kevin Lee trapped in his tree of woe.

Cole uses those gorgeous muscles to crush Kevin’s head and midsection.

A bearhug and headscissors combination on Kevin illustrates some of the more creative opportunities that a tree of woe offers to an innovative heel.

Cole leans in real good, adding every ounce of leverage to crush Kevin’s balls.

Of course, any tree of woe that fails to include crotch torture is a waste. Cole is never, ever one to waste anything. A long, slow elbow driven crushing into Kevin’s balls softens him up.

Cole claws Kevin’s crotch and enjoys watching the agony.
Cole latching on a ball claw, with his freakishly fantastic forearms bulging like a cartoon superhero is incredibly erotic.
Cole’s boots and knees tenderize his suspended opponent.

And of course some nasty stomps to Kevin’s… well, to Kevin’s everything, shows why a tree of woe is a blank canvas in the hands of a true artist, at least when Cole is working his magic.

BG East’s Dante Rosetti (I think) uses his head.

I’m on the record many times over as completely partial to ring wrestling, and the tree of woe illustrates just one of the many reasons why ring wrestling cranks my kink harder than just about any other context. The opportunities to use the architecture, to capitalize on the structure, to exploit the parts of the ring that stretch as well as those that don’t, all contribute to making ring wrestling my wrestling kink of choice.

At long, long last, Rio Garza pays it back against Jobe Zander in
Can-Am’s Rio’s Revenge

So I completely believe that three different people raising the topic of the tree of woe in as many days is 100% coincidence. I’m sure it’s randomness, and I don’t feel the need to read into the coincidence some guiding, invisible hand that wants me to appreciate deeper the erotic potential of corner abuse. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t enjoy riding the tide and getting a kinked kick out of where it takes me.

Rock Hard Wrestling’s Trent Novak treats Austin Cooper to a Tree of Woe beatdown

Colliding Assets

Rock Hard Wrestling’s newest release features a battle between two of my former homoerotic wrestlers of the month: Jake Jenkins and Lucas Payne. Both Jake and Lucas wrestled their way to the top of the ranks in their respective months by turning me on with their gorgeous bodies, snarling cockiness, and highly skilled salesmanship in the ring. Bodybuilder Lucas got my nod back in the beginning of May thanks in large part to his ability to paint such a vivid character with his knack for mocking his suffering opponent and growling like a grizzly. Muscle stud Jake hip-tossed the competition out of the way two months later with his seriously entertaining and hot wrestling savvy that was totally unexpected for such a green rookie.

With two such great tastes climbing into the ring together, this was bound to make me happy. I’m thrilled to report that I’m deeply satisfied with the result! Both Lucas and Jake bring the best of what they do to this match. They’re both jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Lucas growls and humiliates like a nasty bully with a serious delight for domination. Jake tosses, pounds, flies, and works that hot muscle ass of his off from start to finish. It’s a relatively quick bout, but it has a whole lot of the elements that get me off, including that famously astounding camera work that RHW does better than just about anyone, taking you so close to the action that you can just about smell the sweat beading up in the deep crevice between Jake’s pecs as he applies grunting, crushing body scissors on a desperately thrashing Lucas.

The premise for the match plays right into what these boys do best, even if it may be a tad predictable. Jake is “Mr. Skills,” calling out Lucas, who is lifting his “baby weights” at ringside, as being nothing but a bodybuilder pretending to be a wrestler. Skill versus power, big versus little, cocky muscle hunk versus cocky muscle hunk, with bragging rights that much more important for these two young, built, and testosterone-fueled bucks. Side by side you might think that it’d be a stretch to sell Jake as ready to stand toe-to-toe with such a big, beautiful bodybuilder. Jake is giving up a reported 3 inches in height (looks like more), and 15 pounds in weight (again, looks like more). But Jake is fucking fast and furious, and I wouldn’t doubt for a second that any encounter between these two boys would be seriously competitive. When “little” Jake snaps on a full nelson and locks his knees around Lucas’ incredibly narrow waist, clamped across Lucas’ back like a tick, the big bodybuilder’s voice sounds sincerely pissed and frustrated as he does his futile best to dislodge his opponent. “Get off me!”

I’ve lobbed armchair criticisms at RHW in the past for any number of weaknesses, but this match seems like solid wrestling entertainment to me. The holds continue to be too brief, each advantage milked simply too little to fully believe that these guys have quite a passionate lust for domination. But the range of the action is hot as hell. Lucas’ repeatedly digs his claw into Jake’s luscious pec, even while the bodybuilder is crushing the air out of Jake’s lungs with his pride and joy “thunder thighs” squeezing out his fantastically enviable bodyscissors (I’d trade places with Jake in a heartbeat if Lucas promised not to let go of those scissors until I screamed). Jake’s ability to toss, slam, and have his way with his bodybuilder opponent makes me gasp in awe and count up the abundance of evidence that Jake’s had a wrestling resume long before we first saw him at RHW. The sight of Lucas pulling Jake off his feet in a string of bearhugs (including a beautifully suggestive rear bearhug that REQUIRED me pushing pause, rewind, play, pause, rewind, and play) is profoundly arousing. I found it dizzyingly hot to watch the big hunk with those massively thick arms squeeze the pint-sized dynamo and thrash him back and forth, as Jake’s arms and legs fly about like a rag doll in my terrier’s mouth.

Like I said, I’m loving the range of action that these boys deliver in this match. There aren’t many examples of holds chained together like the veterans do so pleasingly, but both wrestlers mix it up with blows, strength moves, throws, slams, and joint work. Jake uses three out of four corners to launch his increasingly deep arial arsenal. Lucas bounds off the ropes on all four sides of the ring in all-in sprints, and I was powerfully entertained to see the bodybuilder choking his smaller opponent in the middle rope in round 2. They cover the geography of the ring well. They spend good time on their feet, in the ropes, in the corners, in the air (particularly Jake), and on the mat. They demonstrate both speed and power, and between nicely sold strikes and some crafty camera work, I found very little to break my suspension of disbelief that these two rock hard hunks were punishing the hell out of each other.

It’s a rare thing to see two of my favorites go toe-to-toe, and it simply demands comparison not only in the sense of competitive combat (as in which wrestling hunk is going to come out on top), but also in the sense of competing for my loyalties as the cream of the crop. Which homoerotic wrestler of the month alum comes out on top in commanding my lust, when the two display their assets one-on-one for 16 minutes of high quality wrestling entertainment? Neither of these beautiful boys are losers, by any means, and I hope that we see more of both of them, building on their ring presence and wrestling skills and continuing to thrill with the cocky characters that they’ve both impressively established.

But as mouthwatering as it is to watch Lucas work up a sweat, it’s Jake that sells me hardest and most pleasingly. Lucas pulls his weight, no doubt, particularly with selling the delightful sight of a cocky bodybuilder suffering. But Jake’s delivery of the “little man” who’s in control, out-moving, out-maneuvering, and yes, even out-powering his bigger opponent is just the tastiest treat on the menu. Jake simply works harder and sells every second one step more convincingly and entertainingly. He holds the initiative for about 2/3rds of the match, and although that demands a whole lot of exquisite suffering from Lucas, it impresses me and arouses me even more to see Jake maintain the energy and momentum with a steady stream of beautifully paced, skillfully delivered, commandingly executed wrestling entertainment.

Keep up the excellent work, boys!


Reader Rob Sherborne (who I suppose is probably not this guy, but it’s who I picture associated with that name) gets the second Connect the Dots Award within the past week here at neverland, for turning me on (well, that ship had already sailed) to the AKA of Rock Hard Wrestling’s (and a my former homoerotic wrestler of the month) Lucas Payne. Seems young slab of beef Lucas also goes by Kasey “Colossal” Rolow.

Young Lucas Payne caught my eye and grabbed hold of my title as April’s homoerotic wrestler of the month for many reasons: that body… the way he nibbles his lower lip in concentration as he rips apart his opponent… that body… his cocky swagger… that body…. But honestly, it’s that mouth of his that earned him top honors from the new release list in April.

Lucas does not strike me as a professional wrestler first and foremost. He lacks polish and a ring strategy. He doesn’t really press an advantage. But Lucas brings what can make or break a homoerotic wrestling offering in my book: attitude. That smart-ass mouth of his tells a story so sweet it makes my mouth water. He taunts and belittles. He mocks his opponent whenever the poor sucker can’t help but cry out in agony. He occasionally growls one of those primal, beastly growls that makes my knees buckle. No kidding, that body is nothing but gorgeous (have I mentioned his body already?). But I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s that cocky, smart-ass mouth of his that I find the sexiest asset hunky Lucas has with him as he steps into the ring.

I haven’t paid the membership fee for Kasey’s personal worship site, but the preview pics available make me think that he comes by the cocky, quick-witted, smart-ass attitude without too much effort. His shirtless muscle shots show him to be the genetic marvel that he clearly is, with more than a hint of a supremely confident young stud who knows he can afford to ham it up and look silly, because he’s drop dead gorgeous and can snap most anyone like a twig if need be. I hope the homoerotic wrestling world has more Lucas entertainment ahead for us.

Damn. Damn-damn-damn!
Thanks so much for the very hot tip, Rob!

Reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month, Lucas Payne, has a lot going for him. His body wears me out just looking at him. Everything is notable… the thick pecs, the gorgeously shaped arms, his self-named “thunder thighs” (which I think had an entirely different connotation about 20 years ago), that stunningly tight muscle ass.

But I’m surprisingly drawn to his upper back as I marvel at young Mr. Payne. He has a beautiful medallion tattoo right between his shoulder blades. I struggled for way too long to try to snag a decent close-up of it to feature him in this week’s Name That Tat quiz, but I never quite caught the right view, damn it. Even more captivating for me, however is the width of his astonishingly wide lats. There’s just something about those proportions that screams for you to (try to) wrap your arms all the way around the astounding thickness packed across his upper torso… the lats, the boulder-size shoulders, and those mountainous pecs all ringing his torso like a suit of armor.

Lucas got my nod for homoerotic wrestler of the month primarily on attitude, not that the body hurt his chances any. I like rookies who make a big impression on me, so Mr. Payne was destined to be in the running for some kind of accolades sooner or later from me.

I went into some detail about his newest release (and his first victory) for RHW against Trent Novack, and I just spent some time enjoying his debut match against Austin Cooper. I won’t belabor the full assessment of Payne going down to Cooper, because I tend to consider Joe and Ringside at Skull Island’s reviews the definitive word as a rule. I will say that I love Lucas’ delivery of abuse in the corners, and I’m weak in the knees to see him on the receiving end of humiliating torture captured in the ropes. Love a big, beautiful muscle man taking punishment trapped in the ropes…

The veins popping out across his shoulders as he threatens to snap Austin in half in a fall 1 winning over-the-knee backbreaker is also made-to-order for my particular kinks. It’s certainly not the case that Lucas Payne has “arrived.” He could do so much more with all those muscles, all that attitude, and all that athleticism. Frankly, however, potential can turn me on, as well. I’d love to watch him develop even more ring presence. It’d be fantastic to watch a big, hard young buck like that take his knocks, learn the ropes, and really command a plot in the ring against some savvy competition.

But it’s an excellent start to a story, with all the raw elements to grab my attention, hold my attention, and keep me watching, wanting more, anticipating what the future could hold for a gorgeous, snarling, bodybuilder breaking into homoerotic wrestling. There are a whole lot of fly-bys in the business, so I won’t be surprised if he quickly fades into obscurity. But for simply entertaining me like few rookies of his experience ever do, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that he hangs around long enough for some character development to occur.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

Life is moving awfully fast for me lately, which I blame for eating up the time that I would typically spend posting more around neverland. It’s 99% exciting stuff, including some upcoming travel that I may have more to say about soon. But we’re 5 days into May and I still haven’t named a new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month. Damn! Some poor hunk is going to get shortchanged five days from his reign, but who will be the lucky/unlucky wrestler? Let’s see…

We’re between catalogs for BG East, which is probably good for everyone else, because the preview pics in the BG East Arena for the upcoming catalog is driving me insane (excuse me, both my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler – non-pornboy division and his #1 contender on the same DVD?!). In the quiet lull between BGE releases, therefore, some other contenders have more of a shot at the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month for appearing in releases that came out for the calendar month of April 2011. First up, I’ll toss a bevy of Thunder’s Arena wrestlers into the hat, including Sledge and BamBam for Bodybuilder Battle 28, Batar and Rambo No Holds Barred 8, and Sledge (yet again) and smoking hot Eric Fury for Bodybuilder Battle 27. Naked Kombat put up my #1 favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy, Trent Diesel, in a tag team battle (which is all an excellent formula for success in catching my eye!), and I’ll give all four competitors golden tickets to the finale this month, including Trent, DJ, Leo Forte, and Seth Green look-a-like (and surprisingly ferocious) Sebastian Keyes. I’m also giving a nod to NK’s Brenn Wyson and Jackson for their April 20th match (reviewed excellently by Joe), and I’m picking just Nikko Alexander from the April 27th oil match, because he’s a hot, hard, snarling thug hunk who works his ass off in a 2-on-1. I’m having trouble remembering when Rock Hard Wrestling releases came out (I wish they’d date them to make this easier on me!), but I believe that Cody Nelson and Jeff Hollister/Skip Vance get a nod for their recent match, and late in the month, we saw bodybuilder boy wonder, Lucas Payne back for his second RHW match, this time against newbie Trent Novak. Can-Am’s Double-Teamed dropped in April, with an initial look that makes me include Jobe Zander, Rio Garza, and Brenden Cage in the mix. Pro Tag 1 also had an April official release, for which I’ll toss in Rio again, along with Aryx Quinn, Donnie Drake and Cameron Mathews. And speaking of Mr. Mathews, he’s been a busy boy both in front of the camera and behind it, producing his own series marketed through Can-Am, for which I’ll give him several more nods, as well as a top shape Braden Charron in East Coast Mat Battle, and Aryx again for looking particularly tasty in what I’ve seen so far of East Coast Rope Battle.

So there are a lot of great looking hunks, hard working wrestling, and some perennial favorites who almost always have both “objective” and sentimental advantage when I’m doing the picking. But frankly, for raw entertainment and giving me something new that catches me off guard just a bit, I’m going with what I think of as an unconventional pick. Frankly, I think this is my first mention of this homoerotic wrestler ever, so clearly his stock is enjoying a remarkable spike in my rankings. But I’m just calling it like I see it, and this month, the homoerotic wrestler of the month that I see is…

…Rock Hard Wrestling’s Lucas Payne.
After Joe’s review of Lucas’ debut match against Austin Cooper, I have to say that I was luke warm on taking the plunge to check out Mr. Payne.  While Joe gives plenty of credit, everything that he points out as perennially missing from RHW matches leaves me looking elsewhere. A bodybuilder Lucas is a delight to worship, but that does not always translate into homoerotic wrestling gold. But something tweaked my fancy, and I whipped out my credit card and hunkered down for a concentrated introduction to what Lucas Payne and Trent Novak could do for me.
Turns out, more than I expected! The rookies are rookies, let’s face it. And they’re in the straight-end of the homoerotic wrestling pool, which means that those astonishingly tight trunks stay on and the story is all about aggression with none of the satisfying aftertaste of explicit sexual domination. So maybe my expectations were just so low that anything was going to catch me by surprise. Whatever. I was caught by surprise, and specifically, it was Lucas Payne’s mouth that did it for me.
It’s not the way that he sucks his lower lip as he concentrates on dishing out crushing punishment on fratboy Trent, though that is absolutely hot. It’s Lucas’ chatter on his feet that catches me by surprise and makes this match more than I expected. 
To be clear, this isn’t quite a squash, but it’s a squash’s 2nd cousin first removed. Lucas takes a little, but the story is about Trent’s destruction at the hands (and pecs, and thighs) of the bodybuilder boy wonder. What gets me here is that I quickly, honestly believe that Lucas is a punk bully with more muscles than he’s figured out what to do with yet. When he stomps repeatedly all around the perimeter of Trent’s body as the fratboy writhes and wails in pain, Lucas starts to mock him, making fun of his crying. Right there, that’s the moment! Lucas pisses me off with his completely unnecessary verbal humiliation as he’s completely crushing his opponent. Lucas is every overgrown bully that I’ve ever known and feared, delighting in physical domination but really reveling in psychological domination. I buy it. He’s a musclebound prick throwing his weight around, absolutely manhandling Trent and (figuratively) getting off on it. And for that moment of selling me a character I can relate to and feel something about, I’m completely a Lucas Payne fan now.
I don’t know if I’m explaining it well. Of course, his innocent baby face and mocha skin stretched taught over competition ready muscles doesn’t hurt his case (even the zit on his chin is somehow endearing). But I’m jonesin’ on Lucas for more than just that. Early in round 2, he traps Trent’s wrist overhead, behind the fratboy’s upper back, displaying Trent’s impressive physique generously. Trent writhes and sells the pain, stumbling as he tries to free himself, reaching for a rope. “You go where I say you go!” Lucas explains to him cooly. “That’s right, that’s right. Come on!!! Where’s the fight!?” he taunts him. “You go where I say you go…” Lucas repeats, spinning Trent around in a headlock and shoving him face first to the canvas. “… and you go DOWN!” he barks, proving his mastery of his opponent.
Lucas tells this story both physically and verbally throughout, and regular readers know that I’m a sucker for ring banter. He occasionally growls like a grizzly, which brings to mind spicy hints of Rusty Stevens. When Trent is riding a short-lived rally, hammerlocking Lucas’ right arm high up the middle of his back, Lucas refuses to give. “Let’s bring it up a little further! How does that feel!!” the fratboy demands of the bodybuilder boy wonder. Lucas, however, quickly powers out of his predicament and has Trent screaming again in a single-leg boston crab. “Let’s get it a little bit further,” Lucas mocks as he pulls Trent’s leg off the canvas farther. That’s storytelling I enjoy! Lucas reminds us that he’s not only back on the advantage, he’s dishing out paybacks for the fratboy’s earlier cockiness. 
There’s a lot that doesn’t surprise. For example, the RHW high definition production quality is as amazing as always. For another example, the boys don’t quite know how to transition from hold to hold, to build momentum with the wrestling itself. While they do seem to be nursing their holds a bit longer (thank you!), both Trent and Lucas pretty much always work a hold, and then inexplicably walk away, catch their breath, and then lock up for another hold (not sure how that makes much sense, other than that they just don’t know how to chain moves together, to respond rapidly and work reversals). But unlike most of the RHW wrestlers, Lucas has carved out in my imagination a character who is smart, sadistic, and amuses himself by mocking his writhing opponents as he crushes them with his bodybuilder boy wonder physique. Now, I wouldn’t mind seeing Lucas love his own body a little more explicitly (since in RHW, it seems like his opponents never will). I’d love to see him lord it over his screaming opponents, flexing in their faces, literally rubbing their noses in the sweaty crevice between his mountainous pecs. But that said, I love it when Lucas marvels at the power of his legs as Trent wails like a baby, trapped in a crippling body scissor. “Go ahead, try to fight,” Lucas offers. Then, with that lower lip sucked in adorably, he explains, “They call me ‘Thunder Thighs!'”
 Not me, though. I just call him Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month.