It’s #WastedWednesday, and I’m distracting myself from the 50%+ of my work week left by crushing on crushed hunks. Don’t you just want to be on the clean up crew for Wrestler4Hire, and find these sweat soaked, bruised, battered beefcakes littering the ring, used up and worn out? Is there a homoerotic wrestling angle out there of the straight heel who bulldozes the hottest slices of beef and leaves them for his gay best bro to climb in and take over? There should be.
Mark Muscle stands back and simply possesses the ring, just like he just took total possession of Blake Starr. So, in that straight-heel-does-his-gay-bro-a-favor scenario, I’d pay extra if the straight heel sticks around and watches.
I don’t know why, but anytime Ethan Andrews climbs into a wrestling ring, I’m desperate to see him ground into mush. It’s probably related to his mast flying at full staff with the likes of Mark Muscle and Zach Altovito standing over him.
This shot of Jacob Van Acker having been plowed under by Z-Man (!?!) is frame-ready work of art. The sweat, the glazed over, heavily-lidded eyes, and those astonished lips just hanging there open, gives me just the right adrenaline rush to get me through the rest of this week.
Finally, have I confessed the hard, hard crush I have on KARN before? I mean, I know if gushed about his ink, but seriously, this man can star in any one of my homoerotic wrestling fantasies any time, anywhere. Here he is after getting severely abused by Daxx Carter, who I’m positive would hang around to join in the fun with a buddy who’d like to explore every hairy inch of KARN’s wasted body.
It’s awards season time! I know of a few fans of homoerotic wrestling (and quite a few wrestlers, as well) that despise the year-end awards rigamarole. I, on the other hand, take probably too much pleasure in it, mostly for the excuse it gives me to pour over videos and photos of hot hunks who turned my crank over the past 12 months. BG East just posted their ballot for their besties. I just noticed that Cameron is following in BG East’s footsteps with a year-end awards call for fan voting this year. Alex does his personal best-ofs the industry. Joe has his lists of tops. Keeping with my annual tradition (started last year), I’m wading into the pre-awards season with my personal infatuation with some categories that, inexplicably, no one else seems to pay nearly enough attention to for my tastes. First up, I climb onto my ongoing soapbox about legs.
Honestly, it astounds me how precious little attention is paid to considering who has the sexiest legs in this business. I adore powerful, shapely, muscled legs for their aesthetics and their integral role in making homoerotic wrestling happen. Scissors. Leg locks. Scissors. Kicks. Scissors. Hot legs are an essential component to the sexiest wrestling matches. Yet again, I must register my formal complaint against the industry photographers who continue to snap those pin-up boy shots of scorching hot wrestlers cut off mid-quads or higher. Sure, some close ups on a sexy upper body are lovely, but absolutely ignoring everything below the waist is criminal! As an aficionado of wrestlers’ legs, I could generate a much longer list (see honorable mentions below), but I’ll mostly stick to my top 3 favorite pair of tree trunks to crush their way through 2018.
My third place pick for best legs goes to the gargantuan pillars on Zach Altovito. I watched him wrestle for the first time over at Muscle Domination Wrestling this year, and his quads stole the show. He also put in an appearance at Wrestler4Hire. Of all of the wrestlers currently competing, I’d most pop my cork to see an opponent worship Zach’s monster quads. His MDW match against Joey Justice comes close with Joey forced to oil the big man all over, but but I’m wanting to see some serious, slack jawed worship of those beasts. Zach’s granite pillars deserve nothing less.
In second place comes the international man of mystery, BG East’s masked punisher Thrash. Fuck, I’m loving this masked heel more and more every time I see him wrestle. I want to know his backstory. I want to know for sure if Thrash is getting as turned on by dominating his opponents as I think he is. But most of all, I want to drag my tongue from big toe to crotch and back again. Thrash’s legs are devastatingly gorgeous. The aesthetics are phenomenal, with his thick, shapely calves perfectly balanced with his buttery, beautifully built upper legs. His quads are nowhere nearly as thick as Zach’s, but they’re about twice as beautiful and alluring for my tastes as a result of proportion, shape and balance. Thrash drives me fucking insane, and my hope for 2018 is to see an opponent appreciate his hotness even half as much as I do.
Top honors for Best Legs of 2017 is a surprise to me, frankly. I haven’t written about gorgeous centerfold Austin Tyler before on the pages of this blog, so I fully admit to how strange it is to see him skyrocket into first place for a year-end call up like this. However, in doing the extensive research I do for these awards, I kept coming back to Austin’s magnificently gorgeous legs. Joe has been crushing on him from the beginning, and Alex credits Austin with bringing him back to UCW, but it took my background work for this post to convince me that I need to see much, much more of Austin, starting with his sweaty thighs. I’ve watched him in action at Wrestler4Hire, and clearly, like Alex, I need to reinvest in UCW to study this award winning physique in more detail. If anything, Austin’s lower body development is disproportionately massive in contrast with his hot, tight, tanned upper body. But this award is about the best legs, and holy fuck, Austin Tyler’s got them.
There are so many more sexy legs out there than I can squeeze into a top 3 list like this. So I just have to mention the bevy of beautiful legs that deserve to be very honorably mentioned for their appearances in 2017: Kid Karisma (BG East), Kevin James (MDW, aka Tank at Thunder’s Arena), Eagle (Thunder’s Arena), Mr. Joshua Goodman (BG East), Dolf (Thunder’s Arena), Damien Rush (MDW, BG East). Van Skyler (BG East) Steel (Thunder’s Arena), Payton Meadows (BG East).
In MDW’s Oil Hunks 11, things are not what they seem. Well, some things are pretty self-evident. For example, Joey Justice is impossibly sexy. Fuck, look at that body. Tight, tanned, hugely muscled. The square jaw with thick, dark stubble makes Joey look like a muscled up Batman on vacation. He flexes proudly for the camera as Zach Altovito watches from the ring apron. “Aesthetics, baby,” Joey smirks with a sideways glance at Zach. Total eye candy? Of course Joey Justice is exactly that.
And then there’s mountainous Zach. Holy fuck, look at the size of that? If Joey is a muscled up Batman, Zach is every ounce the Hulk with no CGI required. On the pretty-o-meter, Zach weighs in way behind dazzling leading man Joey. But for sheer magnetism, I have a hard time tearing my eyes off of Zach. Put them in a homoerotic line up, and I’d shock myself by kicking Joey to the curb for a a couple of hours with Zach and that bottle of baby oil in the corner of the ring.
Joey is sure he’s got the superior muscle in the ring. He gloats over his jaw dropping physique. He brags about his superior power. The best 2 out of 3 armwrestling contest proves that Zach’s gargantuan guns put Joey to shame. “You got lucky, man,” Joey snarls bitterly, inexplicably, because that wasn’t luck, dude. You just got your pretty muscles owned.
The outcome of the test-of-strength/game-of-mercy is the same. Zach crushes Joey to his knees for the first score. “Where’s your strength at?” Zach taunts. Joey turns the tables to even things up. “I just needed to warm up,” Joey smirks and struts. The tie breaker is all Zach, almost instantly, total ownership.
“You come into my ring, flexing and posing, and now you’ve got nothing to show for it,” Zach snarls, vaguely pissed at the poser. “You have to wrestle to prove yourself,” Zach lays down the ultimatum. “Other than that, I’ve got no respect.”
They agree to oil stakes, which is sort of the first particularly sexy element to this match for me. I’m not fully convinced of the motivation, but they both agree to oil down the winner without any fuss. It’s just a bet. It’s not that they feel particularly emasculated by the thought of putting their oily hands on each other. I like the low key move on both hunks’ part.
After agreeing to wrestle, Zach asks Joey to show him that stunning double bicep pose again. A classic narcissist, Joey believes that he’s just that fucking gorgeous that Zach actually just wants to admire his muscles. He turns to the camera and strikes the pose. Zach drops to a knee and punches pretty Joey in the balls from behind.
The wrestling is concise, but intense. Zach’s reverse bearhug on Joey is lush. He throws him around the ring convincingly. He stomps on Joey’s legs as the square jawed, hypermasculine babyface writhes and whimpers like a bitch. “I’ve had enough!” Joey pleads, holding up his hands in surrender. “I don’t think you have,” Zach defies him, driving double fisted punches into Joey’s washboard abs over and over. He rides all over pretty Joey Justice. Pulling the pin up boy to the mat in a choke, he bears down on his windpipe, making Joey’s panic rise. “Tap out,” Zach demands. Joey does it, because he’s officially Zach’s bitch now.
The oil down is slower and more deliberate than it often is. Joey really rubs the oil in. When Zach demands he do touch up work on some missed spots on this biceps, Joey just reapplies another liberal coat. Fuck, Joey absolutely fades as Zach starts flexing those glistening muscles. God, Zach is the man. He instructs Joey to get the hell out of his ring, and like that bitch he is, Joey just does it.
But back to where this whole thing started. Things aren’t entirely what they seem. Joey spills the beans after Zach has fucking owned his ass in every form of physical competition. “You just got lucky,” Joey bitches again, “I don’t really wrestle, man.” On the one hand, I want Zach to open up another can of whoop ass on him for shattering the pretense that this is a wrestling match. But, on the other hand, there’s something oddly refreshing about just naming what’s been evident from the start. Pretense aside. Ignoring the art of kayfabe. I’m actually grooving on the oddly genuine moment of truth when, stripped of his dignity, Joey confesses that he’s a poser.
And suddenly in that moment, it occurs to me the other thing that isn’t quite what it seems about this match. Zach is a babyface. A gargantuan, superhumanly proportioned good guy. The premise is that he’s a heel, but everything about Zach screams an upright hero. Other than the blindsided punch to the balls. Though, even then, there’s something sort of right about that. But Zach’s domineering, contemptuous lines don’t have a ring of truth about him. I don’t actually believes that he loves crushing another man underfoot. I think he’s a little awkward about steamrolling all over Joey. No shit, I think Zach’s a heel poser!
Oil Hunks 11 is short on wrestling, and take Joey’s words to heart as a big ol’ buyer beware: Joey is no wrestler. You might think it’s a standard MDW heel-squashes-babyface match, but the twist here is that it’s a poser-on-poser beatdown. I’m probably loaded for about one more match of Joey getting trampled, if it takes longer and he cries a little more. But as for Zach, I’ve got a whole lot of fantasies that I’m aching to see more of, particularly if he brings a refreshing domineering, babyface bruiser angle to spice up the MDW formula.